This weekend has once again make me realise how limited life can be, it doesn't matter how confident and relentless I appear to be, there are just some things I cant do and some situations I just cant be in!
This doesn't mean I wont try, and maybe this is my problem, I know which things I should avoid but I am my own worst enemy and do it anyway!
Friday I knew I had done too much through the week, the sun had been too bright for me even with sunglasses and the heat was exhausting, but in true form I kept on pushing myself to the limit, so this lead to spending most of Friday asleep.
On Saturday I tried to bounce back, and in my mind I set off for a long walk with Ralph, only to arrive back home half and hour later not even realising that I hadn't walked the route I had wanted to. This should have sent alarm bells ringing...but true to form, it didn't, so I set off on a stupid shopping trip to Hitchin.
The bus journey was a fairly standard affair until we got stuck behind a lorry that was stopped in the middle of the road, a traffic jam soon built up and as I sat there, the bus surrounded by traffic, I felt this little lurch in the pit of my stomach and my legs felt odd! sort of, like I needed to run. I closed my eyes and focused on the conversation two lads were having behind me....I say lads, they were chatting about which beer gave you the less gas!! Men, lads, boys..they all have the same conversations!!
Anyway, it did the trick and the feeling soon went away as did the big lorry and all the traffic.
I got off the bus and wondered up to Sainsbury, it was busy but not heaving, so I wondered in and picked up a basket, I don't think I could have taken 20 steps into the shop when the panic kicked in. I hadn't had a panic attack this bad in months.
It was a lot like something out of a film, the whole shop began to spin, everyone's conversations and every single little noise covered me like a weighted blanket, I knew I had to move but my feet were glued to the floor, I knew the exit was behind me and all I had to do was turn and run, but I just couldn't move. I pushed myself to stand in front of one of the fridges at the front of the shop, but people were bashing into me so I started to move further into the shop, I could feel my breathing changing, getting shallower, I tried to force myself to breathe but I couldn't, I just couldn't breathe normally, then the tears came, just little ones mostly because I knew if I let go completely I was going to pass out.
I was stood in front of the apples now, I don't know how I got there, I needed help, I rang my daughter but I couldn't talk my breathing was so shallow and my lungs seemed to have stopped working, I spoke in whispers, trying not to frighten her but craving the need of a distractive conversation. We talked about what to buy for tea, and with her on the other end of the phone talking me around the shop I managed to get the shopping and get through the till. when I was back outside the shop I stood quietly for a few minutes trying to get some sort of rhythm back in to my breath, but it wasn't coming easy and felt more comfortable to hold my breath for long periods. when I got to the bus stop I sat on the bench and tried to force myself to calm down but I had to fight the urge to hold my breathe and I had developed this crazy need to rock my body back and forth on the bench, maybe it kind of a soothing instinct we naturally have, I dunno, either way I was now fighting two urges!
The minute I parked my backside on the bus seat, the whole thing melted away. Is it the safety of the bus? the knowledge that I am on my way home to safety? Why the hell do these things happen? what force is in us that is stronger than our brain? My brain knew it needed to make me breath but something was stopping it, so what is it? and what do I do now? Do I put my hands up and say...that's it I am never going out on my own again just in case a panic attack rears its ugly head? Firstly, that's not practical and secondly and most importantly that's just not my style!
By the time I got home I was completely calm, breathing normally and my brain had started to remember all the things I couldn't bring to the front of my brain when I was standing in the shop.
In the afternoon we were going to a Fete in a school in the next village from us. I was fine as I was with my family, but the minute I couldn't find what I was looking for I could feel the rumble, it stared in my legs again so I tried to get the family to go off and I would wait under a tree, but then we saw what we were looking for and as soon as I had a focus the feelings melted away again. All the time I was stood chatting and watching I was fine, the minute I turned around to face the busy crowd I could feel its ugliness creeping up to swallow me again. I knew it was time to leave, we had taken Ralph with us and he and I had been sat under a shady tree, my daughter had been chatting to a lady and giving her a little help with her stall. I was totally unaware that a lady with a push chair and a little girl had moved under the tree and were sitting slightly behind us, Ralph, however, had noticed, he actually had noticed that the woman had placed her little girls hot dog under the push chair. I was trying so hard to focus on one person instead of the dozens of people moving all around me that I didn't notice Ralph help himself to the hotdog, the woman and the little girl were beyond furious, I offered to buy more but the woman was after some sort of massive compensation hand out and once again the world began to close in on me, so we left, my daughter picked up Ralph and steered me safely around the crowds. Another event that I need to avoid is Fetes or crowded functions, but I like fetes and looking at the stalls, I wanted to buy a ice cream and stroll around enjoying myself, but I cant. This makes me angry, its not fair that something limits someone, I don't want to stand there saying ohhhh noooo we cant go to the fete in case I have a wobble. Of course I know that if my sight wasn't as bad as it is I probably wouldn't be having these attacks of panic so I shouldn't let it stop me. How do you over come these things? I thought I had it mastered, but it seems to come back stronger. Anyway, its time to go and get ready for the week ahead so I leave you with a photo of a hot sausage stealing puppy who tried to make out he was completely innocent of any crime by looking cute all afternoon. Have a good week everyone xx
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