The start of the end

Hello!  

I feel like many many months have passed, and so very very much has happened that I don't really know where to start!

I realize that this blog overlaps from the previous one I wrote, but to explain how crazy things have been I need to start from the beginning.

I've been thinking for a few weeks about starting to write again, my whole situation has changed, and I have also changed, the person I was has been chased away by the happenings of the last year or so, and I need to try and find myself again.

When I wrote last I was working full time at Tesco, enjoying the hustle and bustle of working in a express store, supporting my colleagues, feeling like I was important, needed, making some kind of difference to the environment I was working in.

I was organized, in control, confident, proud, busy!

Juggling working, running a home, being a good mum and partner and giving Ralph as much attention as time would allow.

Then, in September last year, I started to feel a bit odd, I felt tired, I began to struggle keeping up with my routines, and at home I had started to withdraw from my family, I didn't have time to visit my mum, I didn't have time to make contact with my sister's, at home I literally went to work, came home, made dinner and went to bed, then did it all again the next day.

I am fully aware that most people in the world are doing just that, but something was changing, something was wrong.

So, classic me, I ignored it! But everyday it was there, growing bigger in my mind, I needed help.

Tesco started changing things, upgrading their systems, changing routines, cutting back on staff, but putting pressure on to cover other people's jobs, keep up with training, cleaning, talking larger deliveries etc.

For a company in these times, that's exactly what  you'd expect to happen, cut backs are expected and changes to reduce time wasting is how companies keep up with the changing ways customers shop.

But, for me, it was overwhelming, and I started to struggle to cope. It was frustrating, why couldn't I keep up? why wasn't my brain working quick enough?

I thought maybe I needed to change a few things, I was definitely struggling with the late shifts, working until 11pm sometimes four shifts out of five, was exhausting, I was struggling with the evening routines, some evenings I might have three hundred new price labels to scan and put out, this would take me twice as long as my sighted colleagues, as I'd struggle to read the smaller labels and the tiny screen on the PDA.

Then there was counting and shutting down the scratch cards, shutting down the lottery, and resetting the tills, this all needs to be accurate, I can't be accurate, my sight doesn't do accurate! Then we have to keep on top of shoplifters, all the cleaning, working stock as well as serving the customers quickly and efficiency. 

My contact lenses would make my eyes sore where I had been wearing them too long, my balance would start to go, shutting up the shop in the dark just felt too dangerous.

So, I spoke to my manager, and he agreed that it was a good idea to work less late shifts, I no longer had to struggle counting the store safe and record all the info on the company PC. I had noticed that I was finding it much harder to tell the difference between the different coins, and checking people's ID was impossible!

As the months ticked by, things did get a little easier, but the feeling that something was wrong still made an alarm bell ring in my little brain. Christmas came, and I got swept in with the chaos it brings to a shop, but I had noticed I was finding it hard to concentrate, I constantly had a head ache, there was no joy in life anymore, I'd trip over more, knock and bump into things, I really had to push myself to get going everyday.

In December I'd convinced myself that there was something wrong with my contact lenses, so I took myself off to get them looked at.....nope, nothing wrong with them, apparently it's my eyes and I need a referral back to Moorfields. 

Referral sent, I carried on trying to cope. Early January and our managers seat got a new bum on it, only, suddenly I was back on the late shifts, counting the safe and dealing with situations that made me feel afraid and vulnerable, so, I put my head down and got on with managing the growing pressure's handed down the line!

Mid January and my referral came through, I had an appointment for early February, off we plod into London on a freezing cold morning to see my consultant....errrr, Lynda, just tell me exactly what you expect to happen?......well, I just want to rule out any problems with my eyes cause I've not been feeling right!......yes, BUT, you have been told to expect that your sight will get worse, and although the tests show the condition of the tiny hole you have at the back your good eye is stable, you have indeed lost more sight, therefore you need to make changes in your lifestyle to accommodate this, ok?

Okay dokey, so I go home, rest for a day, go back to work and totally ignore the conversation with the consultant.

I thought, as I have done so many times before, that my brain would adapt to my new level of sight, and somehow I'd get better, only I hadn't counted on the fact that it just didn't happen, but on top of everything else, this dark, lonely, desperate feeling was starting in my stomach and starting to grow through my whole body!

Epiphany

 Hey everyone, 

I'm not going to bother explaining to you where I've been for the last few months, it's very boring, as I've been absolutely nowhere!

However, I have had a big ass epiphany, and I have come to realize that I've been trying to be someone that I'm not! I've been trying so hard that I've become exhausted!

A couple of days ago while I was at work struggling to be a sighted person, I became aware that I couldn't put stock out on the shelves without knocking something else off the shelf, dropping stuff or, when I was trying to straighten up the stock on the shelves I made it look much worse, I got so frustrated with myself, angry because I am so clumsy and stupid, why can't I even restock a shelf properly???

In that moment, standing in front of the chiller, looking at the cream cakes that should be all stacked in a nice straight line and instead looked like I'd thrown them on the shelf from the other end of the else, I hated myself. I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right, why am I always making mistakes?...I hate myself and my life...my mood became low, lower than it's ever been before.

Literally, what's the point? There's no way out, no way forward, why can't I keep up with everyone else? 

I can't afford to give up work, I want to hide, there's no way out, except one way, the only way I can find peace from all this hate for myself, all this pain, all this uselessness! The only way is to remove myself completely.

But how? How can I do this without hurting other people, how can what seems like a simple solution to how wretched I feel be so bloody difficult?

Now, today, looking back, I realize that this has been building up for a long time, a long string of events have lead to me deciding that I can't stay in this world anymore, right back from the cage full of booze landing on me from the back of a lorry, COVID, and working all through it, and not catching it once and feeling guilty for not catching it, war and innocent people being killed, then stupid things pilled on top like, my flood light in the back garden that sight concern fitted for me is broken, so I asked them if they could come out and fix it, but nope.....Do it yourself...if only it was that easy, it's a sealed unit, I can't see it well enough to do it myself and I don't have a magic person hanging around with a screw driver willing to help me, then there's the parking issue, where to cut a long story short, the council passed a request for my neighbour to turn their front garden into a drive, I applied, and also got passed, until other neighbours objected, so on the day the council came out to measure up, highways sided with the neighbours and retracted the decision, leaving me with a half dug up garden, no where to park my disability car, which then lead to my car being scratched and nails put into the tyres....

But anyway, getting back to the other day, while I was on my shift, I watched myself go through the process of pretending I can see, I have learnt which options to choose on the PDA, for example, the transfer for the milk in the Costa machine, I've got no idea what the options say, I just know I choose the middle option and then the bottom option....and that's how I spend my whole day...guessing, pretending and winging it!

It's exhausting, instead of saying I need help, I can't do this, I've stubbornly battled on like my sight isn't really a problem, I'm pretending to be a sighted person.

The moment I realized what I'd been doing, I suddenly felt calm, I can't keep up with sighted people, I can't work the same way, I have allowed my life to be come so stressful that I can't see a way forward, I go to work, come home and go to sleep, that's all, last week I couldn't even be bothered to eat.

I rang the doctors to try and get help for my very low mood, and the fact that I just couldn't help myself to feel better, but was told that there were no appointments for days, I might possibly get a telephone appointment by the end of the week but only if I phone on the day at 8am!

This kind of tipped me over the edge, I sat on a stool at work and cried, big fat shoulder jerking sobs, snorting noises, snot flowing, the whole broken picture.

I felt like I needed to talk to someone, but it had gone to far, somewhere along the line, I had missed the window that says, ok, you've been feeling a bit low, but now you need to get some help, it had gone too far and the thought of actually talking this through with someone seemed more overwhelming than some of the actual problems. So, who do I speak to? Who do I contact? Where do I go for help?...I don't want to talk, I don't want to speak to someone at RNIB helpline, I don't want to talk to my family or colleagues, I just want to stop, my brain is empty, my emotions are empty, I need to stop.

So, when I got home from work, I had a bath, sat on the sofa with my dog and watched day turn into evening, thinking I shouId try to get help, I picked up my tablet and emailed the only person who came into my mind, my ECLO at Luton and Dunstable hospital, it was getting late in the afternoon, so I didn't expect a reply, but one came, almost immediately, it felt like someone had lit a small tiny flame in my dead cold fire, he said he was glad I had contacted him, and he would call me tomorrow.

The following morning I got a call, during our conversation that small tiny flame turned into a roaring fire, as I was reminded that there is always help, there is always someone to talk too, and there is always a way forward.

Trying to keep up with regular life had enveloped me and I had forgotten who I am and how far I have come.

Blindness is creeping in on me and I've been ignoring it instead of enjoying and treasuring what sight I have.

No one can ever claim to know what someone else is feeling, our pains and emotions are unique to us, sometimes though, things happen for a reason, and although we think we are totally on our own, we aren't. I hadn't realized how many people had actually noticed I was struggling, and each one of these people had tried to reach out to me in their own way, I just couldn't see it at the time, being void of emotions is terrifying, but the feelings we have are ours, we own them and only we can change them.

So, the following day when I was back at work and the delivery arrived, I didn't pretend that I was a sighted person, I told the driver I needed help, I explained that I couldn't see the numbers on the cages or complete the paperwork without help, he was fantastic, he didn't do it himself, he showed me where to press on the tablet to check in the cages, he was so kind that I didn't feel useless, slow or incapable, he made me feel like a regular lady whose eyes don't work properly. Simple.

when I started at Tesco, I loved the role so much, I had more sight then, but as my sight has got worse I have been desperately trying to continue as I was, but it's becoming harder and I'm so stressful and anxious all the time. I need to change my life as my sight changes, not the other way round, I understand that I need to stop fighting it, I just wish I didn't always have to figure out this stuff the hard way!

I am going to meet my ECLO in a week to talk though all this and make changes where I (we) can, this depression I feel hasn't magically disappeared, but I do see a way forward, and I am so so grateful for all the people around me who tried to help. Thank you xx