Reclaiming Independence

Hey everyone,
I am sat here in my sunny warm conservatory, the sun is going down and its been a busy but beautiful day, and I start to think about independence...what really is it? and how we take it for granted. As I have told you before, I have always been a fiercely independent woman, my sight has never been good enough for me to be able to drive, and I hate asking for help, hated relying on people to run me around, I would much prefer to get a train, bus or walk to a shop. I used to love cycling to work, I used to go out cycling with a friend, we would cycle to a pub, have lunch then cycle to a different one for pudding. I always thought that was the independence I lost, but that's not all the independence I lost at all, yesterday I went into Asda on my own, I hadn't written a list because all I needed was pizza and stuff for a salad, while I was walking through the town to Asda I realised that I was planning my route around the shop. The minute I got into the shop I began to feel anxious, but the route I had been thinking about sprang forward to the front of my brain, the usual bumping into people and getting in peoples way was all still there, but I am used to that now. I wondered down the card isle because it was empty and my anxiety melted away, I floated my way to the pizza counter feeling relaxed and confident...THEN! There was no one serving at the pizza counter!!!!!! A lady in her white overall's tells me to come back in about 10 minutes....10 BLOODY MINUTES!!! doesn't she know I have planned this route? what do I do now? I cant just stand there like a wally for 10 minutes, I smiled at the lady and backed away, bumping into a lady with a trolley with what looked like six months worth of shopping, she tutted and shook her head at me, suddenly I wanted to get out, run away. Last week when I was feeling low, a day like this would have sent me into floods of tears, not being able to adapt to changes, that's a form of independence loss for me,  I was angered, not at the lady in her overall, not at the lady with her massive trolley, but at myself. Its a effing pizza counter in Asda, how many people would have seen this as a real problem? some might have been a bit pissed that they couldn't have their pizza made for them as quickly as they would have liked, so I forced myself to wonder around the isles pretending to look interested in the difference between garden peas and marrowfat peas, then I went back to the counter and ordered my pizza's....that my friends is me regaining my independence, I could have run away, phoned my nearest and dearest and got him to come rescue me and get the pizzas, and he would have done exactly that, but I didn't. Independence means very different things for everyone, what we need to keep in our minds that its all the small things that make the big things easier. I have to start somewhere and while I do manage so well at somethings, others are shockingly difficult and frustrating.
I think acceptance is the first steps into regaining independence, if you don't know where you are in the world, what you are safely capable of, then how can you find a base for moving forward....I am crap at mowing the lawn, but I still do it, because I can and all the while I can do it safely, I will continue to do it.
Adapting your environment is a way of reclaiming that independence, for instance, I keep smashing the glasses in my dishwasher because I don't see them in there and dump other stuff on top of them, I could get someone else to load the dishwasher, but actually, I like doing it because I can, so after a lot of thought I brought these.....

Problem solved.

Obviously I brought more than three, they were £1 each from Tesco and I haven't smashed any....yet. I don't really know what I am trying to say, except we all look at life differently and what we perceive as having our independence is different too. I might come across to others as being awkward or irritable when I don't except help from others, but as so many things have been taken away, that I thrive on the things that I can do, no matter how big or small those things are.

On a different subject I have another counselling session tomorrow, and as promised, I will continue to let you know how I am finding counselling in this form. Last week, as you know, I had a lot of time to think, I don't think this type of thinking was very productive and I began to wonder if having counselling via email was right for me, but after re reading my last email from them, I realised that I hadn't read it properly at all! It had seemed very negative when I first read it and now wonder if this, added with the 'blind lady' in Woodbridge was the reason for my dark mood last week. I did speak to my contact at Action for Blind about this, and he mentioned a team that do like a phone counselling clinic thing, they phone you once a week, I know I wouldn't be comfortable telling someone my deepest darkest thoughts over the phone. Maybe I have to go backwards to go forwards, if you know what I mean. Some parts of my life have been covered that I haven't shared with anyone, so revisiting all those emotions has unsettled me, and I suppose our natural instinct is to stick our heads in the sand when there is something we don't want to talk about or remember, so I think for the sake of maintaining my sanity and the thought maybe of encouraging one of you out there to try this avenue of counselling I will keep on going, it'd be daft to give up now, if I don't see it to the end I cant give it a fair trial!! ....speak soon xx