Liability

The review I wrote for the RNIB last week has been published in their on-line news letter had I have had an email saying how good they thought it was and would I like to do an radio interview about my experiences at the Royal Albert hall to see if I can help to encourage others to register an interest in attending an event. Of course, I didn't want to sound too eager so I left it a day before relying ERRRR YESSSSS! I am waiting further instructions and a date.
Once again I have been traveling the emotional rollercoaster that seems to be my life at the moment. I am so looking forward to getting back to work and have started popping in for an hour before school starts and the children come in just to, 1; have a chat and a catch up with everyone which sounds mundane and such an easy task for regular folk, but I find it exhausting concentrating on what people are sharing with me, I just wouldn't be able to manage being social as well as concentrating on the things I need to do within the classroom. 2; get familiar with my surroundings again, I have been away from work for six months, things change. The classroom is now a completely different set up to what it was in September, and as soon as I walked into the school, new carpet smell hit me...new carpets are confusing. 3; Regular folk leap out of bed in the mornings and get their act together and charge off, It doesn't matter to them that they haven't put the bins out or walked the dog, or thought about what's for tea, or made sure every thing is tidy before they leave the house and that's because these things can be done later. I spend my life anticipating and considering how I will be feeling later. Starting back to work is going to be exhausting, so I need to ensure some of the jobs are done before I go to work in order to take the pressure off later on, there are loads of things to consider, later might be too dark to walk the dog or put the bins out, the weather might change and suddenly the sun is so bright I cant see where I am walking the dog. Or what about if I come home and I have done too much and have a 'warning' head ache and need to sleep, my girls will still need feeding. I know they can cook for themselves but there are only so many times you can eat Katsu curry and gingerbread people in one week. Forward thinking and organisation are the key. On top of very thing else its still important that I am Mum first, my girls must feel that there is time to talk to me, time to share worries and download their day, no matter what kind of day its been, and that's something which can easily get lost in the rush and bustle of home/work life and before you know it your child has had a crap day and instead of talking to you they are shooting aliens on their IPad or spouting it all over Facebook. 
All that said, I do sometimes feel like a complete failure and for the very first time the other night I felt like a liability. This came as the light bulb had gone in the porch and I cant manage without it, so, I got my stool, turned the light switch to off position, climbed upon my stool and fumbled about with the downlight bulb until I figured out that it was a screw fit, I climbed back down from my stool with lightbulb tucked safely in the pocket of my dressing gown and wondered into the kitchen to find a bulb with the same sort of fitting, the bulb I found had the same screw fitting but was a round bulb instead of a downlight sort, so up on the stool again I fiddled around again in the dark and found that the bulb screw quite nicely into the hole, down the stool again, turned on the light and hey presto, the light was working again, so I left the light on, put my stool away and carried on doing jobs. About half an hour later I opened the hall door to hang a coat up and the foulest smell of burning electricity slapped me round the face, at first I thought it was coming from outside until a helpful daughter informed me that the light bulb was going black. Out came the stool again and with a tea towel I removed the incorrect light bulb and replaced it with a different one which looked more like the one that came out originally, turned the light back on and the smell went away. I was pleased with myself for all of about 20 seconds until I realised that I couldn't even change a light bulb on my own without nearly setting fire to the house. I sat on my stool and wondered about the future, how on earth can I be trusted on my own when the girls have left home? Will I have to go into a residential home? Pure panic set in as I sat on the stool and I felt like I was just kidding myself that I can manage to do things independently. I haven't felt that sad and empty for a long time, sometimes taking each day as it comes just isn't enough, I want to know when it is the right time to say, right, I can no longer do that particular job properly or safely so I need to ask someone else to do it, or do I just keep on trying until I electrocute myself or fall off the stool?
All this has left me with a very bad feeling that I cant shake off, I feel like I am suddenly walking a very thin line and I am afraid to cross it because there is no going back.
I am sure that everything will fall into place and hopefully the future will seem clearer, but for now, to be honest I am shit scared. x