Doctors orders!

Hi Everyone, another week has passed and I don't really know where it went!  My visit to the doctor last Tuesday ended in a possible referral for a chiropodist, apparently these days there is a very small criteria in which you must fit in order to have someone chop your toe nails, and it seems being sight impaired is not one of them. So despite the massive emotional and soul destroying step it took for me to totally admit that I cannot longer make out my own toe nails in order to cut them, I discover that I don't fit in under any of the labels on the doctors list, luckily for me my Doctor didn't care much for lists and sent a referral anyway with a letter explaining that she felt the list was actually crap.
She also had a long chat with me about all the things that might happen after I have been to see the consultant, she made me feel very reassured and there have been times this week when I wish I could have recorded our conversation to play back each time I felt the doubt and feelings of being out of control come back, she gave me lecture about worrying...DONT WORRY!! Its all very well for her sitting behind her desk, looking at me and passing the box of tissues and telling me not to worry...I am worrying about everything, I worry about what is going to happen, I worry about not being able to work, I worry about all the people that I work with,I worry what people will think of me, I worry that people will leave me behind, I worry I will be a burden on my family, I worry that I make everyone else worry, I worry about what my eyes will look like, I worry about what sort of sight I will be left with....but its OK the Doctor says don't worry, so I wont....yeah right!!
She also gave me a talk about the difference between depression and grief, and she says, as I already know, I am grieving, grieving is supposed to make me sad, I am supposed to cry, I am supposed to feel guilty every time I laugh, I am supposed to get caught up in a moment which is so beautiful it makes me so happy only for to be turned to sadness a second later as I wonder if I will ever 'see' this moment again.
So, no I will not be prescribed any little pills that will take the sadness away, or numb me from the pain I feel in my heart, because apparently time will help , and allowing me and my body to go through the process will help. The Doctor did give me some fantastic little yellow pills for the terrible head aches I have started getting. The trouble is, if I wake up and feel good, feel positive and like my 'old self', I try to act like my 'old self', and pack too much in to the day or try to push myself too hard, this then leads to a 'crash' and I am exhausted, cry a lot and end up with blinding head aches. Saturday Morning I woke up with a thumping head ache, it felt like someone was scratching the inside of my skull with a wire brush and pulling my eye balls out with sharp finger nails, every time I moved my head forward I could feel the contents of my stomach rushing forward, and I spent too long lying in bed wondering if I was sick the pain might go away, but I am a wimp when it comes to being sick,  after I had finished wondering if I could get my head off the pillow long enough to get down stairs and get a drink I remembered the little yellow pills. Just one little yellow pill, that's all, within half and hour I could sit up and felt semi normal.....trouble is now that I know I have these little pills, I am sort of more dare devil with myself because I am confident that I can remove the pain BUT I have my Mums
voice constantly ringing in the back of my head saying....Prevention is better than cure Lynda....So I only climbed the ladder once this weekend to clean the gutter on the conservatory AND you will be pleased to know I even asked someone to help me!!!....YEAH HELP!! See I can ask for help after all.
Today was  a struggle, nothing to do with my mood, but something I could do nothing about, the very lovely storm 'Ophelia' brought some very strange weather, and visibility was terrible for regular sighted folk let alone us wonky sighted peeps, I found the heat as Ralph and I went for our morning walk really oppressive, the wind was so strong a couple of times I wondered if I should put Ralph back on his lead as I had a vision of him flying through the air like a little balloon!
By the time we got home the sky had gone dark and we were covered with a cloud of dust brought in from southern Europe and Africa via Ophelia. Too dark for sun glasses and too bright to go without them. 

The little dot was a big eerie looking sun, these photos don't really do it justice. 

Anyway, tomorrow I start the first of the cognitive behaviour therapy sessions, I will let you know how they go, and my consultants secretary contacted with me a date, 23rd Nov, if there is one thing I have learnt, its go to these appointments armed with questions, so I have written them all down and will be expecting answers!.....well, hopefullyxx