So, the truth is I have no bloody idea what will happen, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, all I can do is slow it down, enjoy each moment I am still able to be in school and try my best to be as honest as I can.....Like I have said before, pretending you can do something when you cant is a bit of a fine art that people with sight problems seem to naturally adhere to, I don't know why, pride or embarrassment maybe, or perhaps its easier to pretend than keep expecting people to remember.
I keep wishing I could just have a tiny peek into the future, not loads ahead, maybe just a year, just to give me reassurance that I will be ok, but that peek comes with disadvantages too I suppose and you might just be peeking at something that you really don't want to see, so its back to the here and now.
Yesterday the sun shone, for the first time in well over two weeks we had a full day without rain, freezing temperatures and grey skies, this helped with my overactive imagination as instead of sitting on the sofa eating chocolate and crap, then feeling guilty because I am becoming too fat for my jeans, so spiral into the familiar cycle of worrying about stuff that there's bugger all that can be done about, I went into the garden. Now I don't know if I told you about the day the fish pond emptied and left the fish splashing around in a tiny drop of water and the outside tap was frozen so we had a bucket relay from the kitchen through the house to the back door where someone took the bucket, stomped over the snow to the fish pond, This seemed a fab idea at the time, the first two buckets went off along the line ok, but the third one was less helpful, after I filled it to the top, lifted it out of the kitchen skin and discovered it had a big crack in the bottom sending very cold water all over me, Ralph (who was standing at my feet wondering what the hell was going on) and the kitchen floor....I remember shouting a warning for whoever dared to laugh would find themselves head first in the fish pond. It took ages to fill the pond, but eventually the fish were happy and the pump was turned back on, only to find the following morning the pond was completely empty again. This time, the youngest daughter filled a bucket, put the fish into the bucket and we delivered the fish to Mum's fish pond where the fish must feel like the have moved from a tiny cottage to a stately home.
We turned off the pump and ignored the pond for the rest of the winter, yesterday however, as the warm sun shone I noticed a nasty smell coming from the pond and on further inspection I realised that there wasn't a hole in the lining as the pond was half full again with a grim foul smelling stagnant water so the problem must have been with the pump. So I dismantled the pump, emptied the disgusting water and cut out the pond liners with a Stanley knife (only one slice to my knuckle) and began to empty all the old soil out of last years pots into the empty fish pond. This took me literally hours and was a very welcome distraction from wallowing in my bleak looking future, youngest daughter came out to assist, which meant sitting on her backside barking orders on how to be more careful while balancing on the edge for the fish pond with a Stanley knife, but as usual she came out top as she suggests we plant a tree in the hole. I finished the day covered in dirt, old fish poo, pond weed and there was enough twigs and leaves in my hair to make a small fire but I felt good. This Moring (Sunday) the happy content feeling was still there so I decided Ralph and I would walk to the garden centre to look for trees to go in our fish pond. I fancied a Cherry tree, one daughter wanted a cherry blossom and the other wanted a Olive tree. One day of sunshine and I had forgotten how much rain we have had over the last free weeks and wearing white trainers on our walk wasn't the best idea, avoiding mud and really big puddles meant it took us twice as long as it usually would to walk the three miles from my house to the garden centre. I didn't think about work or anything much all the way there, I focused on where I was walking and enjoyed looking! As we turned into the garden centre, the first thing I noticed was that the car park was full, I hesitated for a few seconds, then thought, Noooo, I;ve been here a million times, how bad and busy can it be???? VERY bloody busy actually, I put Ralph on a short lead, much to his disappointment as he likes to pee up against every plant he sees regardless if its in someone's shopping basket or not and tried to make my way to the 'Bargain bench' this is the 'safe' place, I know these fair-weather gardeners will be looking at all the fresh new plants and the old pot bound plants wont be getting so much attention, I phoned home to request rescuing and told them I would be hiding with my back against the crowd pretending to be engrossed in the curious, half dead looking plants on the bench. From the entrance to the bargain bench is a wide straight path, today filled with what felt like a million obstacles and hundred people. Totally focused on reaching the safe place I made my way slowly though the people, half way along the path I head a very familiar noise which could only be made by a familiar young lady, before I could see her I knew who it was and I knew she would be with her family. I don't think I have ever been so pleased to see this young lady and her Mum, it took a few minutes for her to remember my name, but instantly I had been distracted and inwardly comforted by people who know me, people who understand . Those few minutes standing talking completely settled me. I want to thank you for that, you don't know how much you helped me this morning. I walked to the bench and spent the rest of the time as Ralph and I waited for our rescuers smiling as I remembered all the lovely times I had experienced working with the young lady I had just been speaking to, what a fantastic group of children I have worked with over the years and what an amazing bunch of staff too, nothing will take those memories away.
The daughters arrived and we went to look at the trees....we wondered up and down, again no-one really wanted to be looking at trees so we were able to have a stroll, we discovered Peach trees, YES Peach! So we will be purchasing a peach tree in the near future to be planted in the middle of a ex-fish pond, its blossom is beautiful and has a faint niff, and the fruit it produces in late August is flat peaches...sold in Asda as Peach Doughnuts!!
Well, cross everything for me for tomorrow and I will let you know how it goes.
Oh, before I go, I took a photo of Ralph deciding that daughter number two's hoola hoop now belongs to him! See, this is what I have to put up with...Small dog, big ideas!! xx
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