Well, that was a bloody nightmare!! I hope you guys are all staying safe and well out there?
My poor old laptop did some kind of an update, it cleared all my emails and set it back to factory settings, which would have been fine if I had remembered all the passwords and email addresses, it took me ages to work out what went with what, then I finally got it sorted and managed to write one blog, and then my poor old laptop went off to the laptop heaven in the sky, leaving me gutted that I couldn't share my daily disasters with you.
I've had such a rubbish couple of days and needed to rant off at whoever would listen, so it's taken me hours, but I have finally transfered and downloaded blogger and all the necessary crap it takes in order for me to speak to you through my little tablet. Typing takes forever, and I definitely prefer a actual keyboard, but you know what they say...beggars can't be choosers.
Now I've explained myself, I will fill you in a little, yesterday, I had my very first 'living with sight loss' session, there's six in all, spread over six weeks. Because of our current situation with covid-19, the meetings are held over conference call, there's six of us (I think) and a moderator. The sessions are ninety minutes long, now, the last seven months have kept me extremely busy, I'm occasionally frustrated by the fact that my sight slows me down, but overall, it's been feed the nation, go home, go to bed and go back to feeding the nation, days off consist of trying to feed my own small nation, walking Ralph and trying my hardest, and failing, to keep up with the housework.
Then, I had a little accident at work which stopped me in my tracks for a few days, to be fair, it probably should have stopped me in my tracks for longer than a few days, but, as you all know, I'm not one for sitting around when there's work to be done.
Physically, it took me a while to get my mojo back, but mentally, it's taken me much longer. Then I found a little lump on my chest, after agonising about it for a week, I finally called my local JP, who was like...yeahhhh, email me a photo..(which I did, BUT I was very careful to ensure the photo contained less chest and more of my chins, just in case the photo found itself wondering around the internet) they sent me some cream and told me to phone back for another phone consultation in two weeks if it hasn't gone by then, don't ask me how the doctor decided I just needed some cream, when he hasn't actually looked at it, but I can tell you now, if this turns out to be something nasty, my doctor won't need to worry about covid-19, he is gonna need to look out for a blind lady and her cane, I'm gonna be after his ankles!!
All this has messed with the magical balance that makes me ME, so, the powers that be suggest I take a living with sight loss' course.
Now don't get me wrong, these courses are bloody fantastic, and they help so many people on this bitch of a journey that comes with loosing ones sight, however, I am not very good at being blind, I don't like talking about it, and would happily ignore it as much as I can, I find ways of overcoming hurdles and just get on with it.
This, was real, real people struggling with the cards life has dealt them, I listened carefully to each one of them introduce themselves and talk about their conditions, as I listened I realised, I don't have one condition, I have all the conditions that they have, every single one had a different story and condition, so by the time it got to my turn to introduce myself, I simply said my name, the area I live in and that I was born shorted sighted! A bloody total lie, but I just couldn't talk about it, I didn't want to share all the stuff I've been through all over again, one person was saying he had two injections of Avastin and seemed proper proud, mate, I had six, six bloody injections before I heamorrhaged, I know it's not a competition but it just felt like I'd forgotten or ignored everything, then it all came rushing back, years of stuff all in 90 minutes.
I didn't really have time to process it properly as I went straight to work afterwards, and all I did was cry, a nine hour shift spent trying to hind my tears with my mask, not daring to use a tissue for my runny nose, just when I thought there were no more tears to come, I cried again!
By the time I crawled into my bed I was in a proper grumpy mood, and I was no better this morning, I woke up with all the thoughts still heavy on my mind and I've spent all morning feeling sorry for myself.
I tried to drag myself back up, had a nice hot bath and washed my hair, took Ralphie for a walk, the sun has been out all day, so when My eldest went off to work, I decided I would go with her into town, have a look around the shops, go into Asda, get something for tea and catch the train home.
The minute we pulled into the car park I knew I'd made a mistake, Asda at the best of times is awful, the local schools had already emptied out straight into Asda, so I did a very quick trip around Marks and Spencer, and promised my eldest that I would take a nice half hour stroll to the train station and go straight home.
There I am enjoying nosing at everyone's front gardens, when the first drop of rain splattered on my forehead, literally, within three minutes it was absolutely pouring, instantly my mood began to lift, I dunno why I find these situations so funny, by the time I got to the station my socks were as wet as my shoes, and I was smiling to myself as I squweltched my way to the ticket office, only to find it was shut, I looked around for help, and saw a young man with a fag hanging out of his mouth and a can of special brew in his hand and decided I'd take my chances without a ticket, mask back on I got on the train ticketless!
My stop is only the next one along the line, and for some reason I expected the sun to still be shining, how wrong was I! I got off the train straight into a full on thunderstorm, by the time I had my key in my front door, even my pants were wet, but it felt bloody great, my mood had lifted. I walked in and Ralph took one look at me, literally shook his head, walked away and sat on the sofa, watching me peel off my wet clothes from a safe distance.
I will go back for my second meeting next week, but I will try to remember that everyone's experiences are different and everyone copes differently with those experiences. I've been lucky to have had diary of a blind lady as my outlet, I've talked through all my thoughts and emotions with you guys, and if this is going to prepare me for the future then this can only be a good thing. I will try not to get upset, but if it does, let's hope rain is forecast for next week too.
Speak soon xx
