Am I a Burden?

Good morning everyone,
I have been trying to re write the 'All about me' blog.
But its much harder than I thought it would be, I have written and deleted it four times this week, I have walked away and come back to it, but it just wont flow like it usually does!
Although, its hard to write about yourself positively when you feel so crappy! I still have niggling tooth ache where the old teeth used to be, so I suppose that's sort of phantom tooth ache!
Seriously, last week I felt so awful. On Thursday the sun shone here and made me feel more motivated, I pottered around the house with Ralph following me from room to room hoping for one of our long walks.
It took me all morning to change the sheets on the three beds in our house, stuff them in the washing machine and peg them on the line, bending down is a  real bitch and sends a dull throbbing ache through my gums, so I balanced the washing basket on the edge of the fish pond to save bending.
Mid afternoon I noticed Ralph sitting by the front door making these stupid whimpering noises so I caved in and took him for a very slow walk, the sun was beautiful, I was glad to be outside and I started to feel much better.
Friday I thought I would go back to work, I only managed until lunch time, I felt so rubbish I came home.
My girl had tickets to see All Time Low on Friday night, a musical band, Christ that makes me sound like a old lady, I say musical as I am not sure what category it comes under...rock...punk...pop, I dunno!
Anyway the concert was in Brixton London, and months ago I had booked a hotel for us in Finsbury Park, its so much cheaper than central London, with the idea that my youngest and I would go into London after school, drop our bags into the hotel and then go meet my eldest daughter from college, have a bit of a mooch around, go for dinner, back to the hotel, shower, change, they would go off to the concert and I would sit in the bar....Toothache had better ideas....we got on a half empty train at Arlesey and before the train had passed the end of the platform, I was asleep, and I don't mean, gently dosing with my eyes closed, I mean full on snoring my head off, dribble trickling down my chin, the sort of sleep you have on a Sunday afternoon when you are stuffed full of roast dinner and have had a glass of wine or two.
When I woke up as we approached Finsbury Park I noticed these four blokes sitting in silence, looking at each other, they looked shell shocked, so I just smiled and said as I picked up my bag....best 40 minute kip I've had for days, and hurriedly got off the train, I did notice that my youngest daughter who was sat on the other side of the seats pretended she wasn't with me!
I could feel these blokes watching me as the train left and moved past me, well, everyone snores at some point right?
Then, I realised that I had no idea where I was going, luckily eldest daughter was on the ball and met us at the exit of the station and marched us off in the beautiful sunshine into the not so sunny parts of Finsbury Park, now I know why the hotel was so much cheaper, the Arsenal shop or whatever it is, is the shiniest building and sort of stands out like a sore thumb.
Anyway, we found the hotel, then our room and then this.....

I know the photo is a bit rubbish, but it was the biggest bed I have ever seen, and all mine!! There was a big television on the wall in front of it, and in the bathroom, there was a actual big bath!!

My evening plans started to look cosy.

We went to our favourite Wagamammas in Islington for a early tea, I am so familiar with this restaurant, and that's the problem, you become so familiar that the thought of trying somewhere else seems impossible. I know where the loo's are, I know I don't have to move once I am sat, and there is this massive glass window at the front which lets in so much natural light. It is also a quiet restaurant, well I mean, you don't really get other noises that are distractions, they don't have loud intrusive music playing like some restaurants do, and the staff are always helpful, quiet and attentive, actually considering there is a cinema, a music venue and a busy road beside the restaurant, the noise level is very good.

The menu, however is too small to read, and this makes me order the same thing each time, having said that, Wagamammas has been the only large chain restaurant to offer magnifiers that I have found so far...I didn't need a menu or a magnifier on Friday to order rice and curry sauce, as that's all my mouth could manage.

After the meal we nipped across to a little Sainsbury and picked up some chocolate and drinks then made our way back to the hotel, 5.30pm, on a Friday in London on the tubes.....I don't think I need to say anymore than that really!!

My eldest has now acquired a 'London mode' where she joins the rest of the commuting community and barrels along, alert at every single thing, noticing breaks in the crowd and running up and down escalators, sadly, I cannot keep up and began to feel a little useless as she started barking orders to, keep up, mind the step and if we get separated just get on the next tube and she will wait for me..WTF..I am the Mummy SHE is the daughter, i am supposed to be the one taking care of them, yet here we are, roles reversed.

When back at the hotel, the girls had gone off together into the night to the concert, and I was laying on the massive bed, all alone, I began wondering about families and the impact of disabilities on siblings, parents and other members of the family.

I work with children who have all different kinds of disabilities and see some families who appear to be very tight knit, but do you really know what is going on in the minds of the brothers and sisters of these children.

For me, and from my point of view I have always been very independent so letting someone else take the lead, especially my children, was exceptionally hard, don't get me wrong, I am very proud of the confidence and knowledge my children show toward my disability, my youngest always tells me when there is steps approaching and will walk in front of me counting them so I know how many there are, they seem to have taken to helping me naturally, and they seem to understand the right balance of support.

I worry about turning into a burden to both my girls and my partner, I worry a lot about the future and will not let my children look after me, they have their own lives to live and nothing will make me prouder than to here them achieving all the things they strive for, and the same for my partner, I and my disability will not hold him back from opportunities that may arise as we go along, even if that means growing old alone, i am scared of resentment and rejection, and can often feel myself wanting to run away from those emotions.

Again as I laid sprawled on the bed, its another one of those situations where, if you think about it too much or for too long it drives you mad, and you end up alone, sour and hating the world and its injustices, or you pull yourself together and look at what it really is, does it really matter if my Daughter takes charge while we are out in the middle of London on a Friday afternoon, she does it every week, week in and week out, she know London like she knows the back of her hand, I however go maybe four or five times a year, and not often in rush hour! 

So, maybe, just maybe, the look on her face isn't that of, mum, you are a pain in the arse, you walk too slow and you are always getting in the way  but a look of, I can see you hate this mum, let me try and get you to somewhere that you feel safer as quickly as we can.

Then I began to think about all my friends, and how they behave around me, I always think they must think I am a burden to them, that looking out for me is the last thing they want to be doing, life is hard enough for people without considering which place will be best for me to sit, or where can we go out where I will be most comfortable, do you understand what I mean?

Its easy to fall into a trap of thinking that you are a burden to you family and friends that are around you, but put yourself in their shoes, you would do exactly the same for some one you love or like to be with.

Thinking you are a burden will always be there, some days will be worse than others and some situations will be worse, my partner has a driving job, he is on the road for long hours, so when he comes back I don't feel like I can say, oh can you take me..where ever!

Thinking you are a burden, will grow inside you and turn into something that stops you asking for help, stops you going out to meet your friends and controls your state of mind, ensuring that your self esteem hits rock bottom and stays there.

I think there is only one way to conquer this, and that is to acknowledge it, thank people for letting you sit in the place with the most light, thank them for telling you there is a step approaching. Accept that you do need help but that doesn't make you a burden, I am not a doctor and I don't have any experience in mental health, but as far as I can see, being honest with yourself and talking about the way you feel to the people around you is better than any pill a doctor prescribes.

So, lets think about it for a second, are YOU a burden?

NO, you are a person, people need to rely on others from time to time, whether you have a disability or not, its how you look at yourself that matters, and anyone who does consider you as a burden has no place in your life, out with the negative in with the positive...please!

well, I am off to try and balance the washing basket on the fish pond again as the sun is shining through my bedroom window and telling me to get up.

I know I only really talk a little into some of the emotions and thoughts I have, and I hope you all get a little something for the rubbish I write, but this is a issue that overwhelms me and I do have major issues with it, it is so hard to keep a positive train of thought when you have been so independent in the past and now find you have to rely on others and their good will, and the people who love you and care about you will always want to help you, don't push them away.

Speak soon xx