Wednesday

Hello everybody! Well, what a bitch of a week its been, although when I look around at other peoples shattered lives and their ability to pull them selves together and get on with it, I do feel slightly ashamed of myself.
Its been a year since my last check up at the opticians, so I made an appointment to go visit them on Wednesday, really thinking about it, I had noticed a few months ago that my sight had changed, but in classic Lynda style, I had ignored the signs, but they had been niggling at the back of my mind, and I hadn't been sleeping well and was becoming proper grouchy. So, anyway, Wednesday is my day off, and they day starts in the usual fashion, me getting up at 6.30, and spending a hour screaming at the girls to get ready  for school, my eldest needs to be out of the door by 7.30 and the youngest by 7.45, my youngest, the dog and I go out of the door at 7.50, god only knows how she manages to catch the school bus!
I walk the dog to help my sister muck out her Horses, rush back, jump in the bath, do a bit of tidying up, make a few cup cakes as a mate was popping in and ring Mum. She wasn't in the best of moods, so I tell her I am off to the opticians, appointment is at 12, but I will be catching the 10.45 bus into Hitchin if she fancied a trip...she did not fancy a trip, because the bus and I sailed past her bus stop and there was no sign of her green coat anywhere! Crap, I am on my own, I feel the little panicky thing well up in my tummy, but I repress it (I am getting well good at re pressing things) and start to think practically....I have a little shopping list, I will wonder around and do that first, then opticians, THEN...I will pop across the road to Café Nero and have a coke and maybe a cake!
It didn't quite go to plan! Shopping was all good, took me a while to find what I needed in the card shop as Valentines day seems to have overtaken the world and obviously no one has birthdays or wedding anniversaries in Feb! I used to go to a small local opticians, but found that, I dunno, with my prescription and difficulties, I found them to be a bit out of date, I know it sounds selfish, but I have to make sure the person sitting opposite me staring onto my eyes, knows exactly what they are talking about, so I changed to Specsavers, in my head, because they are such a big company, their knowledge and information would be more up to date.
So, contact lens check up first, a lovely lady who I haven't seen before, How long do you wear your contact lenses a day....ohhhhh, I put then in at about 8am and take them out about 7.30pm....(is that the ground opening up in front of me? Because I am about to fall right in it..they go in at 6.30am and most nights don't come out before 11pm)...I have my fingers crossed tightly and she says, oh lovely, they are in very good condition and they fit well on your eye, I don't think we need to change them...YIPEE she then 'just popping some dye in your eyes and then we'll check all is ok'....once the dye is in she pushes a massive machine up to my nose, I rest me chin on the place where you rest your chin! and she starts doing the..look left, look up, look towards my ear....hellooooo I cant see your bloody ear love, its dark and I have no contact lenses in! Anyway, she looks at the right eye first, which I hardly have any sight in, and says despite everything, the tissues look healthy...all good, I let a little smile spread across my face, left eye next, I do the eye aerobics again...silence, she sits back and changes her magnifier light thingy and looks again, more silence, she then wheels herself on her wheelie chair back to her computer, silence, all I can hear is the computer mouse clicking, she wheels back, silence as she looks again, I HATE silence, JUST BLOODY TELL ME...well, it seems there is a build up of floaters in your left eye, which wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have such massive ones in your right eye blocking the little vision you have left. Bloody great, if I am honest I had noticed them, but I thought they were like everyone gets and they come and go, but it seems they are persistent little buggers and are there all the time.
So, she starts to tidy up and suggests that as I am going for a sight test next, I leave my contact lenses out and she will help me get to the room where this is performed, fine by me, she then says....I hope you don't mind me saying, but for someone whose sight is so bad you are very well maintained...what did she think I was gonna be like? Did she think that because I cant see too good I was gonna be going out without putting on lippy,having greasy unwashed hair and a ridiculous sense of fashion??? Nooooo my friends, this is not me, my partner and I have this agreement that if my sight is ever bad enough that I am unable to chose my own clothes, he will never ever let me go out looking ship wreaked...and luckily he has very good taste!
I then got the usual conversation,...how dooo you manage? One of the most hated questions ever, and have decided not to answer it any more, for fear of saying...How the Eff do you think?..So after a lot of fussing, which is number 2 on my hate list, we go to a different little room, where, with a different youngish lady, I have my sight test. I have met this lady before, and the out come was that I can see a line less that this time last year, for regular sighted people this is not really a problem but for me and others like me this spells disaster.
Obviously I knew it had got worse, but I was hoping that maybe, I was imagining it, I put my contact lenses in while she wrote a letter of referral for Moorfields and for the first time I could see the look of concern and sympathy on her face (sympathy being number 3 on the hate list) and I was frightened. The very first time over all I have been through, it all suddenly felt very real, in my head I though the most sight I would loose would be in my bad eye and I would manage with the other, suddenly, someone was telling me that this was not the case and I felt my whole world come crashing down around my feet. I stood outside Specsavers looking at the Café, tears burning down my cheeks, wishing I had a little button to zap me home! I turned toward the bus stop and cried big fat tears all the way to catch the bus, bumping into people, tripping over my shopping and getting tutted at. I phoned my sister from the bus after I had regained my composure, told her what had happened and that I had a letter to drop off at the doctors, so I got off the bus when it reached my Mums house and my sister took me to the Doctors, all I wanted was to go home and feel sorry for myself, but the sister had other plans and off we went into Letchworth where we did a little shopping then very craftily she dropped me home when she knew my girls and partner would be home. I was all over the place, one minute I was in floods of tears the next getting on with tea! throughout the evening I started to get messages from my friends which were really supportive, and gradually the grey cloud started to lift and I began to feel positive again. There were so many questions, what can the hospital do? when will my days go dark? Should I give up work? If there is one thing I have learnt over the years its, whatever the problem, never ever make rash decisions, go to bed, tomorrow is another day, when the crying is all done I knew I would be thinking more clearly as I have just said to my friend, life kicks you in the teeth sometimes, but its about what happens when you are down, if you are as lucky as me, you have some wonderful and supportive people around it easy to get back up, not everyone is as lucky as me x

Lumiere night

Well, I don't suppose this weekend will be half as glitzy as last weekend, just thinking about it exhausts me! My bestie suggested we went to see the Lumiere Festival in London, in fairness to my old mate, she did offer me the choice of a couple of nights as the festival is on from Thursday until Sunday, me, in my wisdom, thought Saturday night would be the best option, dam fool I am, I have never seen so many people crammed into one place in all my life, and considering the scale of the festival, that meant there were literally thousands of people all wondering around looking at maps and cramming to see the exhibits. So, my girls, my bestie, her hubby and I all trundled into London on the 5.24pm train, lovely, we all got a seat, no probs. I think somewhere in the back on my tiny dusty brain, a little light must have pinged on, because even though I knew I would be with people who I know will look out for me, I put my white cane in the bottom of my ruck sack, one of the best moves I have made so far this year! We met my mates daughter and her lovely fella at Kings cross and made our way on the tube to Bond Street. I truly have never seen so many people crammed into a tube in all my life, seriously nose to nose with strangers, luckily no one seemed to have eaten garlic or spent the afternoon down the pub, although, I was starting to feel one of those dreaded panic attacks coming on, my partner introduced me to listening to music when I feel like that, so I signalled to my daughter that I needed her iPod and earphones, she passed me the iPod through the crowd but the earphone got left behind so she threw them over everyone's head and one of the little ear things hit me right in the eye knocking out my contact lenses, don't ask how, I honestly believe that someone somewhere was looking out for me because it landed on my bottom eye lash, I could feel it resting on the skin just below the lash, I put my hand up to catch it, knowing I would be totally buggered if I lost it on the tube, my hand got caught in my scarf which then hit me in the face, at this point, I knew it had gone, so with my free hand I tugged on my mates husbands arm and began to explain, but guess what? when I sorted myself out, turns out the scarf had knocked it back into my eye so all was good.
I dunno, maybe I am getting old, but people just seem so much more less tolerant of each other these days, people were trying to push their way onto a already over crowded tube before letting others get off, and at one point we had to hold hands to stop us getting separated. I suppose its a bit sad really that people haven't got time to look around themselves and consider others, I even saw a few new mothers and fathers with tiny new born babies wrapped up in their buggies, being propelled along at 11.30pm, in the freezing snow filled night, what are they thinking? Take the baby home, it doesn't give a shit about the pretty coloured lights, it wants to be warm and safe in its familiar surroundings, babies aren't a fashion accessory or a tool that you can use to push yourself forward in the crowd in order to get to the front to get the best view, however that said, I did get my stick out, and although I thought I would just use it while I was in the darkest parts of the walk I ended up using it all night. Most people got out of my way, or let me pass in front of them, a few tutted and tried to step over me, but I just hit their ankles...no, I really did!
We walked to Mayfair and saw some amazing displays, my daughter took all the photo's that evening, so the photo's I have on my blog have been stolen from her blog! (lifewithalicimo) The photo below is the first artists work we saw, Sanctuary, bird boxes, they were on top of a building and they even had sound effects, it was strange to hear birds singing in the dark!.....

Then we walked to a park, don't ask me where it was, I don't think I had much idea where I was all night, it was really hard to concentrate on where I was walking, steer myself through the crowds and keep my bearings, so I gave up and just followed the boss and her husband! The next two photos were taken in the park, the first one was called spinning night in living colour, it illuminated the night with all the brilliant bright colours, the second was called brothers and sisters, which was one of my favourites, I felt like I could look at it for ages.

I think from there we walked to Piccadilly,  the following photos were taken at points between Piccadilly and getting back on the tube at Charing cross, the first one is a little lane off of Carnaby street, the next one is called Shaida walking (and she was walking) the next one was called Piccadilly and had loads of pictures projected onto the side of a magnificent building.

The next three are called Les Lumineoles, they were fantastic, especially when they were moving and changing colours

Next two are Les Voyageurs, they were actually quite disturbing as they were perched on top of buildings. We didn't get photo of Keyframes, but on the side of a building made up of lights, there was this stick man running up and down the building, then he started jumping on a trampoline, when he fell off everyone gasped, it was really funny, people were getting right into it and it was really very clever, after a few minutes, another stick man appeared and they began chasing each other, it was a bit like when Jeremy Kyle is on TV, you know you should be moving on, but you just cant take your eyes off it! In fact it was wayyyyy better than any TV I've seen in a while.

Then we went to Trafalgar Square, I only remember seeing Plastic Island, which was exactly what you'd think it might be, loads of people were standing there staring at it waiting for something amazing to happen, but nope, it was a load of plastic bottles in a fountain!

Back at Kings Cross it had started to snow, so we didn't get the camera out anymore, but we saw Light Graffiti, which shone on everyone, and the snow as they walked past, Joining The Dots, which was very cleverly lit on the side of a building and lastly The Circus of Light which again was projected onto the side of a building, and told a circus story, I could have watched it forever, but my girls didn't like it and by then were ready for home. I don't think we have ever been on a outing into London and have not had to run for the train, so in traditional fashion we had to leg it for the train, there weren't many seats, although there was a lady whose handbag had clearly paid for a ticket on the seat beside her and she wasn't gonna move that bag for no one. we all got home safely and once again had a fantastic and memorable night thanks to my bossy best mate, who I thank from the bottom of my heart.

Sunday we get up to snow, as you know, if you have read my previous weather blog, snow and I don't get along, but I get the dog ready and stomp down the village to help my sister muck our her horses, then in my wisdom I decide to walk the dog over the fields as it was his first proper snow,

I dunno why that photo has moved to the side of the page, and I cant move it back!! Anyway, it has taken me all week to get over last weekend and here we are about to start another one!!! x

Saturday Morning

Well, here we sit on a wet and cold Saturday morning, we have no heating or hot water, so while we are waiting for a man to come and save the day, what else is there to do.....errr blog! Firstly I wanted to tell you about Thursday night, I went out for a meal with a very good friend of mine, we haven't had a proper catch up in a while and although we see each other every day at work, we never get time to sit and put the world to rights. Anyway, she decided she would like to Georges Hall in Biggleswade, this was the venue for our staff Christmas do which got cancelled so, I wasn't really feeling it, because as I mentioned in my 'Christmas Do' blog, I had been told it was poorly lit and there were several flights of stairs to get to it....well, there were stairs up to the venue, but they were what I would call safe stairs, well lit, wide so there was no one bumping into anyone else, I suppose they are what you might call purpose built! The pub was very..... brown, the floor and tables were all brown and although it is a very large room, the lighting wasn't very good. luckily it wasn't very busy and we got a nice table by the window looking down onto the street. The staff were lovely and friendly, but when I asked if they had a large print menu, the waiter type man laughed and said 'noooo, I have trouble reading it too' and put his glasses on!! The menu was also brown with a pattern behind the words which made it really hard to read, good job my mate doesn't mind reading out loud! The food however, was lovely and the company was even better. so, out of the two restaurants we've been to in the last two weeks, its a thumbs up for Wagamamas  and a thumbs down for Georges Hall.
Anyway, a few people have been telling me that I should be adding photographs to my blogs, well I realise that its probably too late to add them to the blogs I have already posted, especially those on Tsu, so I thought I would do a little blog of photos related to past blogs......

These three photo's should have been attached to my 'Challenges' blog, the top one was walking, climbing ,tripping and laughing all the way to the top of Snowdon with a old friend, the other two are me and the climbing wall, which was fun but scary.

This photo should have been with

'My Bike' blog, I don't seem to have any photos of me on my old bike, but this was one of the very few times we got out on the tandem, which I sold this summer.

This was the sky one morning when I was out on the familiar route dog walk, the sky changes so quickly, it was a very beautiful thing so see, I like to look at this photo, it makes me feel sort of calm.

These were from London Christmas lights and Carnaby Street, something I will definitely be taking my girls along to see next year....well, my fingers and toes are freezing so I am off to move around the house to warm up, lets hope the 'fix it man' will be hear soon x

Whatever the weather

Well, first couple of days back to work after the Christmas holidays, and I am exhausted and feel like we've not even had a break, as much as I love working with Children with special needs, getting out of bed in the mornings has proved more difficult! I get up at 6.30am and get myself ready, then I wake my two teenage girls up and try to get them motivated, by then its getting on for 7.15, so I take Ralph out for a walk while everyone else is busy applying make-up. Before the break, which was two weeks ago, it was dark when I took him out, now we've got this dreadful semi dark, not really light thing going on, when it was dark, I knew I couldn't take him out as its not really safe for me to be trying to walk about in the dark, even when I am sticking to the familiar route, but now, its a shall I shan't I situation. I cant use the stick when walking the dog, can you imagine the scene? me trying to swipe my stick along the path and finding the kerb edges, with a puppy constantly chasing the stick, trying to catch it and give it a good chew like its some sort of tasty snack! This got me thinking about the weather and how it affects different people, for me there is only one sort of 'weather' that I am completely comfortable with, of course I am talking sight related, as naturally my favourite weather is sunny and hot, but sunny is no good for me, bright weather causes lots of problems, and when I say bright, I don't just mean sun, there's fog and snow too. Fog has a strange affect on my sight and does something odd to the way I feel too, we've had quite a few foggy days over the last few months, obviously you cant see when its foggy, but for me everything seems to slow down, noises are distorted and I often cant figure out which direction noises are coming from, this makes crossing the road tricky, then there are the 'missing' noises, birds don't seem to sing when its foggy. Then there's the dripping! moisture drips off of everything, making tapping noises when there shouldn't be tapping noises! Foggy days make me feel low, I just cant move as quickly as I want to.
Snow, I have always really loved snow, when I was little I used to dream about snow, when I was pregnant with my first daughter we had a heavy snow in early January, when I woke up and looked out of the window I was delighted, on went the wellies and woolly hat, along with as many layers of clothes I could fit over my enormous belly and I was off out the front door, ignoring the phone ringing as I new it would be my Mum screaming down the line...LYNDA! DONT YOU DARE GO OUT IN THIS BLOODY SNOW, THE BABY IS DUE NEXT WEEK!!!.....me smiling to myself and mentally waving...seeee yaaa as I stomped through the snow, I wasn't out long, and she still told me off when I got back! and as it happened Alice was nearly three weeks late and the daffodils were popping up by then! Snow isn't my friend anymore, snow blindness is so real, it literally hurts my eyes so much, I've got no where to look, every where is bright white! again, I cant use my stick and guessing where the pavement ends and the road starts isn't as much fun as it was when I was 5! The best weather for me is slightly sunny but overcast days, not white summer clouds but slightly dull maybe its going to rain clouds, spring is probably the best season, you get some perfect days late April, summer is too bright, I spend all summer with sun glasses on, Autumn brings low bright sun and leafs (or leaves) all over the place (although Autumn is the most beautiful I think), and winter, well, its just winter, dull and gloomy, with a whole bag of different weathers chucked in, frost, winter sun, dark days, shorter days, heavy fog, snow. I am not very comfortable being out in the dark on my own, the dark seems to wrap itself around me and try's to suffocate me these days, it is truly terrifying (and I hate that word) being out in the dark on my own, its something I don't like to admit too but I am happy not to go out in the dark, I sometimes wonder if I am making it into a big problem for the future, you know, if I have to go out in a emergency or something, but I don't know how to explain to you what it is like out in the dark when your eyes don't work properly, all your other senses are scrambling to adjust and make sense of the environment which is familiar but entirely different. Last year,(or was it the year before?)  the girls and I went to stay with our friends in Woodbridge, we went out in the evening for a ladies night, after our meal we drove to the beach at Felixstowe, it was dark when we got there, my friend took my arm and we walked slowly along the sea front, I couldn't see a bloody thing, but the sounds and smells were fantastic and I hadn't felt so elated in a long time, as we walked along there was a part of the beach where no dogs were aloud and it was clean, we walked to the sea, and before I knew it I found myself running in the dark on the beach, god only knows how I didn't end up on my arse, but it was amazing fun and probably some thing that if I could see properly I would never have done! I remember my whole body tingling with adrenalin, one of my very best memories (so thank you for that ladies xx).
Now all I can think about is running and hearing the sea splashing on the sand, seagulls and the salty seaweedy smell and the amusements in the distance, what was I talking about? oh yeah, weather!
So the weather is one of the reasons I don't go out in the playground at school, that and the fact that when there is a play ground full of youngsters on bikes flying around, I'm afraid my brain doesn't register them quickly enough for me to get out of the way!! The weather is also the reason I get a Taxi to and from work, running up and down the bridge steps at the station was getting more dangerous, and the final straw came when it was so sunny that I missed a step and very ungracefully landed on a commuter....but that's all another story, for another day!

Happy New Year

Morning everyone! After spending New years eve cosy at home with my girls, a takeaway and SPY on DVD (which is a brilliantly hilarious film I might add), I have woken up this morning feeling refreshed and ready to rumble, that lasted until about 11.15am and I am now back in bed, reflecting over the last year. I want to say a very big THANK YOU to everyone who is reading or following diary of a blind lady, I never imagined anyone would be that interested in the things I have to say, and it was only ever meant really for a way for me to download my thoughts and work through some of the things that have happened over the years, I don't know about you but, sometimes, we get on with life and we don't always realise the things we do, go through or the things we take for granted, I am definitely not one for always looking back but sometimes if you don't deal with the things which are floating around in your head there is no way of moving forward, this year I am determined to move forward. I have always hated going into a new year, and have always found myself filling new years day with as much as I could to take my mind off of the worries of the coming year, this year, however, I feel completely different, I am relaxed and have a warm cosy feeling in my stomach, this might have something to do with the fact that I have just got out of a hot bubble bath, put on my fluffy dressing gown and have got back under my duvet, but I definitely feel more detached from the usual emotions!
Maybe, I am starting to learn how to deal with change better, yesterday, for example, I went into Hitchin on the bus with Mum to do some banking and get a few bits, Santander was the usual long queue, polite staff, happy days. Barclays, however, had changed! Usually this brings pure panic, like the bottom falls out of my stomach and I want to run for cover, this time I pushed open the heavy wooden door to find nothing in its usual place, I stood there for a few seconds, taking in the changes, Mum marches off and sits on a lovely blue comfy chair, clearly she has been in since things have changed. There are no more counters and humans have been replaced with computers, the only counter with a human attached to it had a long queue, so I joined it, knowing I wouldn't have a hope in hell of operating a computer. After about 5 minutes, Mum gets up, comes over and whispers in my ear...Lynda, you do know you are in the queue for international and business banking....YEAH OF COURSE I BLOODY DO....what a twat! So I casually swaggered over to the dam computers and tried to peep at what everyone else was doing without looking like I was trying to steal their bank details!! Then a very young lady who is employed by Barclays comes over and asks if I need help, my peeping must have raised suspicion! So I explained my situation and the fact that unfortunately I am gonna need help, she then says..Ahhhhh bless you!!which instantly makes me want to ask her if she would like a smack in the mouth! She then talks me through the whole procedure, you put your card in here, your number goes in here, the cash goes in here, you verify it here and your receipt comes out here...all the time she keeps rubbing my arm like I am some sort of lost puppy! She then asks if I need any more help...NOOOOOOO THANK YOU! and reassures me that there will always be a member of staff to assist me with the dreaded machines..why cant they just have bloody people sitting behind bloody counters that you can chat to and exchange pleasentries as you get your banking done??? Anyway the point I should have been trying to make was that, the experience and emotions I was having were not my usual way for thinking when things have changed, and I was doing really well, until she said Ahhhh, bless you! I didn't trip, stumble or fall, panic, want to run away or cry and this I hope is the way forward, stop thinking about the image I portray, people stereotype and that's their problem not mine, I am registered blind, but I will not act accordingly, I will still dress super sexy, I will still get my hair and make up done by my favourite lady at Scissors in Baldock, I will be doing what I want to do when I want to do it, so watch out 2016 I am back.....Happy New Year everyone xx