Grief

Have you ever woken up in the morning and just laid there with your eyes closed wishing the thing you dread the most would be gone when you open your eyes? For some people that might be the person they are laying next to, an illness they have or simply the nasty brown stain on the ceiling, but for lots of people its grief, grieving doesn't always mean that someone has passed away because we grieve for many situations, often not even realising that we are going through a process of loss. Some of even grieve for other peoples grief, I suppose that sort of comes under empathy but either way grief is what I feel right now.
Today I went to visit work, I spent an hour in school and then a certain lovely couple picked me up took me to lunch and then for a drive. I had a really nice day, but when I got home I was exhausted, so I curled upon the beanbag in my living room with the sun pouring in through the conservatory window and fell asleep. 
When I woke up I laid quietly with my eyes closed listening to the birds outside, a train rumbling past in the distance and Ralph pushing his food bowl around the kitchen (I wouldn't mind but it had food in it!) 
For a few moments I had forgotten, forgotten my sadness and forgotten what would be there when I opened my eyes. I pleaded with a god I don't understand or believe in for it not to be there when I opened my eyes, but as soon as the prayer entered my head the tears began to sting in my eyes because reality is a bitch. I opened my eyes but the blurry smudge was still there, just so I could stop the tears from flowing like a waterfall (and cos I didn't want the girls to see) I leapt up and rushed out to the garden to get the washing in.
I am really struggling with this not being able to see properly thing. One moment I don't want to talk about it the next I crave someone to listen just so I can make it straight in my head. I always wanted sight loss to be secondary in my life, even though obviously its not, but I want to be ME before I am that blind lady.
I am already sick of the niggling head ache I have all the time as my brain is screaming to regain 'normality'.
Yesterday I went into town with Mum and the eldest daughter, before I put my contact lenses in first thing in the morning I had written a shopping list, but like a complete twat I had forgotten that I wouldn't be able to read it as the smudge is much more pronounced with my contact lenses in. There I stood in the middle of Wilkinson carpark looking at a list that I had no idea what was written on it, I gave it to Mum and asked her what was on it, I recon I must have asked her about 30 times what was on the list, she would tell me and two seconds later i had forgotten and was asking her again, she didn't get irritated she just told me one thing at a time and helped me.
I hated every minute of being in town, my head was spinning, I felt sick, it was all massively overwhelming. I couldn't cope with all the movement and all the hundreds of different noises my ears were picking up. I couldn't see the prices on anything, looking for birthday cards was painstaking, and I spent ages trying to work out if the bottle I had picked up was bubble bath or shower gel. There is a big patch missing in the middle of my vision and it is making me feel like shit frankly.
The minute I was back home I felt safe again, how easy it would be just to stay home and never go out again, and to be honest I was considering just that....stay home where it is safe, get my shopping delivered, why would I need to go out?......I need to go out to prove the assumptions wrong! 
Today at lunch my friend said she was astonished by the amount of people that watched me, all this does is fuel my fire and make me more determined not to adhere to the stigmatised image of what a blind person might look or act like. The grief is still very much there tonight, and I will work through all the emotions that come with that, but I am as sure as hell not going down without a fight. I know at least one of two very important people are reading this and I am so grateful to you because you are about to become my rocks. I am ready to deal with which ever way this turns because at the end of the day the grief I feel now will heal, unlike the kind of grief experienced by so many other people everyday.
So now I need a challenge, and a very good friend has brought a 'Moonlight walk up and down Snowdon' to my attention, this is it, the challenge I need, I know I have climbed Snowdon before, but not at night, not with the level of sight I now have and not with the crowd I am going to be doing it with....so get practising for we climb Snowdon next year in the dark!!