I am sure just about everyone at some point during their lives has had a moment when they have thought...What if things had been different...
I have been struggling a bit this week, probably because I have spent a lot of time on my own, but also because I force myself not to think of what will happen in the future, and then when I get times when I am feeling down and struggle to keep focused I tend to think back to the past.
I have spent a lot of time wondering what life would have been like if I had normal sight. I even spent a whole afternoon making a imaginary life in my head. Like, I would be able to drive, and work full time. I would be able to just go out and meet friends with out having to plan the whole outing meticulously. I was imagining that I was able to run, cycle and join the gym and not worry about over exercising because the only harm it would do would be in my muscles and not strain my eyes and put pressure on them. God, I miss cycling so much, I mean proper cycling, like belting along, weaving between moving cars and trying to beat my record time for getting to work, I miss those frosty mornings when all the fallen leaves scrunch under your wheels and its so cold your eye lashes freeze. What sort of car would I have? and what sort of a driver would I be? I closed my eyes and imagined packing up the car and driving off to Suffolk with the girls and Ralph to visit our friends, and hell...what about just noticing that I am nearly out of milk and I could just hop in the car and drive to a shop instead of having to catch a bus, a train or walk, I know there's nothing wrong with walking but when you only decent shop is three miles away, a six mile round trip for a pint of milk is a bit excessive.
I feel like a sighted person trapped in a visually impaired persons body and it bloody well sucks! I want to be able to replace that light-bulb and I want to notice someone has dropped tomato ketchup all down the kitchen cupboard door. I want to be able to write a shopping list then actually be able to read it when I finally get to a shop.
I am fully aware that this is not a good state of mind to be in, but some times life is just not fair. What did I do for this to happen? Its so hard to stay level headed sometimes, when you just want to scream and punch something.
But back to the day dreaming, I think its easy to accept that things are just the way they are and there's nothing wrong with a little day dreaming, and at first it was fun, I had envisioned me driving to work, which parking space I would use, then I would do all the things I used to do, but better because I would be so much more confident and wise, then at the end of the day..yes I would go along to the pub for a coke with my work mates, then I would jump in the car, pop to the shop on the way home and then get home and do all the things a working Mum does and then walk Ralph on a route that I am NOT familiar with, instead of being delivered to work via taxi, working for four and a bit hours, getting the same taxi to deliver me home, and then having to sleep for the next three hours because the morning has exhausted me.
Then there was this thing which happened to me earlier this week. Daughter number 2 and I were walking down the village, we were linked arms and she was practising describing my surroundings to me and I was practising listening. As we walked along I could hear a digger and she began to tell me where it was because loud sounds can be distorted and its hard to determine where they are coming from sometimes. The next thing this male voice shouts...Hello love, aren't you going to speak to me today?...I had no bloody idea at all who he was, He was seated high up in the digger so I couldn't hear or recognise his voice over the engine..so I said, sorry, I cant make out who you are..(I felt like a right twat) ..So he turns off the engine and says''its me!...seriously for gwads sake man, I still have no idea who you are...there was this awkward silence and then he says...you walk past my house very day and I always put me hand up from the window...OHHHHHH YESSSS OF COURSE I KNOW WHO YOU ARE NOW!!!! oh, well lovely to see you...and we walk away, Daughter number 2 looks at me with this crooked grin and says...you haven't got a clue who he is have you Mum? So now I have a mixture of emotions, I feel ashamed that I didn't have the bottle to tell him that I cant see him in the window, I feel stupid and awful that I never put my hand up to return his 'hello' and I feel this strange emotion that I am almost tricking him because he thinks I am 'normal' and I am just not!!
I am also struggling with the beloved Facebook, because everyone is doing such lovely things and going to cool places. I used to be able to do these things, but I don't, I do safe things and that is just not the real me, I want to take risks again and I want to pack my days full of seeing things.
Then I realised that this day dreaming was getting kind of dangerous and it was spiralling me down into a deep uncomfortable place and now I feel like the old pilot light on my gas fire, the flame keeps lighting and it desperately tries to say on but it flickers out after a few seconds, now I have to focus on lighting my flame and keeping the thing going because I don't want to be in the dark.
That was all it took, a little day dreaming to change my train of thoughts, we are such delicate beings, and its important to keep a focus, I do wish my life could have taken a different road but then would I have met the people I have? would I be the person I am? I think I was sent along this road for a reason, I don't quite know what that reason is but I expect the answer will creep up on me and suddenly everything will make sense, so until then, day dreaming will take a back seat. We are what we are, there's no changing that so I will try to be more open and honest with this not being able to see thing, hold my head up high, treasure what I have had and look forward to the future xx
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