PTS

I thought it would be easier to talk to you about PTS in a different blog to the one I just posted as people tend to get bored if there is too much to read.
This is the book the doctor recommended that I should buy, I am pretty sure it was £10 from amazon and worth every penny.

The only down side to this book is that it is in small print, and so it has taken me ages to work my way though it, you are not supposed to read it at night but that's the best time for me as when my contact lenses are out I can hold the book close to my face and read with my glasses on, this gives me a bit of a head ache, but its best to read this book in small sections as you really need to digest the information.

It starts by telling you what PTS is, when I read this first chapter I found I spent most of my time says ohhhh that's me! and yep, I do that!

Its very reassuring to know that what I feel is not normal, does that make sense?

there is a section on understanding you families reactions, which I found really interesting.

It then goes on to tell you about all the things that come along with PTS, like panic attacks and anxiety. Both of which fill me with frustration because I cant control them, I now understand that you are not supposed to control them, you learn how to deal with them appropriately, safely and in a manner that is comfortable for me.

The book encourages you to open it and read from different chapters, and not to read it from cover to cover. Which I found really strange, but some how it works!

My counsellor had already talked about trying yoga and meditation, and I scoffed at the thought, but seriously, TRY IT!!

My daughters and I tried the yoga and meditation on the wii, just for a laugh really, but my goodness, I don't have very good balance because of my sight, but the exercises we did on the floor where great. My girls were crap at meditation, but I found it amazing. I know it was only sort of trying it out at home, but it made a big difference. I slept so well that night. and it is true, yoga makes you fart!

It also encourages you to, spend a little time alone, sitting quietly and thinking about where you are in the world, every time you mind wanders to the past or tries to race forward to the pile of ironing that needs doing, you have to bring your mind back to where you are, listen to the birds singing, enjoy the smells (except from after you have done yoga) that are around you. Relax and think about positive things.

Positivity is a massive thing in this whole cognitive therapy thing, and all the while I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I haven't got, I have missed the things I have got.

Then, I got a little muddled, so I read a chapter on how to face up to these traumas. So, you have to write about the trauma, you sit for 45 mins to an hour, and write, when the time is up you stop and go and do something nice. To start, which is always the hardest thing to do, you talk about exactly what happened before the trauma, every single detail, every smell, thought, action, everything, then you do the same for during the trauma and then the same for after. It took me ages to write about the events that happened when I was17.

I was shocked at myself, all these emotions came pouring out, parts of the trauma I never shared with anyone. It felt very bad but very good all at the same time. I began grieving for the time that had been taken from me, for the trust and love in people I have lost.

When I read the whole thing back to myself, which is 7 pages long, I cried and cried, crying from relief, acceptance and the knowledge that I am able to move this thing forward.

During the last counselling session, Dawn had told me I should find someone I trust to talk to, someone who will listen and help me battle on, in my usual typical bull in a china shop fashion, I leant straight on the person I find I trust the most.

This was the wrong choice, not only has this person got her own troubles, but I was confusing our friendship and in danger of changing the fun and relaxed relationship we have for something that is a burden. I realise that this person, her husband and where they are in the world is my secret escape, my place to hide, the place where I can be myself, if I take and share the PTS that place and my relationship with these people becomes something else, does that make sense?

So, I gave what I had written down to the person I should be trusting the most, the person who I should have the most affection and love for, secondary to my children of course.

I then went back to the book and read a section on how trauma can be contagious, the person I was going to give what I had written to would have carried the information around with her for the rest of her life, weighing down on the load she already carries, the person I actually gave it to will see it as understanding why I do the things I do, why I find it hard to trust and love, and I know he will love me more for understanding me.

I know this is going to be a long and hard process, but I can do this, I have to do this. I want to look at a photograph of my Dad and remember him digging the garden or yelling at me to find a pencil, not to have the images in my head of him slipping away with my Mum beside him begging him not to go. This needs to stop, its been 19 years since we lost Dad, and over 20 years since the other thing , I don't want to forget these traumas, I want to learn how to train my brain to think differently, to accept that they played a part and learn to live with them. If cognitive therapy can help with this, and I believe it can, then i am jumping in with both feet.

I will keep you all up to date with my progress, but for now I am off to do some packing as my daughter and I will be making our way to my 'secret escape' first thing Monday morning! :) xx 

Last counselling e-mail

Another beautiful morning, before I tell you about the significant thing that has happened I want to share my very first home grown courgette with you....

There, I am so proud! I sliced it and roasted it last night with new potatoes, carrots, butternut squash, onion, garlic and chilli. It was lovely, then I had my friends home grown rhubarb cooked up with a little sweetener and a little dollop of ice-cream. Just yummy.

There is a connection, which I didn't realise at the time I started growing vegetables that I didn't link to what I am going to tell you today, but subconsciously I must have already been looking for a way to push myself forward.

My last counselling session ended a few weeks ago, and in the last few sessions I had began to talk about some of the things that have happened to me in my life, I found myself talking about things that I had sort of disconnected myself with. I can quite openly talk to someone about it but I don't believe it really happened to me.

Some of these things I cannot share with you as my children and my family read my blog. As I talked to my counsellor about these things, I was very factual, I explained that there have been two very significant periods of time in my life which I think about every day, the first one happened when I was 17, and even though I have detached myself from it, it has been a moulded me into the person I am today, this is the person I no longer want to be, I want to stop thinking about it every time I walk past certain parts of the village where I live, I want to stop having these flash backs whenever I hear a similar voice or smell a smell as I did all those years ago. The second big thing was loosing my Dad.

Dad had a heart attack on Sunday 9th Feb, 1997. I was there, and I tried to help him. I have re lived that day every day in the 19 years he has been gone.

I remember every word spoken, every smell, every single movement of that day.

I still see his face that morning and I can still feel his skin on my finger tips.

I am trapped in a world of memories that I need to lay to rest. Various other things have happened along the way as they do to everyone, other relatives have passed on, the hardest of which was my Grandad, Dads dad, as he and Dad looked very alike, mind you that's where their likeness stopped as their mannerisms were completely different.  

The relationship with my children's father broke down and ended and of course the sight loss.

I am not here to give my ex a slagging off, but even to his own admission, he is not the listening kind of bloke, he was always one to go off on his own to think if something awful had happened, leaving me to deal with the kids and my own emotions, which I always managed to tuck away and ignore.

As I have told you before, I work with children with severe special needs, over the 13 years I have worked there, 3 of those children have passed away, you build a bond and a trust with these children, and to loose a child that you spend hours a week with, teaching them how to use the loo, or write their name, of even looking for the smallest glint of recognition in their eyes, is heart breaking, but we have to disconnect ourselves with this, its not our job to grieve along side the parents and their families, but silently we do.

Anyway, I down loaded all this onto my counsellor, and I found it hard to relate her replies to me! Its really hard to explain, but I have spent so many years detaching, that I have become emotionless and empty. I cannot love, trust or look forward to anything. I am not miserable because I have learnt to put on a brave face.

But she was so kind and she made me stop and think, forcing me to reconnect myself. In one email, she had said that my pervious email had moved her to tears, so I re read it and couldn't see where I might have caused this to happen.

In her last email, she mentioned that maybe I am suffering from something called post traumatic stress, I was a little confused as I thought that this was something that happens to solders who see some terrible things happen. I was clearly very ignorant about this. After a visit to my GP who after listening to a brief summery of my life events agreed that I do have PTS.

I knew nothing about PTS at all, and she offered three options, 1, more counselling, to be honest, I know what the problems are, I want to learn how to move on and not keep going over the same ground.

2, antidepressants, no thank you! How am I supposed to know when I feel better if its being masked by a pill? Also, not long after Dad passed away I was prescribed some, but they made me so sick, and I am a real baby when it comes to being sick!

3, cognitive therapy. Now this is where my life has started to change. I have taken this option and I am waiting for a date to start.

My doctor recommended a book to buy and read while I am waiting for a date, and after reading it, I understand that

thisis where my courgette comes in, its about finding yourself and noticing where you are in the world. Nurturing and learning to love again. x

BLEPHARITIS!

Morning everyone!
I am struggling to fit everything in at the moment with it being the end of the summer term, with just a week to go at school and so many things to pack in, its been had to find time to sit and blog! Last Thursday was a particularly challenging day. Remember I told you I had a Doctors appointment at 7.30am? I left the house at 7, and walked to the surgery, leaving Ralph behind crying in his crate because he thought he should be walking with me as per our usual routine! Anyway, I got there about 7.15, but it was all shut up, I was desperate to be back home for at least 7.45 as my youngest daughter needed to be at the school bus stop for 7.50, and she, as most of the school kids, is finding it harder and harder to get up and get going.
I sat outside on the bench for 5 minutes and waited for the doors to be unlocked, Richard, who is the practice manager let me in at just gone 20 past, and I was in with the Doc by 25 past.
I gave him the chat about knowing what was wrong and what I needed but if I contact the hospital, I know they will tell me to go in.
There are several different types of Blepharitis, mostly its to do with inflammation of the eye lid margins, this can be combined with blocked meibomian glands, these glands open onto the edges of the lids and produce a oil which is an important component of the tears.
Doc goes through my notes and finds a letter from the hospital saying they had treated me for Blepharitis, but hadn't said which medicine they had prescribed to treat it. This seemed to confuse the Doc and after a lot of deliberation, he wrote me a prescription for Hypromellose, as the script printed off we discussed another issue that was bothering me, so he decided I needed some blood tests, the phlebotomist was all booked up for today, but the Doc jumped up and went for a chat with her, he returned all smiley saying she would see me now if I could just sit outside for a moment, I could feel the familiar tightness in my chest building up, Christ sake man, don't you know I have a grumpy teenager at home who needs to get  her backside out of bed!
Just as I am standing to go wait for blood tests, he says, oh, and by the way you cannot wear your contact lenses while your Blepharitis is being treated......BAM, your joking me right? without my contact lenses I cannot function normally, I cant go to work, cook a meal, I have bloody parents evening tonight!
Well, would you like me to sign you off work?.....no, I bloody well wouldn't, we have a week left, and the kids and staff I work with now, I may not be working with next year, I don't want to be signed off.....Cant you find a drug that I can use with my contact lenses in? The medicine I had from the hospital when I had it before, gave me something that I could use with my lenses.....well, he says...you find out what it was called and I will write you a prescription for it.....shit man, I hope I am gonna get a cut of your wages today!
Blood tests done, I was racing, and I mean racing up the village at 7.45, tripping over the pavement, sweat pouring off me, I could feel the heat off of my face so I knew it was all red and blotchy, as I got nearer my home, which is about a mile away from the Doctors surgery, I could see all the kids at the bus stop, there in the middle of them is my beautiful daughter, no doubt hair and make up pristine, she was too far away for me to see her, but I could hear that laugh that makes my heart ping and makes me smile too.
To cut a very long story short, I decided that if I walked the Ralph over the fields, by the time I got around the loop that I usually do, the chemist in the village will be open so I will pick up my medicine. My eldest daughter and my sister, with her dog, walked with me, we did our usual chatting as we walked and before we new it we must have walked four miles, so headed back to the village and to the chemist.

1st prescription of eye drops in a bottle, which I think makes the risk of infection higher when you are continually using the same bottle near the eyes.

Oh, back track a bit, when I had got back from the Docs, I had contacted the hospital and a friend who uses the same drops as the ones the hospital had prescribed before, to get its name. As we are walking back up the village a couple of text come through on my phone from the hospital and my friend giving the name of the medicine. So as I walked past the Doctors on the way home, I nipped in and gave the receptionist the name, thinking she would just take it and get the Doc to write a prescription I started to leave, the Doctor comes out of his office just as I am at the door, and points at me declaring that he was just about to ring me, come into his office.
He is happy to write me a new prescription but he is not happy for me to be wearing my contact lenses. so, I smile, stand up, take my second prescription of the day and say ok then, thank you very much, and leave before he got chance to get that white pad out with the form on that says you are not fit for work!
Outside my daughter and the dog are waiting for me, the thought of walking all the way back to the chemist and then all the way home again just made me want to cry. so, plan B, we walk home, I get on the next bus into Hitchin, get my medicine and some new contact lenses solution from Boots, nip to M&S buy ready meals for tea as there was going to be no way to fit any real cooking into this day.
We get in at 11.30, I had a quick drink and changed my shoes then caught the 11.45 bus into town. The next bus back was the 1.10 and I knew I couldn't miss it because I had to get ready and get over to the school as my first appointment for parents eve was 3.15.
Boots, quite frankly was shit, they didn't have my medicine or contact lenses solution, so I ran up to a little independent chemist, who were fantastic and had everything I needed, while they were doing whatever it is that they do at the chemist, I ran to Marks and got the meals, ran back to the chemist and grabbed the medicine, literally getting to the bust stop as the bus drew up.
I am making this sound all so very easy, but the amount of times I bumped to people or tripped up along the way is too many to mention.

2nd prescription, easier and safer to use I think. The little top naps off and you turn it round and then it fits back on like a lid, so if you are maybe someone who has to put drops in every hour, you could use the little vile twice and throw away, making risk of infection less.

Happy to be sitting down, I started to relax on the bus ride home, just as we are coming into the village a poor lady sitting at the front of the bus has a seizure, I never moved so fast, the poor woman hit the bus floor so hard I was worried she had broken something. Anyway by the time all the drama had been sorted the bus was running half an hour late, which meant I didn't get home until 2pm.
My sister was picking me up at 2.45 to take me over to the school, so I stuffed my face with about 20 dry crackers and leaped into the shower, washed, dried hair and was ready just as my sister pulled up in front of my house.
A fantastic parents evening (or afternoon), I am one very proud Mummy!
My partner picked us up and dropped us home, they all cooked the ready meals while I did the ironing, 6.30pm I walked down to weight watchers, I lost another 11/2 pound.
Just as I was thinking my legs wouldn't carry me any longer, my bestie offers me a lift home, and just as I was accepting, daughter number one decides she wants to go looking for Pokémon, whatever they are!
So I continue walking up the village to meet her and her phone to zap these pokewhatsits.
Luckily her phone froze so we weren't out long, but I can assure you, Friday morning my youngest daughter and I both struggled to get out of bed!
Anyway, I have been using the drops at the beginning and end of the day and still wearing my contact in-between. I also discovered this thing, its like a eye mask, you heat it in the microwave for 30 seconds and then sit with it on they eyes for 10 mins. (No contact lenses though!) but it really works, I can feel the thick buttery oils which are blocking the ducts sort of melt and run down my face. Its a great thing, it cost me £15ish from Amazon, I wish I had got one sooner as it works better than the drops and is easier for me to do myself as when my contact lenses are out I cant see my face let alone put drops in AND you even have a excuse for sitting with your feet up for 10 minutes!

Nifty eye mask comes in its own case for hygiene and to store it safely, its reusable.

Its fab, I am very pleased with it x

Busy Day

Hey! Well I've got so much to tell you I don't really know where to start. Its 7.32pm, and its been pouring with rain here since about 3pm, there's been a few rumbles of thunder and I am bored, so I have brought myself to bed. I am currently sat in the middle of my double bed with all my pillows puffed up behind me, the bedroom window is open as its so warm, the rain is thundering on the conservatory roof under my bedroom window, but the lovely fresh rain smell is calming, pleasant and sort of relaxing somehow. The beauties of living alone, you can hit the sack whenever you like and there's no one to moan about it, even if its a bit lonely.
I have successfully managed to do it again, and those who know me will be slapping the palms of their hands on their foreheads! I have yet again managed to ignore the warning signs that something is wrong, and although its not really a major thing, its very irritating. The question is what do I do about it? I have noticed for a few days, well actually about, well just over a week that my eyes are becoming very sore, to start with they were just a little itchy. I put it down to hay fever, which I know is crap because I don't get hay fever! But anyway, they have become increasingly drier, until today I had to take my contact lenses out about 10 times this afternoon, to wet them, I have now taken my lenses out and am somehow typing with my glasses on. Every time I blink it is like someone is scrapping sandpaper over my eye balls. I know its only dry eye, and as I think I have told you before, I already have a problem with blocked tear ducts. I have several options, one, I phone the hospital for advice, but as soon as the nurse on duty pulls up my notes they will tell me to go straight in, and I don't fancy a trip up to London, waiting for who knows how long, for them to give me a diagnosis I can make myself and then pack me off with some drops. however, at least I would know that the drops I get are indeed the drops I need. (and don't forget its still raining)
Two, Make a appointment with my GP.
Three, think of something really really sad so I start to cry thus relieving some of the dryness temporally.
I went with option two, although there isn't a available appointment until Thursday morning (today is Tuesday) which is a bit pants but I don't suppose there is much I can do about it. Tomorrow I will have to keep dashing off to the loo at work to remove and clean my contact lenses. I keep trying to think of really sad things to get some sort of moisture going, you know when you are going to cry, you get that little prickling feeling in the corner of your eyes, well I got that, but there ent no tears falling!
I have had some progress today, I had a visit from a lady called Penny, who is a community somethingorother about helping me with some lighting at the front and back of my house. She was a very lovely woman, very chatty and helpful. She filled in some forms, and then had a look around, she said she felt that they could definitely help me by putting security lighting out the rear of my house to help me get to the end of the garden and to the bins with out tripping over or stepping in dog poo. That's the thing with having a small dog, his poo's are only little and I often miss them when I am clearing up after him.
She also said she would be happy to recommend that they improved the lighting at the front of my house with either security lighting again or a light that I can switch on from the outside. I am super pleased with this as it will help me out so much during the winter and if I ever decide to venture out at night I will be able to see to get the key in the lock!
When we sat back down she asked me if there was anything else she could help me with, so I showed her my dreadful kitchen lights, its fair to say she was stunned that I manage so well in the kitchen considering the lighting is so crap, so she added kitchen lights on her list of jobs to do!
I wanted to give her a little hug, and although she said the down lights will probably be replaced with strip lights, as she says, a little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing. I am looking forward to the electrician coming out!

I have a little strip lighting under the cupboards but as you can see it barely reaches the worktop.

This part of the kitchen is in front of the window, the lighting is still rubbish, I was advised to move the kettle nearer the window as its the lightest place in the kitchen.

I have eight down lights in the kitchen, we used to have quite a high wattage in each bulb, but they got very hot and my ex worked out that by changing the bulbs to a lower wattage, we would save money, this is all great but the wattage just isn't strong enough as my sight gets worse. So I tried to change them myself, bad idea as the plastic inside that holds the bulb in has corroded and fallen to bits, so I have a attractive light fitting hanging form the ceiling!

I've still got loads to tell you, but my eyes are so sore, I am going to try to sleep. Speak soon x

Specsavers

Sorry its been a while everyone, but I've just had no enthusiasm for writing, and if I am honest, I thought about stopping.  Its Nearly a year since I started Diary of a blind lady, and over 8 thousand people have read my blog, from all over the world! So, I thank you all, because its the inspiration that comes from the volume of known and unknown readers that have got me going again.
Various things have happened in the two weeks since I last posted, which I will share with you, but I must share our whole Specsavers experience, again, another situation that left me standing with my mouth open and totally speechless (which makes a change).
We use what we consider as our local Specsavers, this is the Hitchin branch, as I don't drive (obviously) its on the bus and train route. My daughter and my partner had a appointment each one day last week, he needed new glasses and my daughter has worn glasses for years and had been trying contact lenses. oh wait, let me take you back a bit further, about a month before, my daughter had gone in for her routine yearly eye test, there was a slight change in her vision, she is unusual in that she has one eye long sighted and the other short, sometimes this means that depending on the frame one eye can look more magnified with glasses on, so she asked if she could try contact lenses, no problem but they still needed to change the prescription in her glasses, so would she like to go and chose two new frames. Two because she is still classed as a child (she is 15) and at the moment is covered for her yearly test, and two pairs of glasses, if you were paying they would be buy on pair get the other free....following so far?
We trundle off and go to chose a pair of frames, do you think she could find a pair she liked? NO!
After a very long time, she decided she would like to keep her old frames and have new lenses put in them, all good, she chose a spare frame, which was one she wasn't keen on but they are spare for emergencies right!
Now, I move you forward again to the contact lens appointment, she had been given a trail set of soft lenses, and they had provided two weeks worth of daily's, which means you throw them away each day. She had got on with them really well and was getting quicker at taking them in and out, so we decided to order and buy two boxes at £35, when she is getting low just give them a call and they will order more!
Are you all still with me? By now my daughter has, her old frames with new lenses in, a new 'spare pair' of glasses and one more set of contact lenses with two boxes on order.....perfect. Perfect until the little bugger sits on her glasses and breaks the arm off, this is on a Thursday night, so I calmly stand there looking at giggling daughter, who had been messing around with her older sister and the dog, her glasses had been knocked off her face and she had rolled on them...ohhhh yeah sounds like terrific bloody fun, if they were doing what I had sent them to do, put their laundry away, then this wouldn't have happened, bla, bla, bla.
The plan was that she would wear her last pair of contacts to school, use the spare glasses at home, so no one could see them cos they is ugly!
Guess what? Friday morning, we over sleep, panic as she and I are trying to get in the bathroom at the same time, the dog is crying because he needs to go out for a wee and I had forgotten to make our packed lunches the night before.  In the mayhem she drops one of the contact lenses, do you think we could find the bloody thing? NO. This meant I had a extremely grumpy teenager, storming out of the house, refusing to wear the spare glasses cos everyone will take the piss out of her and me screaming after her as she is running for the bus and I am running with the dog in the other direction that I will try to get them fixed asap!
Friday the daughter spends the day without any form of correcting her vision and then is complaining of a head ache.
What do I do? She wont wear the spare glasses, Specsavers said they would maybe call on Saturday with a date that her contacts will be in, do I risk getting to Monday morning and hope the contacts are there tomorrow? No, I know what I will do, there is a Specsavers in Biggleswade in the town where I work, I will just pop along there after work and get them to fix the arm back on the frame. I am sooooo clever!
I am told by Olga who works for Biggleswade Specsavers, that the frames are unrepairable so she will have to buy new glasses yes?    errr NO! She doesn't like any of the frames at the moment that is why she chose to have new lenses in old frames......yes but these frames have been discontinued....FFS Olga, how can they be discontinued after a year! No bloody wonder glasses are so bloody expensive.
Olga at last started to read my body language and realised that I was getting proper pissed off, so she decides to look for a similar pair....then OHH WAIT, THERE IS ANOTHER PAIR....no shit! Olga gives the identical pair of frames a little dust and says she will simply pop the lenses into the new frames, the frames are £99. Effing marvellous.
Right, just do it before I start to cry! While she is fiddling about she starts to chatter to me about how I should make this particular branch my local, and I should use them instead of going to Hitchin, it will be much easier for me, just pop over tomorrow and she will see my daughter and make sure the new glasses fit properly, she took my daughters details and did some tapping into her computer, made some stupid soothing noises and asked if I wanted to book a appointment, no, no thank you i do not want a appointment, all I wanted was you to fix the arm on my daughters glasses. As I tucked my bank card back into my purse and began to walk out of the shop, something in the back of my head told me I should have asked for the broken frames back as they had disappeared, I stupidly shook it off and went home with a expensive pair of glasses.
Daughter is very happy, on Saturday, we pop into Hitchin on the bus and whilst we are there we nip into Specsavers just to check on the contact lens situation. They were in, would we like to take a seat while they just get them.
While we are sitting there, a woman comes in with this little girl, and over all the noise in the shop for some reason I am instantly tuned into their conversation. The little girls dog had knocked the little girls glasses off of her face and they had been trodden on, the arm had snapped off. The woman behind the till asked what branch she was registered at, when she said 'here', the woman said that there would be no problem and they would see about getting them fixed asap. A very deep sick feeling starts to rise in my stomach, when the staff lady comes over with the new contact lenses, I tell her about the conversation I had over heard and tell her about Biggleswade Specsavers...She pulls a face, ahhhh you see all Specsavers branches are privately owned, they wouldn't have even attempted to fix the glasses because you are registered with us, if you had brought them here we would have sorted something for you, do you have the broken frames? Shit shit shit, no, I left them with Olga.
I truly wanted to lay down in the middle of the shop and have a full on tantrum. The staff member apologises and says she feels that its very bad practice not to have been honest with me, no effing shit! Sadly she says there isn't really anything I can do, I did think about camping outside the Biggleswade branch with a big sign saying CHEATING TWATS, but it was raining, so I swallowed very very hard, pulled my back up straight, head up high and marched out into the pouring rain with my family scurrying behind my waiting for me to blow. I thanked the staff member for getting the contact lenses and for adjusting the new pair of glasses that I had brought from a different store for nothing.
I am sure everyone has moments when the wind is taken right out of their sails, and that weekend it was my turn, that's well naughty of Specsavers, I wont be using Biggleswade branch again and frankly Olga can get stuffed! xx