Evening all....hope you are all well.
This weekend has once again make me realise how limited life can be, it doesn't matter how confident and relentless I appear to be, there are just some things I cant do and some situations I just cant be in!
This doesn't mean I wont try, and maybe this is my problem, I know which things I should avoid but I am my own worst enemy and do it anyway!
Friday I knew I had done too much through the week, the sun had been too bright for me even with sunglasses and the heat was exhausting, but in true form I kept on pushing myself to the limit, so this lead to spending most of Friday asleep.
On Saturday I tried to bounce back, and in my mind I set off for a long walk with Ralph, only to arrive back home half and hour later not even realising that I hadn't walked the route I had wanted to. This should have sent alarm bells ringing...but true to form, it didn't, so I set off on a stupid shopping trip to Hitchin.
The bus journey was a fairly standard affair until we got stuck behind a lorry that was stopped in the middle of the road, a traffic jam soon built up and as I sat there, the bus surrounded by traffic, I felt this little lurch in the pit of my stomach and my legs felt odd! sort of, like I needed to run. I closed my eyes and focused on the conversation two lads were having behind me....I say lads, they were chatting about which beer gave you the less gas!! Men, lads, boys..they all have the same conversations!!
Anyway, it did the trick and the feeling soon went away as did the big lorry and all the traffic.
I got off the bus and wondered up to Sainsbury, it was busy but not heaving, so I wondered in and picked up a basket, I don't think I could have taken 20 steps into the shop when the panic kicked in. I hadn't had a panic attack this bad in months.
It was a lot like something out of a film, the whole shop began to spin, everyone's conversations and every single little noise covered me like a weighted blanket, I knew I had to move but my feet were glued to the floor, I knew the exit was behind me and all I had to do was turn and run, but I just couldn't move. I pushed myself to stand in front of one of the fridges at the front of the shop, but people were bashing into me so I started to move further into the shop, I could feel my breathing changing, getting shallower, I tried to force myself to breathe but I couldn't, I just couldn't breathe normally, then the tears came, just little ones mostly because I knew if I let go completely I was going to pass out.
I was stood in front of the apples now, I don't know how I got there, I needed help, I rang my daughter but I couldn't talk my breathing was so shallow and my lungs seemed to have stopped working, I spoke in whispers, trying not to frighten her but craving the need of a distractive conversation. We talked about what to buy for tea, and with her on the other end of the phone talking me around the shop I managed to get the shopping and get through the till. when I was back outside the shop I stood quietly for a few minutes trying to get some sort of rhythm back in to my breath, but it wasn't coming easy and felt more comfortable to hold my breath for long periods. when I got to the bus stop I sat on the bench and tried to force myself to calm down but I had to fight the urge to hold my breathe and I had developed this crazy need to rock my body back and forth on the bench, maybe it kind of a soothing instinct we naturally have, I dunno, either way I was now fighting two urges!
The minute I parked my backside on the bus seat, the whole thing melted away. Is it the safety of the bus? the knowledge that I am on my way home to safety? Why the hell do these things happen? what force is in us that is stronger than our brain? My brain knew it needed to make me breath but something was stopping it, so what is it? and what do I do now? Do I put my hands up and say...that's it I am never going out on my own again just in case a panic attack rears its ugly head? Firstly, that's not practical and secondly and most importantly that's just not my style!
By the time I got home I was completely calm, breathing normally and my brain had started to remember all the things I couldn't bring to the front of my brain when I was standing in the shop.
In the afternoon we were going to a Fete in a school in the next village from us. I was fine as I was with my family, but the minute I couldn't find what I was looking for I could feel the rumble, it stared in my legs again so I tried to get the family to go off and I would wait under a tree, but then we saw what we were looking for and as soon as I had a focus the feelings melted away again. All the time I was stood chatting and watching I was fine, the minute I turned around to face the busy crowd I could feel its ugliness creeping up to swallow me again. I knew it was time to leave, we had taken Ralph with us and he and I had been sat under a shady tree, my daughter had been chatting to a lady and giving her a little help with her stall. I was totally unaware that a lady with a push chair and a little girl had moved under the tree and were sitting slightly behind us, Ralph, however, had noticed, he actually had noticed that the woman had placed her little girls hot dog under the push chair. I was trying so hard to focus on one person instead of the dozens of people moving all around me that I didn't notice Ralph help himself to the hotdog, the woman and the little girl were beyond furious, I offered to buy more but the woman was after some sort of massive compensation hand out and once again the world began to close in on me, so we left, my daughter picked up Ralph and steered me safely around the crowds. Another event that I need to avoid is Fetes or crowded functions, but I like fetes and looking at the stalls, I wanted to buy a ice cream and stroll around enjoying myself, but I cant. This makes me angry, its not fair that something limits someone, I don't want to stand there saying ohhhh noooo we cant go to the fete in case I have a wobble. Of course I know that if my sight wasn't as bad as it is I probably wouldn't be having these attacks of panic so I shouldn't let it stop me. How do you over come these things? I thought I had it mastered, but it seems to come back stronger. Anyway, its time to go and get ready for the week ahead so I leave you with a photo of a hot sausage stealing puppy who tried to make out he was completely innocent of any crime by looking cute all afternoon. Have a good week everyone xx
Hi Everyone,
I hope you have all had a good week, we are having some beautiful weather here right now, I love the sun and the heat but its making my eyes tired and the floaters seem bigger and blacker, even with my sun glasses on I am struggling with 'eye ache'!
I must tell you about this thing that I noticed earlier this week, one morning, I think it was Tuesday, I got up later than usual, I recon it was only about half an hour but it meant I took Ralph out for his morning walk later, this then meant that the traffic had already built up and our usual quite quiet walk around the streets was now buzzing with activity, the sun was blinding and it was already a bit too hot for Ralph, so I started to rush so I could get him home.
When I approached the junction in the road I was so busy thinking about which route I could take to get him home fastest that I was only half listening to the buzz of traffic around me, I could hear a lorry but it didn't sound close, so I went to step out, literally just as I moved my foot to leave the pavement, I hear this mechanical voice....This vehicle is turning left....something went PING in my brain, left, which way is left, I put my foot back on the pavement just as this massive lorry swung around the corner, after it had passed I stood there for a few seconds, half of me thinking...wow what a brilliant thing to have on lorries...and the other half thinking...F**k me, that was close!!
I gave myself a bit of a internal telling off for not being more careful crossing the road...there would have been all sorts of trouble if I had got Ralph squashed under a lorry, but the more I think about it, the more I am impressed, obviously it was a fairly new lorry, but wouldn't it be great if more vehicles were fitted with this lovely voice, when there is lots of noise its sometimes hard to single out which one is closest and potentially more important than the million other noises going on around you.
This set a good karma for the rest of the week, and on Thursday evening I went out! I mean I actually went out on a school night! My lovely friends drove down from Suffolk to take me with them to see a show in Letchworth at the new Broadway theatre, so not only was I going out on a school night but I was going somewhere I hadn't been before, the evening went with out a problem, the Letchworth Arcadians put on a concert preforming songs from a range of musicals, I didn't need to see the stage as I had my very own narrative bestie sat beside me, and I must say there were some incredible voices, one lady had a voice I can only describe as sounding like hot chocolate.....warm, smooth and bringing a big smile to your face, another lady, Adele Walker brought tears to my eyes, I have never heard such a wonderful voice, I think its such a shame to walk past this woman in the street and not know how fantastic she sounds, maybe she should sing where ever she goes, such a pleasing voice that needs and deserves listening too.
Well, time to go and get ready for another week, speak soon x
Well, I finally have my laptop back, my daughter has finished her final assessment and it has all been handed in, so hopefully I will be able to chat to you more often.
Its been a strange kind of a week, and the pressure has been on, with my youngest mid way through her GCSE's, and finding all she seems to do is revise, take exams and sleep! and my eldest as I said, finishing her final assessment, passing her driving test, buying a car, finding reasonable priced car insurance, road tax and parking permits...the list goes on, all this as well as dragging myself through a incredibly busy week at work.
By Saturday the stress had taken its toll on my youngest and I woke up to a blubbering mess, so, we had a chat and a cuddle then we got washed and dressed and went to lunch, we spent the whole day together. My youngest isn't one for crowds, so we only went as far as Hitchin, which is half and hour bus ride. We had lunch and then looked around the shops, the sun was out as was my purse, and we splashed out on new make-up.
We were following the flow of people and there was this woman trotting along in front of us with these two small children, without warning, she squats down, seriously its sounds quite funny now, but it was so wired, when I am walking I tend to focus on the person in front of me for guidance I suppose, I do it without realising, so I had focused on this woman, then she literally drops out of my line of vision, for a couple of seconds I had no idea what was happening, I panicked internally, I could feel my brain franticly telling my eyes to look for a new focus, but where did the woman go, my brain was really scrambling, I knew people just don't disappear when they are walking....wait, she had kids....kids are low to the ground...LOOK DOWN FOR GODS SAKE LYNDA!! The woman was literally at my feet, I was still moving, I knew I had to stop because I was either going to kick her in the teeth or go flying over the top of her, she was totally oblivious to the world around her and was happily chatting to her infant while sorting his shoe lace, I have no idea how I missed her, truly no idea!
It all took a matter of seconds and after I had half scooted around and half leapt over this woman, my daughter and I just looked at each other...no words needed!!
After our shopping we decided to go for a swim, no probs right? We went home grabbed our stuff...Saturday afternoon on a hot sunny day...perfect time for a blind woman to go swimming right?
In my small and inferior brain I thought the indoor pool would be empty, cos all the brave swimmers would be outside in the Olympic size pool.....it seems I overestimated the brawn of the British, and there were some brave souls in the out door pool, but the indoor was packed. I stood there, cane in one hand, towel in the other looking at all these people splashing and screaming in the pool and though ...ohhhh F**k, the temptation to turn on my heel and rush back to the changing room was wildly tempting, but I had promised my daughter we were going swimming, so swimming we will go!! Right in the corner of the deep end beside two little boys diving off the side there was a small space, so we headed for the gap, I was literally crapping myself, as we walked past the life guard he lend down and asked if I was OK.
I explained that I was a bit worried, thinking that maybe he would keep a little eye on me just in case...but noooo, don't worry he says, we will open a lane for you...and that was exactly what he did, I had my very own private lane, my daughter and I swam without any pressure it was fab, I was so grateful to Hitchin swimming pool, just to not have to worry about the other people swimming or the noises that distort and confuse the way I cope in the pool, I really enjoyed it and managed 20 strong lengths.
I felt so special, its not about feeling superior or getting preferential treatment, it was truly a wonderful supportive thing, something many people will not understand, I didn't have to be on guard, be fully alert to the goings on around me, that is something truly precious, something that I very rarely am able to do, so thank you again, who would know opening a lane just for me would make me feel so overwhelmed....and I totally made use of it, my legs felt like lead when I got out!!
Well am off to bed, my youngest has 5 more days of exams to go and I have another busy week ahead, so I say goodnight, hope you all have a safe week.
Speak soon xx
