SLOW DOWN!!!

From the first injection everything sort of steam rolled, I was going back to the hospital every six weeks, each time I had to have an assessment and tests to see how much fluid was leaking and if the Dr felt another injection was necessary. One time my appointment had fallen on the 15th of December, I always like to get the train before the train that I need..hope that makes sense? but on this occasion, we got on a packed train (cos everyone and their mum seemed to be off to do a spot of Christmas shopping) then the bloody thing broke down at Hitchin station, every time mum and I go to the hospital, whether it be for an appointment or one of my famous visits to A&E, we don't eat, Mum drinks coffee, but I cant stomach anything, in fact we got into a routine that neither of us ate or drank until we were on Finsbury Park station on the way home, then she would have coffee and I would have a ginger biscuit. Anyway, on this day, the lump in my stomach was particularly big, and I just felt like it was going to be a bad day. Just as I was thinking about ringing the hospital to tell them I was going to be late, we started to move, usually Mum and I chatter, but not today, everyone was getting on my nerves, a bloke in the seats in front of me on his mobile phone, although he didn't really need one as he was talking so loud I suspect he could be heard all over the country, a young girl sat across from us had her ipod on, but it was so loud through her earphones all I could hear was the buzz of the base! When we reached Finsbury Park, a torrent of people got off and swarmed onto the platform, during my training I had been taught that if I felt unsafe to find something solid, like a wall, and stand with my back to it and lean on it taking deep breathes until either someone could help me or I could figure out what I needed to do next. I felt so odd, I moved to the waiting room wall and stood as close to it as I could and let people move past me, our train came in, but I couldn't get on it so we waited the whole 6 minutes for the next one. I can only way I can describe the way I was feeling is, you know when you've been at work all week, and its been a manic one, you reach Friday and you think, balls, I'm off down the pub? you get in there and get the wine in, before you know it you've drank two bottles of wine and then realise all you've had to eat today is a packet of crisps, so you stand up and there's that terrible feeling that the room is spinning, your tummy keeps flipping, you start with the hot and cold sweat thing, and then the nausea sets in? Well, that's how I was feeling. we got to the hospital and the staff, that I was now becoming familiar with, knew something was wrong, they were extremely under staffed and said there could be quite a wait so they did my tests then sent me off to the café, I tried hard to eat and drink thinking this was the reason for me feeling so strange, as we wondered back I barked at Mum for bumping into me and commented that every bloody one was bumping into me, all she said was "Lynda, its not everyone else, its you" well, that was like a slap in the face, here I was barrelling along, there is nothing WRONG with me, I just have very poor sight, why the hell is my balance off. I explained how I was feeling to the Dr, who proceeded to make me follow him around the corridors, he moved sometimes quick and sometimes slow, we had a destination, but I don't remember it, all I remember was I kept bumping into things, tripping over chairs or seeing things too late, I was getting properly pissed off with myself. Turns out my eye sight had deteriorated again, only slightly but enough for my brain to be screaming, "WHAT THE HELL WOMAN, WILL YOU SLOW DOWN SO I CAN RESET MYSELF TO WHAT YOU ARE SEEING"....I cant tell you how many people tell me to slow down, it is not/has not been in my vocabulary, I have a real problem when there are a lot of people moving all at the same time, my brain cannot cope with the images it is trying to process, if I am tried or unwell, my body sort of says right that's enough and starts to shut down, I cant fight it and I know I need to listen to what my body is telling me, I know I need to slow down and I know I need not to put myself in situations that I cant cope with, but I am a awkward, stubborn old boot and I feel ashamed to say when I cant do something, even when I know I have to stop, I have become fantastic at pretending, every challenge I face makes me stronger, but I have learnt some very hard lessons and have been trying to slow down (Honestly, I have!!)