Well, here we go again, I just spent a hour trying to write the 'All about me', and I still cant get it right, I think its because I find it hard to stay on track, and keep it focused on me, I am writing and then something jogs my memory and I go off telling you a story.
Perhaps I should try writing it in stages!
This week has been awful, you know its the holidays when you get ill!
I have been so short tempered all week and every time I took Ralph out for his walk I would need a nap when I got back then didn't have the energy to do anything for the rest of the day.
As the week wore on I acquired a delightful hacking cough and a dull ache in my kidneys, I found I really had to push myself to even walk Ralph around the garden let alone our usual trek across the fields. yesterday I felt like someone was standing on my chest so I took myself to the doctors where it was decided that I have a chest infection and a urine infection, so I am now popping antibiotics for the next seven days.
As I have been sitting about a lot, I checked out a couple of other bloggers who write about sight loss and their personal journeys, and I am now feeling very inadequate, some of the writing others have written is outstanding and really interesting. I am feeling ashamed at feeling proud of myself!
I have definitely been knocked down a peg or two, and my confidence is shot! I have a lot of admiration
for these bloggers and wish I could produce writing to their standard.
But then I suppose it comes down to the same old thing, our natural insecurities and willingness to compare ourselves to others at every opportunity.
Even so I have been, once again, considering calling time on Diary of a blind lady, life just seems so muddled at the moment.
Mixed in with all this rubbish going around in my head, we had a unfortunate incident on Monday night at 1am involving three, errr, disruptive adults, shall we call them, who are living near us. They were clearly under the influence, and this led to a lot of screaming, fighting and smashing things up, they calmed down at about 2am, there was the sound of squealing tyres and then silence.
But, then I couldn't sleep, my contact lenses were in the solution for the night so I only had my glasses to help me see.
All the while the fighting had been going on I hadn't dared to turn on the bedroom light, I sleep with my curtains and bedroom window open as I love to feel the cool air through the window and there is nothing more special than your room being illuminated by the moon, and the moon, this week, has been spectacular.
This is the down side to living without another adult in the house, suddenly I am responsible for the safety of my girls, and I didn't feel safe, if I yelled out of the window at them I would be offering myself and my family up for all sorts of abuse, if I went outside to try and talk to them it would be very likely that I would end up with a punch on the nose, so I laid in my bed willing them to sod off.
I must have dosed off at about 3.30am, but was woken at 4am by someone hammering on my front door, Ralph was going ballistic down stairs in his bed. I gabbed my glasses and pressed them close against my eyes, I pushed my face up against my daughters bedroom window at the front of the house, I could see two figures dressed in black standing at my front door, with the street lights behind them and the fact that I couldn't see them, I had no change of seeing who they were.....Do I answer the door? I don't mind telling you that I was scared, what happens if I open the door and there's a couple of druggies standing on my mat wanting to have a go at me for watching them through the bedroom window while they were beating the crap out of each other and trashing the area around them, even though I couldn't see them!
I was frozen to the spot, starting to sweat and feel sick, what should I do? I pushed my face against the window again and they started to walk away, I sprang away from the window like it had burnt me, terrified they might look up at the window and see me. They walked around the side of the houses, so I ran back to my room and did the whole squidging my face against the window again, the two black shadows walked under another street light and got into a police car....balls, they were coppers!
I knew there was no way I was going to reach them safely before they drove away, so I stood there in the middle of the bedroom and listened to their car pull away, I sat on the bed and then started to panic, What if their visit wasn't related to the disruptive adults? What if someone in my family had been in a accident? and I had ignored the door, what the hell should I do?
I was frightened again so I laid back on the bed expecting the phone to ring, but I was to unsettled to fall back to sleep until the sun started to rise at about 6am.
I had been asleep an hour when the police came back, their visit was related to the stupid drugged-up idiots, they wanted to know what I had seen........nothing...I saw NOTHING!! But now you are at my front door, the idiots will think I saw something. For two days after the police visit, I have been on high alert, checking doors and the back gate are locked, shutting all the curtains in the house as soon as it gets dark.
How do people manage who are blind and living on their own, how completely disorientating, distressing and frightening would that be to have such disruption outside their homes let alone someone hammering on your front door at a ridiculous time of the morning.
My faith in human nature has slipped, I worry for all those people on their own, as it happened, it was my neighbour who called the police, but for some reason they knocked on my door instead of hers.
I would like to hope this kind of thing doesn't happen much but I think that would be naïve of me, it upsets me a lot, and then I get cross, how dare someone make a person feel unsafe in their own home, with or without a disability your home is somewhere that you should feel safe.
What troubles me the most is there is nothing we can do to stop this from happening, I am assured that the council will move these people on, but where too?
and now I am worrying about who will be put in their place!
I know right now I am feeling unwell, grumpy, old, fed up and my self esteem has gone on holiday...but tomorrow is Easter Sunday...and you get to Eat loads of chocolate....Monday I will pull myself together, put last week down as a loss and move on, if I let all these things get me down, the crappy situations are winning, crappy situations will not get me down, besides I have a very important meeting next week and the passport office has said my renewed passport is on its way back, so its time to start thinking about holidays!...you never know, I might find my self esteem.
Have a lovely Easter everyone, I am off to the garden centre to look for flowers for the garden.
Speak Soon xx
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