RNIB HAUL No 2

Hello everyone,
It's funny how my first order took months a arrive, the second order was here within two days! I know the order was smaller this time, anyway, its here and I am very pleased with it. I have brought batteries to go in the light wands and have used the sticky pads that they came with to stick them in my cupboards, I would show you a picture, but now I can see in the cupboards, I realise how incredibly messy they are, clearing them out will be a job for the Christmas holidays.
I got three more light wands, another cutting board, red this time and this very fetching computer key board.

The key board just plugs into the back of my laptop, right now as I type, the keyboard is sitting on one of those dinner tray things on my lap and my laptop is on the arm of the sofa, its much easier to use, its the same with the big PC, just plug it into the USB thingy and away you go. Fab, I wish I had one of these months ago, it would have made using the computer so much easier.

The RNIB have a online shop that is easy to access, there are some really helpful gadgets in there as well as bigger things like mobile phones, I know I had a bad experience with ordering from them, but when someone finally got down to looking into the problem, it seems there were problems with several other orders that were placed that day, so it sounds like it was a computer glitch. A couple of years ago, I brought a speaking watch from there, the ladies ones aren't super snazzy but they do what they are supposed to do, touch the little button on the side of the watch face and a little computerised voice tells you the time, press it again and it tells you that date. I was quite fond of my watch, until it found its way into the washing machine, sadly it was never the same after that. I think I might look into getting another one, also check out the measuring jugs and weighing scales, I like to cook and bake, but my equipment lets me down and just irritates me when I cant see what I am weighing or measuring.

I also wanted to talk to you about talking books. Although I am a very active person, there are times when I just want to sit quietly, in total silence, I think this is because my head is often crammed full of millions of different sounds and my brain is working overtime trying to process all the images I see, silence and sitting still gives my brain time to sort of repair. However, this can be a very dangerous time, as sitting quietly can soon turn into thinking, thinking is fine but over thinking is not fine, over thinking produces emotions and thoughts that distort your perception and can turn a very small and insignificant situation into something which majorly effects your ability to have rational thoughts...bit like taking drugs I suppose.

I am a over thinker, but I KNOW I am a over thinker, that's where the difference lies, I am aware that I can convince myself that the whole world hates me or that I am fat, ugly and stupid, I can turn peoples words around in my head until the thing that they said to me takes on a whole different meaning, and suddenly I am worrying about something that's not even there!

That's where the talking books are hero's on little memory sticks.

Many many, years ago, when I was small, my Mum used to listen to talking books, I could never really understand why, she used to get them from the library, and they came on 'TAPE'!! We used to walk into the kitchen and there she would be listening to Miss Marple whilst peeling the veg, I used to think she was a bit nuts, grab my wellies and go off to see what trouble I could get into in the garden.

How things have changed, these days you get memory sticks with the stories on, plug them into a USB hole and you are sorted, I use to download them onto a mp3 player and listen to them on the train on the way to work, now I no longer get the train to work, I just play them through my laptop. I remember when Mum used to get them there used to be very little choice, bit like the old large print books, they were all Mills and Boon, romance just isn't high on my agenda unfortunately.

  I receive two stories, when I have listened to them both, I send them back and another two pop through my door, simple as that.

Calibre are a charity, when you register with them they ask a bit about you so they can send stories relevant to your interests, over the years I have only received a couple of stories that I couldn't get into.

The magazine is handy all the stories are categorised and it gives you the name of the book, a bit about it and most importantly, the person who is narrating it, believe me, there is nothing worse than listening to someone for four hours who has a voice that either drives you crackers or sends you to sleep. For those, who for one reason or another, are unable to get out, these types of charities and organisations are a real life line. To lose yourself in a book is a very special feeling, it sparks the imagination and gives you something to think about, I found listening to the stories helps me to relax, it also helps me to stay grounded, I was separated from the real world for a while, but when I turned off the story I seemed to have more of a positive energy, there is nothing like a good book, ask anyone!!

The white label slides out and my address is on the other side, so I just switch it over when I send the stories back.

This week has been a strange one, I made a couple of mistakes at work on Monday, I know why they happened but it has stopped me beating myself up over them, Tuesday, I went shopping on my own...all the way to Stevenage on the train, its gonna sound daft to you but, I made a list (fairly normal behaviour for a woman my age) but I also visualised my route, I mapped the shops out in my head and my list coincided with the route, like, first stop was Tesco, when I got to Tesco, I checked the list (Tesco stuff at the top of the list) and I brought NOTHING else, and then I went to the next shop and did exactly the same, I even scheduled in a stop at the Café! Totally perfect, the only thing I hadn't factored in was the rain, but hey its just rain...lots of it, but just rain.

So why the hell today when I went into Hitchin was it a bloody disaster? I did the same sort of thing, bank, post office, Sainsbury, Wilkinson, Superdrug and Marks, It might not have been as simple as I couldn't get my usual seat on the bus so I had to sit nearer the back, which meant there would be two steps down from the back of the bus instead of the one step from where I usually sit, I had this two step crap in my head all the way to town, and when the bus stopped I had this little vice screaming in the back of my head TWOOOO STEPPPPSSS, DONT FALL DOWN THE BLOODY STEPS!!!

Then this woman started talking to me...Yes, TALKING, she was just walking along beside me just chatting about what cake she was going to buy, bloody hell woman, you are seriously messing with my flow! Off she went to buy a doughnut or maybe an éclair or perhaps a custard tart, cos she really fancied a custard tart and I scooted into the bank, on-one about so I made my way to the business till only to be cut up by a old couple who thought it was fucking hilarious that they had brought a suitcase full of 2 pence's to be banked, luckily another member of staff saw the look on my face and steered me to a help desk where she took my bits and  used the computer where the old couple were happily counting out their 2p's.

Post office next, the cue was coming out of the door so I joined it behind a man and his little darling who had his very lovely scooter and thought it was ok to keep driving over everyone's feet...By the time I had been in the other three shops I stood outside Marks with the familiar sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I just wanted to roll into a ball and cry myself to sleep, but I went in got what was on my list and came out just as my bus home was pulling up, I literally ran across the road, so pleased to be going home, unfortunately there was the whole two step business thing again because my seat was unavailable. I have sat in complete silence for 45 minutes before I started writing this blog, youngest daughter is about to come through the door, at least my brain has been rested!

Speak soon, I think it will be time to put up the Christmas Tree this weekend, I will show you a photo x

Ralph

Hi Everyone,
Just a quick blog tonight, I thought I would talk to you about dogs! This is our dog, Ralph

Now, I am sure many of you are dog lovers, but for me animals have never really been my thing. I have told you about the lady who came out to talk to me about getting a guide dog, even now I still think of the massive responsibility owning a guide dog is, more so than a pet, because they are not pets, don't get me wrong, you love them like part of the family, actually many people love them more than their family, but which ever way you look at it, a guide dog is there to do a job, to help people cope better in their environment, the bond and trust between a guide dog and its owner becomes unbreakable.....I am not ready for a guide dog, for many reasons, but mostly because I break things easily! 

Anyway, I am already drifting away from what I was going to say! we will have had Ralph for two years in January, we had him from six weeks old, which I now believe is too young for a pup to leave its mum, but there we go!

He is a Chinese crested Pomeranian/Chihuahua cross, and well, he can be a bossy little bugger.

For years my girls wanted a dog, and I had put them off, but the first year I spilt from my partner was so difficult I felt we needed something else in our lives, something for us all to share and care for. So I bit the bullet. The first few days and nights were a complete bloody disaster, he peed, pooed and puked everywhere and cried all night, three nights in and he was still crying all night, even after trying all the usual tricks, like playing soft music, leave a ticking clock near his bed so it sounds like a heart beat, giving him a soft toy or wrapping him up in a blanket, so I did the unforgivable, I went downstairs scooped him up and took him back to bed with me, he curled up beside me and fell asleep straightaway, I, however, laid there all night totally pissed off with myself, knowing that I had just let myself in for a nightmare, like with babies when you take them to your bed its really hard to get the little buggers back into their own beds.

The following night, we put him in his crate, and he sat there all tiny and fluffy watching our bedtime routine, then he curled up like a tiny pretzel and I turned off the lights and went up to bed. I waited for the crying to start, but it didn't! I crept downstairs the following morning at 6am, I was sure he was dead, but there he was all bouncy and tail wagging so I took him out for a wee, from then on he has slept all night but is awake at 6am expecting to go for a wee!

He is a absolute delight for my girls, I am still sure he thinks that my youngest daughter is a puppy, they fight and argue, I shout at them and the next time I look they are curled up on the sofa together watching The Big Bang Theory!

Over the last 21 months he has grown so much and he and I have a bond that I never thought you could have with a animal, he gives me a reason to get out of bed each morning, for a small dog he walks for miles and miles, he knows all my worries as on our stomps over the fields I have moaned, chattered and cried!

As time has ticked on, He has learnt some cool tricks, he can jump, party, high five, lay dead, roll over, all the usual crap, not exactly guide dog material, I often stand there wondering how stupid a dog can be when

I catching doing daft things, like the day he thought it might be quite nice if he jumped on top of his bed and then cried his eyes out because he couldn't get down...

And we have had a nasty few experiences where he thought it would be ok to go and pee on our beds, this was NOT OK, and very nearly was drop kicked over the back fence, this luckily (fingers crossed) hasn't happened for a while, this is mostly due to us keeping the bedroom doors shut rather than him realising that its a bad thing to do!

The point is, I have noticed over the last month or so that he has started looking out for me, I am sure he knows I am, well, different from the other humans around him. When we were walking the other day, he went over a little wooden bridge first but when he got down the steps the other side he sat and waited for me to get over and down the steps safely, then he looked up at me with this toothy grin thing he does and then shot off, I thought it was cute, but didn't think too much of it.

                                                                   (toothy grin!)

Then the other day I was sold the wrong travelcard for my daughter at our train station and didn't notice until I had got home, so I put Ralph on his lead, stuffed my phone, my bank card, the incorrect travelcard and a photocopy of her 16-25 railcard into my coat pocket and my door key and poo bags in the other pocket, as we walked the short distance to the train station it began to pour with rain so I put my hood up from my coat and picked up the pace..then bugger me, if my phone didn't start to ring, so I yanked my phone out of my pocket to answer it, I chatted to my sister for a few minutes, and I knew Ralph had fallen behind, but I assumed he was getting stroppy with the rain, when I got to the end of the lead I gave him a little yank without turning around, he didn't budge, so I finished saying goodbye to my sister and turned around saying, FFS RALPH, ITS POURING WITH RAIN HURRY THE HELL UP!!! As I focused on him I saw he was sitting with his paw on the contents of my pocket and he wasn't moving until I had noticed...what a clever dog, I found a dog treat in the bottom of my pocket and gave him a big fuss, he was well chuffed with himself!

Then this morning, we went for a walk, we walk a familiar route, he knows where I cross the roads etc. We have had storm Angus here and over night we had a lot of rain and high winds bring all the leaves off of the trees covering the paths. Ralph kept ahead of me during the whole walk with his nose to the ground, I always cross the road when I am on my own where the path has bobbles on so I know the kerb is low on both sides of the road, I couldn't see the path with all the leaves but Ralph managed to keep me away from the edge of the road and found the bobbles on the path and sat waiting for me to catch up and then waited for the traffic to pass before standing ready to cross the road, he has also started to sit and wait at the zebra and traffic light crossings, standing when the cars stop and he hears the peeping!

Perhaps this little tiny dog IS guide dog material after all....well maybe in our eyes anyway!

speak soon xx

RNIB HAUL

OMGGGGGG XDNKEUFHUIG;N;EK'CIHEHGB;E'CKEOUGEM'!!!!!!.........ITS HERE....LOW GRUMPY MOOD HAS BEEN ZAPPED

It finally arrived, my haul of goodies from the RNIB ordered two months and six days ago, but after another phone call to them last Thursday and a nice discussion with a lady, unfortunately I cant remember her name, but she was fab,  she got onto it and voila here it is!!

I am excited to show you all my haul, although, I have to say, after I had unpacked it and I sat their this morning looking at it, I did have a little flash of...not wanting it. I hope I can make sense of it for you, its like, Rob told me these things will help me manage better, I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way I was managing before, but now I have them I realise that they have made a big difference, so by accepting these aids I feel like I am accepting that I am worse than I thought I was!!

Bla,, Bl, Bla, shut up Lynda and get on with the haul!

NOWWWW, this is a incredible piece of equipment, the electric magnifier, its hand held, portable and mains rechargeable..

Its got a LED light on the camera and its got loads of different settings, blue on yellow, black on yellow, etc, you chose which suits you best. You hold it over what ever you want magnified and it brings it up on the screen, it can also be plugged into the TV so you can hold the device over, say a news paper, and the print will be projected onto the TV screen! Cool eh?

And it comes with its own protective case, although i would prefer a case that zips up to stop it sliding out when you pick it up. It fits nicely in my handbag, so if someone would like to invite me out to dinner so I can read the menu with it, that'd be lovely, thanks!

Then there this gadget...

This is also amazing, it mains rechargeable so you don't have to worry about changing batteries, I am loving it, today I set it up over the chopping board when I was cutting the onions for our Chilli, I could even see the cuts on my fingers from when I couldn't see the knife or the onion!!

Again, its a LED light so its real bright. It has a little handle on top so you can carry it around anywhere!

These are wand lights, they are also LED but are battery operated (I need to go buy some batteries), but the idea is, they have a circular bottom with a sticky tab so, for example, I will be sticking one to the ceiling of my coat cupboard and one on the cupboard I keep my pots and pans in because I cant see bugger all in them!

Cutting boards, I know, boring but helpful, they are lightweight plastic and contrasting colours, I cut carrots on the black board earlier (also for my chilli and i used the big LED light) and it was a breeze. I never thought I would be sitting here getting all excited over a few chopping boards, LED lights and a magnifier! But there you go, things change, and despite my reluctance to accept change, its well, tough really!

Also in the box, which I have to say I am impressed with, nearly as much as the items themselves, was large print instructions for all of the items...

Well done RNIB, it took a long, long time to get here, but its all good now...until the next order which I am about to place...wish me luck, speak soon x

    

  

Why Me?

Hey everyone,
I have been feeling a little low over the last couple of days....you know, the whole 'WHYYYY MEEEEE' crap we all go through from time to time, I have had a couple of emails from work about the 'Christmas Do' and a pamper night....excuse my language, but, fuck me, you have no idea of the extent of fear I have at the thought of going to something like that, I am not sure I have the ability to explain how it feels, the whole going to a venue I haven't been before, using my stick in front of my work mates, what to wear (and I know every woman does that shit, but for me I feel like I have to make a extra effort for fear of letting myself down, or people thinking I am not coping as I am not very well maintained) what if I end up sitting on my own?  and god forbid, what the hell will happen if I need the loo, what if I trip over? and what will people think when I don't move from my seat all night? because I am so scared of something I cant see. What about if someone talks to me and I ignore them?  do you know how difficult it is to listen to someone talking when you cant see? What if no body talks to me! That's all before the lighting issues, dim lighting, flashing lights, different types of light, candles...I mean WTF, noise, I hear noises many others don't, they distract and confuse me endlessly, in fact distraction is a massive factor in the whole night out thing, smells, lighting, music, chatter, mixed up with, clinking classes, a toilet door squeaking, someone turning on the hand drier, a lorry going past outside, a waitress wiping a table, someone blowing their nose, a couple snogging in the corner...its endless...endless endless endless, and it drives me mad!
 As I write this blog tears are rolling down my cheeks in grief for the person I used to be, the person who would get as pissed as a fart (does a fart get pissed? I dunno), dance on the dance floor until my feet hurt so much I had to take my shoes off, heeled shoes are also a thing of the past, sensible shoes for me now, minimize the risks and all that crap.
What would I do now? Dance around my white stick? I suppose I could get it blinged up with some fairy lights and tinsel.
What has happened to me, old me would stay out half the night, not thinking twice about walking myself home in the dark, what I would give to have old me back for a day, and a night!
Just to be able to put my own make-up on again, to look in a mirror and see that I looked ok instead of having to ask someone else.
Its funny, I don't want to be treated any differently from anyone else, but I am different. I suppose you might say I am wasting time comparing life how I live it now to how it used to be, and I know I should be grateful for the things I have seen and the things I have done and be thankful to those who I shared things with, there are many, many people who are much worse off than me.
But today, selfishly I am feeling sorry for myself, its very hard to keep a brave face on all the while, thinking back only terrifies me for the future, I am trying to bring myself back to the now and pull myself up and out of this low mood.
I know some of you will understand and know exactly where I am coming from, others may feel that I am weak....I am not week, just in a shitty mood, the world just seems so unfair at times, and I want to scream at it. I have no one to scream at...so guess what...you my friends, all over the world are getting my screaming today!!! Thanks for listening :)

#RNIB Connect Magazine

Hello everyone.
On Monday we had a beautiful day here, for the 1st of November, it was very warm and sunny, Mum, Ralph and I walked across the fields to the garden centre, from Mum's house it is about a four mile walk, the route we took is part of the same route as the one I used to take when I cycled to work. As we scrunched through all the fallen leaves and admired the beautiful trees, all changing colour and loosing their leaves, it got me feeling a little sad, I started to think about what my life used to be like.  I so miss cycling, I miss lots of things.
A friend of mine put a post up on Facebook saying that it was her 50th Birthday, seems like only yesterday we celebrated her 40th, I know 10 years is a long time, and everyone experiences many changes in their lives within that time, but my mind wondered back to the club that we all went to for my friends 40th, I just couldn't do that now, not because I am 10 years older, but because I simply couldn't cope, a club would be my worst nightmare, how would I see in a club now?
Some times I think if I could go back a couple of years and see how much I could see then and compare it to what I can see now, would I still have the same attitude to life? It might stop me in my tracks and frighten me so much that I loose my drive and whatever it is that's in my heart that keeps me going, that thing that gets me up out of bed each day, lately I have noticed that that 'thing' is sometimes not as strong as it should be, or as I want it to be.
Sometimes the thought of going out on my own brings on this horrible little nag in my stomach, some days I even have to push myself to walk Ralph, often I plan my route to best avoid bumping into other people. This annoys me, makes me angry and sad. If I could take myself back and watch myself, would I be as clumsy? would I have more confidence? more patience perhaps?...
If I think about these things too much I get fed up, I know on paper my sight has changed, but how can I compare it? How can I SEE it?...Do I really want to see it?
Its funny how a series of events can change your train of thought, send you on a bit of, what I would call, a wobble.
Then I begin fighting with myself...stop feeling sorry for yourself woman, things could be much worse, there are people out there with much bigger problems than mine...doesn't stop me wanting to lick my wounds once in a while though.
I wonder where I will end up? Do you think everyone wonders about what will happen to them? or do people live for the moment and just get on with it?
Well, I had managed to give myself the complete arse hole by now, so out of pure grumpiness and the lack of anything better to do, I picked up a magazine that had dropped through the letter box.

This magazine has been dropping on my door mat for months and months, I picked it up, removed the cellophane and chucked it in the box with all the others, I have a box where all my sight related info goes.

I have never even opened the first page, I am a total disgrace!!

This issue of  the RNIB connect Magazine was really quite interesting, as I sat flicking through the 15 pages, I realised it was perfect.

Not great long paragraphs of writing, nice bright clear interesting stories. The articles were short and sharp but informative and the font was spot on for me.

There was a article from Camsight, a inspiring story about a fella who lost his sight due to a brain tumour, and re built his life with the support of Camsight and Instructability and is now a fitness instructor.

There was some information about telephone writing workshops, there was a couple of pages asking for feedback, towards the back there were some helpful phone numbers and stuff.

This got me looking through the box for the other issues, last months was pretty good too, and there is a little writing competition to enter, I am tempted to give it a go. Its creative writing with two categories, prose and poetry, I am crap at poetry so if I had a go it would be prose! If I send in a entry, I will let you all have a read!

Anyway, subscribing to #RNIB connect magazine for anyone with sight loss is a must, I know it is easy to feel isolated and lonely especially when you feel like the people around you don't seem to understand or relate to the way you might be feeling, this magazine does exactly what the title suggests...connects people with others, but in a distant sort of way if you know what I mean!

As I was looking through the box I found another magazine, this one is from Bedfordshire sight concern, this is a entirely different read....well, I couldn't read it. To start with, the pages are glossy, giving a instant glare, its all in black and white print, I dunno about you, but I find black and white print really hard to read, the photographs are also in black and white, which is ridiculous for a 'sight concern' mag, they just look like blotches on the pages. The stories are too long, if, like me, you can literally only read about four sentences before the lines and words start moving around and your head starts spinning,  this would be just too much to take in.

The font however is a good size, but sadly that's just about the only good thing I have to say about it.....Sorry #sight concern, your magazine is a bit pants!!

Sight concern....boringggg

RNIB connect, eye catching and interesting

sight concern front page is plain and uninviting...

RNIB connect front page, bright, clear and catches your interest...

So, what I was trying to say before I got distracted with the magazine comparison was, though reading RNIB connect, I have been motivated to look into the possibility of re training, if that guy can retrain as a fitness instructor, there must be something out there I could do, right? Maybe not any thing to do with fitness as I am well lazy, but its definitely something to look into. Then there is the writing competition, which is something that is floating around in my thoughts all day long, so that signifies to me that its something worth looking into too.

I leave you now, speak soon xx