Conclusions

I have concluded this week that sometimes consultants and/or doctors expect you to read between their lines, understand all their medical jargon and to 100% understand what they have told you as you leave their consulting room, they also expect you to remember all the medical jargon which you don't really understand from the minute you lift your backside off of the seat all the way home into your living room. Sometimes you take another pair of ears with you in the hope that the adult attached to the ears might understand the jargon better than you, and if not, well, your in trouble really.
Today I am actually fed up with this not being able to see feck all crap, and the reason is, yesterday I received a letter from Moorfields concluding the findings of my appointment last Thursday. 
If I quickly remind you that last September the hospital said they had found a hole in the Macular of my left eye and it was at full thickness. I spent the next three months in tatters and a blubbering mess at the thought of a very dark and fuzzy future. Then I was told on my next visit in November that, HEYYYY Nope, that was a mis-diagnosis and its just a massive floater which we can remove but it would be a really big risk, off you pop for another three months sitting at home doing feck all and wait to see if the floater moves on its own.
Don't get me wrong, without these guys and their teams, firstly I wouldn't have had so much fun, but secondly and more importantly they were there when I needed them most, they knew what needed to be done and they got on with it, I have trust and respect for them beyond words, BUT they their ability to translate what they are saying from their educated mouths to my uneducated ears is shocking. I came away understanding four words...no hole...big floater. I was happy. And when the letter came from the hospital giving their findings, I never even glanced at it and just filed it away with all the other Moorfields related bits of paper. 
But yesterday a week after my third appointment in less than six months, the letter plops on my door mat. 
But yesterday, was a sad day for our family and because we had all cried a lot, I had removed my contact lenses and was looking for a distraction. With my glasses on I can read better if I hold the paper close to my face, much better than I can with my contact lenses in, in truth I think its fair to say I cant read or retain any information with my contacts in.
So there I sit on the sofa, Ralph curled up one side of me knowing something is dreadfully wrong, a confused number two daughter sitting the other side of me with a million questions and expecting honest answers so when they both dosed off the Moorfields letter seemed a happy relief from the age old question...'what happens after someone dies Mum?'
Sitting there with the paper pressed to my nose I start reading, name, address, hospital number......bla bla bla, Diagnosis: High Myopia...yep I know that. Bilateral posterior vitreous detachment with Weiss rings...What the actual F**k, so I turn to good old Google, and from what I can make out after reading through loads of stuff, its to do with the jelly in the eye detaching and guess what, its has left something called a lamellar hole, which is certainly no-where near the scale of a Macular hole, but nether the less at no point was a hole, lamellar or not mentioned to me at the appointment, (or so I thought) there is also something called macular shisis...don't ask me, I have no bloody clue.The next thing on the list is..Myopic foveo-schisis-stable....which is the 'floater' and yes it certainly is stable, unlike my temper at the moment.
Then on the back of the letter there is a sentence dis charging me until any changes occur. It then lists the changes and categorises them into 'Emergency, go straight to Moorfields A&E' OR gradual deterioration, get referred back to the clinic. Charming!
I recon I must have read the letter over and over again at least ten times before I leapt up sending daughter, dog, box of tissues and a whole mountain of soggy tissues into the air as I charged off to locate the previous letters from the hospital only to find the Lamellar hole was indeed mentioned in the letter from November and I was whole heartily dismayed to realise the only part of the conversation I remember from the appointment in November are those bloody four words...no hole...big floater. Plonking myself back down on the sofa and thinking back hard to that appointment I slowly remembered some words about jelly in the eye and some other words that I don't understand. I really wish they would explain all these things a bit better, I feel so scared that there are words in that letter that I don't understand, I don't know what will happen next. I can see that a consultant is dealing with your condition not you, so they don't need to worry that you are terrified because as far as they are concerned they have discovered the diagnosis and make plans for treatment. The moment they close your file they are not concerned with how you will be getting home, or how you will manage at work or how you cope with the diagnosis they have given you, because, and quite rightly so, they have done their job. 
So I have concluded that there needs to be someone in the middle, someone you can speak to and say, errrr could you just explain that to me in a language that I understand and where can I find more information about the condition, as we all know Google isn't right all of the time. So although today has been another emotional day I have realised that the misunderstanding is my fault, I was so relieved to not have a macular hole that I didn't listen, but to back myself up it is so hard to concentrate once my eyes have been dilated because my ears just go off and do their own thing, listening to the light clicking, someone cleaning, a conversation down the corridor, my ears are tuned into anything other than what I am supposed to be listening too, in steps the pair of ears that are attached to an adult and supposed to listen on my behalf but those ears are too busy hoping that I am ok and not listening to the consultant either....I think I need to change the spare pair of ears I take with me in future!!
Tonight I am calmer and I have an appointment with my Optician on Monday morning and hopefully she will be able to help me understand it a bit more.
Next week I hope to have news about returning to work, I really would like to carry on for a few more years if I can, I miss the children and the people I work with. I miss that chatter, the banter and the feeling of belonging to a important group of people. I miss being me!
On a much brighter note...Guess who is off on another adventure to the Royal Albert Hall next Wednesday evening?? If Mum and I manage to get there and back without loosing my ticket or getting hopelessly lost I will 'eat my hat'
Have a good weekend everyone x

Recon Ralph fancies a bit of baking!