Just being Blind

WOW, that was lucky!!

My laptop did a 'clean up' thingy and completely wiped all my info, I don't ever write any passwords down, I usually just press 'forgot password' and make a new one, but this had even cleared all my email addresses, my blog email is different from my every day one, and I just couldn't remember it! I must have tried about 50 different combinations of words that I thought it might be and I was starting to think I had lost the whole blog, then yesterday, standing in front of the polo mints at work, I was talking to one of our temps, and BOOM, there it was, it popped right into my mind, as clear as day, absolutely no bloody clue what the password was, but hey, there's a way around that, so, here I am....back again!!

You'll be pleased to hear my Teabag stains have almost vanished, thanks to my magic cream applied twice a day!

It been a strange couple of weeks, my sister-in-law returned to her house on the top of a mountain in Spain last week, I am so pleased she is there safe and sound, because its such a beautiful place, but its triggered me into some very deep thinking. ...….like, Up there, on her hot and dusty mountain, she has solitude, I know not everyone likes their own company, but that is something we very much have in common, I miss having time to myself, just to sit quietly, no telly, no one asking me what I am doing sitting quietly, I admire her confidence but I am also envious.

And then I wonder if my craving to want to be somewhere quietly sitting on my own is a sign that I am either doing to much or that I am ready to stop or slow down the craziness of my life. I mean when and how will I know when I am too blind to do stuff. Obviously, I am wayyyyy to blind to ride my bike anymore, and that used to be my solitude, my peace, my healing if you like, from the day, the transition from work to home gave me chance to process my work, and clear my mind, ready to cope and manage whatever I walked into when I got home...Ie, a shit ton of washing, and mountain of washing up, cos no one seems to understand how to load a dishwasher, operated a washing machine or push a hoover around.

These days are so different, I spend nine hours of my day thinking about the best and quickest way to do things, thinking about my team and customers while trying to disregard the fact that half the time I cant see bugger all, and things often take me twice as long as a sighted person. I'm then driven home and delivered at my front door, where the whole process of being a mum, dog walker, cleaner and partner starts off again

 I'm scared that I will become too blind to do my role at work and not realise it. This week has been challenging to say the least, and I know I've made some mistakes, and everyone makes mistakes sometimes for all different reasons. 

So, why am I doubting my ability? It could be that I stood at my bedroom window the other day looking out at the back gardens, when I noticed a big black cat sitting in my neighbours garden, So I yelled to daughter number 1 to come and look at the big cat, Daughter number 1 comes running in and leaps on my bed to look out of the window at the 'cat'.....where Mum?...look, there, just sitting by the table in the garden......its a garden chair Mum!!…….oh! Shit, I thought it was a cat....

So, there's been a couple of occasions this week where I've got stuff completely wrong. Am I thinking too much into this? 

I think the trouble is, no one understands my absolute elation when I get something right, or how incredibly low it makes me feel when I get something wrong, when I get something right, I'm like...ohhh helll yeah, I did that on my own, even though my sight is crap....but getting something wrong, triggers this whole...if only I could see a bit better then I would have stood a better chance of getting that thing right!!

Then I start feeling sorry for myself, and then that's when I crave sitting on the side of a mountain in Spain with my sister-in-law because, if there is one woman in this world who understands, it is gonna be her.

This weeks deep thinking trigger was a young woman who came into the shop looking for Tonic water, she was tottering around excitedly talking loudly to anyone who would listen about how she was JUST BEING SOOOOO BLIND because she hadn't seen the Tonic water and it was in front of her this whole time.......what the hell does that even mean???

Why do we say that? Why?

 If we cant see something why do we say we are just being blind, Just being blind isn't something that we can put JUST in front of, other than that you are not bloody blind, you are JUST too bloody lazy to look properly and ask someone to help you, and then say you are just being blind as if that's some kind of bloody excuse! 

This usually doesn't bother me, but I was really offended by the giggly way this woman was almost suggesting that someone who is blind wouldn't be able to find a bloody bottle of Tonic water on the shelf, Luckily for this woman, the wonderful young man I was working with, whisked this woman off to pay for the said bottle of Tonic water before I punched her on the nose.....for your information, before you stereotype blindness, I think you will find that a person with a visual impairment is way more likely to find something on the shelf, because we look properly, we think about what we are looking for and wouldn't even think about looking for Tonic water in the bread isle, we are methodical in thinking, yeah, ok, we might not be able to read the label underneath the product, so we rely on you sighted folks to match the product with the correct label, but don't ever think you can use the excuse of just being blind because you can't find something, try using your common sense, cos that something most of us have blind or not!

I'm ranting now, I hear people say it ten times a day! you wouldn't swear at someone and then say ohhh sorry, I'm just being like I've got Tourettes syndrome would you?

Plus it makes a mockery of me, I spend most if not all my time covering up the fact that my sight is very poor and ignoring the fact that I will eventually loose it completely, so IF I couldn't find something and had to ask for help, I would avoid admitting the reason for this is that I am blind.

Like I say it doesn't usually bother me at all, so I don't really understand why I let it upset me so much, maybe she made me feel a bit useless, but I know my brain more than makes up for what my eyes don't see!

The last three months at Tesco has caused us to meet people and form relationships and bonds with people we might never have met, customers and staff. The bond we have as a team has become very strong, and I appreciate every single moment I have spent with our little Tesco team, they never ever see me as anything else that ME, they tolerate my mistakes and eat my cakes, whatever happens next, I will always think about the COVID19 of 2000 with fondness of the fun we had filling shelves to feed the nation, you are fab Team H.

Right, I've gotta go take my little hairy bestie for a walk...speak sooonnn xx