Knock backs

The thing I find most alarming is the damage a single knock back can do to your confidence and self-esteem. Well, actually two in one day...yesterday was a complete sod of a day and tipped me right off the edge into a pit of worry, self pity and hate for the wrongs which have been handed out to me, primarily, visual bloody impairment.
I hated myself yesterday, I hated that I cant be 'normal' I hated that rock bottom requires such bloody effort to pick yourself up and I hated that nothing seems to ever go the way I want it to....just for once, just once, do you think I could answer a phone call and the news could be positive, or open a letter and it tell me that actually I am a lovely person so this month I can pay my gas bill with a hug and everything will be ok. Instead I hear that because I am applying for work it means that I cant get help with my bills, never mind that the job I applied for I didn't get, and the four other jobs I applied for I didn't even get a thanks but no!
Yesterday was the type of day that sends someone to bed and they don't get up for two days. I however still have a Ralph to walk, two young ladies to pick up after and a house to clean...mind you, I was on the brink of punching the next person who mentioned Christmas right on the nose. 
I completely messed up the first interview I've had in 15 years and its worse because I knew exactly where I went wrong but had to wait three days to be have that clarified. I was a mess, but I intend to put to down to experience, or lack of and at least now I know what to expect next time round.
Anyway, all that aside, its the 'mental' side of things that worries me, how easy it is for dark thoughts to creep into your head, and how one rejection can make you feel so useless and dissolve any kind of faith in your ability to succeed. 
Crying is supposed to help, but it exhausts me and as my tear ducts don't work properly so crying isn't helpful, the chemical released when you start to cry only helps momentarily until I realise that I've got crusty eyes instead of wet ones, my contact lenses dry up and cloud over, then I can see even less than before, which then starts off the whole feeling rubbish cycle again.
I don't like this period my life is taking me through at the moment and for all my efforts I seem unable to steer it in to more positive waters. 
Why do we let things, events, people worry us so much? Maybe, like myself, we like to be in control of the things which happen and the emotions that come attached to those things, being out of control makes us feel vulnerable, I felt like I had failed yesterday. Failed myself and my family.
By tea time I was thoroughly fed up with myself and knew the wallowing period had peaked and it was time to re-channel my emotions into something more positive.
Everything happens for a reason right? Maybe there is something better waiting around the corner, right? This time next week, yesterday will be drifting further away into the past and the only way to go is forward...right?
I took Ralph out for a little walk and when I got home I sat at the kitchen table with my laptop in front of me staring at a massive list of jobs on the Indeed website, by the time I had filtered out the driving jobs and caring jobs the list was, well, it was disheartening to say the least.
So I tapped into Google 'Jobs for the disabled' and jobs working with disabilities came up....surely there must be something out there that helps people back into work. The search just kept giving me jobs working with disabled people, so I went onto the RNIB page for my area and asked for help, what do you know! Within seconds I had reply's from people giving guidance and support. 
Through these people I discovered that there is a disability icon that companies attach to their logo informing people that they are a 'disability friendly' company and actively employ staff with disabilities, including VI. Once again the fire inside me flicked back on and at 6am this morning I found myself back at the laptop applying for a role at a nearby Tesco. I also discovered that my local hospital has one of these logos to, and just as soon as I have published this, I am going to apply there too!
I don't think sighted people quite understand how frustrating it is to loose sight. Its annoying in its self because you cant see, but sight loss enhances the brain, my brain is crying out for activity, its more alert now than its ever been and we notice things that sighted people often miss because our other senses are magnified.
It is so good to know that there is support out there, and I love hearing everyone else's stories I am inspired by the VI folks out there holding down a job, those people have given me the courage to keep applying, which is amazing given the fact that I am a bury my head in the sand when things aren't going my way type of gal. 
Today had been a good day, and I understand the realism of being able to walk into a new job four weeks after leaving my last one was slightly errr... overkill, and I hadn't given thought to how hard it is to actually apply for these roles given the last interview was 15 years ago.
Today I listened to a firm but kind voice telling me that things will get better and there are so many other possibilities and opportunities out there. That voice along with the other kind words of support from the RNIB Facebook page have put me back on track. Thank you everyone xx

seeing differently

A few months ago I wrote two very different blogs and couldn't bring myself to post them. At the time they seemed 'heavy' as so many things had happened in such a short time, well, in about a year anyway, and I didn't know which way to turn. Reading those blogs back to myself today, I realise that it is OK to write things that no-one is going to ever read, there is nothing wrong in writing your feelings down because some how writing things down, a lot like talking to a good friend, is a way of coping with the stuff that goes on around you. 

Now that my situation is changing, I've been thinking a lot about all the people I have met on my life's journey, wondering about the people I knew who have moved on, and especially thinking about the people whose journeys have been, what I would consider as devastating at times. One lady I think about at this time of year as we approach Christmas especially. I think about the things life had dealt her and wonder how she had the strength to pull herself out of bed every day and still produce a smile. 

The thing is, you see, is that your worst time is just that!!.its yours, no-one can measure or understand how you feel, because no-one knows. You do meet people along the way that I think you have some kind of spiritual connection with and that person might help you carry the load, but they still don't know exactly how you feel. 

My problem is I compare myself to everyone else, and end up feeling that I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself because.. there's so many people out there with things going on in their lives that are so much worse than mine, but in fact there isn't. I don't know, and cant begin to understand how my friend feels when we get to this time of year..EVERY year, I can only hold her in my heart and think of her, but that doesn't help the way she feels only the way I feel.

And this works both ways, I cannot expect people to 'get' me, and this is where, I think, I have been going wrong. I assume that people I meet will automatically understand  the trauma that comes along with sight loss and they will make allowances for the days that I am crabby or the days that I come across as being rude, and what's great is that nearly all the people who know me do just that, these are the people who knew me pre-sight loss, these people have almost protected me and kept me safe from those who don't know me.

Then the time came when the environment changed and I had to mingle with people who knew nothing about me, some wanted to understand and some just didn't. Suddenly those protectors are no longer there, my own invisible bubble wrap was popped and have been introduced to a new world. 

For a while I seriously felt like I was running around naked, everyone, in my mind, was looking at me. judging me and a few times I felt some people I met didn't believe I had sight loss.

I totally lost sight of everything I was taught in my CBT sessions, and that was when the whole jigsaw puzzle scenario began. Some-one had thrown my puzzle in the air and there was no way of finding those pieces because they were still in the air, way above my head. 

When RNIB started promoting 'See the person not the sight loss', they produced a few videos attached to the slogan. One of the videos had this guy sitting at a table in what looked like a shopping centre café, he was eating an ice-cream and it showed other peoples reactions to this guy, to many it looked a lot like he was looking right at them and eating his ice-cream in a 'suggestive' manner. One woman lifts her left hand and points at her wedding ring, another one unzips her top a bit and fluffs up her cleavage and then this other guy who clearly thinks the guy eating the ice-cream is coming on to him so he blows kisses at him When the guy eating the ice-cream gets up and flicks out his white cane and walks past the other people without a glance, the other people are mortified. 

It made me laugh one because I am a little bit evil but, two, because I can relate to that completely.

Its scary how someone can just assume something about you with out knowing anything about you isn't it?

I know I take it for granted that everyone understands sight loss. It might sound harsh that I don't want to keep explaining why I do things a certain way, or why I seem to be ignoring someone when actually their constant talking means I have to concentrate harder on the other stuff that is going on around me.

 The trouble is, traditionally when someone is labelled as being blind some people think that being blind means, well, it means you cant see and the fact that you are out without using a cane or you are able to hold down a job must mean that either you are lying or you cant be that bad! 

I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that some people just aren't interested in what my sight loss means to me, the people close to me know how different environments effect me, they understand how changes to my usual routine take a lot of adjusting too, and that is really all I need to worry about. 

The last three weeks have been a big fat bag of mixed emotions, one minute I am balling my eyes out the next I am as high as a kite. Today has been the first day I have really felt peaceful inside. I put up some Christmas lights in the conservatory, which was a hilarious procedure as I had to get the ladder in from the garden which was covered in leaves, mud rain water and spiders, there I am balanced on the top of this ladder with a string of flashing fairy lights stuffed in my dressing gown pocket, a tube of super glue in my mouth (which was a very bad idea) and some little, apparently sticky, hooks. I happily wobbling around trying to fight off the cobwebs and there's this little whimper from wayyyy down below on the carpet there sits Ralph, the dog clearly knows I should not be up the ladder and continues to whinge until I got down. I tell you something though, there's no way those fairy lights are coming back down, I'm afraid they are stuck to the walls forever now, and when the super glue leaked onto my lips I had the panic of my life, wondering how I was going to phone for help if my lips got glued together. 

Ralph and I have been on a good two hour walk in the autumn sunshine, and I am now feeling tired after my busyish day.

Leta see what next week brings! xx

Job centre confusion

I am totally confused!
Yesterday I went into town for my appointment at the job centre to sign on. I have never had to use the job centre in my life and am finding it the most demeaning experience ever! 
So, I applied for Job seekers allowance three weeks ago and received a letter a week later to say I would receive £72 a week, four days later I got another letter to tell me they had changed their mind and I wouldn't get anything! So I phone the 'Helpline' number and a lady tells me that JSA only lasts for 28 days so I need to apply for something else...also named JSA, get a form from the job centre.
Yesterday was my third visit, and while I sat wedged in between a young man who kept sucking his teeth while cradling his can of special brew and seemed to have trouble stopping his legs from shaking and another young man who had terrible body odour and kept sniffing every two seconds, I thought WTF am I doing here? and get yourself a bloody tissue.
This isn't fair, I keep telling myself this is just a process but honestly mingling with the 'cant be arsed to find myself a job' people of the world, just makes me feel so horrible, sad and low. 
I am always called first which also irritates me, its like they think, oh quick, its the blind lady, we better see her first, actually I am quite happy to sit and wait my turn, either that or they are putting off dealing with the smelly little sods sitting beside me.
I dunno, maybe I am wrong, but I kind of thought that the people at the job centre were supposed to recommend jobs for you to apply for, I thought that was the whole point! Last time I went I took in my CV, the lady sat behind her desk and looked blankly at me when I handed it to her and said...errr, I'll pop it in your file! It's no good in the bloody file, at no point has anyone I've seen asked me if I have applied for any jobs or offered me any kind of job related conversation. As far as I can tell, you go in every two weeks, sign on the line and your money gets paid into your account (except it doesn't in my case) and that's that, you are free to go sit on a bench with your can of special brew. Surely they are supposed to guide you into work and get you off the JSA, surely its better to be in work than claiming benefits isn't it? I want to work, but I don't think the job centre is going to support me with this, and I wonder if its just me, maybe they think I should be sat at home on the sofa feeling isolated and lonely, because that's what disabled people should do isn't it?
Not this bloody disabled person, I can see I have one hell of a fight ahead of me, and I think I might have to get RNIB's new slogan tattooed across my forehead...See the person not the sight loss. 
I don't think I have ever felt so useless, and frankly so poor, literally skint.
I wish I didn't have to go to the job centre but I am doing everything I am supposed to. I have found myself watching people a lot more, trying to decide if they are enjoying the job they do, and I am not actually sure the crowd in the JC do enjoy their job, the guy who I saw yesterday gave me the distinct impression that he was looking down his nose at me, when I told him I had been to the RNIB offices to do some shadowing, he stopped typing on his computer, looked at me over the top of his glasses and said dryly without any enthusiasm...'Good luck with that!' if the people who are supposed to be helping you aren't helping how the hell does anyone stand a chance of moving forward and finding work.
However, they are about to come unstuck as I have a meeting on this subject soon, and now I have experienced how just bloody awful it is having to battle to fight your corner, I shall not be shy in telling whoever wants to know that this is shit!
No-one knows what I am capable of, no-one knows how hard I will work, no-one knows how much I can give, no-one knows how reliable I am, and no-one is prepared to give me that chance, just because I have a sight problem, it doesn't mean my brain has stopped working, if anything my brain is more alert than some of the people I have worked with who are sighted. Please don't judge me on my sight loss.
And now I am off to the fridge to find some chocolate, and sit back on my sofa.
xx

Mid week adventure

well, a new day and my boy is looking much better! We went for a long..slow..walk this morning, the furthest we have been in at least two weeks, he managed the steps of the bridge going over the railway station without stopping, and he spent most of the walk ahead of me instead of lagging behind.

He had chewed his tail, which was looking awful, but that seems to be looking better too.

Well earned treat and sofa time after a two hour stroll around the woods!

Anyway, last week a volunteer for Bedfordshire Sight Concern delivered me a new dab radio.

It looks the same as the old one, except it now has a memory stick component, which means I can now play my talking books while I am cooking dinner or doing housework. 

The guy dropped it round on Friday morning and it hasn't been off since then really, tuned into my two favourite radio stations, Smooth Extra and kisstroy, I have been bopping my way around the house singing at the top of my voice (which is a nasty experience for anyone passing). I hadn't realised how much I had missed having the radio, I am going to try to find the RNIB radio channel later and get acquainted with that.

Last week was crazy busy, I was at the RNIB in London on Monday all day, I met some really lovely people and being in such a positive environment gave me the kick up the backside I needed. 

The week before I had applied for four jobs, if I am honest I was a bit bored and fed up, so I did a little experiment, two of them I disclosed my disability to, and the other two I didn't..bet you cant guess which two I heard from on Tuesday morning asking if I would like to attend interviews, as it happened, one was a bit mis-leading in the advert, when the lady on the phone started to explain more about the role, I realised that it was more of a care assistant role, which i something I need to move away from and the other one, well, I just wanted to see if I could get a interview. The other two, the ones I disclosed to, I still haven't heard from. So, there we are, inclusion for everyone eh?

Wednesday found me on the train to Peterborough for my very first coffee social, with other visually impaired folks. Despite the crappy weather, it was a lovely morning, I met some people with some fascinating stories that ignited something in me which had been blown out months ago. The creative writer in me was exploding in my head and I was dying to get out pen and paper and start making notes I ate lemon drizzle cake instead and sat still while three guide dogs wiggled around my legs under the table, one of them, settling across my feet keeping my toes warm.

I spent the afternoon nosing around the RNIB offices, chatting to more lovely people, again, the atmosphere is so positive that you cant help feeling at home.

I left the RNIB at 2.30pm

  to catch the 3 o'clock home as I needed to meet my daughter at 3.30. But the train had been cancelled as a train near London had broken down on the track and was causing chaos. The next train had been cancelled to, the next one was 4.18. So, I took myself off to Waitrose, used their loo and wondered around. I found the café and sat there for a while wondering how to waste more time, when my phone rings, daughter number two is worried where I have got to, I explain there is trouble on the tracks and she checks her 'app' and informs me that the 4.18 has been cancelled too.

 The daughter starts to panic, insisting that I am going to be stuck there and someone needs to rescue me. I assured her that I did not need rescuing, and that I will go back to the station and ask someone what's going on. Three cancelled trains equals a s**t ton of people all crammed into the station, necks craned trying to get the first glimpse of a moving train on the departures board. My cane collided with a few ankles and suddenly the crowd parted like the dead sea and I made my way to the information desk. 

A nice young lady let me through to the platform and said there should be a train at 5. As I stand there the platform gets more and more crowed and I

know there is no way I am going to get on this train safely with all these people, who frankly weren't very happy with the delays. So, I ring my partner just for a chat, a reassuring voice, but ohhhh noooo. He is in more of a panic than my daughter, and instructs me to go back to the information desk. I refuse and hang up.

The very next minute, there is a voice over the loud speaker telling me to go back to the information desk where I will pick up assisted travel. 

Once again the crowd parted and I made my way back to the information desk. A elderly guy takes my arm and tells me that he will help me on the train when it arrives and get me a seat. NOTHING will go wrong and you will be much safer here with us as there is about 600 people on the platform waiting to board the train. 

So, in rolls the train, a young man and his wheelchair and I are escorted to the disabled carriage and seated. I must admit I was relieved to be sat safely on the train, even though it wasn't moving. 5.20, and the guys who put me on the train was back, there is no driver for this train so we will all have to change trains. I say...'why cant the driver of the other train just drive this one?'...but no, this seemed to be a ridiculous idea, and so 600 people, me and my escort all barrel off to platform two. I go to use the stairs, but my escort says...health and safety my love, we will use the lift. Mate, there's F**K ALL WRONG WITH MY LEGS I JUST WANT TO GET HOME!!

In the lift I go and he faffs around with his radio, just as we get out of the lift I see the train on platform two pull away from the station. Honest to god, 600 bloody people...I have a guide and I still missed the bloody train. 

I already knew the next two trains had already been cancelled, the station was disserted, not a single person in the whole place, except me, my cane and my escort. The poor bloke was mortified and took me back to....wait for it.....the information desk and got me a chair. I couldn't speak as I wasn't sure what was going to come out of my mouth so I thought it best not to say anything at all. I think at some point a little sob might have escaped me and when the escort approached me he looked so wary that I couldn't be cross. 

'Don't worry my love, the railway have booked you a taxi to get you home'...all I could say was ..'but, I'm hungry 'so he gave me a card for a free coffee. I hate coffee, but I took it anyway, thanked him and was bundled into a taxi. 

The taxi driver, really nice bloke, but had no idea how to get to my area of Bedfordshire and asked if he needed to get on the A14....no mate A1.

Two hours after leaving the station, five hours after leaving the RNIB offices, I get home to a bowl of soup and my bed.

Gotta love an adventure!

xx

Poorly Ralph!

Evening all...What a crazy couple of weeks, since I've not been in work I am struggling to understand how I actually had time to go to work in the first place!

Some things have been moving very slowly but other things have slotted into place and forced me to buck up and get on with it.

Unfortunately, my boy has been properly poorly, which has occupied most of my worrying so I haven't really had much worry left to worry about anything else!! Poor Ralph, produced a nasty poop with blood in it about ten days ago, I took him to the vet and she thought that he had impacted anal glands, she released them...which was bloody disgusting...once she had finished wiping down the table and the units in the examination room which was covered foul smelling bum juice she sent us home saying he should feel better. He was not impressed and having is bum felt and was in a mood for the rest of the day. 

Over the next couple of days his coat became wiry and his eyes were dull, he just wasn't right. 

The youngest daughter and I went off to Suffolk for a couple of days leaving eldest daughter at home in charge. Day two and I get a panicked, very upset daughter on the phone, saying that Ralph had bled all over my living room carpet, so we came home. He seemed lively enough and the following morning I took him on his favourite walk, but he just wasn't interested, he didn't even raise his head when the deer darted out as she always does when we walk that route. I was starting to get really worried when he started lagging behind, then he sat down and that was it! No amount of coaxing was going to make him walk home,  so there was nothing else for it, I picked him up and carried him home, by the time I had reached the train station steps I was sweating and needed to put him down as my back and arms were aching. As I put him on the floor I noticed my coat felt wet, I thought...bloody charming, the little sod has peed on me, but it wasn't pee, my coat was covered in blood and when I took a closer look, so was he, I tried to walk him up the platform steps but he was just too weak, so I wedged him under one arm and got my phone out to call the vets with the other. I got an appointment straight away, got home, shoved my blood covered coat in the washing machine and got him in the car. 

The vet was lovely, she gave him a good examination and concluded that he had a infestation of parasites, probably water parasites from being in the river in the summer, the normal wormer they give us doesn't cover this apparently. Ralph also has a filthy dirty habit of eating his own poop, so if it was parasites then the clever little bugger was recycling them too!!...we were given a prescription for some medicine that we had to syringe into him once a day for four days. For such a little dog it took three grown adults to hold him down and get the medicine into him!  Within a couple of days his coat had completely changed, its all soft and lighter in colour and his sparkly eyes are back. 

I tried to walk his favourite route again but he sat down and I had to carry him back again, the blood has got less and less, and we've had blood free poop's all weekend, so fingers crossed he is on the mend.

Poorly boy!

Feeling well enough to get his toys out!

He still doesn't want to walk very far, but at least he isn't expecting me to carry him!

Its funny, it was almost worse than having a poorly child, I can deal with sick children. But a dog is different, they don't cry and you feel so bloody helpless.

xx

cream cheese and jigsaw puzzles

Over the last two months I have written three blogs, none of which are suitable to be shared or published. Mostly because they are honest, brutally honest. 
So much has changed that I cant keep up with it all myself! the highs and lows are so extreme that the grey area in the middle is frustrating and all I can do is ride the storm.
If our lives were represented as big jigsaw puzzles I would say the someone has taken my puzzle and shock it so hard that all the pieces have gone flying high up into the sky, I cant reach them to pull them back down to repair my puzzle, I just have to wait until one piece falls, guess where it goes and hope the next piece fits one of the pieces that have already fallen down.
In fairness, like a volcano, my puzzle has been ready to erupt for sometime, since last September really and then a year down the line and BANG, a load of completely unrelated things happen and your organised, nicely predicable life is flying around in the sky and you are left wondering what the hell you do next.
You go to the Citizens advice, that's what you do, these people are worth their weight in gold, you take all your information in a folder, you turn up for your 20 minute appointment on the wrong day, but they don't mind, they see you anyway, two and a half hours later, you immerge with a plan and a list of 'to do' jobs as long as your arm! 
I have dutifully battled through my to do list in time for my next appointment, only to be given another one, also as long as my arm!
As I say things have changed and I am trying my hardest to remain calm but when you are sitting in the job centre with life's great unwashed, you wonder exactly what the terrible thing was that you did in a pervious life to deserve such crap. And I cant help wondering if I think I am more capable than I actually am, life has a way of making you feel incredibly small sometimes. 
The voice inside me is saying...things will get better, this time next week, this time next month, this time next year, whatever it will be, it wont be the same as it is now...ohhh for a peep into the future, or a lottery win, either will do.
On top of all this worry and decision making, I have started to see things. Now, I know this is fairly common with people who have sight loss, and at first, when I asked my daughter if the man walking in front of us had a dog and she looked a me like I had gone completely mad and said...Mum, there is no man, it was funny. But now its getting a bit annoying really and is starting to put me off going out on my own, yesterday I had to go into town on the train on my own, and I was moving out of the way for people that weren't there! This isn't a catch a shadow of a figure that might have been a person jobby, ohhh no, this is full on looking completely normal and alive people, they have hair and clothes on and everything, then I get closer to them, blink and they disappear! 
Or, I just dont see things, Daughter number two had asked for some of those marzipan Christmassy biscuit things you get from Lidl, so I find the Christmas isle, stand there looking for about five minutes, nope there definitely isn't any, so I walk away, get to the top of the isle and think, I will just check one more time and walk back down the isle, and boom, there the little devils are, a whole bloody shelf of them in fact!  Then it got worse, I left Lidl, did the job centre thing and then made my way up to M&S to meet daughter number one from work, when I got there I realised that I had completely misjudged the time and had an hour and a half to wait, so I went into M&S café, stood ages trying to figure out what the sandwiches had in them, picked up ham and cream cheese, dropped my piece of lemon drizzle cake as I missed the plate, luckily it landed n the table cloth so I quickly scooped it up and slapped it back on the plate and went to the till. 
Not until I was safely sat at my table for two tucked up in the corner did I feel safe. I fumbled around with the sandwich packet and released my lunch onto a plate, took a big bite of the sandwich and got the shock of my life ...salmon....bloody salmon and cream cheese!! I hate fish, but I was hungry and a old lady (who was real) was watching me, so I ate them, good job Marks seem to put more cream cheese in their sandwiches than Salmon. Having not written a blog for so long is making my eyes sore and giving me a head ache so I will be off for now, but I'll be back xx