Why Me?

Hey everyone,
I have been feeling a little low over the last couple of days....you know, the whole 'WHYYYY MEEEEE' crap we all go through from time to time, I have had a couple of emails from work about the 'Christmas Do' and a pamper night....excuse my language, but, fuck me, you have no idea of the extent of fear I have at the thought of going to something like that, I am not sure I have the ability to explain how it feels, the whole going to a venue I haven't been before, using my stick in front of my work mates, what to wear (and I know every woman does that shit, but for me I feel like I have to make a extra effort for fear of letting myself down, or people thinking I am not coping as I am not very well maintained) what if I end up sitting on my own?  and god forbid, what the hell will happen if I need the loo, what if I trip over? and what will people think when I don't move from my seat all night? because I am so scared of something I cant see. What about if someone talks to me and I ignore them?  do you know how difficult it is to listen to someone talking when you cant see? What if no body talks to me! That's all before the lighting issues, dim lighting, flashing lights, different types of light, candles...I mean WTF, noise, I hear noises many others don't, they distract and confuse me endlessly, in fact distraction is a massive factor in the whole night out thing, smells, lighting, music, chatter, mixed up with, clinking classes, a toilet door squeaking, someone turning on the hand drier, a lorry going past outside, a waitress wiping a table, someone blowing their nose, a couple snogging in the corner...its endless...endless endless endless, and it drives me mad!
 As I write this blog tears are rolling down my cheeks in grief for the person I used to be, the person who would get as pissed as a fart (does a fart get pissed? I dunno), dance on the dance floor until my feet hurt so much I had to take my shoes off, heeled shoes are also a thing of the past, sensible shoes for me now, minimize the risks and all that crap.
What would I do now? Dance around my white stick? I suppose I could get it blinged up with some fairy lights and tinsel.
What has happened to me, old me would stay out half the night, not thinking twice about walking myself home in the dark, what I would give to have old me back for a day, and a night!
Just to be able to put my own make-up on again, to look in a mirror and see that I looked ok instead of having to ask someone else.
Its funny, I don't want to be treated any differently from anyone else, but I am different. I suppose you might say I am wasting time comparing life how I live it now to how it used to be, and I know I should be grateful for the things I have seen and the things I have done and be thankful to those who I shared things with, there are many, many people who are much worse off than me.
But today, selfishly I am feeling sorry for myself, its very hard to keep a brave face on all the while, thinking back only terrifies me for the future, I am trying to bring myself back to the now and pull myself up and out of this low mood.
I know some of you will understand and know exactly where I am coming from, others may feel that I am weak....I am not week, just in a shitty mood, the world just seems so unfair at times, and I want to scream at it. I have no one to scream at...so guess what...you my friends, all over the world are getting my screaming today!!! Thanks for listening :)