Worry

Hi everyone, I just wanted to talk to you about this photograph I took on my mobile phone a few weeks ago....

So, this was at the end of a dog walk with my Daughter, Ralph and one of the dogs she was looking after. As we crossed the bridge the sun was setting and the sky was a magnificent colour, we stood on the bridge for a few minutes just watching one of life's naturally beautiful scenes. It looks darker in this photo than it actually was, the air was warm and there were swans swimming up the river, we were talking about how fantastic nature is and as we turned to walk back to the car it hit me. Like a cold hand slapped hard across my face, What if I never see another sight like this again? How will I cope? I want to see these things. Panic began to overwhelm me and I began to cry, big fat silent tears rolling down my podgy cheeks. I felt so sad, I don't want to miss the things there are to see. 

That evening has stayed with me ever since, it is always at the back of my mind that it could be the last time that I actually see particular thing. It has made me really sad and I think about it a lot. That is until this week when I went to cognitive behaviour therapy. Now, earlier in the week my partner and I had chatted about it and he said I should stop worrying about what might happen because I am missing what is happening now.

But at my first CBT session that should have been 50 minutes long and I was still in there 80 minutes later,  one of the issues that were addressed was the amount of worrying I do. I was shown in a very clear manner that worrying is a complete waste of time and energy. We all do it, but what's the point in it? It makes us feel sick, we cant concentrate, we get cranky and moody, so why do we do it? Why do we let ourselves become so completely focused on worrying about something that everything else passes us by? Some people are programmed to worry more than others, or so you would think, but since my session I have been looking at things differently. Its no good saying life isn't as easy as not worrying, because actually it is! AND not worrying doesn't mean you don't care, it means you have the confidence to deal with what happens with the problem. You see, take the problem.....think about the thing that is worrying you....can you do anything about it...(from here things can go two ways)....YES, I can do something about it....so bloody well get off your arse and do something about it then...OR NO there is nothing I can to about the thing which is worrying me, SO if you cant do anything about it WTF are you worrying about it for??

I don't want you all to sit there reading this and saying ohhh IF ONLY IT WAS THAT EASY...it is that easy.

There is nothing I can do about the possibility of never seeing a beautiful sight as in that photo again, but there is fudge all that can be done about that, and the sooner I stop worrying about that the sooner I will be able to enjoy what is going on around me. 

Retraining the way we think is huge, and will only work if you want it too, no one is going to do it for you, you have to work it yourself. I do feel that a weight has been lifted, and I have been approaching the things that worry me differently. It doesn't mean that I don't worry about them, it means as soon as I realise something is worrying me I mentally put it in a category of yes I will deal with it, nope theres nothing I can do so bugger off out of my head until there is something I can do about it.

For example...I got a problem with my council tax, they sent me a bill for £700, I cant afford to pay it, I have been worrying myself stupid over it, can I do anything about it? YES, ring them and tell them I cant pay it, they have sorted out a repayment plan for me, job done, sorted. Being prepared for loosing more of the sight I have is a different matter, but with the same out come, I literally cannot do anything about it, so each day I Open my eyes and the sight hasn't got worse is a blessing, I know it will get worse but worrying about it is a complete waste of precious time.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend xx

Doctors orders!

Hi Everyone, another week has passed and I don't really know where it went!  My visit to the doctor last Tuesday ended in a possible referral for a chiropodist, apparently these days there is a very small criteria in which you must fit in order to have someone chop your toe nails, and it seems being sight impaired is not one of them. So despite the massive emotional and soul destroying step it took for me to totally admit that I cannot longer make out my own toe nails in order to cut them, I discover that I don't fit in under any of the labels on the doctors list, luckily for me my Doctor didn't care much for lists and sent a referral anyway with a letter explaining that she felt the list was actually crap.
She also had a long chat with me about all the things that might happen after I have been to see the consultant, she made me feel very reassured and there have been times this week when I wish I could have recorded our conversation to play back each time I felt the doubt and feelings of being out of control come back, she gave me lecture about worrying...DONT WORRY!! Its all very well for her sitting behind her desk, looking at me and passing the box of tissues and telling me not to worry...I am worrying about everything, I worry about what is going to happen, I worry about not being able to work, I worry about all the people that I work with,I worry what people will think of me, I worry that people will leave me behind, I worry I will be a burden on my family, I worry that I make everyone else worry, I worry about what my eyes will look like, I worry about what sort of sight I will be left with....but its OK the Doctor says don't worry, so I wont....yeah right!!
She also gave me a talk about the difference between depression and grief, and she says, as I already know, I am grieving, grieving is supposed to make me sad, I am supposed to cry, I am supposed to feel guilty every time I laugh, I am supposed to get caught up in a moment which is so beautiful it makes me so happy only for to be turned to sadness a second later as I wonder if I will ever 'see' this moment again.
So, no I will not be prescribed any little pills that will take the sadness away, or numb me from the pain I feel in my heart, because apparently time will help , and allowing me and my body to go through the process will help. The Doctor did give me some fantastic little yellow pills for the terrible head aches I have started getting. The trouble is, if I wake up and feel good, feel positive and like my 'old self', I try to act like my 'old self', and pack too much in to the day or try to push myself too hard, this then leads to a 'crash' and I am exhausted, cry a lot and end up with blinding head aches. Saturday Morning I woke up with a thumping head ache, it felt like someone was scratching the inside of my skull with a wire brush and pulling my eye balls out with sharp finger nails, every time I moved my head forward I could feel the contents of my stomach rushing forward, and I spent too long lying in bed wondering if I was sick the pain might go away, but I am a wimp when it comes to being sick,  after I had finished wondering if I could get my head off the pillow long enough to get down stairs and get a drink I remembered the little yellow pills. Just one little yellow pill, that's all, within half and hour I could sit up and felt semi normal.....trouble is now that I know I have these little pills, I am sort of more dare devil with myself because I am confident that I can remove the pain BUT I have my Mums
voice constantly ringing in the back of my head saying....Prevention is better than cure Lynda....So I only climbed the ladder once this weekend to clean the gutter on the conservatory AND you will be pleased to know I even asked someone to help me!!!....YEAH HELP!! See I can ask for help after all.
Today was  a struggle, nothing to do with my mood, but something I could do nothing about, the very lovely storm 'Ophelia' brought some very strange weather, and visibility was terrible for regular sighted folk let alone us wonky sighted peeps, I found the heat as Ralph and I went for our morning walk really oppressive, the wind was so strong a couple of times I wondered if I should put Ralph back on his lead as I had a vision of him flying through the air like a little balloon!
By the time we got home the sky had gone dark and we were covered with a cloud of dust brought in from southern Europe and Africa via Ophelia. Too dark for sun glasses and too bright to go without them. 

The little dot was a big eerie looking sun, these photos don't really do it justice. 

Anyway, tomorrow I start the first of the cognitive behaviour therapy sessions, I will let you know how they go, and my consultants secretary contacted with me a date, 23rd Nov, if there is one thing I have learnt, its go to these appointments armed with questions, so I have written them all down and will be expecting answers!.....well, hopefullyxx 

Waking up grumpy

Today I woke up feeling like I just didn't want to be bothered with anything and I seriously considered asking the Doctor at my appointment tomorrow to give me something to help me with these low days, I dragged myself out of bed and went through my usual morning routine, contact lenses in, brush teeth, go down stairs and tidy up after the night before and think about what to do for tea.
As I was standing at the kitchen window gazing out at my overgrown garden, Ralph came and pressed his nose against my leg, I gave him a fuss and told him we were going for a walk. I ran upstairs and chucked on my dog walking attire and came running back down the stairs, noticing very briefly my reflection in the mirror, I stopped realising that I have seen better dressed tramps, I wondered if I should change but Ralph was sitting by the front door, so I thought bugger it, and put my wellies on and off we went. As we walked....I thought....I did a lot of thinking and before I knew it two hours had passed and we had walked the best part of ten miles.
My mood had begun to morph into something less self destructive and I begun to notice my surroundings...I know that might sound odd, but you know when you are in a shitty mood you don't really notice anything around you, many times I have stomped through the countryside in such a foul mood that I could have been walking down a motorway!! Sometimes you have to force yourself to stop and weigh up what's really important. Ralph led the way and I followed, trying to empty my brain of all negativity, and it worked I soon realised I was chatting away to Ralph about the size of crows and why some dogs just don't want to be friends with him, he trotted along beside me looking up at me every now and then with a look that said...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT WOMAN, I AM A BLOODY DOG, ALL I CARE ABOUT IS WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET AND PULL OUT ANOTHER TASTY TREAT...by the time we got home my mood had lifted and we were both shattered, Ralph of course found the sofa and curled up like a pretzel and slept all afternoon while I had a bath, nipped to the post office, cleaned up the kitchen (again) made lunch and a coffee cake, oh and cleaned up the kitchen, put some washing on the line then twenty minutes later had to get it back in again as I could hear rain on the conservatory roof, but now I feel relaxed again. I don't want anyone to think that I am putting down needing a little help with getting through this difficult time, my difficult time isn't a patch on what some people go through and we are all different, we all cope with the shit life throws at us differently, I was lucky today that the exercise did improve my mood, and I know that exercise helps..bla, bla, bla. But the truth is, if I hadn't have had Ralph, I wouldn't have gone out, therefore the mood would have got darker, not everyone is as lucky as I am, and tomorrow I will discuss with my Doctor about having something to get me through, and I will not see it as a failure, I will see it as acceptance that some days are just harder than others, and that in a perfect world we could all just snap the lead on the dog and walk in the sunshine around the beautiful countryside or pick up the phone and there will be someone on the other line who has got nothing better to do than listen to the wining and moaning of a 45 year old woman who got out of bed the wrong side, I know in comparison to some people, what is happening to me is massive, BUT it isn't, life could be a whole lot worse...and whatever happens, I will still be me, I wont let it win, although I am realistic and now understand that making sight loss secondary might need a little tweeking as I now understand the need for a 'balance', to keep me safe, make life easier, let others see and understand me. I am now going to join Ralph and have a quick afternoon nap, I leave you with a photo of a beautiful flower we found on our walk this morning...well, I thought it was beautiful, I have no idea what it is and Ralph found it excellent to pee up..
Speak soon x

And a snoozing boy....

Healing

Good morning everyone, I am back from a few days away at my friends in Suffolk......wait there, the washing machine just finished and I need to hang it on the line (not the washing machine, I mean the washing).....right, I am back, I swear it takes me longer each time....anyway, On Tuesday morning my lovely friend drove all the way from Suffolk to pick me up and then drive all the way back, Daughter number two had forgotten to take some paperwork she needed to take into college so my friend and I did a detour and met the daughter for lunch so I could pass on the paperwork. We had lunch and the student made her way back to college and my friend and I started to make our way back to the car, I am not sure why but I suddenly remembered Mum telling me that the weather was going to turn cold, which triggered a depressing realisation that I had forgotten to pack a jumper. So into Tesco we go and I find a thick pink jumper perfect for the job, we made our way to the self service check out, I paid for the jumper and went to leave, totally not realising there was a security tag on it which set off the alarm, back I go and a member of staff removed the tag and held the jumper out for me to take, she didn't speak so I didn't see her holding the jumper towards me, my friend stepped in and took the jumper and we left, but not before I had seen the significance of using my cane, I could see the member of staff but when she held out the jumper it was right in the middle of the blurry spot, so lesson learnt, I defo need to use the cane more.
As we sped along the motorway I began to feel more and more relaxed and as we approached the Orwell bridge my friend suggested we go and look at the food hall and café that is under the bridge, the bridge its self is a fantastic structure as you drive over it but you cant see the Orwell river from the bridge, however underneath the bridge is simply beautiful...this time I used my cane and we walked around the food hall and stopped for refreshments in the café with no problems. 

Already the quiet open space was making me feel relaxed, there wasn't many people about and although there was tones of traffic going over the bridge you couldn't really hear it, there were boats moving up and down the river and plenty of places to sit and watch.

Next stop, my friend house, this house has a very calm feeling about it, you know some houses you go into its just busy and loud, even when there is no one at home, this house and the people who live in it radiate calmness, and so I took my position and didn't move for the rest of the evening...

Wednesday we woke up to sunny skies and high winds and a sonic boom from a military plane which was escorting a plane into a London airport, it was a massive sound and shook the house!
We spent the day shopping, eating, walking and eating again...ohh and a lot of talking.
We had a lovely day, and as it got dark we drove into Felixstowe to do what we always do when we go to Felixstowe, check out the pier, walk along the front and run on the beach in the dark.
But this time things were different, Felixstowe pier has been 'done up' and now is a bright, beautiful and clean building with neon changing lights on the outside which light up the little bit of pier that is accessible, we brought chips and walked around the outside along to the back of the pier looking out to sea, I don't know what came over me, maybe because it was the first time since my sight had got worse that I was out in the dark or maybe it was the sound of the sea smashing against the underneath of the pier, whatever the reason, I was really frightened, I felt like the dark was touching my face and I couldn't breath, the noise of the sea was deafening...well to me it was. I just needed to get off, I used to be able to supress these feelings, in fact I am not sure I have ever felt that frightened, it annoyed me but I had to say I needed to get off the pier, my friends are so understanding and helped me to get my feet back on concrete.
I wanted to do all the things we used to do, and the coloured lights which hung all along the sea front looked so beautiful, I wanted to walk along the front, but I just couldn't do it, again, maybe it was because the neon lights of the pier were so bright that it made the dark darker or simply that it was just too much. I hadn't wanted to use my cane in the dark as I feel that I become vulnerable, an easy target for someone wanting to steal my bag, whatever the reason I wasn't comfortable and wanted to get back in the car and cry.
We did get back in the car and I didn't cry, my friends drove me down to Felixstowe port where there is a little car park where you can sit and watch all the ships come in, unload and reload and sail away...obviously its not done that quickly and we sat and watched the cranes lift these massive containers off the ship, I began to calm down as my friend chatted through the process of how the port works and I even got out of the car and stood watching the lights of the other ships getting ready to come in, behind us there were lorries trundling in and out but you couldn't hear them, all I could hear was the sea, this sea sounded different to the sea under the pier, and I felt safer, when we left the carpark we drove around looking at the factories all lit up, some still buzzing with activity others all locked up for the night.
We got back to the house and I immediately put on my PJ's and got tucked up under a blanket and we tried to understand why I got so emotional, in the end we came to the conclusion that we didn't know and trying to understand it is a waste of time, as all I am doing is thinking about things that HAVE happened rather than the things I am doing now, I did find the port really interesting so it was all good in the end.

Thursday I did what I came to do, my friend, her husband and I had a lovely day, we went out to breakfast in this little barn café, then we drove to shingle street....Shingle street is a place of natural beauty, and oh my god, its beautiful, its constantly changing, breath taking, clam, peaceful but loud, and for me has healing qualities that you cant find in many places.

As you walk back over the shingle the marshes stretch out infront of you, we walked along for miles seeing nothing only a few other dog walkers, listening to the sea gulls and breathing in the fresh air, I stood still just letting the silence and the beauty of the country around me envelope me, such a enchanting place.

 And then we drove to Woodbridge tidal mill and we walked along the river Deben so I could get my fix of tinkling boats, There is nothing that pleases me more than the sound of boats when the masts chink together and the sound of the water slapping on the side of boats, another pleasing place.

After sitting watching the boats we decided the perfect way to end the afternoon was...CAKE, we went to this little chapel what had be turned into a café where I had the best orange and chocolate cake ever.

That evening my friend and I went to see a friend of our that we used to work with, we had a lovely meal which he cooked and chatted a lot.

Friday I came home feeling relaxed and ready for whatever happens next.

Thank you Pam, Martin, Jane and John for putting me back where I need to be.

Lots of love xx

Coffee morning date

Here we are everyone, arriving in October already! I am quite glad to see the back of September and can only hope October is a better month. 
I love Autumn, I love the smells, the crisper mornings and warm afternoons, I love the leaves changing colour and falling from the trees. The darker evenings are perhaps not so nice but its a very good excuse to be in your PJ's by 4pm.
Friday morning I woke up to the relaxing sound of rain drumming on the conservatory roof, no-one had to get up this morning so I stayed put until the rain slowly stopped, then I dragged some clothes on and slowly wondered around the block with Ralph, on our trip we met a little girl who was screeching and leaping off her scooter, when I asked her Mum why she was so excited so early in the morning, Mum pointed at the pavement and said 'Slugs'.....I waited until Mum and Daughter had walked away down the road before I checked the bottom of my wellies, there was NO way I had managed to miss every single slug on our walk, there was nothing I could do about it but I did try to walk more carefully, not for the slugs sake but for the thought of having slug squidged to the bottom of my boots.
Then I remembered that it was the Macmillan coffee morning and my friends were taking me to the event at the school where I work, suddenly the thought of stomping on the slugs left my mind and I focused on getting home quicker. My friends arrived just as I was having a full blown paddy over the fact that I couldn't find my boots in the dark shoe cupboard, So I was rescued from throwing all the coats and shoes out of the cupboard by a calm reasoning voice, problem solved.
I had a special table at the coffee morning, one that was away from all the other tables to give me space AND room to receive cuddles from the beautiful new babies, it was perfect, I didn't get up for anything, and was told firmly a couple of times as the room became much more busier...'DONT MOVE' ...I didn't move, I couldn't move, it was so busy but I had three tiny babies to focus on, however when it was time to leave I was more than ready. 
When I got home I sat on the sofa and waited for my head to stop buzzing and spinning, then I put my PJ's back on and cuddled up on the sofa and slept most of the day away. How can spending and hour or so at a coffee morning exhaust me so much? It frustrates me to think about it, but that's how life is at the moment, I do something then have to sleep for hours to get over it.
Late afternoon I began to feel guilty that I had done nothing around the house so I began to potter about just moving crap from one place to another, then I thought I should do something a little more pro-active, so up stairs I go, loft hatch open, ladder deployed and up I go on a mission, one, to turn off the tap which supply's water to the outside tap as I do every winter to prevent a burst pipe, and two, to bring down the suitcase which was full of Daughter number one's winter clothes and coats. 
The tap was turned off with no problems at all, but as I moved around dragging the suitcase towards the open hatch, the wheel of the suitcase catches the wire of the one and only light I have in the loft, which as you would expect falls and breaks, now I am in complete darkness, I sit there for a few seconds thinking...F**K, F**K, F**K IT ALL, my brain wont let me leave the suitcase, so there I am trying to drag the bloody suitcase towards the hatch in the dark, then it happens, my foot gets caught on something, I don't know how I didn't fall down the hatch and to be honest I am trying not to dwell on it too much as it was definitely one of those situations where things could have ended up so differently. By now the youngest Daughter had appeared at the bottom of the ladder and after giving me the biggest bollocking ever she helps me down the ladder....with the dam suitcase!
Today I walked Ralph with my friend in the rain and mud, where we laughed a lot about the loft incident and the solar light trimming incident, and we put the world to rights, we have such a good stomp that I hadn't realised that my little dog is so very low to the ground and the underside of him was caked in mud and he looked like a drowned rat. 
Never fear, bath time was near....and man does he hate a bath, but check out this sparkling little chap now xx