A month ago, it was a Friday, we all woke late and this lead on to frantic flying around to get everyone out of the door on timeish.
I had grabbed my trainers and sitting on the bottom step of the stairs I started undoing the laces when my finger felt a hole in the side of the shoe, further investigations resulted in my swearing loudly, throwing the trainers across the living room floor and me with my head in the 'shoe cupboard' throwing unsuitable shoes over my shoulder until I found a pair that were reasonably day at work proof.
I grabbed a old pair of Chelsea boots, yanked them on, glanced at the pile of shoes which were now spewing from the hall into the kitchen, swore under my breath, looked at Ralph and gave him strict instructions NOT to touch the pile of shoes, then grabbed my coat and lunch and legged it to the front door, just as I shut the door I saw Ralph watching me with his head to one side, then he glanced at the shoes with this 'WOMAN YOU IS WELLL STUPID' look on his face, I felt for work wondering how much it was going to cost to replace the contents of the dam shoe cupboard!
By the time I got home I really didn't give two poops about the shoe cupboard as I had the biggest migraine I have ever had and this pain in the bottom of my right foot, from the heel forwards into the arch of my foot. I have never experienced anything like the constant ache in my foot, talk about making me cranky, it just wouldn't go away, so I took myself, after two weeks of not being able to walk properly, to the doctors who asked me if I was 'A RUNNER!!!!
Do I look like a bloody runner? Nope, I am a hole in trainer so wear stupid pair of shoes kinda girl.
She called it Plantar Fasciitis, gave me some gel to rub on and told me to rest it....Rest it...I ask you!
So, I carried on as normal, but slowly, and I mean really slowly, in fact some days it made me cry it was so painful.
I discovered that if I wore a tight pair of socks, and a thick pair of socks and my old walking boots I could manage to take Ralph on a short walk.
Then this thing happened that I wasn't prepared for at all, I stood at the road crossing waiting for the peeping to tell me the lights had changed, Ralph who is a pro at traffic lights, sat beside me, suddenly he leapt up and went to charge across the road, then I noticed the cars had stopped, Why hadn't I heard the peeping? There was a man on the other side of the road, as I crossed I asked him if the peeps were working, when he said yes I felt my heart drop to the very bottom of my stomach....on top of everything else I am going bloody deaf! This has been seriously worrying me, I mean constantly on my mind, I wondered if as the pain in my foot is so constant that I am so focused on it that I couldn't hear the peeps?
This has been lingering for about four weeks, the foot hasn't got any better and I am sick of saying WHAT? and PARDON? to everyone, the stress has brought on Rosacea which always flairs up when I am worried about something and these lovely brown patches have appeared on my chest which is apparently also stress related, I was putting off going back to the doctors as I was sure the Doc was going to sign me off on sick from work, and that would just push me over the edge!
On top of all this, I went to the Dentist as you know, and was told that at couple of my teeth are infected at the root, the fillings are too deep and they really both need pulling out, again, I have been worrying about the gap that would be seen, the rotten infected teeth are beside each other so it would be quite a gap, its really been bothering me.
Today was dentist pull out tooth day, but I have had enough and decided to go to the doctors and talk through all my ailments, I was dreading it and in my mind I had decided that it he was going to say I couldn't work I was going to tell him he would have to have some happy pills, cos if I stay grounded I am going to go mad.
As it happened, I now have creams for my sore bits, an appointment to have my ears syringed (not going deaf after all), painkillers for my foot and instructions to go buy a support thing.
At the dentist this afternoon I had a honest conversation with my dentist about how I felt about the pending removal of teeth and a bloody great ugly gap, just cos I cant see it, don't mean it wont have a massive impact on my confidence and self esteem. For now I still have both my rotten teeth safely attached to my gum and a new dental plan that involves putting false teeth in after the extractions.
And I still managed to avoid the happy pill moment.
HOWEVER.... for a moment I thought very seriously about the prospects of being deaf and having very poor sight. This is something that at the time scared the crap out of me, and having poor hearing for the last couple of weeks has been a real lesson in survival, I am very aware that I have turned into some kind of monster with zero tolerance for anything or anyone, I have also avoided going out on my own, talking to anyone, answering the phone, in fact I have fallen into a world of silence.
Dangerous place to be, I hadn't realised how much I rely on my hearing and what a massive effect it would have on me if taken away, I mean who thinks about that? But there are folks out there who are blind and deaf, my respect, admiration and empathy goes out to these people, once again I am humbled at how people cope, I will get my earwax blasted next week and hopefully things will return to 'normal' but what about those people who are not as lucky.
I know that everyone is different and everyone coping mechanisms are different, for me now I would find it very difficult to remain positive , so many doors would start to close to what is already a limited life, I am sure I would need a very strong support unit around me, and I hope that is what is out there for people. In my mind I have a very clear cut vision of what support should look like for people, but in reality I know its far from the rosy pleasant image in my head, and this makes me sad.
All of the stress I have been under is sort of self inflicted, as all I had to do was go to the Doctor and I already feel that I am behaving more like myself and the gloom that's been over my head is starting to lift.
This afternoon, as I sat with my foot up, I watched Ralph playing happily with his blanket, he made me smile and I realised how much I have missed just lately with being self absorbed. I am so looking forward to having my ears syringed next week, I don't like the drops you have to put in to your ears, but mostly I hate not being able to hear what's going on around me, I hate how everything seems different, and I hate how my balance gets put out, but what I like is that I have you guys to share my moaning and groaning with, so THANKS FOR LISTENING xx
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