PTS

I thought it would be easier to talk to you about PTS in a different blog to the one I just posted as people tend to get bored if there is too much to read.
This is the book the doctor recommended that I should buy, I am pretty sure it was £10 from amazon and worth every penny.

The only down side to this book is that it is in small print, and so it has taken me ages to work my way though it, you are not supposed to read it at night but that's the best time for me as when my contact lenses are out I can hold the book close to my face and read with my glasses on, this gives me a bit of a head ache, but its best to read this book in small sections as you really need to digest the information.

It starts by telling you what PTS is, when I read this first chapter I found I spent most of my time says ohhhh that's me! and yep, I do that!

Its very reassuring to know that what I feel is not normal, does that make sense?

there is a section on understanding you families reactions, which I found really interesting.

It then goes on to tell you about all the things that come along with PTS, like panic attacks and anxiety. Both of which fill me with frustration because I cant control them, I now understand that you are not supposed to control them, you learn how to deal with them appropriately, safely and in a manner that is comfortable for me.

The book encourages you to open it and read from different chapters, and not to read it from cover to cover. Which I found really strange, but some how it works!

My counsellor had already talked about trying yoga and meditation, and I scoffed at the thought, but seriously, TRY IT!!

My daughters and I tried the yoga and meditation on the wii, just for a laugh really, but my goodness, I don't have very good balance because of my sight, but the exercises we did on the floor where great. My girls were crap at meditation, but I found it amazing. I know it was only sort of trying it out at home, but it made a big difference. I slept so well that night. and it is true, yoga makes you fart!

It also encourages you to, spend a little time alone, sitting quietly and thinking about where you are in the world, every time you mind wanders to the past or tries to race forward to the pile of ironing that needs doing, you have to bring your mind back to where you are, listen to the birds singing, enjoy the smells (except from after you have done yoga) that are around you. Relax and think about positive things.

Positivity is a massive thing in this whole cognitive therapy thing, and all the while I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I haven't got, I have missed the things I have got.

Then, I got a little muddled, so I read a chapter on how to face up to these traumas. So, you have to write about the trauma, you sit for 45 mins to an hour, and write, when the time is up you stop and go and do something nice. To start, which is always the hardest thing to do, you talk about exactly what happened before the trauma, every single detail, every smell, thought, action, everything, then you do the same for during the trauma and then the same for after. It took me ages to write about the events that happened when I was17.

I was shocked at myself, all these emotions came pouring out, parts of the trauma I never shared with anyone. It felt very bad but very good all at the same time. I began grieving for the time that had been taken from me, for the trust and love in people I have lost.

When I read the whole thing back to myself, which is 7 pages long, I cried and cried, crying from relief, acceptance and the knowledge that I am able to move this thing forward.

During the last counselling session, Dawn had told me I should find someone I trust to talk to, someone who will listen and help me battle on, in my usual typical bull in a china shop fashion, I leant straight on the person I find I trust the most.

This was the wrong choice, not only has this person got her own troubles, but I was confusing our friendship and in danger of changing the fun and relaxed relationship we have for something that is a burden. I realise that this person, her husband and where they are in the world is my secret escape, my place to hide, the place where I can be myself, if I take and share the PTS that place and my relationship with these people becomes something else, does that make sense?

So, I gave what I had written down to the person I should be trusting the most, the person who I should have the most affection and love for, secondary to my children of course.

I then went back to the book and read a section on how trauma can be contagious, the person I was going to give what I had written to would have carried the information around with her for the rest of her life, weighing down on the load she already carries, the person I actually gave it to will see it as understanding why I do the things I do, why I find it hard to trust and love, and I know he will love me more for understanding me.

I know this is going to be a long and hard process, but I can do this, I have to do this. I want to look at a photograph of my Dad and remember him digging the garden or yelling at me to find a pencil, not to have the images in my head of him slipping away with my Mum beside him begging him not to go. This needs to stop, its been 19 years since we lost Dad, and over 20 years since the other thing , I don't want to forget these traumas, I want to learn how to train my brain to think differently, to accept that they played a part and learn to live with them. If cognitive therapy can help with this, and I believe it can, then i am jumping in with both feet.

I will keep you all up to date with my progress, but for now I am off to do some packing as my daughter and I will be making our way to my 'secret escape' first thing Monday morning! :) xx