Demon Depression

Well everyone...Its official, Christmas must be on its way as I have successfully purchased my first Christmas presents!! It was one of those moments when you are standing in a shop and notice something that is a bit beautiful and would be a perfect gift for someone, Christmas shopping was not on the agenda but you know if you leave it on the shelf the chances are you aren't going to get back to that particular shop or you wont see anything like it elsewhere and spend the rest of the year kicking yourself for not buying it!................anyway, enough with the Christmas chatter, lets talk about the last CBT session...
Now, you know I was looking for an excuse not to attend the last session, but my Mum had made me promise I would go, Well, on Saturday I had decided that I would ring on Monday morning and cancel my last session with Steven because of a nasty case of the old 'D AND V' but I wouldn't tell Mum I had cancelled and just tell her that the last session was fine....perfect.
Perfect, until on Sunday we (Mum, Ralph and I) went for a nice long walk to the garden centre, while we were sitting outside the café with our tea and cake, she starts quizzing me on what I expect out of the last session, do I think they will recommend more? and what time do you leave to go to the session?...then, ohhhhh I know, I will pop round for a quick coffee before you go then'....great big fat hairy balls....now I have to go!
So, along comes Tuesday morning, I drag myself out of bed and take Ralph for a long walk, I was out an hour or more and when I got home Ralph took himself back to bed and I went out into the garden to hang some washing on the line. It was so quiet and calm, I stood there for a few minutes just looking at the garden and noticing how every plant changes for winter. Next door had trimmed some branches off of my tree and from my side of the fence there was a big gap, so with out thinking I went to the shed, got out the choppers and began to chop some of the branches off to make the tree look a little tidier. This brought out my Daughter and my partner, firstly to tell me I shouldn't be chopping the tree but when they realised that telling me I shouldn't be doing something is a complete waste of time, my partner just sort of hung around watching, sort of letting me do it but just being there just in case. Which is kind of lovely, and just knowing he was there made me feel happy. By the time I had finished tidying up all the fallen branches and put my chopper away both my daughter and partner had gone off to work so I went inside with the intension of doing a few jobs around the house before my partner came back to take me to the CBT Session.
I decided to empty the bins and was walking into my bedroom to empty my bin into the rubbish bag when I caught the shape of my body in the mirror. I stood looking into the mirror and realised that I couldn't see my self clearly, so I stepped closer. The person staring back at me in the mirror was a stranger....I was a mess, my hair hadn't been 'cared for' in ages, I had been washing it and leaving it to dry so it was frizzy and curly, I couldn't remember the last time I had brushed it, most of the branches I had cut down seemed to be tangled in my mop, then I looked at myself properly, with a jolt of fear I realised that I still had my pyjamas on under my clothes, I took of my jogging bottoms and fleece top and sure enough, there were my PJ'S. How long have I been going out with my Pj's on under my clothes? I cant remember the last time I wore a bra.
I went to the bathroom, ran a hot bath and stripped off my nightwear, how long have I been wearing these Pj's? I got in the bath and sat there, trying to remember....I get up, put clothes on over my PJ's, go out and walk Ralph come home and take the clothes off and put my dressing gown on. Even when I went out with Mum on Sunday, I was wearing what I had slept in the night before under my clothes. How often do I change my knickers? Why cant I remember and why do I think it is ok to do this?
Sitting in the bath I made a promise to myself and to the people who love me, this is a very slippery slope and it has to stop, what has made me stop looking after myself? 
This, folks, is the demon, depression, without realising I had started the journey of self destruction and I was devastated, its far too easy to loose your way, too easy to wrap yourself up and ignore what is happing to yourself, too easy to convince yourself that you can pull yourself up and out of it... and that is the biggest mistake people make, someone with depression cannot just pull themselves out of it.
Still sitting in the bath I began to give my hair a good wash, gave all my bits a good clean, then I found clean underwear, clean clothes, dried and straightened my hair, sprayed a little perfume and then stood in front of the mirror again....ahhh now this is the person I recognise. 
By the time my partner came to take me to the session I was dressed, clean, smelling nice and ready to go.
I explained all this to Steven at my session and when I said I feel like I should pull myself together it stopped him in his tracks, this is what he said.....
People with depression are unable to pull themselves together, telling some one to do that is not helpful, instead we must support them and give them strategies which will help them to find the strength to start to help themselves.
So, Imagine you are driving a car at 60 miles and hour, the sun is shining and the radio is playing a happy tune, the person beside you asks you to drive at 61 miles per hour....How easy will that be? How much effort will it be to increase your speed from 60 to 61? By making very little effort or changes you very gently push your foot on the accelerator increasing your speed without really noticing right? Easy, no problems....NOW, imagine its mid January, its been snowing heavily, the sky is black with a storm, its freezing cold and you are wrapped up under your duvet because of a power cut so there is no heating or light. Your car is parked three streets away because there was no spaces left outside your house, and someone asks you to go get in the car and drive at 1 mile an hour. How easy would that be? Its just one mile an hour, not much effort before but now, well, now you have to get out of bed, go for a wee, have a cold shower, brush your teeth, find some clothes, get a hat, scarf, gloves and wellies, find something to dig you car out of the snow with, and then begin to de-frost your car...how much effort is it now?
For someone with depression, its not keeping going that's hard, its actually starting that's the problem, so its not what you see, its what you don't see if you know what I mean, something that seems so normal and regular for one person can be just simply too much for another.
I made a promise to Steven that I would begin a schedule to help me ensure that I start....Tuesday evening I sat with a big pad and wrote a list of the jobs that needed doing the next day, being careful not to put too may in, one of those jobs is to get washed and dressed, might sound daft to you, but Wednesday was the best day I have had for sometime, I marked off the jobs as I went along and felt incredibly proud of myself, I made sure I looked nice, and I know my partner noticed the difference. Steven had originally told me to put up post notes around the house with one job on and to ensure I get the job done, but I am finding the 'Diary' much more helpful, I know today is only Thursday but I feel entirely different. When everything is marked off on my list, I have time to relax, I am fitting so much more in to the day and it seems to have increased my confidence and decision making, if its on the list I don't even think about it, I just get the jobs done.
Having a focus and a goal is remarkably helpful and is making me feel independent again.
So, don't ever feel like you should be pulling yourself together, be kinder to yourself, depression is not something that can be cured over night, it takes a lot of self belief, understanding and honesty.
The last CBT session came in on perfect timing for me, but not everyone is that lucky. If this blog encourages just one person to seek help for the way they are feeling I will be happy, because, I never would have said I was depressed, I truly never saw it coming.
Speak soon xx