Staying Calm

I started writing this blog nearly two weeks ago, I've lost count how many times I've thought about finishing it, then something more demanding rears its head. I had started the week after my last blog with  such good vibes and a determination to push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I finally renewed my disabled railcard in anticipation of my pending trip to the Royal Albert Hall this Sunday to see Carl Craig with Chineke Orchestra....I truly have no idea who Carl Craig is, but being in the RAH and listening to the sounds of any kind of music is where I find something special deep in my soul that I didn't know existed. And of course there's writing the review afterwards which as you all know, I love!

I also joined a group called the sunflower community that is working towards introducing Lanyards for people with invisible disabilities into supermarkets and have been completing tasks for them help them with their project. Each day over three weeks we are given a task, and then we report back our findings. Its actually good fun and its causing me to think outside my little tiny box which I seem to have found myself comfortably settled in.

Continuing with the pushing myself theme...thanks to a lovely lady....I'm going to do a spot of driving!! Yes, me, blind lady doing driving!! I've a feeling its a four wheel drive (sadly not a tank) with a instructor/guide type person. You drive for 30 mins and I'm so bloody excited I cant tell you! Its on the 31st May. I had seen a post on the RNIB east of England Facebook page ages ago and I thought it sounded like a fab idea, but as time ticked on and there was a date in place I was feeling a whole lot less confident, but I've been encouraged to attend, so I will go, the box is ticked! It is held in Thetford, and I was really panicked about getting there on the train, but its actually a easy run from here, only having to change once, and I will definitely be booking assistance though because it helps so much! 

So, all this happened at the start of last week and I was feeling like I was some sort of super hero special confident type lady, only to be put right back in my place on Tuesday.

Tuesday... things started to go rapidly down hill! My partner got rushed into hospital, and while I wont bore you with all the gory details, I found myself sitting in Resus at 10 o'clock at night, he was safely tucked up in a bed with tubes sprouting out of everywhere, and suddenly I realised I was on my own, in a hospital and now I had to find my way out...all on my own! 

As soon as the consultant told me that my not-so better half wasn't going anywhere that night except for CT scan, I began to panic. 

I had spent all day following nurses and doctors around, and I had been sat beside this shadow of a big man for hours listening to his machine bleeping away, that when I was told to go home and get some rest as there was nothing more I could do that night. I suddenly realised that I had no idea where I was in the hospital or how to get out. I felt I couldn't ask the staff as there was a constant flow of ambulances bringing casualties into the area and they were completely rushed off their feet. HOWEVER, when a young nurse came in to check the machines and do his obs, I bravely....for me...told her my situation and that my daughter was coming to fetch me but I wouldn't be able to make my way to her especially as it was now dark outside and I hadn't bought my cane, I was also fully aware that I had only seen patients with one family member in this area so I knew my daughter wouldn't be able to come to me.

The young nurse, phoned through to A&E and told the receptionist to expect someone to come asking for me, the next moment my daughter was quietly brought to Resus and that was that! Easy peasy.

Except when I got home I started feeling guilty that my last few moments at the hospital were spent worrying about myself instead of the man in the bed. Wednesday and Thursday were a complete blur of running back and forth to the hospital, sorting medicine, going to work and trying to keep the house functioning normally, mind you, I have to say I completely failed on the last one as by Sunday the whole house looked like a herd of Elephants with a need to try on every pair of shoes and item of clothing on they could find and leave them where they fancied had passed through my house. 

So I really did have to put on my big girl pants and get on with it, on-one was going to come along and sprinkle fairy dust over me and make everything alright, so the proof that I can move out of my little safety net is just there.  

Life seems to have evened out a bit this week, but I'm so tired, I forget that I cant function like I used to when my sight was better so as well as learning to push myself out of the comfort zone, it seems I need to learn to accept when my brain has had enough and rest! You all know that rest doesn't come easy to me, and tonight, I sit on the sofa, the only sound is the rain on the conservatory roof, Ralph is curled up beside me, my eldest has gone out with some friends from work...my youngest has decided to go to a nightclub!!! My girl is 18, she is a homegirl, the best thing in the world is to cuddle up with a bowl of fruit and watch old episodes of casualty with her Mumma. My mummy wisdom fell on deaf ears as I advise that for her very first taste of night life, she chooses a local town with some lively pubs and bars. So the child who, growing up, hated crowded places and loud noise decides she will be going to Milton Keynes (a good 40 minute drive away) to a night club called Pink Punters!! Not only that but she and her mates have booked themselves into a local hotel for the night...cos the club doesn't open until 9.30pm and closes at 6.30am!!

Honest to something more heavenly...I literally have spent the last two days following her around...so, text me when you get there... if someone offers you a drink...you say no thank you...if someone buys you a drink and gives it to you...you do not drink it.....if you are feeling unsafe...you go to the bar and ask if 'Angela' is working tonight....you stay with your friends, you do not get parallactic, you will text me every 20 minutes so I know you are ok!! ohh and you will text me when you are back in the hotel and you will text me when you are ready to leave on Saturday morning! AND by the way....have a really lovely time!

Am I just about the crappiest Mum ever?! I am trying to remind myself that I was a teenager once too, and I got into wayyyy much more trouble than she has, so why and I so afraid! 

I'm glad its raining, the drumming sound on the roof is calming and I need to stay calm!! This parenting lark gets harder, I look at my friends with their little sweet cute baby daughters and think...HA...Just you bloody wait!!

Hope you speak soon guys...but don't bank on it!