The start of the end

Hello!  

I feel like many many months have passed, and so very very much has happened that I don't really know where to start!

I realize that this blog overlaps from the previous one I wrote, but to explain how crazy things have been I need to start from the beginning.

I've been thinking for a few weeks about starting to write again, my whole situation has changed, and I have also changed, the person I was has been chased away by the happenings of the last year or so, and I need to try and find myself again.

When I wrote last I was working full time at Tesco, enjoying the hustle and bustle of working in a express store, supporting my colleagues, feeling like I was important, needed, making some kind of difference to the environment I was working in.

I was organized, in control, confident, proud, busy!

Juggling working, running a home, being a good mum and partner and giving Ralph as much attention as time would allow.

Then, in September last year, I started to feel a bit odd, I felt tired, I began to struggle keeping up with my routines, and at home I had started to withdraw from my family, I didn't have time to visit my mum, I didn't have time to make contact with my sister's, at home I literally went to work, came home, made dinner and went to bed, then did it all again the next day.

I am fully aware that most people in the world are doing just that, but something was changing, something was wrong.

So, classic me, I ignored it! But everyday it was there, growing bigger in my mind, I needed help.

Tesco started changing things, upgrading their systems, changing routines, cutting back on staff, but putting pressure on to cover other people's jobs, keep up with training, cleaning, talking larger deliveries etc.

For a company in these times, that's exactly what  you'd expect to happen, cut backs are expected and changes to reduce time wasting is how companies keep up with the changing ways customers shop.

But, for me, it was overwhelming, and I started to struggle to cope. It was frustrating, why couldn't I keep up? why wasn't my brain working quick enough?

I thought maybe I needed to change a few things, I was definitely struggling with the late shifts, working until 11pm sometimes four shifts out of five, was exhausting, I was struggling with the evening routines, some evenings I might have three hundred new price labels to scan and put out, this would take me twice as long as my sighted colleagues, as I'd struggle to read the smaller labels and the tiny screen on the PDA.

Then there was counting and shutting down the scratch cards, shutting down the lottery, and resetting the tills, this all needs to be accurate, I can't be accurate, my sight doesn't do accurate! Then we have to keep on top of shoplifters, all the cleaning, working stock as well as serving the customers quickly and efficiency. 

My contact lenses would make my eyes sore where I had been wearing them too long, my balance would start to go, shutting up the shop in the dark just felt too dangerous.

So, I spoke to my manager, and he agreed that it was a good idea to work less late shifts, I no longer had to struggle counting the store safe and record all the info on the company PC. I had noticed that I was finding it much harder to tell the difference between the different coins, and checking people's ID was impossible!

As the months ticked by, things did get a little easier, but the feeling that something was wrong still made an alarm bell ring in my little brain. Christmas came, and I got swept in with the chaos it brings to a shop, but I had noticed I was finding it hard to concentrate, I constantly had a head ache, there was no joy in life anymore, I'd trip over more, knock and bump into things, I really had to push myself to get going everyday.

In December I'd convinced myself that there was something wrong with my contact lenses, so I took myself off to get them looked at.....nope, nothing wrong with them, apparently it's my eyes and I need a referral back to Moorfields. 

Referral sent, I carried on trying to cope. Early January and our managers seat got a new bum on it, only, suddenly I was back on the late shifts, counting the safe and dealing with situations that made me feel afraid and vulnerable, so, I put my head down and got on with managing the growing pressure's handed down the line!

Mid January and my referral came through, I had an appointment for early February, off we plod into London on a freezing cold morning to see my consultant....errrr, Lynda, just tell me exactly what you expect to happen?......well, I just want to rule out any problems with my eyes cause I've not been feeling right!......yes, BUT, you have been told to expect that your sight will get worse, and although the tests show the condition of the tiny hole you have at the back your good eye is stable, you have indeed lost more sight, therefore you need to make changes in your lifestyle to accommodate this, ok?

Okay dokey, so I go home, rest for a day, go back to work and totally ignore the conversation with the consultant.

I thought, as I have done so many times before, that my brain would adapt to my new level of sight, and somehow I'd get better, only I hadn't counted on the fact that it just didn't happen, but on top of everything else, this dark, lonely, desperate feeling was starting in my stomach and starting to grow through my whole body!

Epiphany

 Hey everyone, 

I'm not going to bother explaining to you where I've been for the last few months, it's very boring, as I've been absolutely nowhere!

However, I have had a big ass epiphany, and I have come to realize that I've been trying to be someone that I'm not! I've been trying so hard that I've become exhausted!

A couple of days ago while I was at work struggling to be a sighted person, I became aware that I couldn't put stock out on the shelves without knocking something else off the shelf, dropping stuff or, when I was trying to straighten up the stock on the shelves I made it look much worse, I got so frustrated with myself, angry because I am so clumsy and stupid, why can't I even restock a shelf properly???

In that moment, standing in front of the chiller, looking at the cream cakes that should be all stacked in a nice straight line and instead looked like I'd thrown them on the shelf from the other end of the else, I hated myself. I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right, why am I always making mistakes?...I hate myself and my life...my mood became low, lower than it's ever been before.

Literally, what's the point? There's no way out, no way forward, why can't I keep up with everyone else? 

I can't afford to give up work, I want to hide, there's no way out, except one way, the only way I can find peace from all this hate for myself, all this pain, all this uselessness! The only way is to remove myself completely.

But how? How can I do this without hurting other people, how can what seems like a simple solution to how wretched I feel be so bloody difficult?

Now, today, looking back, I realize that this has been building up for a long time, a long string of events have lead to me deciding that I can't stay in this world anymore, right back from the cage full of booze landing on me from the back of a lorry, COVID, and working all through it, and not catching it once and feeling guilty for not catching it, war and innocent people being killed, then stupid things pilled on top like, my flood light in the back garden that sight concern fitted for me is broken, so I asked them if they could come out and fix it, but nope.....Do it yourself...if only it was that easy, it's a sealed unit, I can't see it well enough to do it myself and I don't have a magic person hanging around with a screw driver willing to help me, then there's the parking issue, where to cut a long story short, the council passed a request for my neighbour to turn their front garden into a drive, I applied, and also got passed, until other neighbours objected, so on the day the council came out to measure up, highways sided with the neighbours and retracted the decision, leaving me with a half dug up garden, no where to park my disability car, which then lead to my car being scratched and nails put into the tyres....

But anyway, getting back to the other day, while I was on my shift, I watched myself go through the process of pretending I can see, I have learnt which options to choose on the PDA, for example, the transfer for the milk in the Costa machine, I've got no idea what the options say, I just know I choose the middle option and then the bottom option....and that's how I spend my whole day...guessing, pretending and winging it!

It's exhausting, instead of saying I need help, I can't do this, I've stubbornly battled on like my sight isn't really a problem, I'm pretending to be a sighted person.

The moment I realized what I'd been doing, I suddenly felt calm, I can't keep up with sighted people, I can't work the same way, I have allowed my life to be come so stressful that I can't see a way forward, I go to work, come home and go to sleep, that's all, last week I couldn't even be bothered to eat.

I rang the doctors to try and get help for my very low mood, and the fact that I just couldn't help myself to feel better, but was told that there were no appointments for days, I might possibly get a telephone appointment by the end of the week but only if I phone on the day at 8am!

This kind of tipped me over the edge, I sat on a stool at work and cried, big fat shoulder jerking sobs, snorting noises, snot flowing, the whole broken picture.

I felt like I needed to talk to someone, but it had gone to far, somewhere along the line, I had missed the window that says, ok, you've been feeling a bit low, but now you need to get some help, it had gone too far and the thought of actually talking this through with someone seemed more overwhelming than some of the actual problems. So, who do I speak to? Who do I contact? Where do I go for help?...I don't want to talk, I don't want to speak to someone at RNIB helpline, I don't want to talk to my family or colleagues, I just want to stop, my brain is empty, my emotions are empty, I need to stop.

So, when I got home from work, I had a bath, sat on the sofa with my dog and watched day turn into evening, thinking I shouId try to get help, I picked up my tablet and emailed the only person who came into my mind, my ECLO at Luton and Dunstable hospital, it was getting late in the afternoon, so I didn't expect a reply, but one came, almost immediately, it felt like someone had lit a small tiny flame in my dead cold fire, he said he was glad I had contacted him, and he would call me tomorrow.

The following morning I got a call, during our conversation that small tiny flame turned into a roaring fire, as I was reminded that there is always help, there is always someone to talk too, and there is always a way forward.

Trying to keep up with regular life had enveloped me and I had forgotten who I am and how far I have come.

Blindness is creeping in on me and I've been ignoring it instead of enjoying and treasuring what sight I have.

No one can ever claim to know what someone else is feeling, our pains and emotions are unique to us, sometimes though, things happen for a reason, and although we think we are totally on our own, we aren't. I hadn't realized how many people had actually noticed I was struggling, and each one of these people had tried to reach out to me in their own way, I just couldn't see it at the time, being void of emotions is terrifying, but the feelings we have are ours, we own them and only we can change them.

So, the following day when I was back at work and the delivery arrived, I didn't pretend that I was a sighted person, I told the driver I needed help, I explained that I couldn't see the numbers on the cages or complete the paperwork without help, he was fantastic, he didn't do it himself, he showed me where to press on the tablet to check in the cages, he was so kind that I didn't feel useless, slow or incapable, he made me feel like a regular lady whose eyes don't work properly. Simple.

when I started at Tesco, I loved the role so much, I had more sight then, but as my sight has got worse I have been desperately trying to continue as I was, but it's becoming harder and I'm so stressful and anxious all the time. I need to change my life as my sight changes, not the other way round, I understand that I need to stop fighting it, I just wish I didn't always have to figure out this stuff the hard way!

I am going to meet my ECLO in a week to talk though all this and make changes where I (we) can, this depression I feel hasn't magically disappeared, but I do see a way forward, and I am so so grateful for all the people around me who tried to help. Thank you xx

DIY, that's Don't do it yourself

Hello everyone! How is it six months since I last wrote, I don't know where the time has gone, well, I kind of do...it's gone on work, housework, cooking, shopping and walking the dog!

I also decided that I would start decorating my house, the whole of downstairs was looking tired and tatty, so I got myself some old paint brushes out of the loft and found some white paint that had been knocking around  and away I went, soon turned out that this was quite a crappy idea, as the paint was off....who knew paint went bad? ....and my paint brushes had stiffer bristles than a hedgehog. 

One whole stressful shopping trip later, and I was fully armed with new brushes, ten ton of white paint, some rollers and the plastic tray thingy you pour your paint into. I even had some of that tape you put on the carpet to stop paint going all over the carpet when you gloss the skirting boards. 

I got a little step ladder and an old towel to protect the carpet. I put on and old jumper and a pair of joggers, feeling like a total professional, I very confidently embarked on my new found 'painting all the walls in my house white' talent.

Turns out this was even more short lived than my 'saving  money by using old stuff out of the loft' idea. Seems that blind people have a bit of a problem when it comes to decorating, like, I thought I was doing sooooo well, then I'd realize that I'd missed some, so I'd go back and try to cover it, and then I'd forget where I'd gotten too. THEN, someone would walk in the room and say.....Mum, that's gonna need another coat.....NO EFFING POOP! 

One afternoon I was right into it, and determined that I wasn't gonna miss any spots and it defo wouldn't be requiring another coat, I'd managed to get paint just about everywhere, my black joggers now looked like they were cow print, my hair was stuck together with paint and my face was covered in little tiny white spots from where the stupid roller sprayed more paint on me than on the wall. But I was in the zen moment, happy as a pig in paint, I'd got my tray full of white paint, my roller balanced on the side, my towel protecting the carpet and I was up the ladder doing the whole 'cutting in' thing that the people who know how to paint do, then, I don't know how it happened, my sight makes my balance a bit crap, so as I stepped back down off the ladder, I miss-judged my footing and put my foot straight into the tray of paint, I leaped forward thinking how lucky it was to have put the towel down, when I glanced back over my shoulder and realized that I'd tipped the whole tray completely off the towel and paint was happily seeping paint into my charcoal coloured carpet, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse I noticed that I was no longer holding the paint brush, not really daring to look over my other shoulder at the paint brush that was now sitting in the middle of my living room carpet having bumped into the sofa on its way to the carpet.

Ralph was just sitting there with his front paws crossed, all judgemental, like...woman, you are registered blind, what the hell did you think was gonna happen. You should have just taken me out for a long walk instead, cos you got one hell of a mess to clean up....in that moment, I had several options, 1, go-to bed and ignore it...2 cry....3 throw the rest of the paint all around the room, scream very loud, then ring the house insurance people. 4 clean the bloody mess up, and try again tomorrow.

I was right there on option 3, but the smug grin on Ralphs face, almost daring me to do it, expecting me to erupt any second just defused me completely and I went with option 4.

By the time everyone was home from work, I'd done my best clean up job, moved the sofa over the bits I couldn't shift and found a throw for the sofa....no one even noticed.

I need to start painting the walls up the stairs next and the landing walls, but I need a break, my 'just because I can't do it doesn't mean I won't do it' attitude has worn me down a bit for now, plus I gotta get the Christmas decorations down from the loft, which is always a messy job, so the next paint saga may have to wait until January, unless a miracle happens and someone does it for me!

Anyway, I've still got lots to tell you guys, I think I will make a few shorter posts so you don't get bored with my witterings.

Speak soon, stay safe xx

Sensory Garden update

 Hello everyone, Happy Easter to you all.

I just wanted to give you a quick update on my sensory Garden progress.

So, as you know, I wanted to do this as independently as I could and when I looked at gardens which had been professionally created for blind and folks with disabilities, they were bloody amazing, but completely out of my price range!

I've had a reality check and a large down scale, the raised beds I wanted have been replaced with these cute planters.

And instead of buying plants, I've got tons of seeds and have started to grow my own.

Last week, when we had two beautiful days of sunshine, I got the power washer thingy out and washed down all the fences, then I painted them with some wood stain stuff, honestly, I dunno how I managed to get covered in it, my shoes are stained a love blotchy brown colour, and I'm still washing it out of my hair!

Every ten minutes or so, one of the family would wonder out and show me which bits I'd missed, which was helpful at first but it soon became obvious that I was missing more than I was hitting! In the end though, it's done and I think it looks lovely.

I wanted to power wash the slabs too, but I'm saving that for a day when it's warm again and it will dry really quickly.

I've just had a birthday, and everyone brought me gardening stuff, 

I had some vouchers, and I really wanted to buy roses, so let me see if I can down load a photo of my garden centre haul.

There we go, for some reason it gave me two, anyway, I got three patio rose plants, two with a strong pong, and one a very bright orange colour. I always look on the bargain bench for a plant to love, so there's a something or other, that looks very much like it needs to be loved. 

And I found a grassy type plant, I've planted it in a pot so I can move it around, it looks like it might be good for making a noise when the wind moves the leaves.

Also, for my birthday I asked for things for the garden that I could hear or touch, so I was given these treasures....

The sparkling mushroom is the coolest thing, it even sparkles when the moon shines on it. I've got a couple of statue dogs too, both of them a tactile.

The eldest daughter made me a Tic Tok account yesterday, I think it's called Lyndas garden, I've already had 50 views and 4 followers! Look at me, I'm crashing in on the internet!

Mind you, I'm pretty sure those 4 followers are my family .

I leave you with a few before photos (if I can down load the stupid things) and I will keep you all updated on the progress.

I've just found a after photo, I'll post that, then I'm off, take care and stay safe xx

See, my painting wasn't that bad after all 😍

Sensory Garden

 Hello everyone, I hope you've all been staying safe and well. 

Last week I had a meeting with Bedfordshire sight concern, I had an over the phone appointment and a sight test using a test sheet they sent me through the post, I know that having the sight test in this way isn't ideal, but the outcome is just the same, I have lost more sight, which is fine, it's what I already knew and what I have learnt to expect. 

The outcome of the meeting was that I would be sent some different magnifiers to help me at work, but just as importantly, the meeting encouraged me to look towards the future, the immediate future, like, as lock down ends how can I ease myself back into doing things independently.  

The little things like catching a train, going shopping on my own or getting on a bus. I can't wait for swimming pools to open, I've missed swimming so much, but I know that going anywhere on my own will be impossible. 

Bedfordshire sight concern are going to provide support for this, and I'm excited to be getting some support back into regaining  some kind of independence.

While I was one the phone, we talked about hobbies and things I can do that push me out of my comfort zone a little. I said I would really love to create a sensory Garden for myself, as my sight gets worse I want to create somewhere that is my safe place, somewhere to sit, relax and enjoy.

Leaving something like this until the time comes is simply too late, I need to get the ball rolling and this seems the perfect project too build my confidence and give me a focus, while keeping realistic.

SO, I made myself a  'mind map' of all the things I thought should go into my own personal sensory Garden.

I got really excited, planning which flowers would be best, which herbs and plants have the strongest smells, I looked at bee hotels, wind chimes, lighting and lots of tactile garden ornaments. I started to choose different grasses that would make noises in the breeze!

I was on a real high! My garden is only small, but in order to make the garden so that I could plant my own plants later down the line, I would benefit from raised flower beds, I struggle trying to weed as it is, so this seemed like a fab idea.

BUT, I very grossly under estimated the cost of building my very own sensory Garden. 

One of my friends said he had a wind chime that he would give me, this excited me again, because the thought of having something in the garden that reminds me of someone and bring memories of that person is a great comfort to me when I can't see their faces anymore.

I thought about starting one of these funding type pages on facebook, I half heatedly looked into it, but it feels like begging, so I've decided to scale down the garden....massively....I went to B&M with daughter number one, and we brought some seeds, seed compost, and some seed trays, I went home and sowed my seeds, I have some bulbs that the daughter chose and I'll plant them next week. We also found some nice looking solar light bulb things to hang from the trees. 

I noticed some netting stuff while we were in the shop, that can be tacked to the fences so I don't have to buy trellis, I'm going to give it a few weeks then get someone to take me to the garden centre and check out the bargain bench, if I can find some cheap clematis that needs some love, I will be able to create that sensory Garden, even if it's not quite the one I envisaged. 

I have taken some photos but I don't know how to share them on this machine, but wish me luck with my seedlings.

Take care and speak soon x

Scared to start all over again!

Hello everyone,

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit fed up at the moment. I know that everyone is sick of being at home, sick of not having anything to look forward too, no where to go and no one to see, it's been such hard work for people, especially if you are living on your own and you're used to being sociable. 

I've been lucky that I've been able to go to work, even if some days have been completely ridiculous, and some people refuse to follow the rules...but I've still had some kind of routine, still had the opportunity to talk to different people, my mind has still been busy, meaning that I'm quite happy to stay home on my days off.

Once again though, when I feel like I'm totally at my best, I'm knocked completely off my feet. I've had a weekend from hell really. 

I don't enjoy this time of year anyway, I lost my Dad in February and we buried him on Valentine's day, and although that was a long 24 years ago, when it comes to the anniversary it all becomes as raw as it was just yesterday. 

So, I'm grumpy, yesterday I took myself and Ralph off for a long was walk over the fields. It's one of my learnt routes, but I've not been waking that way because it's been so wet and muddy, but since the snow and freezing temperatures, my sister told me that the route had completely dried up, so off I go, only it was so cold and windy, I spent more time avoiding other dog walkers and dodging the massive puddles of ice all over the tracks. 

So, I'm miles away stomping around this field, when I realise everyone else's dogs have coats on and the wind feels like -5, I finally pull my head out of 24 year old memories and notice my poor boy is not enjoying his walk at all, the wind is pushing him in all directions and it's so bloody cold. 

So, I stop..he stops, looking up at me, for a second I considered picking him up and tucking him in my coat, but Im not sure he would have been much warmer, plus he is too bloody heavy to carry. 

So, I say to him, hey boy, are you cold? You wanna go home?

The little bugger does no more than turn around and starts running home, so there I am trying my hardest to run against the wind while trying to watch my footing so I don't end up flat on my face, and praying that he stops before he reaches the road. 

I'm calling and calling him, he kept glancing behind him, but he was like...nooooo wayyyy lady, I'm on my way home, where it's warm, I can curl up in my favourite place on the sofa, and maybe I can get someone to give me a treat and then put one of those really fluffy blankets over me that they keep over the back of the sofas!!

Then, just as I thought I needed to call for help, it happened...around the corner comes this really tall man, with two huge dogs on leads, Ralph literally skids to a stop, turns around and starts legging it back towards me, he runs between my legs and sits behind me, which is his sign for, please could I have my lead on because I don't feel safe! ....SAFE, you little bugger!!! So, I calmly put him on his lead, and have a little chat with the tall man and his soppy soft dogs, and home we marched.

Ralph was so happy to be home, he ran around all the rooms checking everything was where he left it, and then curled up on the sofa all comfy, but he kept his eye on me for the rest of the day just in case I decided to take him out again at some point.

Lucky for Ralphie, I had to go food shopping. Daughter number two said she would take me, so off we set....Saturday afternoon shopping in Tesco.....WHAT could possibly go wrong???? 

We turn into the carpark, and it's rammed, the only parking that was fairly empty was disabled parking...where was my blue badge??? Still sitting on my kitchen table....so we drive round and round until we find a space, by which time it was starting to get dark, we had to park at the end of the carpark, but that meant I had to navigate the moving cars and people in the carpark.

Never mind, Daughter is on hand to assist....so we get a trolley, wait for the lights above the door to go green and off we go.....only, someone somewhere probably sat behind a big fat desk, has decided that Tesco needs a refurb.....literally NOTHING was where it usually is, there were people leaning over people to get to produce, it was complete carnage. At first it was ok, the daughter and I took our time and wondered around trying to avoid getting to close to other people. 

I thought I was doing soooo well, then it the delightful black cloud of anxiety and panic started to envelope me, it came from nowhere, I couldn't stop it and I couldn't find a safe place, I wanted to curl up and cry. Fighting the tears back, the daughter springs into action, leaving me wedged in between the bread counter and a seasonal free standing table thingy, she grabs the shopping list from me and runs around finishing the last few bits of shopping. I'm standing there trying to calm my breathing with burning hot tears streaming down my face, I can't see the other customers but I know they're looking at me, but I don't care, I just want to die! And I'm not joking, I just wanted the black to envelope me, and I could wake up in a different place, that place would be at home, in my bedroom, tucked up in bed, nice and safe. 

But I was still standing in the middle of Tesco, sobbing like a baby. Daughter then marches me and the trolley full of shopping to the scan as you go checkout, we pay and before I know it, I'm safely sitting in the car, still trying desperately to calm my breathing, all the drive home I'm still sobbing, it just won't stop, the minute I saw my other half, the flood gates really opened and I ended up snotting all over his jumper, tears of relief to be home, and tears of annoyance that this had happened out of nowhere. 

It took me a very long glass of wine and a nice smelling candle before I calmed down completely, and then I was exhausted, totally drained of any more emotion.

Why did this happen again? I've not had a panic attack for months and months, this was big. I'm scared about how I will manage when lock down is over and Covid is under control, how long will it take me to readjust to normality. This is going to mean starting from the beginning, right back to learning to go out on my own again, learning coping mechanisms, using my cane. I've had a lot of time to think about this today, on my long walk this morning , I remembered to put Ralph's big coat on him and fill my pockets with treats.....but, in my mind I think I've straightened things out, I know I'm going to have to start all over, on the positive side I've done it before so I can do it again. It's frustrating, but lots of people will be in the same boat, I just hope they have the strength to start over, it's so scary, I feel like I've been hit by a bus today, but I think if I know there a problem I can deal with it, not knowing there's a problem, becomes a problem. 

Tomorrow is a new day, again, I count myself lucky to have so many people around me who will help and support me, so many people who love me. So, although I felt like I took one hundred steps backwards yesterday, today I took five hundred steps forward.

Speak soon my friends, stay safe xx

Being brave

Sometimes I am brave, so brave I forget myself! I stand up for what I know is right, even if that means putting myself in the firing line. I become sighted me, confident and brave. Last year, made me stronger and braver than ever. The beginning of the year found me starting my new full time role, at times I felt like I was slow and became frustrated, but looking back, I am proud of how quickly I learnt the role, then suddenly Covid came along, and my colleague and I were thrown in the deep end, with a shop to run, rules to follow and fellow colleagues and customers to keep safe.

But we did it, I know I changed into someone who could do anything, even when a huge cage of booze fell off the back of a delivery lorry and squashed me under it, I wasn't stopped, well, ok maybe for a couple of days, bed rest doesn't suit me at all, and despite the hospital telling me I needed to take it easy and relax for a few weeks, I was back supporting my colleagues within a couple of days, it wasn't easy, I got tired quickly, I couldn't walk too well, and the exercises the doctor gave me bloody hurt, but I did them, and I'm glad I did, or I think I'd be in trouble in as I get older, and my muscles get older.

I've met some incredible people that I wouldn't have met if it hadn't been for Covid, colleagues from all over the Tesco family, and our Temps, who came from walks of life where even in their wildest dreams they would never have imagined themselves filling shelves, manning the door and restricting the amount of loo roll, eggs, flour, pasta and baked beans customers could buy, they became family too. I've formed bonds with colleagues that will never break wherever we find ourselves in the future. we have all kept each other going, looked after and trust each other. 

If I had to choose where and who I had to experience Covid, it would with these guys, in our little shop.

I've become a champion in my stock control role and have been recognised as a champion for people with disabilities.

In September, I joined Stepvember with RNIB, I was part of a small team of six for east of england, and competed against two other teams from different region's, I used the step counter on my phone, stuck it my pocket and started walking, by the end of the month, my team and I had completely knocked it out of the park, and we beat the other teams by miles!!! 

So, can you see how I might think I am brave? 

Today I don't feel brave, today I remember who I am, last week I lost my little magnifier that I keep in my pocket at work, I was completely screwed, I keep a bigger one in my bag, but it's not strong enough to give me the magnification I need, I spent the whole shift relying on my colleagues for help or trying my hardest to manage with the larger magnifier, I was exhausted where my little brain was trying to make some sense out of what I was trying to see. 

I'm not sure the people around me fully understand the devastating effect this had on me, YES, I had lost a tiny bit of plastic on the end of some string, but that tiny bit of plastic is my life, it's my independence, my confidence, my ability.

Without this I am nothing, I am reminded that I am disabled, my belief in myself just melts away, and I am left feeling useless, vulnerable, frustrated and full of heart wrenching grief because I know one day my tiny bit of plastic won't help me anymore.

As nearly all the shops are shut, and I am ensuring I stick to the Covid rules, I ordered a new magnifier from Amazon on next day delivery, God only knows what I clicked on because what arrived wasn't what I was expecting, I am now the proud owner of a massive, heavy, glass magnifier with a bright green handle, and a lovely long tie thingy so I can wear it around my neck.  

I think I'd do myself or someone else a injury with that swinging around my neck all day. 

I was proper sad, the one I lost was a really old one that Grandad Jack had given me years and years ago, I remember saying thank you, chucking it in the bottom of my handbag, thinking, bloody hell, I'm not using something that makes me look like a pensioner....how very wrong was I?? That object had become my best friend, and tiny plastic comfort blanket.

Then, someone found it!! I'd dropped it at work! I was so happy, but this has highlighted a little problem, it seems I've definitely lost a little more vision, if I go running up to Moorfields they will only confirm what I already know. 

So, I've done the very next best thing, and contacted my RNIB hero for help, fingers crossed there will be some little pocket size had held device I can rely on to keep me going, I'm not ready to stop doing what I'm doing...yet!

I'll let you know what treasures, if any, they send me, but, for now, a very happy and healthy new year to you all. Stay safe and follow the rules xx