Well, Friday afternoon has come around again so quickly and I truly don't know where time is going, we are already a week into November, Halloween has been tidied away, the fireworks have fizzled out and people are talking about putting up their Christmas trees.
I have always loved Christmas, but this year I am having trouble getting into the mood, I feel like separating myself from the whole world and getting under the duvet and sleeping until January, but that's not real, real is shopping, shopping is busy...me, shopping and busy are not a good mixture. Do it on line you say, well there is a little problem with that, I just cant seem to concentrate on it for long, I mean, the other day I was checking out Argos website looking for some inspiration, I had to make the screen so big that most of the page disappeared off the screen, and the constant scrolling made me feel sick and my eyes got tired really quickly. Maybe I should have started shopping earlier, but I cant think past my hospital appointment on the 23rd Nov...just under two weeks to go and I hope I can get some of the many questions I have answered.
Tuesday, was a bad day. It started okay but before tea time a black cloud was firmly sitting over my head.
I think it may have started at 8oclock in the morning at my Doctors appointment. It was just a quick check that I was doing ok and to see if there was anything my Doctor could help me with, To be honest, I didn't really have much to say to her and I didn't really need anything, so stomping down to the surgery at 7.30 in the morning was a rude wake up call.
My doctor was pleased to see that I was looking better than she said she had seen me for a while. We talked about my appointment at Moorfields and then she signed me off from work for another 4 weeks but with the instructions to make an appointment for the following day after my Moorfields visit. This was so we can talk about options and it still gives me a week to organise myself.
As I walked to Mums house from the surgery, I thought about the conversation I had just had and it suddenly dawned on me how real this all is, and with reality comes fear of the unknown, all the 'what if' questions came flooding into my head as I walked the short distance to mums house and the urge to give up was pounding at the front of my brain. Give up everything and just sit, sit and do nothing, talk to no-one, just stay home and wait for the darkness to come. But what if it doesn't come, what if it takes years to come and then I have wasted time sitting around doing nothing, BUT then what happens if it comes tomorrow and I have wasted time wondering when it will come instead of living for today. All this went round and round my head until I felt sick. How do I prepare for the future? Answer...I cant, because I don't know what it is.
Later that afternoon I had another CBT session, and we talked about panic attacks. I honestly took away nothing from this session, I was talked into saying that a panic attack makes me feel like I am going to die...it doesn't, but it didn't seem to matter and I was then shown why a panic attack will not kill me, even though I know its not! When I am in a full blown attack, I don't think about anything, I don't stand there thinking...ohhhhh I cant breath so this must mean I am having a heart attack and my heart is going to explode and death must be immanent. Yes, my heart does beat faster, yes I do breath deeper and faster, but the very last thing on my mind is death, if anything just the opposite, I think about the quickest way to calm down and remove myself from the cause of the panic. Maybe what I think I experience as a panic attack is NOT what I think it is, maybe people DO think they are going to die, maybe I have got it all wrong. I do know its the most awful feeling and they are usually brought on by putting myself into situations that my brain and sight cant cope with. I had a urge to stand on a chair in the middle of the session and scream...YOU ARE NOT BLOODY WELL LISTENING TO ME, I AM NOT BLOODY STUPID I KNOW I AM NOT GOING TO BLOODY WELL DIE! unless of course I run out of a shop straight into the path of a lorry, but even then it wouldn't be the panic attack that killed me, it would be the bloody lorry! So by the time my 50 minutes was up I was in a proper bad mood, I felt frustration that I have never experienced before, so when He said same time next week? I looked him in the eye and said yes, but I have no intention of going back...that was until yesterday.
Yesterday was a lovely day, Mum and I went on a day trip... I say a day trip because it took all bloody day! We decided to go to Willington garden centre and because we cant drive we took the train and a bus, which was actually really easy and I enjoyed the ride. Then we did Christmas...there wasn't many people about so we wondered around looking at all the beautiful baubles and Christmassy nic-naks, then we had tea in the café, and wondered around again, picking up a few bits, then we did lunch and then wondered around again, then we took the reverse trip home, at some point during lunch mum decided to give me a lecture about continuing to attend the CBT sessions and not to be put off by a not so helpful session, but in my mind I had already decided to cancel the next appointment, but today I took Ralph for a long walk and though hard about it, sometimes its so easy to give up and walk away from something every time you got pissed off. I would never allow anyone I cared about to walk away from something just because they heard something they didn't agree with, so why am I doing that to myself? I think its time I learnt to love myself a bit more and be a little kinder to myself. There is only one of me (thank god) although I often wonder why people like me, I realise its because I am kinda cool, I care, love and think a lot, its time to enjoy being me again.
Have a good weekend everyone...I leave you with a photo of Santa's helpers and the goodies I brought to decorate the twigs I found on Shingle street beach back in October xx
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