This has got to have been the hardest couple of days I have had for a very long time.
I am so fed up with myself, I am very frustrated and grumpy.
As you know I had to go to the dentist to have three teeth removed on Monday morning.
I had one infected tooth at the top left back and two very infected teeth left bottom.
I hate the dentist as I have told you many times before, I just hate the smell, the noises, everything about it.
I hate the waiting rooms where you are crammed in between strangers on tiny uncomfortable chairs, my dentist has the TV on, supposedly to keep your mind off of either the check up or the bill you get at the end of your treatment.
On Monday I checked in and the receptionist yet again gave me a information update form to fill in, I couldn't even be bothered to explain that I couldn't fill it in, I took it upstairs to the waiting room and slapped it down on the chair beside me.
9am in the morning and the telly was blaring some old rubbish about buying houses and doing them up from auction.....just as the programme changed to something a little more challenging I was called in, the dentist noticed the form on the chair beside me and knew exactly why it was there, she took it walked me through to her examination room and helped me fill it in, with the promise of having a word with the practice manager as this sort of thing should not be happening!
Good, and thank you.
I settled down in the chair and received the first of my anaesthetic injections, which numbed up the top teeth perfectly, however the bottom ones weren't having any of it and just wouldn't numb up, so she began injecting anaesthetic straight into the nerves under the teeth, this did the trick.
The top tooth came out with out too much trouble, but the bottom two, were, quite frankly, a pair of bitches!
Apparently, i don't really understand and when you've had as much anaesthetic as I had you don't really give two flying buzzards, but as the infection was so bad the gums shrink, and fuse onto the root of the tooth, I swear, it would have hurt less if I had been run over by twenty double decker buses, despite all the numbing I still felt every twist, tug and yank. And the noise, well, believe me when I say I can still hear it now.
How is it possible to go and have regular injections in ones eyes, but put one into the dentists chair and one wants to use every swear word under the sun, and I am pretty sure I made some new ones up, and then punch the dentist in the face!
Anyway, an hour and a half later they were out.....'would you like to see them' the dentist says....I am sure it would have been less painful if I had given birth to all three teeth, so nooo I don't want to see the bloody teeth.
Then she shoves the plate with the false teeth on straight on top of my bleeding gums and gives me my instructions for the next 24 hours...No alcohol, no smoking, no exercise, bed rest and sleep sitting up.
My birthday plans for the following day melted away, no swimming, walking the dog or enjoying a glass of wine, the smoking part has never agreed with me so its something I shall not miss.
Luckily for me my sister happened to be parked outside the dentist and drove me home, depositing me on my doorstep, I felt like poo, blood pouring out of my mouth and a massive throbbing in my head.
I went to bed, 11am soon became 1pm and I awoke to fine a deep throbbing in my mouth, my face stuck to the pillow with a mixture of blood and dribble.
That was Monday, today is Wednesday. Although the bleeding has stopped, I still cant open my mouth wide, my face is swollen and I am hungry and irritable. I haven't washed my hair since Sunday evening as the thought of anything touching my face that I am not in full control of fills me with panic.
I really thought the teeth would be taken out, there would be a little blood, but I would be back at work Wednesday with no problems. Not a bloody chance! If I cant stand water on my face how am I going to manage if a child touches it? added to that every time I move the bottom holes start to bleed again.
And I took the false teeth plate out, I couldn't stand it, I will try and put it in maybe in a few days, but I need to recover!!
At the moment I am eating little bowl of fruit cut up into tiny pieces and mashed up birthday cake, the fruit freshens my mouth and the cake is just yummy!
At the start of this blog there was a big fat grey cloud floating firmly over my head, be sharing with you has helped lift my mood, so thank you for listening in advance!!
Considering I felt so rough yesterday I did have a lovely Birthday and was very spoilt, I had some lovely presents and probably chatted a bit to much which didn't help the swelling. I had a Birthday dinner of warm spaghetti Bolognese cut up in to tiny pieces, I used a teaspoon to eat it and it took ages, mashed up lemon cheesecake for pudding, all my favourites.
Back to this morning, before I even opened my eyes I knew there was no chance of me going to work today, despite the fact that I haven't washed my hair in what feels like days, I look a lot like I have a growth on the side of my face, I am tired and grumpy. I telephoned the dentist as soon as they were open and asked if I was normal, the rely was YES its your age, these things are harder the older you get....fudge off!!
So, I have to admit defeat, and just wait to feel better, if that takes a few more days, because as of yesterday I am 45 years old and appear to be classed as old thanks to the dentist receptionist today, then that is what it will be.
I am worn out now, so I am going to have a little sitting up nap.
Speak soon and sorry for moaning!xx
Wednesday, 29 March 2017
Sunday, 26 March 2017
A little blog.
Good morning everyone, and Happy Mothers Day to all you lovely Mothers out there, I hope you all have a beautiful day.
I have had a incredibly crappy week. I caught some sort of a bug and spent all of Thursday and Friday coughing and being sick, Yesterday, Saturday, I felt much better, still coughing a little but no sick.
I thought I would cook meatballs and gnocchi for tea, and went to strain the gnocchi from its boiling water, missed the sieve completely and poured boiling water over my hand, I am so sick of myself, sometimes I wonder if I should just sit in a chair and not move!
Even after keeping my hand in cold water for five minutes, my fingers were red, swollen and hurt. So, I plastered my fingers in Sudocrem, bloody wonderful stuff, it took the swelling down and they didn't hurt as much, this morning I can actually bend them again.....all hail the magical Sudocrem, it fixes just about anything, except tooth ache of course....tooth ache, ohhh the memory, who would have thought two weeks have passed since I was in so much pain I didn't know what to do with myself! Tomorrow morning the offending rotten little buggers come out, and for the first time ever, I cant wait to get to the dentist!
As couldn't go far from the loo Thursday and Friday, I sat reading through some of the printed off blogs. some of the very first ones were very short , especially the first one which was called 'All about me', I found, reading it back to myself, it comes across as, well, dull really.. Almost apologetic and there actually isn't much about me in its content at all.
This particular blog I feel I need to rewrite, I feel that there is more to knowing me than just 15 lines of writing, and in the nearly 18 months of writing Diary of a blind lady, I have changed, so therefore, 'All about me' needs to chance too, in fact maybe its something that needs to be reviewed every year or so as things change.
The other blogs are short but they are say what they mean to say so I certainly wont be changing any of them but get ready for a new 'All about me'
Well, my girls are awake and we are going to walk Ralph to the garden centre as its such a beautiful day, and my dear old mate has made me some Eccles cakes, she makes the best Eccles ever!
Eccles cakes for breakfast, dinner and tea today!!
Sorry its a short one, but I will be back soon with a revised All about me.
Have a lovely Sunday, speak soon xx
Thursday, 23 March 2017
Never Judge a book by its cover!
Hi Everyone,
I was thinking that maybe my last blog made me sound a little aggressive, and I am sorry if it came across like that.
Most of the time I am a pleasant person, but then a situation comes along and you just cant believe how annoying it is and you just want to moan at all the injustices.
I was going to write to you all yesterday, to tell you all about the tranquil, calm and beautiful day I had on Tuesday, and to sort of explain that although I may have sounded like I was obsessed with pavement parking twits, I hoped that you would have had some sort of connection with how annoying things can be, but also how our reactions to situations that upset us defines what happens next.
The fact that I walked round the car parked on the pavement, firstly, meant I wasn't arrested for damaging someone else's property, or upset someone by having a shouting match.
Secondly, and most importantly, It meant I was able to walk away without any confrontation or bad feeling.
Besides all that, how did I know that the car didn't belong to a Doctor that was visiting the house? Or maybe the driver of the car was disabled themselves, you know what they say.....Never judge a book by its cover! Meaning that what something looks like from the outside, isn't always what's going on inside.
Like I said I had every intention of writing last night, until I discovered that there had been a terrorist attack in London, further more in Westminster where my eldest Daughter attends college, I have never felt so useless, I couldn't get her on her mobile phone, and resisting the urge to go charging up into London to find my baby and bring her home safely was almost to much, dam you 'mothers instinct' sometimes I think its more like 'Mothers blind panic instinct!'
Talking to her on the phone as she walked through a deserted Soho towards Kings cross was very unnerving as all I could hear from her end of the phone was helicopters, sirens and her puffing as she power walked to KC. I have never been so happy to get my family through the front door and lock it behind us, sadly the day didn't end that way for everyone.
So, that was why I didn't blog yesterday, when the adrenalin had worn off we all wanted to sleep.
Anyway, I leave you with some photos of Tuesdays beautiful walk with Ralph, we (well, Ralph did) made some new friends and I felt rejuvenated and relaxed....
Speak soon and stay safe xx
I was thinking that maybe my last blog made me sound a little aggressive, and I am sorry if it came across like that.
Most of the time I am a pleasant person, but then a situation comes along and you just cant believe how annoying it is and you just want to moan at all the injustices.
I was going to write to you all yesterday, to tell you all about the tranquil, calm and beautiful day I had on Tuesday, and to sort of explain that although I may have sounded like I was obsessed with pavement parking twits, I hoped that you would have had some sort of connection with how annoying things can be, but also how our reactions to situations that upset us defines what happens next.
The fact that I walked round the car parked on the pavement, firstly, meant I wasn't arrested for damaging someone else's property, or upset someone by having a shouting match.
Secondly, and most importantly, It meant I was able to walk away without any confrontation or bad feeling.
Besides all that, how did I know that the car didn't belong to a Doctor that was visiting the house? Or maybe the driver of the car was disabled themselves, you know what they say.....Never judge a book by its cover! Meaning that what something looks like from the outside, isn't always what's going on inside.
Like I said I had every intention of writing last night, until I discovered that there had been a terrorist attack in London, further more in Westminster where my eldest Daughter attends college, I have never felt so useless, I couldn't get her on her mobile phone, and resisting the urge to go charging up into London to find my baby and bring her home safely was almost to much, dam you 'mothers instinct' sometimes I think its more like 'Mothers blind panic instinct!'
Talking to her on the phone as she walked through a deserted Soho towards Kings cross was very unnerving as all I could hear from her end of the phone was helicopters, sirens and her puffing as she power walked to KC. I have never been so happy to get my family through the front door and lock it behind us, sadly the day didn't end that way for everyone.
So, that was why I didn't blog yesterday, when the adrenalin had worn off we all wanted to sleep.
Anyway, I leave you with some photos of Tuesdays beautiful walk with Ralph, we (well, Ralph did) made some new friends and I felt rejuvenated and relaxed....
Speak soon and stay safe xx
Monday, 20 March 2017
Intentionally Ignorant?
Evening all!!
Well, that's Monday done and out of the way, before we know it Friday will be here again.
So the other things I wanted to tell you, pre tooth ache........
People, why are people so bloody inconsiderate? Or maybe it just doesn't enter their heads that they are being inconsiderate....
I dunno, but when I took Ralph out for a walk last week, actually that's sort of two weeks ago now, but the effects are still the same and the whole situation still makes my blood boil.
So, I had been messing around when I got in from work, you know doing the usual crap, making tea, putting the bins out and sitting on my backside watching Kardashian crap on TV, when I realised that I hadn't taken Ralph out, my girls were on their way out so I said I would walk a little way with them and walk the rest of the way home on my own, hopefully before it got dark.
A fab plan, they went off their own way a little way up the road and as it was getting dark I had to concentrate on my trundle around my usual route.
THEN THERE WAS THIS.....
Well, that's Monday done and out of the way, before we know it Friday will be here again.
So the other things I wanted to tell you, pre tooth ache........
People, why are people so bloody inconsiderate? Or maybe it just doesn't enter their heads that they are being inconsiderate....
I dunno, but when I took Ralph out for a walk last week, actually that's sort of two weeks ago now, but the effects are still the same and the whole situation still makes my blood boil.
So, I had been messing around when I got in from work, you know doing the usual crap, making tea, putting the bins out and sitting on my backside watching Kardashian crap on TV, when I realised that I hadn't taken Ralph out, my girls were on their way out so I said I would walk a little way with them and walk the rest of the way home on my own, hopefully before it got dark.
A fab plan, they went off their own way a little way up the road and as it was getting dark I had to concentrate on my trundle around my usual route.
THEN THERE WAS THIS.....
I feel I need to explain this photo a bit, so as I was walking along, Ralph was on his retractable lead and had decided he liked the look of a lamp post so I was sort of walking in front of him, when I walked, and I mean literally walked into this big black car, parked across the path and onto someone's drive.
Across the other side of the road is a fecking car park.
Anyhow, I had to take a big step back and just stood there looking, well I say looking, but I really couldn't see it, the road was dark, and the car was black, I think even a sighted person would have had trouble seeing it.
I got out my phone, thinking I would put on my flash light to get round the car safely, but it was parked bumper to bumper with another car that was parked on the drive way, meaning I would have to walk into the road with Ralph to get past.
Then, I had this massive urge to kick the door leaving a lovely great foot print in the side of the bloody great people carrier in my and every other pedestrians way. But then, because I am evil, and I am a Arian crossed with having a little more Italian in me than I like to admit, a image formed in my head, and for a split second I even thought about doing it......I stood there with this massive grin on my face as the images unfolded in my head, of me and Ralph climbing up on the wheel arch, pulling ourselves up onto the bonnet and proudly stomping over the bonnet, and then gracefully jumping off the other side of the bonnet, landing triumphantly upright and swaggering home with Ralph equally cocky.
But, now the image in my head was making me laugh, Ralph was looking up at me like, wassup Mum?
Of Couse the other option was to go hammer on the front door of the house and demand that the stupid f**king t**t's moved their illegally and selfishly parked car. But I used the flashlight and made my way around the car via the road.
I still regret not walking over the bonnet!!
I wonder if the driver even thought about the consequence of parking over the path? Did he or she even give a poop?
I just cant help smiling though at the thought of the look on a policeman's face as I stomped across a car bonnet, car owner screaming at me....think of the damage high heels would have made!! Christ, I would be lucky to walk across my bedroom floor in a pair of heels without breaking my neck let alone doing a dance on a car bonnet, I would have landed in a heap on the floor with every bone in my body broken!
On the Brightside, I had a chat with my friend who knows all about this churchy lent stuff, I told her a friend and I had given up chocolate for lent, and how I am starting to find the lack of choc choc in my diet really hard, but get this...so lent is 40 days and nights right? but apparently from shrove Tuesday to Easter Sunday its 46 days, so that means you CAN EAT CHOCOLATE FOR SIX DAYS!!!! That's a dam result!
Trouble is, firstly I am worried that my friend is teasing me and secondly if I start eating chocolate I know I wont stop. Maybe I should buy some just to look at!
The other news is, I was asked to write a article for the RNIB connect magazine about blogging, I am not a professional blogger and for me its a non profitable hobby.
The feed back I get from the Diary of a blind lady has always been positive (so far), and I love doing it, so I agreed to write the article.
I thoroughly enjoyed doing it, its difficult when you have no idea what other peoples expectations are but I think my piece was well received. I am told it will be in a issue soon and they will let me know, which reminds me I must find out when the radio interview goes out. I hope I haven't missed it.
Anyway, while I was writing the article I realised how unprotected my blog is, and I have no idea how to protect it, its mine but if someone stole it how would I prove that its mine and who would I talk to?
I have printed each blog off and have them as a paper version safely tucked away, its something I need to look into.
Well, I suppose I should go to bed, its past 9pm on a school night!
Speak soon xx
Sunday, 19 March 2017
who to trust?
Hello everyone,
What a difference a week makes eh? I have so much to tell you, I may need to post twice!
Last Friday when I last posted I wasn't feeling quite myself, I had niggling toothache, and as we went through Friday night it got worse, I had been taking two Paracetamol and two Ibuprofen together every four hours throughout the day on Friday but as night came (and why does pain get worse at night, when there is bugger all you can do about it), I was taking them every two hours.
I didn't sleep at all Friday night, and took myself to the chemist Saturday morning and asked for the strongest painkillers they could sell over the counter.
Nurofen plus, no other painkillers to be taken with them, only six or eight to be taken in 24 hours and only take them for three days as they can become addictive.
I don't care and took two while I was in the chemist in order to get me home on the bus without murdering someone or smashing my face against a wall.
By now these odd white spots had appeared on my red and swollen cheek and I felt like poo.
At home the new painkillers were working for just over two hours, but then I was crying with pain again, so I started to take paracetamol with them, this did the trick and I spent all afternoon sitting on the sofa with a hot water bottle pressed to my face and a glazed look in my eyes. (by the way, NEVER use a hot water bottle for tooth ache, apparently it makes the pain worse!)
Saturday night nothing was touching it and I was literally taking every single painkiller I could find in the house and rubbing anything I could find in our medicine draw on my teeth and gums from Bonjela to Vicks vapour rub, I wanted to die.
Sunday I caved in and after not being able to eat, the swelling and pain much worse, I went to the emergency dentist, as soon as he numbed my mouth it was heaven, he took out a manky filling packed it with a dressing and sent me home with the promise of no more pain and a good nights sleep...and oh don't take any more painkillers, perfect, until the numbness wore off, then the throbbing pain I had been having over the last two days turned into something I can only describe as white shearing pain, with the warning of no more painkillers as I had already over dosed quite significantly, I really wanted to die, I sat crying and rocking and swearing and rocking and crying some more!
By now the dentist had closed so I was bundled into the car and taken to my nearest A&E, I truly have no idea what happened there, only that after being booked in and the treyarch nurse took my vitals, I was rushed straight past all the waiting public and into a tiny waiting room, where I was given more painkillers and a massive shot of morphine, the morphine still didn't touch the pain but these little tiny codeine pills were fab. forty minutes later I was on the way back home, so drugged up that I couldn't do anything but sleep!
Monday I woke and realised I couldn't talk, hey everyone's happy!!
But the pain was still there, but not as bad as it was, so off I trundle to the dentist who says, 'ohhhh you've got a massive infection under that tooth'........NO S**T.
Start antibiotics immediately but if the swelling doesn't go down within 24 hours you will need to go into hospital and have them through a drip, sod off love, and I took two of my three times a day for five days antibiotics in the middle of the chemist, went home and slept for the rest of the day, by Wednesday I was back to my usual bossy self.
I understand the dentist was concerned because the swelling in my cheek was so bad that it had started to affect my good eye, and for once in my life I actually did as I was told and rested.
I have to go back to the dentist in a week and have three manky teeth removed, I cant wait, the thought of ever having pain like that again scares me to death, I would rather have given birth to 10 10lb babies! Tooth ache and ear ache, the worst pain EVER!!
Yesterday our dear friends from Woodbridge came to visit, they met us in town and we went to lunch, I had a lovely noodle and chicken salad at TGI Fridays, and was really enjoying it until a lump of my bad tooth fell off, I have been waiting for the tooth ache pain to return ever since, fingers crossed I can get to the dentist before it starts!
We have known our friends from Woodbridge for many years, it feels like I have known them all my life, we don't really gossip, we talk about real life and deep shit.
We put the world to rights (our rights that is!!) and openly discuss matters and situations that you usually keep tucked away in the back of your mind. I love that you can disagree with out a argument or throw a different view into the pot and it is considered instead of poo pooed.
Yesterday we talked about trust.
I don't know what is happening to me but I feel I am changing and the way I look at the world and the people in it is also changing.
Before I got wiped out with the tooth ache, (that's how I know it wasn't the drugs) I was walking Ralph, it was windy and he had decided that a leaf blowing in the wind needed a good seeing to and I stood and watched him chasing it, every now and then he would stop and check I was still there, run up to me then dart away again as the leaf moved, then a man started to walk towards me, Ralph was instantly by my side hiding behind my legs, the man walked on past and didn't even make eye contact (well, I don't think he did, he certainly didn't speak). Ralph then ran off to continue his frolicking with his new best friend, leaf!
I watched the man walk away, Then I realised that Ralph wasn't protecting or guarding me from the man, he was looking for me to protect him. How does a dog know who to trust?
I was still watching the man, thinking, we are all made the same, our bodies are all made the same initially, to a animal we are all humans, so how do they know that a stranger is not to be trusted when we as humans cant figure out that some of the people we know aren't to be trusted?
My friends and I did a little test, so, how many people over the 50 odd years of their lives do they feel they can actually trust with anything, I mean really trust, deep, dark full on trust....seven, seven people over the years, mine was eight. How many people over the years did you think you could trust but they let you down....far too many to count.
Isn't that sad? These are normal high functioning adults with impeccable social skills.
SO, who do people like me trust? who do the vulnerable people trust?
You might trust your next door neighbour to put your bin out on collection day, but how does a person with a disability know that some one is giving them advice because they have their best interests at heart and not because you make a fabulous statistic.
Maybe I have too much time on my hands and think too much, sometimes I feel that we are too advanced for our time, we are running around gathering as much money as we can, to provide a 'better' life, but a 'better' life never comes, because next door gets a new car so you have to go get one, all the time we are becoming more and more selfish and less considerate to the needs of others around us, and our expectations of what our lives should be like are beyond our reach, so we become disrespectful, disrespectful of the need to trust and be trusted.
I wish I was more like Ralph and have the ability to identify the untrustworthy people I meet, but that would be all too easy, humans have to learn the hard way, people with disabilities shouldn't have to wonder who to trust, there should be a 'body' of trust, and I know there are organisations out there who provide that, but they are massively over stretched, and people fall through the net, this shouldn't be happening in this day and age...but it is.
I now have absolutely no idea what I am rambling on about, and I need the loo, so I will go and get on with Sunday, and I hope this blog is not too long and boring for you.
As usual, I leave you with a photo of Ralph feeling the need to sleep with his blanket right behind me as I did the ironing, not one of his better plans!
What a difference a week makes eh? I have so much to tell you, I may need to post twice!
Last Friday when I last posted I wasn't feeling quite myself, I had niggling toothache, and as we went through Friday night it got worse, I had been taking two Paracetamol and two Ibuprofen together every four hours throughout the day on Friday but as night came (and why does pain get worse at night, when there is bugger all you can do about it), I was taking them every two hours.
I didn't sleep at all Friday night, and took myself to the chemist Saturday morning and asked for the strongest painkillers they could sell over the counter.
Nurofen plus, no other painkillers to be taken with them, only six or eight to be taken in 24 hours and only take them for three days as they can become addictive.
I don't care and took two while I was in the chemist in order to get me home on the bus without murdering someone or smashing my face against a wall.
By now these odd white spots had appeared on my red and swollen cheek and I felt like poo.
At home the new painkillers were working for just over two hours, but then I was crying with pain again, so I started to take paracetamol with them, this did the trick and I spent all afternoon sitting on the sofa with a hot water bottle pressed to my face and a glazed look in my eyes. (by the way, NEVER use a hot water bottle for tooth ache, apparently it makes the pain worse!)
Saturday night nothing was touching it and I was literally taking every single painkiller I could find in the house and rubbing anything I could find in our medicine draw on my teeth and gums from Bonjela to Vicks vapour rub, I wanted to die.
Sunday I caved in and after not being able to eat, the swelling and pain much worse, I went to the emergency dentist, as soon as he numbed my mouth it was heaven, he took out a manky filling packed it with a dressing and sent me home with the promise of no more pain and a good nights sleep...and oh don't take any more painkillers, perfect, until the numbness wore off, then the throbbing pain I had been having over the last two days turned into something I can only describe as white shearing pain, with the warning of no more painkillers as I had already over dosed quite significantly, I really wanted to die, I sat crying and rocking and swearing and rocking and crying some more!
By now the dentist had closed so I was bundled into the car and taken to my nearest A&E, I truly have no idea what happened there, only that after being booked in and the treyarch nurse took my vitals, I was rushed straight past all the waiting public and into a tiny waiting room, where I was given more painkillers and a massive shot of morphine, the morphine still didn't touch the pain but these little tiny codeine pills were fab. forty minutes later I was on the way back home, so drugged up that I couldn't do anything but sleep!
Monday I woke and realised I couldn't talk, hey everyone's happy!!
But the pain was still there, but not as bad as it was, so off I trundle to the dentist who says, 'ohhhh you've got a massive infection under that tooth'........NO S**T.
Start antibiotics immediately but if the swelling doesn't go down within 24 hours you will need to go into hospital and have them through a drip, sod off love, and I took two of my three times a day for five days antibiotics in the middle of the chemist, went home and slept for the rest of the day, by Wednesday I was back to my usual bossy self.
I understand the dentist was concerned because the swelling in my cheek was so bad that it had started to affect my good eye, and for once in my life I actually did as I was told and rested.
I have to go back to the dentist in a week and have three manky teeth removed, I cant wait, the thought of ever having pain like that again scares me to death, I would rather have given birth to 10 10lb babies! Tooth ache and ear ache, the worst pain EVER!!
Yesterday our dear friends from Woodbridge came to visit, they met us in town and we went to lunch, I had a lovely noodle and chicken salad at TGI Fridays, and was really enjoying it until a lump of my bad tooth fell off, I have been waiting for the tooth ache pain to return ever since, fingers crossed I can get to the dentist before it starts!
We have known our friends from Woodbridge for many years, it feels like I have known them all my life, we don't really gossip, we talk about real life and deep shit.
We put the world to rights (our rights that is!!) and openly discuss matters and situations that you usually keep tucked away in the back of your mind. I love that you can disagree with out a argument or throw a different view into the pot and it is considered instead of poo pooed.
Yesterday we talked about trust.
I don't know what is happening to me but I feel I am changing and the way I look at the world and the people in it is also changing.
Before I got wiped out with the tooth ache, (that's how I know it wasn't the drugs) I was walking Ralph, it was windy and he had decided that a leaf blowing in the wind needed a good seeing to and I stood and watched him chasing it, every now and then he would stop and check I was still there, run up to me then dart away again as the leaf moved, then a man started to walk towards me, Ralph was instantly by my side hiding behind my legs, the man walked on past and didn't even make eye contact (well, I don't think he did, he certainly didn't speak). Ralph then ran off to continue his frolicking with his new best friend, leaf!
I watched the man walk away, Then I realised that Ralph wasn't protecting or guarding me from the man, he was looking for me to protect him. How does a dog know who to trust?
I was still watching the man, thinking, we are all made the same, our bodies are all made the same initially, to a animal we are all humans, so how do they know that a stranger is not to be trusted when we as humans cant figure out that some of the people we know aren't to be trusted?
My friends and I did a little test, so, how many people over the 50 odd years of their lives do they feel they can actually trust with anything, I mean really trust, deep, dark full on trust....seven, seven people over the years, mine was eight. How many people over the years did you think you could trust but they let you down....far too many to count.
Isn't that sad? These are normal high functioning adults with impeccable social skills.
SO, who do people like me trust? who do the vulnerable people trust?
You might trust your next door neighbour to put your bin out on collection day, but how does a person with a disability know that some one is giving them advice because they have their best interests at heart and not because you make a fabulous statistic.
Maybe I have too much time on my hands and think too much, sometimes I feel that we are too advanced for our time, we are running around gathering as much money as we can, to provide a 'better' life, but a 'better' life never comes, because next door gets a new car so you have to go get one, all the time we are becoming more and more selfish and less considerate to the needs of others around us, and our expectations of what our lives should be like are beyond our reach, so we become disrespectful, disrespectful of the need to trust and be trusted.
I wish I was more like Ralph and have the ability to identify the untrustworthy people I meet, but that would be all too easy, humans have to learn the hard way, people with disabilities shouldn't have to wonder who to trust, there should be a 'body' of trust, and I know there are organisations out there who provide that, but they are massively over stretched, and people fall through the net, this shouldn't be happening in this day and age...but it is.
I now have absolutely no idea what I am rambling on about, and I need the loo, so I will go and get on with Sunday, and I hope this blog is not too long and boring for you.
As usual, I leave you with a photo of Ralph feeling the need to sleep with his blanket right behind me as I did the ironing, not one of his better plans!
Speak soon xx
Friday, 10 March 2017
relaxing bombshells
Hi Everyone!
I hope you have all had a good week? Today, Friday, has been one of those days when your feet don't touch the ground and you are constantly running from one job to the next.
The only thing that has pushed me through the day has been the thought of being able to have a hot bath, put on my PJ's and sit down as soon as I got home, as you all know, things never really go the way you want them to, but after catching up with the million things that I didn't really need to do but felt I should, this includes, taking Ralph for his second long walk of the day, cooking a batch of cupcakes, tidying the bedrooms and farting about with the newly emptied wheelie bins outside I am finally sitting on the sofa with Ralph beside me.
There is silence, well sort of, my girls are out, the telly is off, the dish washer is finished and empty and the washing machine is loaded and ready to go...but not yet....right now I need silence.
I have some little fairy lights we kept up from Christmas because the girls liked them, so I have been sitting with just those for light....
Ralph and I have shared a couple of these...well he shared with his eyes I shared with my mouth!
Anyway, there I sat, sprawled along the sofa with my feet dangling over the arm, listening...eyes closed, I could hear the relaxing soft sound of the water in the fish pond, then a aeroplane flying past, bringing a smile to my lips, my whole body started to relax as the sounds reminded me of summer, lazy days and holidays.
The sounds were taking me off somewhere special, I had that lovely warm bubbly feeling in my tummy that you get when you are really relaxed....then it happened, Ralph suddenly moved, I opened one eye and looked at him.....'That better not smell Ralph'...........HOLY CRAP!!! How on earth can such a small dog produce such a rancid smell....relaxation over! Dog deposited in the garden.
So then I got thinking about the week that seems to have dragged on and on, which reminded me that Tuesday I went back to the dentist, which in turn reminded me that I still have tooth ache.
My two bad teeth didn't get removed as the dentist said they would this week, due to a problem with the impressions and the lab requesting more, so the impressions were done again and the dentist decided to do a filling on another tooth instead, she warned me that as it was such a deep filling I might get some after pain for a few days until it settles down...No S**T, I have been so uncomfortable that I could quite easily kill someone.
Tuesday was a busy day, and before I went to the dentist I went for a swim with my friend. 10 lengths of the pool I tell you! I am so proud of myself, I didn't do them all at the same time, I swam up and down, then had a little rest, then did it again. I am getting stronger each week, even when I had to swim away from the edge to avoid another swimmer I didn't drown, so all is good.
I also had another telephone meeting with RNIB Connect, this time there was just the four of us, and I feel much better about what I should be doing.
I have had a little idea, I don't know if it will work out, buttttt, so, I don't know if you have seen these places that do these obstacle course/mud run things, they look like good fun, well what if I could find a place that would open up their venue, say once a year, solely for the use of blind and partially sighted people and their families or carers, it could be a day of letting your hair down, no inhibitions, everyone helping each other out, no judgementations, just fun, you don't have to have a go, but wouldn't it be great if everyone could come together at a event like this, this is how people will talk to each other, share stories and experiences. you could even invite reps from the local sensory impairment team, Guide dogs and RNIB, even if they just gave out leaflets. A day like this could suit all ages and abilities as adaptations could be made...so I thought I would just check it out, you know see how the land lies so to speak...AND FUDGE ME, I ONLY WENT AND FOUND A PLACE WHO SAID THAT THEY WOULD LOVE TO HELP PUT SOMETHING TOGETHER!!!!!!
I am astonished! All I need to do now is convince everyone else that its a good idea....
Also, I talked about having the diary made into audio format to reach more people who find accessing it in its original format difficult, so fingers crossed for that.
Well, now I am tired so I am off to bed, so I leave you with a photo of my little mate just after he dropped another one of his delightful bombshells
Have a good weekend, speak soon xx
Sunday, 5 March 2017
Calm voice
Hi Everyone, I cant believe its Sunday again, where on earth did the week go?
Firstly and most importantly, I have to make a amendment to last weeks post, my girls have informed me that their Dad did not teach me to swim, although he did accompany me a couple of times, it was my girls and my friend Jane who 'taught' me and gave me time and encouragement, funny how your memories can be distorted by how you want to remember someone or a situation. I think I was relating all my swimming experiences to the Hitchin swimming pool because that's where I go every week, and I had forgotten about the swimming trips in Woodbridge, they have a perfect size pool, and it doesn't get too busy, anyway I am sorry for that blip in my memory, and I really do Thank you Jane and my girls.
This week I discovered that although I think I have everything under control....I actually don't!
My friend and I were a little late to the pool on Thursday, she popped off to the Loo and I made my way to the pool side as per our emerging routine...only to find the water was busy, busy with humans, humans of all shapes and sizes, some powering up and down the lanes, some just messing around and then there were the oldies, who seem to just magically float along the water, not even getting their hair wet (I want to do that!),
The shallow end was, in my eyes, packed. The wave of panic hitting my stomach as I pushed my self to the poolside steps was almost to much, I desperately wanted to turn and run, run far, far away, to somewhere quiet and calm...like my bed, I had flashes of my bed, sitting in my warm comfy bed, with the sun streaming through the window, and silence, beautiful clear and calm silence.....but no, I am at Hitchin bloody swimming pool, there is a load of selfish horrible nasty humans who have completely and irresponsibly chosen to swim on the exact morning that I WANT TO SWIM....what the hell is the matter with people, don't they know I am in a panic!
Then comes the gentle hand on my shoulder and my friends even more gentle voice saying..are you ok?
I don't think I can do it today, I cant do it, its too busy, but the gentle voice is saying..'ok, but lets get in and make our way past these people and see how you feel.............well, fudge me! The voice was right, as soon as I was past the group of people, who incidentally, where good enough to acknowledge me, I was off, straight to the deep end, AND, I didn't even need a marker! because I discovered that as you swim along towards the shallow end the water gets warmer, which is a good indicator that my feet can touch he bottom, I cant believe how much easier it is to swim in deep water.
I recon I must be well on my way to completing at least one of my new years resolutions all ready! I am so glad I didn't run and hide, the day turned into a triumph instead of a failure, that's what we all need, more triumphs less failures!
The arrival of pancake day on Tuesday meant that, even though we are not religious in any shape or form, we should try and give something up for Lent. My youngest chose school and my eldest chose work, my partner chose nothing cos he is perfect doesn't need to give anything up, so I ignored them all and I chose to give up chocolate and to make a effort to take 10,000 steps or more a day.
Both are going really well so far, I haven't wanted any chocolate and most days I take on average 15,000 to 20.000 steps, see I'm bloody good ent I?
Yesterday was a lovely warm day, I got loads done and my youngest and I went into town and wondered around the shops, we usually buy a treat for Saturday evenings and we struggled not to buy any chocolate, so I made a Bakewell tart instead, instant sugar rush and you don't need to much as its so sweet, perfect!
Firstly and most importantly, I have to make a amendment to last weeks post, my girls have informed me that their Dad did not teach me to swim, although he did accompany me a couple of times, it was my girls and my friend Jane who 'taught' me and gave me time and encouragement, funny how your memories can be distorted by how you want to remember someone or a situation. I think I was relating all my swimming experiences to the Hitchin swimming pool because that's where I go every week, and I had forgotten about the swimming trips in Woodbridge, they have a perfect size pool, and it doesn't get too busy, anyway I am sorry for that blip in my memory, and I really do Thank you Jane and my girls.
This week I discovered that although I think I have everything under control....I actually don't!
My friend and I were a little late to the pool on Thursday, she popped off to the Loo and I made my way to the pool side as per our emerging routine...only to find the water was busy, busy with humans, humans of all shapes and sizes, some powering up and down the lanes, some just messing around and then there were the oldies, who seem to just magically float along the water, not even getting their hair wet (I want to do that!),
The shallow end was, in my eyes, packed. The wave of panic hitting my stomach as I pushed my self to the poolside steps was almost to much, I desperately wanted to turn and run, run far, far away, to somewhere quiet and calm...like my bed, I had flashes of my bed, sitting in my warm comfy bed, with the sun streaming through the window, and silence, beautiful clear and calm silence.....but no, I am at Hitchin bloody swimming pool, there is a load of selfish horrible nasty humans who have completely and irresponsibly chosen to swim on the exact morning that I WANT TO SWIM....what the hell is the matter with people, don't they know I am in a panic!
Then comes the gentle hand on my shoulder and my friends even more gentle voice saying..are you ok?
I don't think I can do it today, I cant do it, its too busy, but the gentle voice is saying..'ok, but lets get in and make our way past these people and see how you feel.............well, fudge me! The voice was right, as soon as I was past the group of people, who incidentally, where good enough to acknowledge me, I was off, straight to the deep end, AND, I didn't even need a marker! because I discovered that as you swim along towards the shallow end the water gets warmer, which is a good indicator that my feet can touch he bottom, I cant believe how much easier it is to swim in deep water.
I recon I must be well on my way to completing at least one of my new years resolutions all ready! I am so glad I didn't run and hide, the day turned into a triumph instead of a failure, that's what we all need, more triumphs less failures!
The arrival of pancake day on Tuesday meant that, even though we are not religious in any shape or form, we should try and give something up for Lent. My youngest chose school and my eldest chose work, my partner chose nothing cos he is perfect doesn't need to give anything up, so I ignored them all and I chose to give up chocolate and to make a effort to take 10,000 steps or more a day.
Both are going really well so far, I haven't wanted any chocolate and most days I take on average 15,000 to 20.000 steps, see I'm bloody good ent I?
Yesterday was a lovely warm day, I got loads done and my youngest and I went into town and wondered around the shops, we usually buy a treat for Saturday evenings and we struggled not to buy any chocolate, so I made a Bakewell tart instead, instant sugar rush and you don't need to much as its so sweet, perfect!
I used to be really good at making and piping icing on cakes, but I just cant see well enough to do fiddly things anymore.
What else have I got to tell you....Ohhh yes, for years on and off I have brought a Lottery ticket, I have never won more than £25 and I don't really hold out much hope for winning anything more than that, however I am always on the look out for something a bit more, I dunno, personal if you like.
I stumbled across the RNIB Lottery, I don't think its very well advertised and I literally never knew it existed. For £1 every week you get put into a draw to win £1000, you are given your own unique number and you have to pay by direct debit on a monthly basis, but I like the fact that you know your money is going where you want it to go, I know the Lottery helps fund Charites, but I like to be more specific. You can win other prizes too, £10.000 3 times a year, and £25.000 at Christmas.
I still don't suppose I will win anything, I have never been lucky like that, but at least I know my money is going towards research and support for visually impaired folk.
well, it is absolutely pouring down outside, and Ralph is asking for a walk!
I leave you with a photo of Ralph not getting any cake! But trying to look cute enough to deserve some!
Have a good week everyone, speak soon xx
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