Ridged routines

I'm back again folks, I'm not really sure how four weeks have flashed by and I haven't had a chance to write, I think about writing most days, but I get this nagging doubt that people have stopped reading and are no longer interested in my rantings. So, I tell myself I will put the diary 'to bed' and stop writing, then this week I have had so many notifications that people are reading the blog that I feel like I am failing something that I have achieved on my own. I have lost so much of my independence, but writing is something I can still do on my own, so I figure that I should keep writing even if no-one reads it because...well, because I like it and its good therapy. Lately I have realised that I have fallen into a very ridged routine, I wake up and get ready for work, I walk Ralph, I go to work, I finish work and come home, I walk Ralph again and then I cook tea, have a bath and put my PJ's on and wait to go to bed. At the weekend, I do the housework, walk Ralph and stay home!
 I am astounded by how the contrast in my confidence is so vast. At work I am incredibly confident, I feel safe and have already built trusting relationships around me, However, ask me to do something different at the weekend for example, and I can feel a melt down coming on. I haven't been for a swim for weeks, and the thought of going terrifies me, my friend and I usually go for a swim once a week, I have found myself looking for an excuse to cancel, and am always totally happy if she cancels. I hadn't noticed I had been doing this until this morning. So, last week RNIB offered me tickets to go to the Royal Albert Hall for a classical performance next Sunday, now, you all know how I love to go to these events, and I really love writing the reviews after, BUT, this morning I laid in bed reading the email over and over again, trying to find ways to not go. I don't mean anything drastic, but silly things like, my disabled railcard has expired so the train fare will be too expensive, the feeling of excitement has completely gone. Then when I thought about it a bit more I realised that I have been putting off lots of things, I said I was going to visit my friends in Suffolk in February...I still haven't been, swimming has stopped and I am only going out to places with people I trust and to very familiar places.
So, if I tell you that last weekend I went to Spain, you would think all I just said was totally contradictory. This was a hen weekend for My Niece who gets married in a couple of months and we stayed in my sister-in-laws beautiful house, both my girls and my cane came with me and I was well looked after. When we arrived there was talk of going to the local supermarket to buy food, thinking back now, I remember the pang of panic in my stomach, I would usually be the first one to be up for a trip to the shops, after all, that's where the chocolate is at! but I didn't go, there were also a couple of times when the girls wanted to stay at the house while everyone else went out, my instinct was to stay at the house and sit safely on a comfy sofa while my two lovely daughters got over their hangovers with their daily dose of 'the internet', but I went because I knew there was someone with me to tell me where the steps are, someone who wont let me wonder into the gents loo by mistake, someone who will read the menu out to me quietly, but most of all someone who will make me feel safe. I had a fantastic weekend, and despite my nerves the only real mishap I had was walking into furniture and the occasional Spanish person!
The biggest stress reliever EVER, was using Assistance at the airports. My sister-in-law booked Assistance for me when she booked the tickets and I can say, hand on heart, it was the most helpful thing I've ever tried.  I usually turn Assistance down because, well you know, I have the family with me, but what I didn't take into account is how stressful it is for them to safely guide me around the airport avoiding the mass of holiday makers and their luggage, people also have a habit of lying or sitting on the floor in these places which means they are at risk of getting my cane whipped around their legs, one bloke a few years ago even told me to..look where I was going, as my cane connected with his knees, bet he felt a right twat when he opened his eyes to see what had hit him! 
Anyway, USE ASSISTANCE!! Its fab, Stanstead was a breeze, assistance is just to the left as you go through the entrance, they have a separate seating area and they do exactly what you would expect. They assisted my girls and I all the way from walking through the door to boarding the plane, no queueing, no stressing. You go through the exact same routine except its so much easier. Arriving at Murcia Airport, the service was just the same, the staff were so helpful, we were whizzed through to collect our baggage and out into the sunshine before we knew it. On the way back the procedure was the same except we were taken onto the tarmac before the other passengers and this, what I can only describe as a room on wheels pulls up beside the plane, we were helped on and the little room separated from its wheels as a hydraulic lift thingy lifts us up to the doors on the plane and we were led to our seats. Those little tiny steps that lead up to the plane doors have always worried me so this was a real treat, and I can say I was more that happy to see a similar looking vehicle trundling across the tarmac towards our plane as we landed back at Stanstead. Although we left the plane last we were still assisted all the way to the carpark! 
So what do I do about my little routine I seem to have got suck in then? Well, I do what I usually do, I pull myself together and push forward. I will renew my railcard and go to the RAH. I suppose it would be sensible to build up to that, but I'm not one for doing things sensibly, however I will try to change the routine. Swimming will have to wait until after the Easter holidays, as there will be children, and children are unpredictable and bloody noisy! So, I'll let them do their thing first and swim when they are back at school. I also need to start thinking about a wedding outfit, so this will force me into the shops. 
Tomorrow, I will not spend the day in my PJ's and do the ironing, I will get dressed and do something different, I dunno what but I'll do it...honest!
Speak soon...hopefully! xx