I started writing this blog yesterday, but I just couldn't settle into it and it just wouldn't read right, so I gave up, deleted it and went to bed, you know they say everything happens for a reason!
Wellll, I had a bit of a epiphany this morning on the journey to work, as you know I have a taxi to transport me and my packed lunch to and from work, we take the same route every time and as we sped along the A1 I gazed out of the window at the usual land marks I recognise, set back from the motorway are some wind turbines, as usual they were there, only they weren't there!!
I hope I can explain myself properly, these turbines are in a field with nothing behind them but ...well,, sky really....
Thanks Google for the photo, I don't think you are allowed to stop on the motorway to take photos!!
Anyway, obviously, this isn't a photo from today as there was a thick fog over the fields and you couldn't see the turbines at all at the time when we passed them, so why could I see them if you couldn't see them??
EDIT, l removed the last photo as it was water marked and I don't want to get in trouble!
once again I was shocked and impressed at the pin sharp accuracy of my memory but also heart wrenchingly saddened at what had just happened.
The fact that I could see the turbines gives me a false knowledge of what I think I can see, so I KNOW the turbines are there and as we approach the part of the journey where they are, my brain searches for the images I have of them and brings them to the front of my brain, so actually I am seeing something that my brain thinks is there, the fact that today I couldn't see them makes no difference, they will always be there, even if they were pulled down my brain would still pull up the image of them, until, there is something else in that place which can produce a new image.
Equally, and more worryingly, my brain can trick me so easily, what happens if my brain brings a image up that is wrong, I am starting to understand why people with sight impairments trip over so often.
For example, there is a long track that I walk Ralph along it has, or did have, loads of pot holes on, big buggers too, they have been there ages and I have never tripped on them because my first remembered image of them is always there, until they were filled in a few weeks ago, every single bloody time a walk along the track I trip over, is that because my brain still thinks there are pot holes there?
Its all a mystery to me, dam complicated one too, the brain is a wonderful, amazing and terrifyingly uncontrollable at times.
The realisation that this is how my brain and memory works everyday is over whelming, and I now understand why pushing myself out of my comfort zone is so hard, change is exhausting and my brain would need to readjust to unfamiliar surroundings, so, I stay safe and keep to my usual routine? Nooooooo bloody way, I push to step out of the warm comfort zone and step my brain up a gear, this year is about changes, some of which have already been put into place, I am very excited about these changes and will share them with you when I am sure its a good time, I don't want to be counting my chickens before they are hatched so to speak.
The other thing I wanted to share with you is my continued utter incapability of managing to get on a train by myself with out having some sort of hick-up.
A very short journey from Biggleswade to Arlesey takes four minutes. I haven't got a ticket so off I trundle to buy one, the ticket office is now shut due to staff illness.
I stand there for a few minutes debating if I should get a passer by to help me with the ticket machine as I canny see it properly to make it work, OR do I get on the train without a ticket?
The passer by helping me sounds like a plan, but I am making myself vulnerable by letting people know I cant see.
So, I walk slowly to the platform feeling like a criminal, even though I have it on good authority that as a blind person I am ok to get on a train without a ticket for good reason. who decides what good reason is though? One persons idea of good reason might not be another's!
Anyway, I take my place on the platform in between a young man with a bicycle and a middle aged fella with a can of beer, when the train rolls in my heart starts to pound, I am going to get fined!!!
The train stops and the doors open, a lady gets off, by my two platform partners walk up the train to get on a different carriage, I shrug my shoulders and get on through the door that the lady got off of. I knew there was something wrong the moment the doors shut and the train started to move.
Silence, the carriage was completely quiet, immaculately clean, little tables, and little napkin things on the head rests......shit, I'm in first class, there was absolutely nothing to tell me I had got on a first class carriage, well, I suppose there might have been but i didn't see it! Now what the hell do I do? by the time I had realised it was first class we were already one minute into the four minute journey, I dare not sit down, so I stood, wobbling around with the sway of the train between the carriages praying a ticket inspector wasn't on the train, the palms of my hand started to sweat, I could never rob a bank, my nerves just wouldn't take it!!
When I looked around there were notices but nothing big enough for me to read, I had images of them saying that you go to prison if you are found traveling first class without a valid ticket, what the hell would they do to someone who hadn't got a ticket at all?????
Those four minutes felt like four hours, I got off at Arlesey and walked as fast as my legs would carry me to get off the platform, had there been someone in the office there I would have gone in and paid my £1.10p for a ticket which I had clutched in my hand that the journey costs.
I do think its bad that there is no signs clear enough for slight impaired passengers to read if they should find themselves traveling alone, but I also feel that I shouldn't shout too loud about it as I am now a criminal for not buying a train ticket and the bloody thing was on time!
Well, if I am not in prison I hope to be able to share some good news with you next time
Speak soon x
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