I am having trouble with the simplest of things...hanging washing on the line, who'd have thought hanging washing on the line would produce such flashes of irritation, I have a rotary washing line, but there is a patch of vision that I cant see through right in the middle, so I reach out to peg the washing on the line and I miss the line, then I find myself mumbling all sorts of swear words at the washing line, then I have two options (actually I have three) one...beat the crap out of the washing line, throw all the clothes on the floor and stamp on them then cry....two...take a deep breath and persevere by going a little slower and try to remember its only washing....three...get someone else to do it....BUT there lies my biggest problem, why would I ask someone to do a job for me when if I tried a little harder I could do it myself?
Monday and Tuesday this week were horrific, all I did was cry and not want to leave the house, this lead to several bollockings from my Mum, partner and friends who all reminded me that whatever happens, nothing will change, of course that is a crazy thing to say, but I think. Mum especially, means that it wont change me, or the way people love and think about me, and that any changes made will be done together, I am not on my own and I should take advantages of the support people offer, at least that's what I think she was meaning when she was yelling down the phone......DONT BLOODY WELL SIT THERE WAITING FOR THIS TO GET YOU DOWN, DONT SHUT YOURSELF IN THE HOUSE, BLOODY WELL GO OUT AND ENJOY YOURSELF...another friend said something to me that has been floating around in my head for the last couple of days, she said, I wish you could see yourself as we see you...I have never stopped to wonder how other people see me, in fact it has never occurred to me that people see me as anything at all, but then I got to thinking how I see other people, and suddenly a small sentence delivered by one of the most fantastic mothers I have ever met as made me more conscious of the way I am around others and dare I say it, but I feel more tolerant. So, with this new found wisdom and the telling off from Mum, I woke up Wednesday morning and bounced out of bed, the cant do's changed into can do's if I do it a little slower, I managed to walk Ralph on my own, I walked much slower and I think Ralph was a little confused by this, but it meant I could walk further and my head wasn't spinning.
When I got home I was very tempted to crawl back into bed and hide under the duvet, but I went into the garden, my pots needed attention and my bush needed a trim!
I slowly emptied all the pots into a garden waste bag, biting my lip every time I missed the bag, I even swept up, kind of. Then I got out the shears and started to hack back the bush, it had finished flowering so I gave it a good trim, when I stood back to admire my handy work I couldn't see it properly, so I shrugged my shoulders and for the effect of the nosey next door neighbour I stood with my hands on my hips making approving noises in the back of my throat, while I was standing there thinking I was fab, it dawned on me that in the summer I had put fairy lights in the bush, the thought made me jump like I had been given a electric shock, I stuck my face in the bush, nope no lights....I got down on my hands and knees and started moving the chopped foliage, and there in little tiny chopped up pieces were my fairy lights, I am not ashamed to say that the words...Fuck it just slipped out of my mouth, I got up went inside, made myself a cup of tea and took it back out into the garden, I stood there looking at the mess, at that point things could have gone anyway, but the phone rang, it was Mum, I told her about my fairy light massacre, and her reply was, well, we better go buy some new ones then.
From then on I seem to be more in control, I even took the bus into Hitchin on my own, only the bus ride mind you as I was met by the caring man in my life when I got there, but going slower is definitely the key.
Next week I am off for a few days at my friends house, hopefully she will help to sort my muddled emotions out!
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