Hello everyone,
I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit fed up at the moment. I know that everyone is sick of being at home, sick of not having anything to look forward too, no where to go and no one to see, it's been such hard work for people, especially if you are living on your own and you're used to being sociable.
I've been lucky that I've been able to go to work, even if some days have been completely ridiculous, and some people refuse to follow the rules...but I've still had some kind of routine, still had the opportunity to talk to different people, my mind has still been busy, meaning that I'm quite happy to stay home on my days off.
Once again though, when I feel like I'm totally at my best, I'm knocked completely off my feet. I've had a weekend from hell really.
I don't enjoy this time of year anyway, I lost my Dad in February and we buried him on Valentine's day, and although that was a long 24 years ago, when it comes to the anniversary it all becomes as raw as it was just yesterday.
So, I'm grumpy, yesterday I took myself and Ralph off for a long was walk over the fields. It's one of my learnt routes, but I've not been waking that way because it's been so wet and muddy, but since the snow and freezing temperatures, my sister told me that the route had completely dried up, so off I go, only it was so cold and windy, I spent more time avoiding other dog walkers and dodging the massive puddles of ice all over the tracks.
So, I'm miles away stomping around this field, when I realise everyone else's dogs have coats on and the wind feels like -5, I finally pull my head out of 24 year old memories and notice my poor boy is not enjoying his walk at all, the wind is pushing him in all directions and it's so bloody cold.
So, I stop..he stops, looking up at me, for a second I considered picking him up and tucking him in my coat, but Im not sure he would have been much warmer, plus he is too bloody heavy to carry.
So, I say to him, hey boy, are you cold? You wanna go home?
The little bugger does no more than turn around and starts running home, so there I am trying my hardest to run against the wind while trying to watch my footing so I don't end up flat on my face, and praying that he stops before he reaches the road.
I'm calling and calling him, he kept glancing behind him, but he was like...nooooo wayyyy lady, I'm on my way home, where it's warm, I can curl up in my favourite place on the sofa, and maybe I can get someone to give me a treat and then put one of those really fluffy blankets over me that they keep over the back of the sofas!!
Then, just as I thought I needed to call for help, it happened...around the corner comes this really tall man, with two huge dogs on leads, Ralph literally skids to a stop, turns around and starts legging it back towards me, he runs between my legs and sits behind me, which is his sign for, please could I have my lead on because I don't feel safe! ....SAFE, you little bugger!!! So, I calmly put him on his lead, and have a little chat with the tall man and his soppy soft dogs, and home we marched.
Ralph was so happy to be home, he ran around all the rooms checking everything was where he left it, and then curled up on the sofa all comfy, but he kept his eye on me for the rest of the day just in case I decided to take him out again at some point.
Lucky for Ralphie, I had to go food shopping. Daughter number two said she would take me, so off we set....Saturday afternoon shopping in Tesco.....WHAT could possibly go wrong????
We turn into the carpark, and it's rammed, the only parking that was fairly empty was disabled parking...where was my blue badge??? Still sitting on my kitchen table....so we drive round and round until we find a space, by which time it was starting to get dark, we had to park at the end of the carpark, but that meant I had to navigate the moving cars and people in the carpark.
Never mind, Daughter is on hand to assist....so we get a trolley, wait for the lights above the door to go green and off we go.....only, someone somewhere probably sat behind a big fat desk, has decided that Tesco needs a refurb.....literally NOTHING was where it usually is, there were people leaning over people to get to produce, it was complete carnage. At first it was ok, the daughter and I took our time and wondered around trying to avoid getting to close to other people.
I thought I was doing soooo well, then it the delightful black cloud of anxiety and panic started to envelope me, it came from nowhere, I couldn't stop it and I couldn't find a safe place, I wanted to curl up and cry. Fighting the tears back, the daughter springs into action, leaving me wedged in between the bread counter and a seasonal free standing table thingy, she grabs the shopping list from me and runs around finishing the last few bits of shopping. I'm standing there trying to calm my breathing with burning hot tears streaming down my face, I can't see the other customers but I know they're looking at me, but I don't care, I just want to die! And I'm not joking, I just wanted the black to envelope me, and I could wake up in a different place, that place would be at home, in my bedroom, tucked up in bed, nice and safe.
But I was still standing in the middle of Tesco, sobbing like a baby. Daughter then marches me and the trolley full of shopping to the scan as you go checkout, we pay and before I know it, I'm safely sitting in the car, still trying desperately to calm my breathing, all the drive home I'm still sobbing, it just won't stop, the minute I saw my other half, the flood gates really opened and I ended up snotting all over his jumper, tears of relief to be home, and tears of annoyance that this had happened out of nowhere.
It took me a very long glass of wine and a nice smelling candle before I calmed down completely, and then I was exhausted, totally drained of any more emotion.
Why did this happen again? I've not had a panic attack for months and months, this was big. I'm scared about how I will manage when lock down is over and Covid is under control, how long will it take me to readjust to normality. This is going to mean starting from the beginning, right back to learning to go out on my own again, learning coping mechanisms, using my cane. I've had a lot of time to think about this today, on my long walk this morning , I remembered to put Ralph's big coat on him and fill my pockets with treats.....but, in my mind I think I've straightened things out, I know I'm going to have to start all over, on the positive side I've done it before so I can do it again. It's frustrating, but lots of people will be in the same boat, I just hope they have the strength to start over, it's so scary, I feel like I've been hit by a bus today, but I think if I know there a problem I can deal with it, not knowing there's a problem, becomes a problem.
Tomorrow is a new day, again, I count myself lucky to have so many people around me who will help and support me, so many people who love me. So, although I felt like I took one hundred steps backwards yesterday, today I took five hundred steps forward.
Speak soon my friends, stay safe xx
