Shopping (1)

I've never really been into Shopping, all those people driving children's  buggies into the back of your legs or smacking you with their shopping bags, me, I would much rather sit with a coke and a big slice of cake and people watch, of course that has changed as the years have passed and I cant see people's faces unless they are up close, so now I sit there matching peoples body shapes with that of the people I know, and I am always astonished when those two images match and it is someone I know!
This time of year, shopping turns from something that I'm not keen on to something I really hate! During the year I mastered shopping on my own, with out my stick, not going far, but a 20 minute trip on the bus, several shopping lists stashed around my bag, pockets and purse, taking it slow and steady, 20 minutes back on the bus, and I was bursting with pride, this time of year I know I cant do it on my own, just typing about it gives me an unpleasant dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Then comes the dilemma of whether or not to take my stick, If I am with my Mum, my sister, my partner or my girls I know they will watch out for me, but because its so busy people are less tolerant of someone who is slower than they want them to be,  if I take my stick, people are visibly aware of why I am being slow, but on the other hand, I am more vulnerable and sadly making myself a target.
Supermarkets are ridiculous, they cram so much crap in the isles, stack tins of chocolates at the ends of isles, and make lovely displays of hundreds of bottles of wine all stacked up, for me and anyone that has similar problems to trip over on or knock down,, this is a nightmare...not only is the shop full of people fighting to get the biggest frozen turkey two weeks before the 1st of December, but the 'seasonal isle' spreads all over the store, so things that are more or less in the same place each week could now be....well absolutely anywhere. I know this makes me sound like a complete scrooge at this festive time of the year...but imagine standing in a Tesco, you have a little trolley to hold on to, because holding on makes you feel safer and some how, in your own head,  makes you more visible to other people, there's Christmas music playing loudly, a Mum screaming at small child who is having a full on tantrum because he wants a doughnut with sprinkles on RIGHT NOW!!, there's a oldish guy pushing a trolley full of wine which are rattling and chinking on each other and the metal sides of the trolley, Mr and Mrs only been married six weeks are having a heated discussion on which Christmas crackers would best suit the table on Christmas day, a young girl is on her mobile phone giving her mate the full details of her..oh mannnn you cannot believe what he said to her and then what she said back to him sort of day, there's a tiny little girl happily pressing all the start buttons on every single singing Santa she can find, then there's the flashing Christmas tree lights, Stevenage Tesco has a sort of open café upstairs, so you get all the chinking of cups, chatter of people, and a whole range of different smells, coffee, gingerbread, chocolate, that Christmas tree smell, 20 different flavoured scented candles, freshly baked bread, the fish counter and you know that tiny little girl? well, she's definitely now got a very dirty nappy!
All these things the average person may or may not notice, I am aware of every single one of them and more all at the same time, my brain tries to absorb all the messages all my other senses are sending, for a while I can cope, and then as I notice more or someone does something unexpected like as me a question, I am done for, I can no longer cope...its so hard not to make a scene, I want to sit on the floor, curl up into a tiny ball and cry, I am exhausted, but at the same time I am furious with myself for not being able to control all these things, my senses are on high alert at all times, and I just want to switch them off, I notice that my knuckles are white from gripping the trolley so hard, deep breaths and find a isle that has a few people in, usually the squash and juices isle! Then to the tills, where there are massive queue's, never ever go to the self service, I learnt this the hard way, I needed to get out quickly, join a massive queue and have to make small talk with the cashier or self service, self service? WRONGGGGG , self service means that you are under pressure from the other people waiting, your recyclable bag never stands up in the small space provided, and there is always a problem with something and you have to wait for a member of staff to notice your light flashing because when you turn around all you can see are body shapes...so, join the queue at the till it is, the cashiers are often quite soothing to chat to, there is loads more room for your bags, if there is a problem, your cashier deals with it instantly and therefore the pressure and anxious desperate need to get out of the shop is relieved slightly. And that's all before you get the down right rude people who will plough through everyone with no care, understanding or tolerance of any other human, whether or not that person might have a disability.
Oh dear, I have just re read my blog and it sounds like a massive rant, I just wish the world was a little more considerate, everyone is in such a rush, and shops are making Christmas as big as they can ramming all these 'must buys' down our throats, when all you really need at Christmas is your family and the people you love around you....what is it that the Grinch says?...its not about packages, boxes or bags... maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store, maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.......oh and pasta cos everyone loves pasta x

Fireworks

I have always loved Fireworks, love the whole outdoor thing with a big bonfire and Jacket potatoes and chilli, when my girls were very small, we used to go to my Mums house where my sisters, their partners and children would all be there, along with some friends we would have some amazing fireworks, but as the years went on, things changed, not in a sad way at all, but well, Fireworks aren't what they used to be with all the rules and regulations they just don't seem so errr BIG! Maybe its because I have got bigger! We then started going to a event in our village organised by the White Horse pub and the local scout group, It was always a fab evening, with a good crowd. When my sight changed, for me, the evening also changed. Walking across the uneven field in the dark was a challenge in its self, but my dearest bestie would be beside me and because I had been to this event for a few years before I always felt relaxed.
Two years ago we went on our customary trip down the village to the pub, I remember standing watching all these lights in the dark sky and feeling humbled and a little sad, the chatter all around me, the smell and the noisy crackle of the bonfire, hot dogs, burgers and the wonderful smell of fried onions, these are all the things that are highlighted in everyday life for me, as I stood there I heard a bus drive past behind the field on the road and wondered how many other peoples hearing was on constant high alert like mine. Sometimes I feel like I am cheating because I am so very tuned into everything that I come across as being able to see more than I can, and often I believe I can see more than I can, confidence in myself and sheer bloody mindedness is my drive. Today I had to move a empty wheel barrow, I know that my sister had put a pair of scissors into the wheel barrow but when I looked into it they weren't there, so off I trundle with the barrow and lift it to prop it up against the fence, in the spilt second I started to lift it I heard the scissors slide in the barrow, I knew I had seen her put them in there, but I just hadn't looked long enough for me to see them, I moved very quickly and grabbed the scissors, propped up the barrow and put the scissors in there right place before anyone noticed, THAT my friends, is what I spend all day every day doing, hoping no one sees if I make a mistake....anyway, I have got off the point now, Fireworks, so, even though I was linked arm in arm with my best friend and I knew she wouldn't let me trip or stand on a small child, as we turned around there were tons and tons of people, for me, all black shadows with no faces all making for the exit, my girls and my friend two children had disappeared into the crowd and for the first time ever I wished I had spend Bonfire night at home, My friend guided me to the back of the field and we climbed over the fence so I wouldn't have to be caught in the crush of people, the kids followed.  The following year my girls and I stayed home and we watched fireworks out of the bedroom window. This year, my sister has moved her horses and they are closer to a firework event, so we all went to the place where they are stabled so we would keep an eye on the horses and watch the fireworks, it was fantastic to stand in a field without rubbing shoulders with a stranger and wondering where the kids had wondered off too, the horses weren't really bothered, so we stood back and watched the sky light up. My work colleagues will tell you that I have a real problem with the lights being switched on and off and it takes me a few minutes to adjust to the change, but I found the fireworks easy to cope with. The following day I got up and as the day progressed every few minutes I would see a little blue or green flash, I ignored it for a while, but by mid afternoon I was starting to worry myself as my bad eye was a bit achy, I sat on the bed thinking about whether or not I should ring mum and the hospital, and how I would describe what was going on to the hospital when I rang.....mmmmm, its just like, like errrr, fireworks....FIREWORKS what a pratt, my brain was remembering the fireworks, and the ache was just where I had been looking at something different, so the moral of this story is, always sit and think before panicking :)