Sometimes it is so hard to remember that everyone has shit going on in their lives and that I haven't been personally chosen by some wanker sitting high up in the clouds to experience every single situation and emotion in the space of a short year, hard times are not exclusive to me everyone has them......all that said, last week when my dishwasher broke I think it was the final straw. Its just a dishwasher I keep telling myself, how on earth did I manage without one before?...I could see better then, washing up by hand now feels like life is sticking two fingers up at me, reminding me that this is yet another job that I cant do as well as I used too. The dishwasher was a happy substitution for the fact that I keep putting 'rejects' on the draining board. I refuse to buy a new dishwasher at this time of the year when everything will be half price in two weeks time, so it looks like the attractive yellow rubber gloves will be staying over Christmas!
Over the last couple of weeks I have found that I have almost been begging that I would open my eyes in the morning and the big floater has moved away, its the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night, I so badly want to get back to some sort of normality that I am steamrolling through the day, just so I can go to bed. Do you know what I mean? Its sort of like a child at Christmas, they know the big day is getting nearer, so they ram all the things they should be doing during the day in to a two hour slot and then are in their Pj's by 2pm waiting to go to bed so they can get a day nearer...that's what I am doing, only there is no set date, so I am chasing something that might never come. Pre PTS therapy, I might have carried on until I was a complete blubbering wreak, but the therapy has taught me to refocus and rethink, so I sat one afternoon with the laptop and browsed on-line courses, I spoke to my contact at RNIB and he suggested that I tried a company called ALISON, they offer free on-line courses, you pay for your certificate at the end. So, I kinda though, I have nothing to lose, its not going to cost me anything, and the course that interests me came up, so I applied and started a diploma in Psychology, its great and is definitely giving me something other than floaters to think about. This was perfect timing, as we woke up last Sunday morning to a blanket of white fluffy snow and a message from my other half not under at circumstances to go out in it.....so I got dressed, put my wellies on and went out! I took Ralph with me and he was extremely disappointed when we got to the top of the road and I had to turn back. I had no idea where the safe places to walk were and the snow was so white it hurt my eyes, by the time we has slipped back to the front door I had the beginnings of what I call eye related head ache. Off came the wellies and the clothes, on when the slippers, fluffy socks and winter Pjs. And Ralph and I curled up under the blanket and I taught him all about 'The learning Theory, Neurons, Sympathetic and Parasympathetic division'....I not sure how much he listened too as he spent most of the time gazing out of the window at the falling snow!
Obviously, I am finding it a bit of a challenge as I cant see too good, but slow and steady wins the race eh? There are loads of different courses to do and I do love learning.
The snow hung around a bit and to make matters more dangerous for me and everyone else walking on the pavements the arrival of ice on top of the snow has meant that I have spent most days at home this week, if it hadn't have been for the course and my 'schedule list' I think I would be signing up for more therapy. The 'schedule list' has been fantastic, its one of the most simple yet effective ideas ever. The night before I sit and write all the jobs that I need to get done on a big note pad, the next day, as I do them, I tick them off and at the end of the day if there is a job that hasn't been done I move it to the next day, there is something enormously satisfying about completing every job on the list and tearing off the sheet and throwing it away. It innocently keeps me focused and on track.
I did have some photos of Ralph in the snow to show you, but my phone did a update and kindly deleted half my photos!
The one job that keeps getting pushed along to the next day and has done for over a week is writing Christmas cards, I just don't want to do it, I don't know why, I have always been really proud of how neat my hand writing is and lately its not been looking so legible, so it kind of feels like another failure that I cant produce such nice writing anymore. Parcel wrapping...now, I have been a bit crafty with that this year, I have made sure all my gifts are boxes or presents that are easily wrapped. Mum introduced me to M&S wrapping paper which has got cutting lines marked out in bold, so you follow the line with your scissors, but then I ran out so I opened a new roll that I brought from Sainsbury and was so pleased to see lines on the back of this paper too. As I was lent over the paper carefully snipping along the line, a voice says, what you up too? I say I am cutting along the lines of the wrapping paper stupid? the voice says...there are no lines on that paper, stupid! See, how incredible are we? My brain had remembered the lines from the other wrapping paper and was still seeing them on the new roll even though my eyes weren't!!
Well, I leave you with a photo of my lazy mate who likes to take up the whole sofa.
Speak Soon xx
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