seeing differently

A few months ago I wrote two very different blogs and couldn't bring myself to post them. At the time they seemed 'heavy' as so many things had happened in such a short time, well, in about a year anyway, and I didn't know which way to turn. Reading those blogs back to myself today, I realise that it is OK to write things that no-one is going to ever read, there is nothing wrong in writing your feelings down because some how writing things down, a lot like talking to a good friend, is a way of coping with the stuff that goes on around you. 

Now that my situation is changing, I've been thinking a lot about all the people I have met on my life's journey, wondering about the people I knew who have moved on, and especially thinking about the people whose journeys have been, what I would consider as devastating at times. One lady I think about at this time of year as we approach Christmas especially. I think about the things life had dealt her and wonder how she had the strength to pull herself out of bed every day and still produce a smile. 

The thing is, you see, is that your worst time is just that!!.its yours, no-one can measure or understand how you feel, because no-one knows. You do meet people along the way that I think you have some kind of spiritual connection with and that person might help you carry the load, but they still don't know exactly how you feel. 

My problem is I compare myself to everyone else, and end up feeling that I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself because.. there's so many people out there with things going on in their lives that are so much worse than mine, but in fact there isn't. I don't know, and cant begin to understand how my friend feels when we get to this time of year..EVERY year, I can only hold her in my heart and think of her, but that doesn't help the way she feels only the way I feel.

And this works both ways, I cannot expect people to 'get' me, and this is where, I think, I have been going wrong. I assume that people I meet will automatically understand  the trauma that comes along with sight loss and they will make allowances for the days that I am crabby or the days that I come across as being rude, and what's great is that nearly all the people who know me do just that, these are the people who knew me pre-sight loss, these people have almost protected me and kept me safe from those who don't know me.

Then the time came when the environment changed and I had to mingle with people who knew nothing about me, some wanted to understand and some just didn't. Suddenly those protectors are no longer there, my own invisible bubble wrap was popped and have been introduced to a new world. 

For a while I seriously felt like I was running around naked, everyone, in my mind, was looking at me. judging me and a few times I felt some people I met didn't believe I had sight loss.

I totally lost sight of everything I was taught in my CBT sessions, and that was when the whole jigsaw puzzle scenario began. Some-one had thrown my puzzle in the air and there was no way of finding those pieces because they were still in the air, way above my head. 

When RNIB started promoting 'See the person not the sight loss', they produced a few videos attached to the slogan. One of the videos had this guy sitting at a table in what looked like a shopping centre café, he was eating an ice-cream and it showed other peoples reactions to this guy, to many it looked a lot like he was looking right at them and eating his ice-cream in a 'suggestive' manner. One woman lifts her left hand and points at her wedding ring, another one unzips her top a bit and fluffs up her cleavage and then this other guy who clearly thinks the guy eating the ice-cream is coming on to him so he blows kisses at him When the guy eating the ice-cream gets up and flicks out his white cane and walks past the other people without a glance, the other people are mortified. 

It made me laugh one because I am a little bit evil but, two, because I can relate to that completely.

Its scary how someone can just assume something about you with out knowing anything about you isn't it?

I know I take it for granted that everyone understands sight loss. It might sound harsh that I don't want to keep explaining why I do things a certain way, or why I seem to be ignoring someone when actually their constant talking means I have to concentrate harder on the other stuff that is going on around me.

 The trouble is, traditionally when someone is labelled as being blind some people think that being blind means, well, it means you cant see and the fact that you are out without using a cane or you are able to hold down a job must mean that either you are lying or you cant be that bad! 

I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that some people just aren't interested in what my sight loss means to me, the people close to me know how different environments effect me, they understand how changes to my usual routine take a lot of adjusting too, and that is really all I need to worry about. 

The last three weeks have been a big fat bag of mixed emotions, one minute I am balling my eyes out the next I am as high as a kite. Today has been the first day I have really felt peaceful inside. I put up some Christmas lights in the conservatory, which was a hilarious procedure as I had to get the ladder in from the garden which was covered in leaves, mud rain water and spiders, there I am balanced on the top of this ladder with a string of flashing fairy lights stuffed in my dressing gown pocket, a tube of super glue in my mouth (which was a very bad idea) and some little, apparently sticky, hooks. I happily wobbling around trying to fight off the cobwebs and there's this little whimper from wayyyy down below on the carpet there sits Ralph, the dog clearly knows I should not be up the ladder and continues to whinge until I got down. I tell you something though, there's no way those fairy lights are coming back down, I'm afraid they are stuck to the walls forever now, and when the super glue leaked onto my lips I had the panic of my life, wondering how I was going to phone for help if my lips got glued together. 

Ralph and I have been on a good two hour walk in the autumn sunshine, and I am now feeling tired after my busyish day.

Leta see what next week brings! xx