Every time I went for an injection, I got braver, and the bleeding behind the retina seemed to be less and less apparent each time. It was the same routine when I went for my fifth injection, blood pressure, eye sight test, dilation and anaesthetic, and then testing to check fluid and blood levels behind the retina....oh, did I mention about having pressure taken? after each injection, before they let you go home they check these pressures (I have no idea what that is about, as usually I am so relieved that the injection is over that they can do what they like to me, because surely there cant be anything worse!). Again the nurse took me into a little room, and describes what they are going to do, its a little hand held device they put right onto your eye that checks these pressures, if they are too high or too low you cant go home! I don't know what happens then as each time mine were spot on, I think maybe once the nurse made me wait five minutes, checked them again and pronounced me good to go. I often wondered if the nurses keep describing things when they are out of work, you know, they are bathing their baby and proceed to describe the whole procedure to the baby, a bit like when you have learnt to use sign language, you tend to use it for everyone, and find yourself looking like you have blown a kiss to a man in his lorry when he has stopped to let you cross the road, when all you are doing is signing 'thank you'!
To be honest, I think I was getting a little cocky with the injections and the whole testing routine, and the whole experience was making me more and more independent, I remember saying to Mum, ohhh I could probably come on my own now, and Mum just giving me her WTF look and saying errr no! and me thinking,,,,bloody hell, I am not six, I can do this on my own!...then, once again, I am taught a lesson in, just when you think you know what's going to happen, it changes!
I was laying on the bed, head secured, clamp holding my eye open, and I was completely relaxed and thinking about whether or not someone would remember to put the Lasagne on that I had made for tea, nurse puts in drops, yep check, Dr is leaning on my cheek, yep check, injection is going in, yep check.....I hear the Dr say 'shit' and feel his body jump with panic....errrr no, this is NOT in the routine, I hear running feet, the clamp and my head support are whisked off, doors start opening and closing, I am hearing lots of different voices, I cant see or feel anything, panic sets in, but my brain tries to override it, nah, cant be me, perhaps the Dr broke something, OR perhaps something has happened in the other treatment room........next thing Tina is there, she is standing stroking her thumb up and down my forehead, saying 'hello my darling, everything is ok, the doctor will be back in just a moment, then I start to cry, bugger, it IS me. Then all I can think is Mum is sitting outside and there is all these people running in and out of the room, she must be terrified, so I cry harder, Tina is telling me I must stop crying.
It felt like I was stuck on that bed for ages, when the Dr came back he had brought along some friends, they all came and stood around the bed, tutting and making sympathetic sounds....my brain was screaming, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAS HAPPENED...but all I did was sob and wait, all my confidence, braveness and even my cockiness had vanished, I felt very very small and at the mercy of someone who wouldn't tell me what was happening, doors open and closed again, the Dr whispered some instructions to Tina and she quickly began opening packets, the Dr took my hand and said 'I am so sorry, but you have had a haemorrhage, and I am afraid that your eye looks terrible, I don't think we will be able to risk any more injections'. Silence...I couldn't think of anything to say, what was I supposed to say? 'ohhh that's ok then '. For the very first time I felt sorry for myself, why me? what the eff have I done to deserve this? I sat on the edge of the bed, trying to pull myself together, sort yourself out woman, you are not dead, and theres lots of others waiting out there, oh shit there IS lots of others out there, I ask Tina to fetch my sunglasses from Mum, explaining that if I was sitting in the waiting area and someone had come out of the treatment room looking as awful as the Dr said I did, I would be running for the nearest tube station!....needless to say, she went and fetched my sunglasses. Mum was brought into the little area between the waiting area and the treatment room, and someone, a voice I didn't recognise explained what had happened, what was happing next and what the future held...no more injections. My Mum is a tough cookie, looked at my eye and said 'ohhhhh, that's not too bad Lynda, lets get you home and in to bed, perhaps it would be best if the girls don't see you until tomorrow' that said it all really. The nurse came back with a big bag of medicine and I went home.
As it happened, I was in bed asleep when my daughters came in from school, when they came to say goodnight, the bedroom light was switched off so they didn't really see me until the following morning, they were frightened of me, it must have looked so scary to them, my whole eye was red, I couldn't put my contact lenses in so I couldn't see it, it took weeks and weeks for the eye to return to the normal colour, but it did, and I am so thankful that it did, because I don't want to stand out, I don't want sympathy, I don't want to be treated any differently, and that is hard because I do have a disability but I do not and will not consider myself as being disabled, in my eyes being disabled has a full stop after it, and it is meant for a unfortunate soul who is unable to do certain things, having a disability means I just have to look at different ways of achieving what I want to do. I have worked with and understood someone who is truly disabled, and they do deserve respect, understanding, sympathy and empathy, I do not put myself in that category equally I do not put myself in the same category as someone who claims to be disabled and sits back and lets the state look after them, when actually they could probably do a lot more for themselves, and now I will get off my soap box and go take the dog for a walk :)
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