Macular Hole

Well, it seems there really IS someone out there shoving pins in a replica doll of me.
On Monday morning I wake up to find fireworks in my left eye, as you know my right eye is useless and I rely on the sight I have in my left. 
This annoyed me as I knew I should get myself to Moorfields, and there was so many things I needed to do, like walk Ralph, put the washing on the line, get something out for tea, and top of the list, go to work.
Reluctantly I phoned in sick explaining that I had to get my eye checked out, then my youngest Daughter and I embarked on a mini adventure in to London to the hospital. I took the letter from Specsavers with me as 1, it explained what had happened on Saturday and 2, it might get me seen a bit quicker....It didn't! 6 hours of being poked and pushed from waiting area to waiting area was exhausting. 
My Daughter is no where near as much fun as my Mum and she sat watching Korean dramas on her phone! Even when I pinched her she wouldn't comply. There was the usual medley of people and for a while I sat fascinated by the people around me, I don't like people much, but I do like to watch them. Some folks are proper strange!
Anyway, the floater that was irritating me in my good eye had now grown from something that resembled a stick insect into what looked like someone had written OK across my eye in a thick black marker pen. More worryingly was a patch of grey mist in the middle of the OK.
I must have taken my contact lenses out 50 times to clean what I though was a smudge off my lenses.
But then the nurse took me for a eye test, all complete with the usual sympathetic tuts and sighs and the 'how DO you manage' me replying with the usual dryness, after the nurse had dilated my eyes I had to use my cane to navigate myself back across a jam packed waiting room, I swear just because you cant see people assume you are deaf as well, as I could hear old ladies tutting and saying..'poor girl'. How dare you assume I am a 'poor girl' I am actually a very tough chicken!!
It took me a few moments after I had sat down to realise that the smudge was still there, then it took me a few more moments to realise that the my contact lenses weren't in my eyes, then deep down I knew I was in trouble.
I tried to stay calm when I went off for a scan and then the wait for the Doctor to call me back in was painstakingly endless. Some guy sitting beside me was trying to make small talk with me but all I wanted was the Doctor to call my name. 
I already knew that the floater wasn't being picked up on the regular machine so when I was called in the first time the Doctor talked about the risk of finding more fluid as they had in my right eye so I should be prepared to have more Avastin injections if that what the deep scan showed.
When I was eventually called in the Doctor already had both my new scan and the one I had last year on his computer screen. I knew, I just knew from the way he didn't take his face away from the screen as I was helped into the chair and the silence as he clicked the mouse around the computer screen it was bad.
I pushed my hands in between the seat and my legs and pushed down hard until it felt like my fingers were going to burst, the voice inside my head was screaming...PLEASE NO MORE INJECTIONS, over and over again, then he sighed, and his chair creaked as he moved towards me.
'I'm so sorry there is a hole in the Macular'
Silence, he let it sink in for a few seconds, and then said, 'usually we would close the hole with a operation, but in your case the risks are too high, we can and will offer you the choice but we would strongly advise against it. However I will be meeting with Dr Andrews tomorrow morning and we will decided what to do next'.
More silence, all I could think to ask was 'will it close on its own?'
No, its already at grade 3....that meant absolutely nothing to me but I began to cry.
Try not to worry (Fucking idiot, I am a woman, that's what we do), go home, take it easy and wait for us to call you.
By the time I got back to the waiting room I was crying so hard I couldn't speak, but the Daughter was there, hooked arms with me and marched me out of the hospital straight in to the safety of the London under ground at peak time. The bright yellow dilation dye was running down my face with my tears and was soaking into my top, I couldn't move my cane for people leaping over me to get to their train.
And my whole, I CAN DO EVEYTHING ON MY OWN attitude dissolved, I asked the Daughter to point us in the direction of a railway employee with a fluorescent jacket on and we will ask for help. They were fantastic, they guy we spoke too was straight on it, I held out my off peak ticket and told him I needed to up grade it to peak time, He took it from me, looked at it then at me, then put it back in my hand and said..'Your joking love, don't worry about it'
Then my Daughter and I were escorted away form the crowds and onto the correct platform where we were put on the train and told there would be someone waiting to help us off at Finsbury Park and help us onto our connecting train. AND there was someone, it was fantastic and I am so grateful to them, I was so upset and they were just so kind.
Now its Thursday and  I havent heard from the hospital so I assume operating isn't a option, so I will wait for a letter confirming this and offering me a appointment in a clinic where I will once again join the fascinating world of pensioners, listen to their stories and let them tell me I am too young for this to happen to me.
I was thinking about the last time I cried as much as this and I recon it was when Ralph peed all over my bed, I had had a hell of a day at work, it was mid winter and had been pouring with rain, and it was late at night, he clearly had decided it was too dark, cold and wet outside to go potty so he took himself to my bedroom and performed all over my duvet, it was the last straw and I cried for ages!!
At the moment my brain is shooting from one scenario to the next and I don't seem to be able to hold a conversation for long, my friends and family are being fantastic and I love them all dearly. I just wish I knew what was going to happen now, because at the moment I don't have a clue and its as scary as hell.