Challenges

 On one of my visits to see Dr Attias, my GP, (who has now sadly for me, retired) he described the process of emotions I was experiencing as similar to grief, the ups and downs were incredible, days when I was so happy with confidence and a hope for the future I could burst followed by a day when I was beside myself with sadness and gloom, these times were the hardest to control, and I can imagine I wasn't the easiest person to live with so when I had started to get myself back together and had began the 'Acceptance' part of the journey I decided I needed a challenge or two, so with the help of my now ex partner, his best friend and his very lovely, kind and gentle wife, we decided we would climb Mount Snowdon! A route was chosen, we booked a B&B, I was armed with my white cane and a comfortable pair of boots and away we went! When we left Bedfordshire it was pouring with rain, by the time we had reached wales the sun was shinning! We started at Rhyd Ddu, the guide says.... This is one of the easiest and the least used routes.  It starts at the site of the South Snowdon Station of the Welsh Highland Railway.  The path is easy to follow and climbs gradually to the summit.  The going gets harder as you near the summit and the last section is along a steep narrow path with sheer drops below.......so, the path gradually climbs! my goodness the first bit I was using my stick to pull myself up! but it was truly exhilarating, we each went at our own pace, the men ahead messing about and us ladies pretending we weren't even breaking a sweat! As we got further up the mountain the weather got warmer, and there were some spectacular views, apparently!..Then as we neared the summit, the path literally disappeared and there was this narrow rocky 'path' with rocks one side and nothing, and I mean NOTHING the other, just a very very long way down, my ex was in front and I held his jacket, I put my stick away because if I tripped over it I was going to fall a long way, and the bestie was behind holding onto the top of my rucksack. thinking back, if I had slipped all three of us would have gone down the side of that mountain. The last bit before it levels out at the top we were completely on our hands and knees climbing over rocks. When I stood up, I brushed myself down and got out my stick and made my way to the sun dial thingy where everyone was having their photographs taken. To reach the top is a fantastic feeling, a whole muddle of wonderful emotions. In the building there were some official looking fellas, who we had a chat with and they were very impressed with my ability to climb that path, when we told them we were thinking about descending on the Pyg track, they told me I wasn't as they didn't think it would be safe for me....Stupid men, I wanted to  and did argue, but they won and we made our way back down the Ranger path, it was a bit longer but a really lovely walk. I think it took about seven hours to go up and down, and I only tripped over a couple of times. The next day I felt only slightly stiff, and we even managed a little walk along the river and to the statue of GELERT.
A few months later I began to get restless again and two of my most favourite ladies suggested we walk the Midnight walk in Luton for Keech. Again armed with the stick,the same comfy pair of boots, and two of the most wonderful ladies in all the land, we stomped around Luton from Midnight, I cant remember exactly but it took a couple of hours to walk 10 miles, again we met some fantastic people, and the whole atmosphere was amazing, my friends helped me all the way, as it was dark, they remembered to tell me where kerbs were and weren't, without them I couldn't have done it, by the end of the walk, the noise my stick was making on the path was driving me mad, but it was well worth every step, not only had I achieved another goal but I had supported a excellent charity with sponsors.
Since then I have completed other charity walks, conquered a climbing wall and at the moment I am teaching myself how to swim!
All these things not only get me out and are good for my mental health but I have met some lovely people, I have a small team of swimming friends who look out for me on a Wednesday morning when I am at the pool, I am eternally grateful for all the opportunities and experiences I have and forever grateful to the people who help me achieve them even if some of those people are no longer able to be part of my life.

My Glasses

As I've mentioned before, my glasses are my life line second only to my contact lenses, the lenses are as thick as milk bottle bottoms, and are about 20 years old, I used to go to an opticians in Biggleswade, and saw a man called Mr Loveday, they made me a pair of glasses in a sturdy Rodenstock frame. Now a days I cant really see much out of them as the prescription hasn't been changed since I bought them, although Specsavers in Hitchin did try, but my brain wouldn't make the adjustment, as they cost me £700, I tried to persevere with them for about a week but it just wasn't happening, luckily, Specsavers took them back and refunded the money, they were in ore of my old glasses and the Optician at Specsavers said he had never seen such a well made pair of glasses in such a high prescription. When my  eldest daughter was two years old (she will be 18 soon), she managed to snap them in half, they were repaired and I hadn't had any problems for years....THEN last February we brought a Puppy....little sod, ran off with them and chewed the plastic off of the end of the arm, after a lot of chasing  the little bugger around the house, I managed to retrieve them. The thought of taking them to be repaired was just a bit too embarrassing so I have just been careful when I put them on as not to stab myself with the sharp bit of metal sticking out of the plastic.
So, let me set the scene, Friday after a exhausting day at work, I get home, cook tea, do the ironing, change the bed sheets, hoover and dust, all the time I have a little warm happy feeling because I know that soon I will be getting into my clean bed in my tidy bedroom....sadly, I was excited, not everyone's Friday night I suppose! there I am, all bathed, clean PJ's, I climb into bed, take out my contact lenses and put on my glasses, I lay back on my pillows, long large satisfied sigh, and PLOP, my glasses and one arm are on my lap and the other arm is still behind my ear, I then spent the next two hours trying to balance the bloody things on my face so I could play candy crush until I fell asleep!
Saturday morning finds me on the bus going to Bedford to get my glasses repaired, Mum in tow!
We find Specsavers, and its heaving with people, this young lad ambles over and asks if I need help, I make him promise not to laugh at my glasses and showed them to him, he takes them off to a little machine, within about 20 seconds most of the staff are gathered around the machine, and Mum says, they keep looking at you! When I looked over I could see the usual questions were about to start, so I gave my biggest smile, and said, YES they are mine, Yes there are fantastic and YES they are very old. The lad smiled back and said 'you have a amazing prescription, how do you manage'....oh man I hate that, NOT managing is NOT an option. Mum tenses beside me and waits for me to blow, the lad sees Mums face and says...'I'll just clean them for you and file off this sharp end', then I notice I am the centre of attention, all the customers are looking at me and everyone seems to have stopped, the lad brings my fixed and clean glasses over to me and I ask him how much I owe, ...'oh, my goodness, nothing, you owe nothing, I took my glasses and my mum and ran for my life, how embarrassing!

How I lost my stick!

I was talking to a lovely lady today whom I have known for many years, but don't see very often, she is a fiery chick but a loveable fiery chick! She was asking me how I was getting along with my white cane. The cane can be a heavenly gift but also a right pain in the backside, if I am somewhere that I haven't been before, I use it, it sometimes stops people bumping into me, it sometimes gets me a seat on a packed train, it mostly stops me from tripping over, falling down curbs or walking into things. on the other hand, it makes me a target for people who think they can pinch your handbag, or people who try to help you when you are managing quite well on your own (recently, I was getting off the train at Woodbridge in Suffolk, there is quite a big gap between the carriage and the platform, I had my girls with me and my stick was doing its thing, then all of a sudden I feel two large hands under my armpits and this massive bloke literally lifts me off the train and plops me onto the platform, grins at me and says 'awwite luv'...my girls and I just stood there, mouths open and watch this fella strut away, you could almost hear him thinking 'there, that's me good deed done for the day!' while I know if I could have looked in a mirror, Mums WTF face would be staring back at me), the cane is also no good it you have more than one shopping bag, Mum tried to get me to use one of those shopping trollies, but I got street cred to maintain you know so I made sure the thing made its way back to Mums house!
Anyway, my first white cane was provided for me by Bedfordshire sight concern (thank you very much), and has travelled with me for miles and miles, it has been strapped to the back of a motorbike when I was taken to Devon for the weekend on my 40th birthday, it came with me on our adventure to Scotland on the train, its been everywhere I have been.
Then one day, my daughters Grandmother gave me £20 to spend on the girls, I thought, I could stick it in my purse and buy extra chocolate when I next go shopping, or I could buy something they really wanted, SO, after much deliberation, my eldest found some tickets for £10 each to go and see a lovely group of lads called ROOM94, they were playing in London on a Sunday evening, so in my very simple mind, I thought I could get them there on the train and tube, hang out in a little bar and wait for them to be done then bring them home....OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO, things are NEVER that easy, I buy said tickets over the internet, no probs, plan route, the bloody tube station we need is shut, never mind get off at the one before and walk to the venue, drop girls off and find a bar.....this is where things got messy, as the Boyfriend tells me there is 'NO BLOODY WAY YOU ARE HANGING AROUND LONDON ON YOUR OWN'.....mmmmm, no bugger tells ME what to do! His reasoning was, he would be unable to come with me due to work, what if I got lost how was I going to find my way back, what happens if you cant find the girls, bla bla bla, and so it went on until I find myself buying a ticket to go see a band I never even heard of!
So, the Sunday arrives, and I am so pleased that we managed to get there, queue and get into the venue without any troubles at all, the girls disappear into the crowd of girls and go to do their moshing thingy, and I stand at the back of the room with two other parents, I felt a bit silly with my stick and there were lots of wires so I folded it up and tucked it under the bar, planted my feet, and told myself I was not going to move until the gig had finished. One of the parents disappears and leaves me with someone's Dad, who was frankly pissed out of his brain, and thought that because I carry a white stick, it must make me deaf as well, as he kept getting right in my face and screaming questions at me. The first set comes on, does their thing, and leaves the stage. I have no idea what they look like as the stage is too far for me to see it, next thing, a group of lads is standing beside me, I have a little chat, and they move on, then a different group, so I chat to them too, then this little lad named Robbie Coles is there, so I have a little chat with him too. Unbeknown to me, all these young men are band members. At the end of the evening, I am saying goodbye to my new friends and my girls are horrified that I have been a groupie with out knowing it! So one daughter either side of me they march me out of the venue, through the rush at the tube and onto a train at kings cross, where I sit to catch my breath.......where is my stick? still under the bar at the venue!

Red Chairs

Anyway, back on track, I was going to talk about how I managed to get a seat on the red chairs!
like I said, I get a lot of discomfort and because I need to make sure I get back to the hospital within a certain amount of time if the retina behind my eye tears I was extra sensitive I suppose in the beginning. I had to learn to know the difference between doing too much and feeling awful to knowing when something is really wrong. One time I woke up with my 'bad' eye stuck closed and nasty stabbing pains behind it, I got up, had a wash and tried to put contact lenses in, but I couldn't even get my eye open enough to get my contact lenses in. I sat about for a bit, but somewhere deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew I needed to be at the hospital, so I rang the number the hospital gave me, and got the reply I always get when they pull up my notes.....come in immediately. I put the phone down...big sigh, and then phone my Mum, who is always like a supersonic woman, and is dressed for a trip to London with hair immaculate, and is at my house within half an hour all ready to face the world....I however wanted to stick a paper bag over my head and go to the train station in my fluffy PJ's, socks and slippers. But, I go get dressed and follow Mum around to the train station, even when I was small, if there was anything wrong with me it was 'because you don't drink enough' or 'because you never drink hot drinks'....'why don't you try herbal tea?'...because its bloody disgusting, that's why, today was no different, she marches ahead of me banging on about the fact that if I drank more everything would be just fine and dandy!
When we get to A&E the staff nurse takes one look at me and we are sent straight through to a little room on our own, Mum and I sat there looking at each other for what felt like ages, and for a change we didn't seem to be moving about, we started to worry that we had been forgotten just as I was called to be examined. Usually we are sitting right in the middle of all the hustle and bustle and we do, well Mum does, a lot of people watching. This time I was marched past where everyone else was sitting and past the examination areas, past the red chairs, and up a little corridor, as we pass the red chairs Mum says, 'look, there still isn't anyone sitting on the red chairs'.....we get in the little very clean examination room, and the Dr pops on a pair of gloves and lifts my eye lid, shines a light into the eye and then pronounces that i have viral conjunctivitis......you are highly infectious....GO SIT ON THE RED CHAIRS!!!!!
Mum thought this was hilarious and wouldn't sit on the red chairs with me, she sat across the room on the, wait for it...GREY CHAIRS and proceeded to make faces and laugh at me, it was funny, and I suspect we got on the 'oldies' nerves with our messing about, eventually the nurse comes back with a bag full of goodies (well, medicine) and a warning not to put my contact lenses in while I was having the drops in my eyes and do not go back to work until it has cleared up! well, that told me, I sat with my arms folded, and my legs out like a teenager that had just had a telling off from the headmaster, Mum stuck her tongue out at me and we stated to laugh, once again Mum guided me home....I wasn't laughing for long though as by the end of the week I had managed to spread the infection to the other eye and both my girls were off of school with it....but on the bright side at least we know what the red chairs were for.....

What my brain sees

So, going back a bit now, over the years I have ended up in Moorfields A&E more time than I care to think about. I often get a lot of discomfort, when I am tired or have spent too much time where there are bright or flashing lights I get a dull ache in my eye, the hospital say this is unusual as the condition isn't usually accompanied by pain or discomfort, if I am very stressed out it can be so painful all I can do is lay in a dark room until I fall asleep. I think I have said before, I also cant do anything that might upset my balance, things like fairground rides, rooms filled with small people moving around at speed or simply scrolling up or down on the computer too quickly can set me off, my brain cannot cope with things moving too quickly and the strain of trying to focus gives me a head and eye ache, which then upsets my balance. When I was learning about this condition and losing my sight, I had a meeting with a very nice man named Rob, he told me that when people lose their sight, the brain searches for images that they recognise, so you might be looking at something, you cant see clearly what it is, so your brain races through millions of images of things that it MIGHT be and can produce something that isn't there, he said that people have been known to go to the doctors because they think they are hallucinating, so I shouldn't be surprised if this happens. I have noticed that my brain is very quick, I still do a lot of guess work, I find it so hard to explain how I know things are there or that thing say what they say, even when I cant see them I just know, ok, sometimes I am proved wrong, like at work the other day, I just assumed the person who was walking through the door was a person who works on our computers, but it wasn't him, just someone my brain recognised as him, I have also noticed that if I meet someone new, I see them everywhere, I don't really, but my brain does. it is constantly trying to remember what the person looks like so I know them next time, this means my brain homes in on anyone who has a similar figure, walks the same way or even if they smell the same.
we have a few new members of staff at school, I know I need to remember them (for a million different reasons, as working in a special needs school means that sometimes we have to move quickly so recognising people is very important), but today, Saturday, my girls and I went to Stevenage, I kept seeing these people everywhere, I know its not the people I know, and it drives me crackers, in the end my girls and I turned it into a game and we ended up in stitches....ah crap I just realised I was going to blog about red chairs, I seem to have got distracted!!! :)

The fruit and veg isle!

My goodness life has been so busy, I haven't had time to add to the blog for what feels like weeks! I have had some really positive feedback from lots of people, which is so lovely, encouraging and helps to boost my confidence.
This weekend, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I found myself having to pack up and spend the weekend in one of the most beautiful parts of our country, Woodbridge, Suffolk. My daughter and I travelled by train, it was so relaxing, no rushing, no pushing or feeling the need to keep up with the rat race. We stayed with our friends, who are always fantastic company, they live in a beautiful house, and Woodbridge is so picturesque, we went for a long walk along the river, and Friday night we all went for a meal in Ipswich, no problems what so ever, I hadn't felt I needed to use my stick at all, as I am very familiar with my surrounding I was very confident, I even drank, 2, yes 2 glasses of wine....something I never do. I had a good nights sleep and Saturday morning we took my friends dog for a long walk, then mid morning we thought we would pop into the local 24hour Tesco............then it all changed, I like to have a trolley when I am in a supermarket because it gives me a boundary, people tend to move out the way of a trolley, but they tend to bump into people and it doesn't seem to bother them, if I am struck by a human it sends my head spinning, so I try to avoid them!! But this particular time we didn't use a trolley, this meant I was, well, sort of naked! We didn't need much, my friend went off to get some meat and my daughter and I went to get some veg, I stood at the top of the isle and started to feel that little feeling in the pit of my stomach and my brain started screaming, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE, so what do I do?
I effing well panicked that's what I did, I instantly send my daughter down the isle looking for mushrooms and peppers, because I didn't want her to see me having a full blown panic attack, but this very stupidly meant I was standing on my own in the middle of Tesco with all these people trying to move around me, some small child was screaming, a woman was on the phone, telling someone on the other end to put the washing out, there was a Tesco employee collecting shopping for home delivery, all these noises were swamping me, people were whizzing round me and I could feel myself  literally loosing my balance. I know my breathing has changed and I know I have to find something soild to push my back against, but, if you know Tesco, when you get near the fruit and veg isle, there is often a big gap between isles, next thing my friend appears at my side, takes one look at me and leaps into action, I remember her saying something about getting me out of there, but I was too far gone, I needed to be standing with my back against something, now I am starting to worry about where my daughter is and if I move well she find us, my friend helped me through the stream of people to the end of a isle that had cardboard boxes stacked up, I leant on them and waited for my breating to return to normal, my daughter found us with no problems , and I felt better once we were moving away from the crowd. But I had this ball of anxiety in my stomach that wouldn't go away, we paid for the shopping and left the shop, but it took me several hours to calm down properly. I start to eat and I mean, really pigging out, I wanted to get rid of the feeling and in my mind if I ate the right thing it would go away, but of course this is crap because it only goes away when you are totally removed from the situation and are completely calm.
I will NEVER fail to be utterly pissed off with myself or get over the feeling of failure every time I have a panic attack, maybe that's really why I was eating, like a punishment for making myself look an utter twat right in the middle of Tesco. It just goes to show that every time you think you are in control, you're not, and these attacks come out of nowhere, I can fully understand why people who have them regularly do not like going out, do not put themselves in vulnerable situations, it would be very easy for me to hide from them and try to protect myself, and I am not saying that other people are weaker than me, just that these attacks don't, thankfully, come along that often, they really do, however, come from absolutely nowhere and some people can't cope with the unpredictability of that, seems to me there needs to be more awareness of these things, because i cant control mine and i really want someone to tell me how to cope better....please