The thing I find most alarming is the damage a single knock back can do to your confidence and self-esteem. Well, actually two in one day...yesterday was a complete sod of a day and tipped me right off the edge into a pit of worry, self pity and hate for the wrongs which have been handed out to me, primarily, visual bloody impairment.
I hated myself yesterday, I hated that I cant be 'normal' I hated that rock bottom requires such bloody effort to pick yourself up and I hated that nothing seems to ever go the way I want it to....just for once, just once, do you think I could answer a phone call and the news could be positive, or open a letter and it tell me that actually I am a lovely person so this month I can pay my gas bill with a hug and everything will be ok. Instead I hear that because I am applying for work it means that I cant get help with my bills, never mind that the job I applied for I didn't get, and the four other jobs I applied for I didn't even get a thanks but no!
Yesterday was the type of day that sends someone to bed and they don't get up for two days. I however still have a Ralph to walk, two young ladies to pick up after and a house to clean...mind you, I was on the brink of punching the next person who mentioned Christmas right on the nose.
I completely messed up the first interview I've had in 15 years and its worse because I knew exactly where I went wrong but had to wait three days to be have that clarified. I was a mess, but I intend to put to down to experience, or lack of and at least now I know what to expect next time round.
Anyway, all that aside, its the 'mental' side of things that worries me, how easy it is for dark thoughts to creep into your head, and how one rejection can make you feel so useless and dissolve any kind of faith in your ability to succeed.
Crying is supposed to help, but it exhausts me and as my tear ducts don't work properly so crying isn't helpful, the chemical released when you start to cry only helps momentarily until I realise that I've got crusty eyes instead of wet ones, my contact lenses dry up and cloud over, then I can see even less than before, which then starts off the whole feeling rubbish cycle again.
I don't like this period my life is taking me through at the moment and for all my efforts I seem unable to steer it in to more positive waters.
Why do we let things, events, people worry us so much? Maybe, like myself, we like to be in control of the things which happen and the emotions that come attached to those things, being out of control makes us feel vulnerable, I felt like I had failed yesterday. Failed myself and my family.
By tea time I was thoroughly fed up with myself and knew the wallowing period had peaked and it was time to re-channel my emotions into something more positive.
Everything happens for a reason right? Maybe there is something better waiting around the corner, right? This time next week, yesterday will be drifting further away into the past and the only way to go is forward...right?
I took Ralph out for a little walk and when I got home I sat at the kitchen table with my laptop in front of me staring at a massive list of jobs on the Indeed website, by the time I had filtered out the driving jobs and caring jobs the list was, well, it was disheartening to say the least.
So I tapped into Google 'Jobs for the disabled' and jobs working with disabilities came up....surely there must be something out there that helps people back into work. The search just kept giving me jobs working with disabled people, so I went onto the RNIB page for my area and asked for help, what do you know! Within seconds I had reply's from people giving guidance and support.
Through these people I discovered that there is a disability icon that companies attach to their logo informing people that they are a 'disability friendly' company and actively employ staff with disabilities, including VI. Once again the fire inside me flicked back on and at 6am this morning I found myself back at the laptop applying for a role at a nearby Tesco. I also discovered that my local hospital has one of these logos to, and just as soon as I have published this, I am going to apply there too!
I don't think sighted people quite understand how frustrating it is to loose sight. Its annoying in its self because you cant see, but sight loss enhances the brain, my brain is crying out for activity, its more alert now than its ever been and we notice things that sighted people often miss because our other senses are magnified.
It is so good to know that there is support out there, and I love hearing everyone else's stories I am inspired by the VI folks out there holding down a job, those people have given me the courage to keep applying, which is amazing given the fact that I am a bury my head in the sand when things aren't going my way type of gal.
Today had been a good day, and I understand the realism of being able to walk into a new job four weeks after leaving my last one was slightly errr... overkill, and I hadn't given thought to how hard it is to actually apply for these roles given the last interview was 15 years ago.
Today I listened to a firm but kind voice telling me that things will get better and there are so many other possibilities and opportunities out there. That voice along with the other kind words of support from the RNIB Facebook page have put me back on track. Thank you everyone xx
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