I have now taken myself to my bedroom for a quiet hour to relax and think about all the things I need to fit into next week.
Last week was the first week back to work after the summer holidays, Monday and Tuesday were training days and Wednesday our flock returned all refreshed and buzzing after their break.
Thursday was a triumphant day as finally central beds popped some money into my bank account so I could buy my 'aids' from RINB, trouble is, see, is that, because they farted around so long releasing the whole £500, four of the items are out of stock and one of them has been dis-continued....I must admit I did spend about 15 minutes swearing at the computer screen every time it popped up in red that a item was out of stock, I have waited sooooo long for this order to be placed that I wasn't sure if I was going to cry or throw myself onto the floor and roll around having a full blown tantrum, as it happened I didn't do either of those things, I rang Rob at The Visual Impairment team and moaned at him, in his usual cheery fashion, he told me to order the items which were in stock and he would get on to finding a replacement for the out of stock and dis-continued items, instantly my mood lifted and I placed my order. While Rob was on the phone he asked me if there was any progress with the lighting and the uneven slabs outside my back gate, when I said no, he gave a longgggggg sigh and said he would get on to that too. I have to tell you, I am so excited for this order, I have this cool gadget coming, its like a hand held magnifier, but it does all sorts of magical things to help me, its small enough to tuck into my handbag and, my god, if you knew how pissed off I get when I cant read a label or the price of something in a shop, or read a menu, or even check out the ingredients of something I want to buy, this little piece of equipment will, hopefully, open my world up again and maybe give me a little bit more independence and control.
Control and dis-orientation is something I wanted to talk to you about today, control of my life is something I grip onto so tightly that sometimes I feel that I am going to break, and if I am in a situation where I cannot control what is happening I crumble and feel I have failed. for example, you may remember my neighbour had a tall tree in her garden and last winter some plastic got caught in the top of it, it drove me mad blowing around in the tree, well, the story goes, my neighbour decided she would get a gardener who would remove the tree, I was happy with this as the tree blocks light in the summer and in the winter dropped leaves all over my path and has the bloody plastic in it, anyway Wednesday I come home from work and my daughter asks me why the rotary washing line is propped against the fence, the gardener had chopped the tree down but it landed in my garden, breaking the fence, crushing my plants and snapping and mangling my washing line, all the clothes were still hanging from it limply, all covered in bits of leaf and tree, the whole garden looked like a tornado had hit it, the gardener very stupidly, though it was funny, and said....I've bought you some shrubs to say sorry.........before I could stop myself, I shouted at him, I cant hang my fucking washing off of shrubs can I, I want a fucking washing line!.....Friends, I know its just a washing line, I know the poor guy didn't do it on purpose, but no-one understands the implications of something like this happening. I cant just pop out to Argos and pick up a new line, the metal had snapped in the ground, so I needed a hammer...I don't have a bloody hammer, I cant get rid of the mangled washing line, the garden needs clearing up and its getting dark, the washing needs washing again, all these thoughts make my brain want to explode, so now I have to ask for help, I don't want to ask for help, I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF, but I cant, so I have lost control of the situation, because I cant get a simple job done on my own....in steps lovely boyfriend, who very carefully takes control of the situation, the gardener brings a new line, the old one disappears, the washing goes back into the machine, a hammer appears and the new line is erected. There....problem solved, only, I cannot tell you the sense of loss I feel when I need help.
One newly erected washing line!
Then we come to Saturday....Saturday was a day when things changed, I hadn't slept too well Friday night, so I am unsure if this is a factor or not, but Saturday morning we woke to pouring rain, I got up, brushed my teeth, chucked some dog walking clothes on and went to take Ralph for a quick walk around the block, while I was out I noticed that my balance was ever so slightly out, when I moved my head to check on Ralph who was plodding on behind me, it took a few seconds for me to focus when I moved my head back round to look where I was going. Everything seemed to look different, I put it down to the weather and the day being so dark and dismal. Later I went into Hitchin with my daughter on the bus, she was going to work, so we walked around together for a while, but everything still looked different, I felt very short tempered, and I know it sounds ridiculous but all the shops seemed to have moved places, I was totally dis-orientated, this added to my temper as I asked my Daughter how long a couple of the shops had been there, and was told...they been there ages Mum....I came out of a bakers intending to go to a coffee shop across the road, but I totally miss it, I truly had no idea where I was, its effing Hitchin, I have been there a million times, why is this happening, when my daughter went off to work, I realised that I couldn't walk straight, all the while she was beside me I had a guide, when she was gone I had no boundary and was bumping into things and knocking things off of shelves.
I decided that I should just get the next bus home, but I wanted to get a few bits from M&S, I went in and it took me a full five minutes to work out I wasn't in M&S I was in WH Smith, now as I sit here, I don't understand it, I found Marks and did my shopping and then stood at the bus stop swaying all over the place waiting for the bus. On the drive home, I felt detatched from my body, I was wondering if I had lost my mind. Before I knew it, it was my stop to get off, the journey had passed without me realising.
The minute I shut my front door behind me the whole thing washed away, I put my shopping away and launched into doing the housework and felt perfectly normal.
Later when I explained all this to my Partner, he was a bit cross really, why do I put myself in these situations? why did I go to Hitchin?....well, I needed to order youngest daughters contact lenses.....you could have done that over the phone,....well. I needed a few bits from the shop.....but daughter is at work in Hitchin, she or I could have picked up those few bits later....there was no need for me to go to Hitchin, I went because I feel I need to be doing something, and because I feel I have failed if I don't,
But, his words have shocked me, he is right, there is no need for me to do all I do, the trip to Hitchin could have ended very differently if I had walked out infront of a car, or fallen, or had one of those panic attacks. He says I have to stop running at a million miles a hour, and yes I do, and I will. I am very frightened by what happened Saturday, mostly because I don't understand it, but also because I foolishly put myself in that position, I am responsible for my own actions, that is the control I need to focus on, I need to learn to control the urge to go racing off, not the need to control and push my self to the limit, lessons have been learnt, some of you might say it was a long time coming! xx
