Staying Calm

I started writing this blog nearly two weeks ago, I've lost count how many times I've thought about finishing it, then something more demanding rears its head. I had started the week after my last blog with  such good vibes and a determination to push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I finally renewed my disabled railcard in anticipation of my pending trip to the Royal Albert Hall this Sunday to see Carl Craig with Chineke Orchestra....I truly have no idea who Carl Craig is, but being in the RAH and listening to the sounds of any kind of music is where I find something special deep in my soul that I didn't know existed. And of course there's writing the review afterwards which as you all know, I love!

I also joined a group called the sunflower community that is working towards introducing Lanyards for people with invisible disabilities into supermarkets and have been completing tasks for them help them with their project. Each day over three weeks we are given a task, and then we report back our findings. Its actually good fun and its causing me to think outside my little tiny box which I seem to have found myself comfortably settled in.

Continuing with the pushing myself theme...thanks to a lovely lady....I'm going to do a spot of driving!! Yes, me, blind lady doing driving!! I've a feeling its a four wheel drive (sadly not a tank) with a instructor/guide type person. You drive for 30 mins and I'm so bloody excited I cant tell you! Its on the 31st May. I had seen a post on the RNIB east of England Facebook page ages ago and I thought it sounded like a fab idea, but as time ticked on and there was a date in place I was feeling a whole lot less confident, but I've been encouraged to attend, so I will go, the box is ticked! It is held in Thetford, and I was really panicked about getting there on the train, but its actually a easy run from here, only having to change once, and I will definitely be booking assistance though because it helps so much! 

So, all this happened at the start of last week and I was feeling like I was some sort of super hero special confident type lady, only to be put right back in my place on Tuesday.

Tuesday... things started to go rapidly down hill! My partner got rushed into hospital, and while I wont bore you with all the gory details, I found myself sitting in Resus at 10 o'clock at night, he was safely tucked up in a bed with tubes sprouting out of everywhere, and suddenly I realised I was on my own, in a hospital and now I had to find my way out...all on my own! 

As soon as the consultant told me that my not-so better half wasn't going anywhere that night except for CT scan, I began to panic. 

I had spent all day following nurses and doctors around, and I had been sat beside this shadow of a big man for hours listening to his machine bleeping away, that when I was told to go home and get some rest as there was nothing more I could do that night. I suddenly realised that I had no idea where I was in the hospital or how to get out. I felt I couldn't ask the staff as there was a constant flow of ambulances bringing casualties into the area and they were completely rushed off their feet. HOWEVER, when a young nurse came in to check the machines and do his obs, I bravely....for me...told her my situation and that my daughter was coming to fetch me but I wouldn't be able to make my way to her especially as it was now dark outside and I hadn't bought my cane, I was also fully aware that I had only seen patients with one family member in this area so I knew my daughter wouldn't be able to come to me.

The young nurse, phoned through to A&E and told the receptionist to expect someone to come asking for me, the next moment my daughter was quietly brought to Resus and that was that! Easy peasy.

Except when I got home I started feeling guilty that my last few moments at the hospital were spent worrying about myself instead of the man in the bed. Wednesday and Thursday were a complete blur of running back and forth to the hospital, sorting medicine, going to work and trying to keep the house functioning normally, mind you, I have to say I completely failed on the last one as by Sunday the whole house looked like a herd of Elephants with a need to try on every pair of shoes and item of clothing on they could find and leave them where they fancied had passed through my house. 

So I really did have to put on my big girl pants and get on with it, on-one was going to come along and sprinkle fairy dust over me and make everything alright, so the proof that I can move out of my little safety net is just there.  

Life seems to have evened out a bit this week, but I'm so tired, I forget that I cant function like I used to when my sight was better so as well as learning to push myself out of the comfort zone, it seems I need to learn to accept when my brain has had enough and rest! You all know that rest doesn't come easy to me, and tonight, I sit on the sofa, the only sound is the rain on the conservatory roof, Ralph is curled up beside me, my eldest has gone out with some friends from work...my youngest has decided to go to a nightclub!!! My girl is 18, she is a homegirl, the best thing in the world is to cuddle up with a bowl of fruit and watch old episodes of casualty with her Mumma. My mummy wisdom fell on deaf ears as I advise that for her very first taste of night life, she chooses a local town with some lively pubs and bars. So the child who, growing up, hated crowded places and loud noise decides she will be going to Milton Keynes (a good 40 minute drive away) to a night club called Pink Punters!! Not only that but she and her mates have booked themselves into a local hotel for the night...cos the club doesn't open until 9.30pm and closes at 6.30am!!

Honest to something more heavenly...I literally have spent the last two days following her around...so, text me when you get there... if someone offers you a drink...you say no thank you...if someone buys you a drink and gives it to you...you do not drink it.....if you are feeling unsafe...you go to the bar and ask if 'Angela' is working tonight....you stay with your friends, you do not get parallactic, you will text me every 20 minutes so I know you are ok!! ohh and you will text me when you are back in the hotel and you will text me when you are ready to leave on Saturday morning! AND by the way....have a really lovely time!

Am I just about the crappiest Mum ever?! I am trying to remind myself that I was a teenager once too, and I got into wayyyy much more trouble than she has, so why and I so afraid! 

I'm glad its raining, the drumming sound on the roof is calming and I need to stay calm!! This parenting lark gets harder, I look at my friends with their little sweet cute baby daughters and think...HA...Just you bloody wait!!

Hope you speak soon guys...but don't bank on it!

Ridged routines

I'm back again folks, I'm not really sure how four weeks have flashed by and I haven't had a chance to write, I think about writing most days, but I get this nagging doubt that people have stopped reading and are no longer interested in my rantings. So, I tell myself I will put the diary 'to bed' and stop writing, then this week I have had so many notifications that people are reading the blog that I feel like I am failing something that I have achieved on my own. I have lost so much of my independence, but writing is something I can still do on my own, so I figure that I should keep writing even if no-one reads it because...well, because I like it and its good therapy. Lately I have realised that I have fallen into a very ridged routine, I wake up and get ready for work, I walk Ralph, I go to work, I finish work and come home, I walk Ralph again and then I cook tea, have a bath and put my PJ's on and wait to go to bed. At the weekend, I do the housework, walk Ralph and stay home!
 I am astounded by how the contrast in my confidence is so vast. At work I am incredibly confident, I feel safe and have already built trusting relationships around me, However, ask me to do something different at the weekend for example, and I can feel a melt down coming on. I haven't been for a swim for weeks, and the thought of going terrifies me, my friend and I usually go for a swim once a week, I have found myself looking for an excuse to cancel, and am always totally happy if she cancels. I hadn't noticed I had been doing this until this morning. So, last week RNIB offered me tickets to go to the Royal Albert Hall for a classical performance next Sunday, now, you all know how I love to go to these events, and I really love writing the reviews after, BUT, this morning I laid in bed reading the email over and over again, trying to find ways to not go. I don't mean anything drastic, but silly things like, my disabled railcard has expired so the train fare will be too expensive, the feeling of excitement has completely gone. Then when I thought about it a bit more I realised that I have been putting off lots of things, I said I was going to visit my friends in Suffolk in February...I still haven't been, swimming has stopped and I am only going out to places with people I trust and to very familiar places.
So, if I tell you that last weekend I went to Spain, you would think all I just said was totally contradictory. This was a hen weekend for My Niece who gets married in a couple of months and we stayed in my sister-in-laws beautiful house, both my girls and my cane came with me and I was well looked after. When we arrived there was talk of going to the local supermarket to buy food, thinking back now, I remember the pang of panic in my stomach, I would usually be the first one to be up for a trip to the shops, after all, that's where the chocolate is at! but I didn't go, there were also a couple of times when the girls wanted to stay at the house while everyone else went out, my instinct was to stay at the house and sit safely on a comfy sofa while my two lovely daughters got over their hangovers with their daily dose of 'the internet', but I went because I knew there was someone with me to tell me where the steps are, someone who wont let me wonder into the gents loo by mistake, someone who will read the menu out to me quietly, but most of all someone who will make me feel safe. I had a fantastic weekend, and despite my nerves the only real mishap I had was walking into furniture and the occasional Spanish person!
The biggest stress reliever EVER, was using Assistance at the airports. My sister-in-law booked Assistance for me when she booked the tickets and I can say, hand on heart, it was the most helpful thing I've ever tried.  I usually turn Assistance down because, well you know, I have the family with me, but what I didn't take into account is how stressful it is for them to safely guide me around the airport avoiding the mass of holiday makers and their luggage, people also have a habit of lying or sitting on the floor in these places which means they are at risk of getting my cane whipped around their legs, one bloke a few years ago even told me to..look where I was going, as my cane connected with his knees, bet he felt a right twat when he opened his eyes to see what had hit him! 
Anyway, USE ASSISTANCE!! Its fab, Stanstead was a breeze, assistance is just to the left as you go through the entrance, they have a separate seating area and they do exactly what you would expect. They assisted my girls and I all the way from walking through the door to boarding the plane, no queueing, no stressing. You go through the exact same routine except its so much easier. Arriving at Murcia Airport, the service was just the same, the staff were so helpful, we were whizzed through to collect our baggage and out into the sunshine before we knew it. On the way back the procedure was the same except we were taken onto the tarmac before the other passengers and this, what I can only describe as a room on wheels pulls up beside the plane, we were helped on and the little room separated from its wheels as a hydraulic lift thingy lifts us up to the doors on the plane and we were led to our seats. Those little tiny steps that lead up to the plane doors have always worried me so this was a real treat, and I can say I was more that happy to see a similar looking vehicle trundling across the tarmac towards our plane as we landed back at Stanstead. Although we left the plane last we were still assisted all the way to the carpark! 
So what do I do about my little routine I seem to have got suck in then? Well, I do what I usually do, I pull myself together and push forward. I will renew my railcard and go to the RAH. I suppose it would be sensible to build up to that, but I'm not one for doing things sensibly, however I will try to change the routine. Swimming will have to wait until after the Easter holidays, as there will be children, and children are unpredictable and bloody noisy! So, I'll let them do their thing first and swim when they are back at school. I also need to start thinking about a wedding outfit, so this will force me into the shops. 
Tomorrow, I will not spend the day in my PJ's and do the ironing, I will get dressed and do something different, I dunno what but I'll do it...honest!
Speak soon...hopefully! xx