Hi Everyone,
I feel like I haven't written for weeks, and I am sorry for that, I seem to have been floating around in some sort of bubble, you know when everything starts to pile up on top of you? so you have a choice, collapse, cry and have a complete meltdown or bury your head deep in the sand and plough on until its safe to come out.
So, with my head buried very deep in the sand I ploughed on, but with no sign of life calming down there was only so much I could ignore, in the middle of all the chaos going on above the sand I managed to smash my phone, which then meant I lost communication with the three people who keep me sane through conversation that doesn't revolve around work, the next academic year, whose turn it is to cook dinner, who left a tissue in their jeans when they went to the wash, or why the toilet roll holder has a empty cardboard tube swinging from it. It also meant that I couldn't access my emails as easily, or have those delightful little notifications that constantly ping on your phone to tell you someone has written on Facebook! (see, every cloud has a silver lining!).
On the last day of term, I decided to pull my head out of the sand and face the world, we (as a team of hard arsed teaching assistants) pulled ourselves through a emotional last day, ensuring our students had a lovely day, we took them to a café, we sat in the sun drinking fruit shoots and eating cookies watching people scurrying around the market, and when we had sent them all home, with full bellies and dirty clothes we went to the pub!
I know I have shared with you the struggles of going out with people who I need to learn to trust, but I was determined to go and relax with the people I have worked so closely with for the last three years, we have become a little family, and in September I will have to work on learning to trust a whole new 'family'.
Anyway, my very pregnant Teacher and I got to the pub first and sat outside while the place filled up with employees (and now ex-employees) from our school, 45 minutes later I was on my way home, just enough time to have a nice chatter, a coke and slip away before it all got to much, learning my limitations you see!!
For the rest of the first week of the holidays it has done nothing but pour with rain, this has forced me to sit and think rationally about the amount of pressure I put myself under in the build up to the end of term, some of it couldn't be helped, but most of it I could have done differently and would have prevented the whole sand scenario. Somethings have to stop, and somethings I have to do differently. If I am to get through the next academic year without a meltdown, volunteering for the RNIB has to go on hold, it is unrealistic to think I can work four days, support my girls and my partner, give Ralph all the love and devotion he has become accustomed to, keep a clean house, put decent meals on the table and have some sort of a social life.
Once I had managed to sort all this stuff out in my brain, and make concrete decisions the heavy clouds began to lift, the sand drained out of my ears and the bubble popped.
This has led to me being brave enough to go to a food festival, where I knew there would be lots of people, but I wasn't prepared for the reality of it, loads of noise, music, chatting and laughter, every single food smell you can imagine....and people sitting on the floor!! Not the best combination for someone who has a vision impairment, but nevertheless, Mum instantly linked arms with me and we pushed ourselves into the crowd, but I hated it so, she steered me back out of the crowd straight to Zizzi for tea, Mum, my girls and I stuffed out faces with pasta, and then braved the festival again, this time from a different angel it didn't seem so bad, so we found a place that was selling Crepes and had our pudding.
By now I was feeling on a bit of a role, so I cleared out the loft, gathered a load of stuff we haven't used for ages and took it all to a car boot sale yesterday, we made £130, which was great, but I found it exhausting, watching people walking up and down, and trying to read peoples body language, and then you get the people who are trying to go through your car before you have even parked up! My plans for the rest of Saturday dissolved and a lot of sleeping happened instead.
Finally and thankfully I am feeling like me again, and I hope to be talking to you all regularly again.
Speak soon, when I can get a new phone, I will start taking photos to share again too xx
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