Change isnt so bad.....

Hello folks, its been a crazily busy two weeks back at work after half term. Its scary how quickly time fly's and how easy it is to forget your own place in your life. I feel I need constant reminders to live for today, leave the past alone and stop worrying about the future, because I cant change the things that have already happened and the future will be what it will be, I can contribute to how my future pans out but essentially I believe the more time I spend worrying about the future, I am missing out on what's happening now. So, as the alarm went off at 6am one morning last week, I lay there very still in my bed, the room was starting to fill with light (I cant sleep with the curtains closed) the birds had started singing and I started to wonder what life is all about?! What am I doing? I get up every morning at 6am, when its light enough I walk Ralph, I get back, get myself ready for work and start nagging the girls to get up, tidy the house, think about what to get out of the freezer for tea, the three of us are out of the house by 7.50am, while I am at work, I am continuously running, working with special needs children means that you need to be alert to every situation, things can change very quickly and many of our children are dependant on us to help them with all aspects of their education and hygiene, a average day consists of a lot of teaching and promoting independence, quite a bit of toileting and feeding and a whole lot of spending time with and enjoying the company of some of the most fantastic and interesting children i have ever met, although I love it, its a very draining day. Then I get in the door at about 4.15 and its then a mad rush of walking Ralph, cooking tea, getting packed lunches ready, Ironing, hovering, washing up after tea, encouraging the girls to do homework and listening to them tell me about their day, then baths and hair washes and crash into bed by 10pm, that's before i have done my internet shop or seen to any bills or dealt with any other problematic letters that might have dropped on my door mat....so, once again...What am I doing? I wonder if everyone gets to a certain point in their lives and thinks...I just cant go on like this, something has to change...for me, I am finding that the world is rushing around me but I am getting slower! I have started to learn that because my sight is so poor, I need to pay more attention to the things I am doing, therefore these things take me longer, if I don't want to iron my fingers when I am doing the ironing, I have to do it slower...everything has become slower, crossing the road, using a knife or cooking, reading and writing has got really bad, I am struggling to write coherently in the children's books at school, or to read simple directions about what the children are doing in their lessons, this has unsettled me so much that I am finding myself pretending or guessing! I have noticed that my hearing has stepped up a notch, this is also draining as I seem unable to block out all this tiny noises that others might not notice, above all the noise in the classroom one day this week, all I could hear was the squeak of someone writing on the white board with one of those smelly pens. So, back to me lying in the bed, something is going to give, I believe in self preservation so, lets think, I had already had my meeting with my boss the week before, my man from Action of Blind had travelled miles to attend the meeting that my boss was 15 minutes late for, to cut a long story short, the school would not be offering me an alternative role within the school, I was able to reduce my hours but realistically I should be planning to move on, oh and the fact that I find work so exhausting is my fault because I am a perfectionist. Nothing to do with the fact of course that we all have a duty of care to the children and working as a team means pulling your weight. so, with my nose put completely out of joint I left the meeting feeling abit, err..insignificant and rejected I suppose. But, lying there I realised that reducing my hours is not the end of my world, no one is going to die! and actually working just Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays might suit me quite nicely, in fact I suddenly started to look forward to it, I admit that fanatically it might be a bit of a struggle, but if I am careful it should all be good. So after the Easter holidays I go down from four days a week to three, giving me more time to get things like housework done, sorting through paperwork that has accumulated and now is spewing out of the draws, AND AND the spring is coming...I can be out in the garden, take Ralph for long walks, and instead of the mad rush in the evenings things should be more relaxed, and maybe, just maybe I can get some quality of life back, Sometimes all we need is to tweak our lives a little, I don't want to give up work completely just yet, not only for the social aspects but also for discipline, making me get out of bed and follow the routine of thousands of others going off to work, my job gives me something else to focus my mind on, and of course,  you get a pay cheque at the end of the month. I know the time will come when I simply cannot do the job I do safely anymore, and when that time comes I will face it and deal with it with grace and dignity like a big girl...unless I win the lottery before then, I expect my attitude will be a whole different thing!!