New years eve...eve!!

Hello everyone,
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, despite my continuous warning to my lot about not spending too much money on me it fell on deaf ears and I was very spoilt! I had a lovely pair of wellies, as the ones I had been using were my daughters that I brought her for the Reading festival this year and now have a hole in, I also had two pairs of thick wellie socks, which I need all year round, I have always had really cold hands and feet, you'll find me wearing two pairs of socks most days! Which is why Father Christmas put lots of pairs of everyday socks and woolly socks in my stocking.

 
Rubbish photo of my new wellies 😀
Best of all, I had a watch, not any watch, but one from the RNIB, ladies watches from the RNIB tend to be a little errrr aimed at the, sort of, older generation, I know I am nearing that sort of age, but I don't intend to act my age for many years yet... so I asked Santa to please look for a watch that wasn't too 'flowery' so the one that got delivered has a white leather look strap and a nice big clear watch face. I have brought talking watches before, but firstly, I find it embarrassing having a mechanical voice tell me the time when I am in a crowded place, a bit like that little button on your mobile phone which you touch to let you record a voice text instead of typing, which is a massively fantastic invention, and is fine when you are on your own, but not so good when you are on a packed bus and your daughter text you to tell you she in on the train to college by writing CHOO CHOO, and you always reply CHOO CHOOOO back, making yourself look a right Pratt as you try to whisper CHOOO CHOOO into your phone as quietly and clearly as you can.
Secondly, these talking watches don't like going around the washing machine and I am prone to putting my watch into the pocket of my jeans....you know the rest!

It nice to know my little family know me so well, as I also had fluffy boot slippers, fluffy pj's, a big fluffy scarf , two new coats, lots of relaxing bath stuff, some beautiful smelly candles, loads of chocolate and some pukka hand cream.

And to top it all off, we managed to have the sort of Christmas we wanted, no demands, we had a lovely couple of days curled up on the sofa opening gifts, watching TV and just being together.

Now I suppose we need to get back into some sort of normality and routine, but before we do, we need to see in the new year, this is something I have struggled with for many years, I don't like new years eve and hate celebrating it, I find it very depressing and would much rather be snuggled up in my bed with the covers tucked up tight under my chin, than out seeing the new year in with a drink in my hand. I find it very hard to describe my reasoning, its like the closure of a year is so final, I know its only a year, but while we were in that year we were safe, a new year brings new challenges, its 'new', unknown...what will happen during this new year? and the knowledge that there is nothing I can do to stop things happening, I know I am not making any sense at all, but I did say I found it hard to explain didn't I?

Maybe its the thought of starting another year without my Dad that is the underlying problem, especially as it would have been his 70th birthday in Feb which means he has been gone for 20 years! which is a complete bugger because it still feels like yesterday. Or maybe is the thought of my sight getting worse, because as the years pass, it will get worse...anyway, this year I realised I was starting to think about new years eve in August, how much I hate it, and suddenly I was aware that if I wasn't careful my girls would absorb my negativity towards new year and end up hating it too, so I booked us up for a night out. Tomorrow night, new years eve, the girls, mum and I will be attending a new years eve spectacular thingy! I have even booked us into a hotel for the night so the blind lady doesn't have to struggle getting three drunk ladies home!!

As any lady will tell you, a night out means a new dress, which means several shopping trips, my youngest daughter now has two dresses and I am told this is better than not having any!! Not sure my bank balance would agree, but there you go!

Today my youngest and I braved the freezing fog to go shoe shopping, which was very successful, as you all know, if I am in familiar surroundings and with someone I trust, I tend not to use my cane and today I witnessed something that has troubled me somewhat. Tesco in Stevenage, as you walk in through the doors, to your left is a little travel money exchange booth and then vegetable isle, directly in front is flowers and fruit and then to the right are the tills, further right is the what I would describe as the exit strip, and then there is the fag and lotto counter, so you go in, do your shopping, go to the tills, move along the exit strip, do the fag and lotto counter on the way out if you fancy it and exit out the same doors you came in. Today is Friday, Fridays are always busy in supermarkets so I was surprised to find myself coming face to face with a woman, her white cane and her 'helper' who was guiding her against the stream of people up the exit isle, I wanted to scream WHAT THE EFFING HELL ARE YOU DOING, but this woman and her guide were hell bent on walking into the oncoming crowd, she swiping her stick and he was shouting instructions over the shop noise. Surely, it makes sense to teach people to access their environment safely and with the least stress as possible, the woman was swiping her stick with such vigour that she was sending people in all directions, for me, I only saw her stick at the last minute and that was because my daughter slipped her arm through mine and guided me around her stick. The situation to many people isn't worth a second thought, but for me I found it interesting, part of me felt that they were pushing their way into the crowd just because they could, what is this teaching the woman? That you have a disability that gives the right and the tools to make people move out of your way? That you are adverse to what is going on around you making you ignorant to the other humans around you? The fact that the exit strip leads no where makes the situation even worse,  the woman was attracting lots of negative attention and I am puzzled as to why you would put someone in such a stressful situation seemingly unnecessarily. In my experience, and its just about the one thing I am experienced in, mobilising myself safely involves a lot more than grabbing my cane and ploughing through crowds of people swiping at anything and everything that gets in the way, for me fitting in to the crowd is much safer than working against it, that doesn't mean to say standing out is a bad thing, and maybe if I carried my cane more often people would have a little more patience and respect for me, but this works both ways, bugger I have just realised that my waffling on has turned from new years eve eve, into new years eve! So I must go to bed as I have a long day ahead.

FOR NOW I WOULD LIKE TO WISH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU A VERY HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR XXX

I promise to continue my rantings in the 2017, all the very best, speak soon xx

Christmas Eve, Eve

Hello Everyone,
I am so very lucky to say I have a whole day with nothing planned, which is just as well as the weather is miserable!
I finished work for the Christmas holidays on Wednesday, spent all day, and I mean all day, yesterday catching up with housework and last minute shopping, I even managed to fit in a long dog walk.
Wednesday night, Mum, the girls and I went to our local church for the carol service, I used to take the girls when they were small, but over the last few years it has gone forgotten.
This year, however, I feel the need for some tradition, with all that has happened this year it feels slightly wrong to be celebrating a religious festival that seems to have got lost along the way.
Christmas seems to have turned into a frenzy of greed and gluttony, most of us are spending these last few days rushing around buying enough food to feed a small army for one day, all for it to go out of date on the 27th and end up in the bin,
I watched a woman yesterday ramming her shopping trolley full of half price gifts...because they are half price...and for a second I thought, ohhh god, perhaps I haven't brought enough for my girls, perhaps I should be charging around the shops grabbing anything that makes the pile of gifts under the Christmas tree look bigger!
I could throw more money at buying more rubbish, but actually what difference would that make? I love my little family unconditionally and how many gifts are under the tree will not change that, I show how important they are to me everyday not by showering them with gifts they don't want or need but by being there for them, listening and supporting them and spend time together. For me, this is what Christmas day will be about this year, not what's under the tree but just being together.
Anyway, enough of the soft crap, I was telling you about going to the Carol service. The church is a two minute walk away from my house, so we left about 6.30 for a 7pm start....I know!!! but apparently you have to go early to get a good seat! Is there such a thing in a cold old church?/
As we approached there was this old man dragging himself toward the church door he really wasn't walking very well and he was very out of breath, I recognised him as John who lives in the flats near my house, so I went into what some people might call nosy old cow mode, others might say I was being kind, I walked up to John and asked if he needed my arm to help him get into church, which he accepted very happily. As I walked in, lots of people said hello to John but no one offered to help him, I was mildly disappointed that although he seemed a popular fella there seemed a lack of community spirit.
I left John sitting on a 'comfy' chair, and went off to sit with Mum and the girls. we had our candles lit, sung carols and listened to readings...I am a little ashamed to confess that I didn't really care much for the readings, but singing along to the carols despite the fact that the print on the carol sheet was too small for me to read and we were singing by candle light made no difference, I still enjoyed it.
Tea and mince pies were offered after so I got John a cup of tea and set him up with a mince pie, and he asked me to walk him home, to which, without even thinking about it, I replied..'of course'.
It wasn't until I had John hanging off of my arm and we were both trying to navigate the big concrete steps at the front door of the church that it suddenly dawned on me!!!
WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING....Its pitch black outside, I have trouble seeing where I am going myself, how on earth am I going to get John safely home??
Actually we did really well, John walked very slowly which was a good job really. Although now that I think about it, I was a bit stupid really and I feel I have opened myself up to a whole can of worms. Why did I think it was ok for me to walk John home? Supposing I had fallen? he definitely would have come down with me, and what if he had ended up in hospital? even worse I could have been responsible for something that I don't want to think about, and it would have been my fault, how would I have lived with myself.
At the end of the day, or night! all ended well, and John got through his front door without hitch, but once again I have learnt yet another lesson.
That was lesson number two of the week, lesson number one came last Saturday when I walked Ralph around to our local shop to buy a holy wreath to take to the cemetery for my Dad, I thought Ralph and I would then walk from the shop straight to the cemetery, its getting on for about a three mile walk I should think. I didn't get far before the wreath jabbing into my leg every time it got caught on Ralphs lead was driving me mad, I saw some people standing at the bus stop and was delighted to remember my bus pass was in my pocket, so Ralph, the wreath and I caught the bus to the cemetery, perfect. I spent sometime having a chat with Dad and pulling a few weeds.
I quite like going to visit Dad but have always struggled with leaving, I hate the thought of walking away and leaving him there, so when the time comes to go, I do it hurriedly, Ralph was a massive distraction but I still needed to pull a tissue out of my coat pocket as I went through the gates, I got half way home and a something in my head was shouting...WHERE'S YOUR BUS PASS???
 Shit, I must have checked my pockets a million times, but I had dropped it somewhere, as I walked home I could hear a bus coming along the road behind me, wait...its the same bus I caught coming back through the village, so I waved it down and asked the bus driver if I could check to see if I had dropped it, I didn't find it and despite the bus driver offering to drop me off at the top of the village at the bus stop near my home, I got off and walked the rest of the way, knowing the bloody thing had fallen out of my pocket when I had pulled out my tissue.
I did think about walking back and looking for it, but it was foggy and very cold, and Ralph is very small, so I went home. I looked into requesting a new one on line, but I was gutted, I know its only a bus pass, but I felt like I had lost a massive slice of independence, I can go anywhere on that bus pass, without a penny in my pocket, even if I need to go to the doctors I can jump on a bus!
It put me in a mood for the rest of the day, my daughter wrote a message on our village Facebook page asking people to look out for it, and Sunday night at about 11pm, a lady messaged back saying she had seen my bus pass, it was on the wall at the cemetery, I couldn't sleep I was so excited, first thing Monday morning I got a lift down to the cemetery and there it was...I cant tell you how pleased I was and still am!
So lesson number one was be more careful with my bus pass and try to be braver when leaving the cemetery!

Although he had his coat on and was toasty warm, it would have exhausted him to walk all the way back to the cemetery and then all the way home again!!

Well, youngest daughter and I are about to watch Home Alone 2, so I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and wise new year xxx

My xmas Decs!!

Hello everyone,
Once again the blogging seems to have been pushed down on the list of things I need to do, but I hope this blog finds you all safe and well?
Being that crazy time of the year again, I find I can only focus on shopping, as you all know, Mum starts marching me around the shops in the middle of October trying to get me organised as come the beginning of December its just far to busy...for me anyway!
I dunno, this year, its just not really felt like Christmas in the shops, Mum and I went into Peterborough on the train in the last week of November, John Lewis just didn't have that Christmas buzz like it usually does and I think their festive stuff is the same old crap they bring out every year. For years and years, I have brought the Barnardo's mugs they sell, and they are always really eye catching, this year they have the dog on from their advert bouncing on some kids trampoline, and frankly, they just don't fit the bill, so I stuck £20 in the Barnardo's collection box instead.
Maybe its just me but everything seems half hearted, it has really been a dreadful year with one thing and another, and I have heard many people saying they cant wait for January to roll itself around, or maybe..just maybe I am getting old!
Peterborough decs weren't bad....

See, it wasn't too busy and I stood for ages watching the 'light tree' and all the people walking by, whilst Mum took herself around M&S.

Despite the lack of enthusiasm I have for Christmas and the total chaos that's been going on around me the last few weeks, the girls and I have made our house into a real grotto.

Lights in the garden trees...

Conservatory, looks festive...

Ralph has got his very own tree beside his bed...

And finally my living room with my big tree..

Nothing nicer than sitting with in the dark with just the Christmas tree lights on, watching a Christmas movie with my girls and Ralph.

Remember how I told you before about the whole blue badge thing, how I hated it and really didn't want it, it came anyway and I stuffed it in a draw and use it very rarely?

Last week, I needed to nip into Hitchin to pick up my daughters contact lenses, I would usually pop in on the bus, but I have been having trouble with my blood pressure falling too low and I just felt light headed and a bit wobbly.

Added to this lovely Tuesday morning was bright brilliant sunshine after a heavy frost, and well to be honest when a lift was offered I took it, grabbing my blue badge for parking as we went out the door. we parked in a disabled space near to the town and displayed my badge, in the half anhour it took to walk around to collect contact lenses and walk back to the car, a traffic warden had slapped a ticket on the car.....it took me a while to figure out why we got the ticket....

It seems my badge is a good 21 months out of date, I never even noticed, I rarely use it, I haven't received a reminder for renewal, I do feel a little cheated, but I paid the £35 and put it in the box in my head of all the things I wont let happen again, when I got home I got on to renewing it, after ages on the computer, I discovered that it will cost me another £10!!

The moral of the story is, if you are a blue badge owner...check the bloody expiry date cos them buggers ent gonna remind you when its time to renew!

All this kinda killed my mood for a quiet and lovely day out with the other half, instead we both got cranky, stomped around a garden centre, had breakfast in their café and went home!

Speaking of the delightful central Bedfordshire council, they actually managed to come out and replace the concrete slabs behind my garden gate which we use to access our back garden, tree roots had pushed them in all directions and I kept tripping over them when I went out to the bins, they do look rather lovely now, all straight and flat....nearly makes me want to sweep them, but after a few seconds the feeling wears off...luckily!

Speak soon x

 

RNIB HAUL No 2

Hello everyone,
It's funny how my first order took months a arrive, the second order was here within two days! I know the order was smaller this time, anyway, its here and I am very pleased with it. I have brought batteries to go in the light wands and have used the sticky pads that they came with to stick them in my cupboards, I would show you a picture, but now I can see in the cupboards, I realise how incredibly messy they are, clearing them out will be a job for the Christmas holidays.
I got three more light wands, another cutting board, red this time and this very fetching computer key board.

The key board just plugs into the back of my laptop, right now as I type, the keyboard is sitting on one of those dinner tray things on my lap and my laptop is on the arm of the sofa, its much easier to use, its the same with the big PC, just plug it into the USB thingy and away you go. Fab, I wish I had one of these months ago, it would have made using the computer so much easier.

The RNIB have a online shop that is easy to access, there are some really helpful gadgets in there as well as bigger things like mobile phones, I know I had a bad experience with ordering from them, but when someone finally got down to looking into the problem, it seems there were problems with several other orders that were placed that day, so it sounds like it was a computer glitch. A couple of years ago, I brought a speaking watch from there, the ladies ones aren't super snazzy but they do what they are supposed to do, touch the little button on the side of the watch face and a little computerised voice tells you the time, press it again and it tells you that date. I was quite fond of my watch, until it found its way into the washing machine, sadly it was never the same after that. I think I might look into getting another one, also check out the measuring jugs and weighing scales, I like to cook and bake, but my equipment lets me down and just irritates me when I cant see what I am weighing or measuring.

I also wanted to talk to you about talking books. Although I am a very active person, there are times when I just want to sit quietly, in total silence, I think this is because my head is often crammed full of millions of different sounds and my brain is working overtime trying to process all the images I see, silence and sitting still gives my brain time to sort of repair. However, this can be a very dangerous time, as sitting quietly can soon turn into thinking, thinking is fine but over thinking is not fine, over thinking produces emotions and thoughts that distort your perception and can turn a very small and insignificant situation into something which majorly effects your ability to have rational thoughts...bit like taking drugs I suppose.

I am a over thinker, but I KNOW I am a over thinker, that's where the difference lies, I am aware that I can convince myself that the whole world hates me or that I am fat, ugly and stupid, I can turn peoples words around in my head until the thing that they said to me takes on a whole different meaning, and suddenly I am worrying about something that's not even there!

That's where the talking books are hero's on little memory sticks.

Many many, years ago, when I was small, my Mum used to listen to talking books, I could never really understand why, she used to get them from the library, and they came on 'TAPE'!! We used to walk into the kitchen and there she would be listening to Miss Marple whilst peeling the veg, I used to think she was a bit nuts, grab my wellies and go off to see what trouble I could get into in the garden.

How things have changed, these days you get memory sticks with the stories on, plug them into a USB hole and you are sorted, I use to download them onto a mp3 player and listen to them on the train on the way to work, now I no longer get the train to work, I just play them through my laptop. I remember when Mum used to get them there used to be very little choice, bit like the old large print books, they were all Mills and Boon, romance just isn't high on my agenda unfortunately.

  I receive two stories, when I have listened to them both, I send them back and another two pop through my door, simple as that.

Calibre are a charity, when you register with them they ask a bit about you so they can send stories relevant to your interests, over the years I have only received a couple of stories that I couldn't get into.

The magazine is handy all the stories are categorised and it gives you the name of the book, a bit about it and most importantly, the person who is narrating it, believe me, there is nothing worse than listening to someone for four hours who has a voice that either drives you crackers or sends you to sleep. For those, who for one reason or another, are unable to get out, these types of charities and organisations are a real life line. To lose yourself in a book is a very special feeling, it sparks the imagination and gives you something to think about, I found listening to the stories helps me to relax, it also helps me to stay grounded, I was separated from the real world for a while, but when I turned off the story I seemed to have more of a positive energy, there is nothing like a good book, ask anyone!!

The white label slides out and my address is on the other side, so I just switch it over when I send the stories back.

This week has been a strange one, I made a couple of mistakes at work on Monday, I know why they happened but it has stopped me beating myself up over them, Tuesday, I went shopping on my own...all the way to Stevenage on the train, its gonna sound daft to you but, I made a list (fairly normal behaviour for a woman my age) but I also visualised my route, I mapped the shops out in my head and my list coincided with the route, like, first stop was Tesco, when I got to Tesco, I checked the list (Tesco stuff at the top of the list) and I brought NOTHING else, and then I went to the next shop and did exactly the same, I even scheduled in a stop at the Café! Totally perfect, the only thing I hadn't factored in was the rain, but hey its just rain...lots of it, but just rain.

So why the hell today when I went into Hitchin was it a bloody disaster? I did the same sort of thing, bank, post office, Sainsbury, Wilkinson, Superdrug and Marks, It might not have been as simple as I couldn't get my usual seat on the bus so I had to sit nearer the back, which meant there would be two steps down from the back of the bus instead of the one step from where I usually sit, I had this two step crap in my head all the way to town, and when the bus stopped I had this little vice screaming in the back of my head TWOOOO STEPPPPSSS, DONT FALL DOWN THE BLOODY STEPS!!!

Then this woman started talking to me...Yes, TALKING, she was just walking along beside me just chatting about what cake she was going to buy, bloody hell woman, you are seriously messing with my flow! Off she went to buy a doughnut or maybe an éclair or perhaps a custard tart, cos she really fancied a custard tart and I scooted into the bank, on-one about so I made my way to the business till only to be cut up by a old couple who thought it was fucking hilarious that they had brought a suitcase full of 2 pence's to be banked, luckily another member of staff saw the look on my face and steered me to a help desk where she took my bits and  used the computer where the old couple were happily counting out their 2p's.

Post office next, the cue was coming out of the door so I joined it behind a man and his little darling who had his very lovely scooter and thought it was ok to keep driving over everyone's feet...By the time I had been in the other three shops I stood outside Marks with the familiar sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I just wanted to roll into a ball and cry myself to sleep, but I went in got what was on my list and came out just as my bus home was pulling up, I literally ran across the road, so pleased to be going home, unfortunately there was the whole two step business thing again because my seat was unavailable. I have sat in complete silence for 45 minutes before I started writing this blog, youngest daughter is about to come through the door, at least my brain has been rested!

Speak soon, I think it will be time to put up the Christmas Tree this weekend, I will show you a photo x

Ralph

Hi Everyone,
Just a quick blog tonight, I thought I would talk to you about dogs! This is our dog, Ralph

Now, I am sure many of you are dog lovers, but for me animals have never really been my thing. I have told you about the lady who came out to talk to me about getting a guide dog, even now I still think of the massive responsibility owning a guide dog is, more so than a pet, because they are not pets, don't get me wrong, you love them like part of the family, actually many people love them more than their family, but which ever way you look at it, a guide dog is there to do a job, to help people cope better in their environment, the bond and trust between a guide dog and its owner becomes unbreakable.....I am not ready for a guide dog, for many reasons, but mostly because I break things easily! 

Anyway, I am already drifting away from what I was going to say! we will have had Ralph for two years in January, we had him from six weeks old, which I now believe is too young for a pup to leave its mum, but there we go!

He is a Chinese crested Pomeranian/Chihuahua cross, and well, he can be a bossy little bugger.

For years my girls wanted a dog, and I had put them off, but the first year I spilt from my partner was so difficult I felt we needed something else in our lives, something for us all to share and care for. So I bit the bullet. The first few days and nights were a complete bloody disaster, he peed, pooed and puked everywhere and cried all night, three nights in and he was still crying all night, even after trying all the usual tricks, like playing soft music, leave a ticking clock near his bed so it sounds like a heart beat, giving him a soft toy or wrapping him up in a blanket, so I did the unforgivable, I went downstairs scooped him up and took him back to bed with me, he curled up beside me and fell asleep straightaway, I, however, laid there all night totally pissed off with myself, knowing that I had just let myself in for a nightmare, like with babies when you take them to your bed its really hard to get the little buggers back into their own beds.

The following night, we put him in his crate, and he sat there all tiny and fluffy watching our bedtime routine, then he curled up like a tiny pretzel and I turned off the lights and went up to bed. I waited for the crying to start, but it didn't! I crept downstairs the following morning at 6am, I was sure he was dead, but there he was all bouncy and tail wagging so I took him out for a wee, from then on he has slept all night but is awake at 6am expecting to go for a wee!

He is a absolute delight for my girls, I am still sure he thinks that my youngest daughter is a puppy, they fight and argue, I shout at them and the next time I look they are curled up on the sofa together watching The Big Bang Theory!

Over the last 21 months he has grown so much and he and I have a bond that I never thought you could have with a animal, he gives me a reason to get out of bed each morning, for a small dog he walks for miles and miles, he knows all my worries as on our stomps over the fields I have moaned, chattered and cried!

As time has ticked on, He has learnt some cool tricks, he can jump, party, high five, lay dead, roll over, all the usual crap, not exactly guide dog material, I often stand there wondering how stupid a dog can be when

I catching doing daft things, like the day he thought it might be quite nice if he jumped on top of his bed and then cried his eyes out because he couldn't get down...

And we have had a nasty few experiences where he thought it would be ok to go and pee on our beds, this was NOT OK, and very nearly was drop kicked over the back fence, this luckily (fingers crossed) hasn't happened for a while, this is mostly due to us keeping the bedroom doors shut rather than him realising that its a bad thing to do!

The point is, I have noticed over the last month or so that he has started looking out for me, I am sure he knows I am, well, different from the other humans around him. When we were walking the other day, he went over a little wooden bridge first but when he got down the steps the other side he sat and waited for me to get over and down the steps safely, then he looked up at me with this toothy grin thing he does and then shot off, I thought it was cute, but didn't think too much of it.

                                                                   (toothy grin!)

Then the other day I was sold the wrong travelcard for my daughter at our train station and didn't notice until I had got home, so I put Ralph on his lead, stuffed my phone, my bank card, the incorrect travelcard and a photocopy of her 16-25 railcard into my coat pocket and my door key and poo bags in the other pocket, as we walked the short distance to the train station it began to pour with rain so I put my hood up from my coat and picked up the pace..then bugger me, if my phone didn't start to ring, so I yanked my phone out of my pocket to answer it, I chatted to my sister for a few minutes, and I knew Ralph had fallen behind, but I assumed he was getting stroppy with the rain, when I got to the end of the lead I gave him a little yank without turning around, he didn't budge, so I finished saying goodbye to my sister and turned around saying, FFS RALPH, ITS POURING WITH RAIN HURRY THE HELL UP!!! As I focused on him I saw he was sitting with his paw on the contents of my pocket and he wasn't moving until I had noticed...what a clever dog, I found a dog treat in the bottom of my pocket and gave him a big fuss, he was well chuffed with himself!

Then this morning, we went for a walk, we walk a familiar route, he knows where I cross the roads etc. We have had storm Angus here and over night we had a lot of rain and high winds bring all the leaves off of the trees covering the paths. Ralph kept ahead of me during the whole walk with his nose to the ground, I always cross the road when I am on my own where the path has bobbles on so I know the kerb is low on both sides of the road, I couldn't see the path with all the leaves but Ralph managed to keep me away from the edge of the road and found the bobbles on the path and sat waiting for me to catch up and then waited for the traffic to pass before standing ready to cross the road, he has also started to sit and wait at the zebra and traffic light crossings, standing when the cars stop and he hears the peeping!

Perhaps this little tiny dog IS guide dog material after all....well maybe in our eyes anyway!

speak soon xx

RNIB HAUL

OMGGGGGG XDNKEUFHUIG;N;EK'CIHEHGB;E'CKEOUGEM'!!!!!!.........ITS HERE....LOW GRUMPY MOOD HAS BEEN ZAPPED

It finally arrived, my haul of goodies from the RNIB ordered two months and six days ago, but after another phone call to them last Thursday and a nice discussion with a lady, unfortunately I cant remember her name, but she was fab,  she got onto it and voila here it is!!

I am excited to show you all my haul, although, I have to say, after I had unpacked it and I sat their this morning looking at it, I did have a little flash of...not wanting it. I hope I can make sense of it for you, its like, Rob told me these things will help me manage better, I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way I was managing before, but now I have them I realise that they have made a big difference, so by accepting these aids I feel like I am accepting that I am worse than I thought I was!!

Bla,, Bl, Bla, shut up Lynda and get on with the haul!

NOWWWW, this is a incredible piece of equipment, the electric magnifier, its hand held, portable and mains rechargeable..

Its got a LED light on the camera and its got loads of different settings, blue on yellow, black on yellow, etc, you chose which suits you best. You hold it over what ever you want magnified and it brings it up on the screen, it can also be plugged into the TV so you can hold the device over, say a news paper, and the print will be projected onto the TV screen! Cool eh?

And it comes with its own protective case, although i would prefer a case that zips up to stop it sliding out when you pick it up. It fits nicely in my handbag, so if someone would like to invite me out to dinner so I can read the menu with it, that'd be lovely, thanks!

Then there this gadget...

This is also amazing, it mains rechargeable so you don't have to worry about changing batteries, I am loving it, today I set it up over the chopping board when I was cutting the onions for our Chilli, I could even see the cuts on my fingers from when I couldn't see the knife or the onion!!

Again, its a LED light so its real bright. It has a little handle on top so you can carry it around anywhere!

These are wand lights, they are also LED but are battery operated (I need to go buy some batteries), but the idea is, they have a circular bottom with a sticky tab so, for example, I will be sticking one to the ceiling of my coat cupboard and one on the cupboard I keep my pots and pans in because I cant see bugger all in them!

Cutting boards, I know, boring but helpful, they are lightweight plastic and contrasting colours, I cut carrots on the black board earlier (also for my chilli and i used the big LED light) and it was a breeze. I never thought I would be sitting here getting all excited over a few chopping boards, LED lights and a magnifier! But there you go, things change, and despite my reluctance to accept change, its well, tough really!

Also in the box, which I have to say I am impressed with, nearly as much as the items themselves, was large print instructions for all of the items...

Well done RNIB, it took a long, long time to get here, but its all good now...until the next order which I am about to place...wish me luck, speak soon x

    

  

Why Me?

Hey everyone,
I have been feeling a little low over the last couple of days....you know, the whole 'WHYYYY MEEEEE' crap we all go through from time to time, I have had a couple of emails from work about the 'Christmas Do' and a pamper night....excuse my language, but, fuck me, you have no idea of the extent of fear I have at the thought of going to something like that, I am not sure I have the ability to explain how it feels, the whole going to a venue I haven't been before, using my stick in front of my work mates, what to wear (and I know every woman does that shit, but for me I feel like I have to make a extra effort for fear of letting myself down, or people thinking I am not coping as I am not very well maintained) what if I end up sitting on my own?  and god forbid, what the hell will happen if I need the loo, what if I trip over? and what will people think when I don't move from my seat all night? because I am so scared of something I cant see. What about if someone talks to me and I ignore them?  do you know how difficult it is to listen to someone talking when you cant see? What if no body talks to me! That's all before the lighting issues, dim lighting, flashing lights, different types of light, candles...I mean WTF, noise, I hear noises many others don't, they distract and confuse me endlessly, in fact distraction is a massive factor in the whole night out thing, smells, lighting, music, chatter, mixed up with, clinking classes, a toilet door squeaking, someone turning on the hand drier, a lorry going past outside, a waitress wiping a table, someone blowing their nose, a couple snogging in the corner...its endless...endless endless endless, and it drives me mad!
 As I write this blog tears are rolling down my cheeks in grief for the person I used to be, the person who would get as pissed as a fart (does a fart get pissed? I dunno), dance on the dance floor until my feet hurt so much I had to take my shoes off, heeled shoes are also a thing of the past, sensible shoes for me now, minimize the risks and all that crap.
What would I do now? Dance around my white stick? I suppose I could get it blinged up with some fairy lights and tinsel.
What has happened to me, old me would stay out half the night, not thinking twice about walking myself home in the dark, what I would give to have old me back for a day, and a night!
Just to be able to put my own make-up on again, to look in a mirror and see that I looked ok instead of having to ask someone else.
Its funny, I don't want to be treated any differently from anyone else, but I am different. I suppose you might say I am wasting time comparing life how I live it now to how it used to be, and I know I should be grateful for the things I have seen and the things I have done and be thankful to those who I shared things with, there are many, many people who are much worse off than me.
But today, selfishly I am feeling sorry for myself, its very hard to keep a brave face on all the while, thinking back only terrifies me for the future, I am trying to bring myself back to the now and pull myself up and out of this low mood.
I know some of you will understand and know exactly where I am coming from, others may feel that I am weak....I am not week, just in a shitty mood, the world just seems so unfair at times, and I want to scream at it. I have no one to scream at...so guess what...you my friends, all over the world are getting my screaming today!!! Thanks for listening :)

#RNIB Connect Magazine

Hello everyone.
On Monday we had a beautiful day here, for the 1st of November, it was very warm and sunny, Mum, Ralph and I walked across the fields to the garden centre, from Mum's house it is about a four mile walk, the route we took is part of the same route as the one I used to take when I cycled to work. As we scrunched through all the fallen leaves and admired the beautiful trees, all changing colour and loosing their leaves, it got me feeling a little sad, I started to think about what my life used to be like.  I so miss cycling, I miss lots of things.
A friend of mine put a post up on Facebook saying that it was her 50th Birthday, seems like only yesterday we celebrated her 40th, I know 10 years is a long time, and everyone experiences many changes in their lives within that time, but my mind wondered back to the club that we all went to for my friends 40th, I just couldn't do that now, not because I am 10 years older, but because I simply couldn't cope, a club would be my worst nightmare, how would I see in a club now?
Some times I think if I could go back a couple of years and see how much I could see then and compare it to what I can see now, would I still have the same attitude to life? It might stop me in my tracks and frighten me so much that I loose my drive and whatever it is that's in my heart that keeps me going, that thing that gets me up out of bed each day, lately I have noticed that that 'thing' is sometimes not as strong as it should be, or as I want it to be.
Sometimes the thought of going out on my own brings on this horrible little nag in my stomach, some days I even have to push myself to walk Ralph, often I plan my route to best avoid bumping into other people. This annoys me, makes me angry and sad. If I could take myself back and watch myself, would I be as clumsy? would I have more confidence? more patience perhaps?...
If I think about these things too much I get fed up, I know on paper my sight has changed, but how can I compare it? How can I SEE it?...Do I really want to see it?
Its funny how a series of events can change your train of thought, send you on a bit of, what I would call, a wobble.
Then I begin fighting with myself...stop feeling sorry for yourself woman, things could be much worse, there are people out there with much bigger problems than mine...doesn't stop me wanting to lick my wounds once in a while though.
I wonder where I will end up? Do you think everyone wonders about what will happen to them? or do people live for the moment and just get on with it?
Well, I had managed to give myself the complete arse hole by now, so out of pure grumpiness and the lack of anything better to do, I picked up a magazine that had dropped through the letter box.

This magazine has been dropping on my door mat for months and months, I picked it up, removed the cellophane and chucked it in the box with all the others, I have a box where all my sight related info goes.

I have never even opened the first page, I am a total disgrace!!

This issue of  the RNIB connect Magazine was really quite interesting, as I sat flicking through the 15 pages, I realised it was perfect.

Not great long paragraphs of writing, nice bright clear interesting stories. The articles were short and sharp but informative and the font was spot on for me.

There was a article from Camsight, a inspiring story about a fella who lost his sight due to a brain tumour, and re built his life with the support of Camsight and Instructability and is now a fitness instructor.

There was some information about telephone writing workshops, there was a couple of pages asking for feedback, towards the back there were some helpful phone numbers and stuff.

This got me looking through the box for the other issues, last months was pretty good too, and there is a little writing competition to enter, I am tempted to give it a go. Its creative writing with two categories, prose and poetry, I am crap at poetry so if I had a go it would be prose! If I send in a entry, I will let you all have a read!

Anyway, subscribing to #RNIB connect magazine for anyone with sight loss is a must, I know it is easy to feel isolated and lonely especially when you feel like the people around you don't seem to understand or relate to the way you might be feeling, this magazine does exactly what the title suggests...connects people with others, but in a distant sort of way if you know what I mean!

As I was looking through the box I found another magazine, this one is from Bedfordshire sight concern, this is a entirely different read....well, I couldn't read it. To start with, the pages are glossy, giving a instant glare, its all in black and white print, I dunno about you, but I find black and white print really hard to read, the photographs are also in black and white, which is ridiculous for a 'sight concern' mag, they just look like blotches on the pages. The stories are too long, if, like me, you can literally only read about four sentences before the lines and words start moving around and your head starts spinning,  this would be just too much to take in.

The font however is a good size, but sadly that's just about the only good thing I have to say about it.....Sorry #sight concern, your magazine is a bit pants!!

Sight concern....boringggg

RNIB connect, eye catching and interesting

sight concern front page is plain and uninviting...

RNIB connect front page, bright, clear and catches your interest...

So, what I was trying to say before I got distracted with the magazine comparison was, though reading RNIB connect, I have been motivated to look into the possibility of re training, if that guy can retrain as a fitness instructor, there must be something out there I could do, right? Maybe not any thing to do with fitness as I am well lazy, but its definitely something to look into. Then there is the writing competition, which is something that is floating around in my thoughts all day long, so that signifies to me that its something worth looking into too.

I leave you now, speak soon xx 

parking permits

Let me tell you all about this thing that is going on, the more I think about it the more it pisses me off!!
I live in a small cul-de-sac, although we live in a large village, my area is fairly quiet. we have a small car park in front of our houses, where the residents park. Occasionally, very occasionally, someone, usually a commuter, parks their car in the car park and walks the four minutes from our car park to the train station which provides direct routes into London and Peterborough and easy access to the Cambridge line, from these stations you can get just about anywhere in the country, so our little station gets busy, the connecting bus routes for surrounding villages is quite poor. so many people drive and park around the roads as near to the train station as they can, without the need to buy a ticket for the official train station car park, which frankly is a ridiculous price. A few years ago a field bedside the station was turned into a large pay and display carpark, which is well used especially during the week and is a reasonable price (well, I think its reasonable anyway....£3 a day??)
Anyways, it seems that some of the roads, especially the only road in and out of the village was starting to get grid locked in the morning for a hour, as the world started to get off to work, bloody great lorries are trying to get in and out of the village at the same time as the school run (which is not as calm as I am sounding), not to mention all the school coaches delivering all our little darlings to the upper school a couple of villages away, then of course you get the drivers (male and female I might add) who have absolutely no idea of what is going on outside of their lump of metal and frankly drive like a twat!
And so, the council decide that they will put out a survey, it was quite straight forward, pit a tick or cross in the box, normal questions....Do you think parking in your road is a problem?....X.
Do you think parking permits would help?....X.
Bla Bla Bla......I returned the form and thought no more about it, until the parking signs started to go up last week.
Then a letter from central Bedfordshire council arrives...
From the 21st November if I want to park my car in the car park in front of my house I will need to purchase a permit.
This is where it starts getting messy, despite the fact that, according to a reliable source, only a very small percentage of residents wanted parking permits put into place, they are here and the rules are so patchy.
The restrictions are between 10am and 4pm, you cannot park unless you have a permit, parking for one hour is allowed if your car is registered to your address.
So, I do not own a car, as being blind, means sadly I am unable to drive one!
But my partner does own a car, but because he doesn't live with me, the car isn't registered to my address and therefore I am unable to get a permit for him to park at my house. I am unable to put my 'blue badge' in his car as you are not allowed to use the badge in a residential street, apparently!
I have to buy a visitors pass, at the grand price of £30 for a book of 25 passes, which means I am going to be paying £30 every other week, as people visit me all the time.
My neighbour has four cars parked outside, but because they work full time, and their cars aren't in the car park during the permit times they don't have to buy a permit, which incidentally would mean they pay £90 a year for permits, its £10 a year for one car and goes up to £90 for four.
But the old lady who lives in one of the bungalows across the carpark is retired and has a car, she has to pay £10 for her car and £30 for a visitors pass for her son who visits regularly.
What a complete cock up, I am so cross that some twat thought this is ok, they don't give a shit about the people this is effecting, they just gonna sit back and take the money.
I have emailed the council, but the guy is away on leave! Bet the silly sod is off with stress as half of the village must be on his back, I have left a message saying that the council can come along and drop the curb in front of my front lawn and my visitors can park on my garden, betcha he don't reply!
AND, I don't know, maybe its just me, but if, like next door, their four cars leave the car park from about 6am they are all gone by 8am, they don't return home until about 6pm. then why cant commuters park in the carparks within that time?
The road that gets parked on the most is a street where all the houses have drives, most of, if not all, of those residents have driven off to work within those times so whey not let a commuter park on your drive while you are at work, it clears the road and makes it look like there is someone at your house which might put off a burglar or two.
We are all people and we are all trying to get somewhere, so why do we have to fight each other, there has to be a easier way, I know its just a parking permit, I just feel that people would rather hate on each other than help each other these days, and also how can things like parking be taken out of our hands so freely and easily, we are not the middle of London, we are a fairly quite village...OHHHHH I am having a right moan this morning...I will leave you now,
                                                              Happy Halloween xx