The next few days went by in a blur, the end of the summer holidays came and I had to go back to work, I tried my best to act 'normal'. The thing I think most people who know me find hard is that I don't look any different than before, perhaps my eye doesn't open as wide as my other one, but considering what my eye has been through it still looks healthy.
The first day was a training day which I coped with by attaching myself to someone, at the tea break and dinner I stayed at the table not daring to move as I was in unfamiliar surroundings, I had caught the train into work and walked to the school, the school has two sites, one I have known for about 11 years, the other one, where our training was held, I hadn't been in often enough for my brain to remember where everything was. I went home exhausted, and if I am honest a little emotional, this year I was to work with a male teacher who I didn't know and another TA who is lovely but again, and no disrespect to her, but I have to trust the people I am working closest with. This put me in a huge dilemma, do I give up, am I a risk to the children, I couldn't sleep that night all these things were going round and round in my head. The following morning I went back into work with the intention of grabbing my boss and letting her know what was going on, but with one thing and another I kept missing her, so I went to the classroom and started to help prepare the class for when the children came back. The teacher asked me to collect some things from the resources garage, I was crafty and got someone else to fetch me the key as I knew I wouldn't be able to see which number the key was hanging from, all was good, until I stood in the garage with all this stuff and realised that I couldn't see a thing, a Panic attack is something produced from the devil himself, its a bitch of a thing, and there's bugger all I can do to stop it until my brain starts to remember the warning signs. first its like a massive black mist surrounding me, I cant breath, I start to shake, I feel sick and dizzy and my brain goes 'empty' I have a overwhelming need to run away, get far far away, and then I cry and oh boy, not silent tears, great big fat sobs and I cant stop them, this is bad for my eyes as crying messes up my contact lenses and I cant see, which then sends me off into another panic. I fell out of the garage, somehow locked the door, fetched my coat, gave the key into the office and told them I was going home, how the hell I got home that day with out killing myself I will never know, I tried to pull myself together all the way to the train station, people were looking at me, I knew I looked a state and I thought I was calming down a bit, I got to the platform, then it came back, worse than before, I totally lost control this time, everything went, tears, snot, shakes and bowels, a fast train shot past on the other platform and in those few seconds I wanted to put myself under it, my train pulled in a moment later, do I get on it, how am I going to get home, I cant sit down, I have messed myself...WOMAN ,you have to get home! luckily I was far enough up the platform for me to get on the last carriage, there was two people sitting in a carriage, I stayed, with my head down, by the train doors, my stop is 5 minutes down the line, as I stood there another wave of emotion swept over me, humiliation, ashamed that I had no control over myself, at the time I was annoyed with myself for letting it happen, not realising that this is a process I had to go through for me to get where I am now. I got off at my stop and walked the short distance to my house, let myself in, went straight to the bathroom and cleaned myself up, I put my clothes in the washing machine, tidied up the breakfast things, looked at the post, then I went and sat in my conservatory, picked up the phone and called my partner at work, I explained all and started to cry again, he couldn't leave work so I called Mum, I howled down the phone to her, proper big sobs, she instructed me to get an appointment at the doctors, I rang then, nope, no appointments till next week, I phone Mum back, relay information...the next minute my sister comes flying around the corner into the car park out side my house, and she takes me to the doctors where the receptionist has miraculously found an appointment. From there things really started to move, he wouldn't give me anti depressants because he said I had to work my way through it, this was very early days and what I was feeling was a kind of grief, so I had to go through the motions and not mask it....other than that he knows I am a tough cookie.....your joking right? I just nearly put myself under a train!...yeah, but you didn't and that's what makes you a tough cookie...However, there are people I should get in touch with and they will help me, Bedfordshire sight concern, Action for Blind, Access to work, my Doctor, who I know well, scribbles some phone numbers down, tells me that I am a strong, brave and determined lady, and oh yes, I have the letter from the hospital, and I am signing you off from work until you have learnt to adjust to the new way you will have to live your life, this does not mean sitting a home doing nothing, it means calling these numbers making appointments and getting the help and support that is available. right o, I best get on with that then......
No comments:
Post a Comment