Of course, my first reaction to this is...people should mind their own bloody business, but I get it, and I am almost really pleased that this man feels this way, for it means that I am not alone.
The difference between us is that he feels he needs to act more blind, whereas I act less blind! Sounds bonkers, but my act has blossomed into something so beautiful and clever that I can fool most people, sometimes I even impress myself.
Of course, there are occasions where it is impossible or just down right stupid not to let people around me know that I cant see! Like at the swimming pool, I always use my cane at the pool side, from the moment I step out of the changing room in my fancy, slightly too tight cozzie, my cane is in full working order, its so important to let other people know, it lets other swimmers know that I am a hazard, the life guards see me and acknowledge me and the flooring at Hitchin pool is kind of like a parquet flooring sort of effect, and it makes me dizzy, the acoustics in there are also really disorientating, so I am fully aware that this is not a safe place to be acting like I don't have a problem.
Because everything I do is planned, its very easy to act, acting in a very strange way, makes me feel like I am in control, however I do always feel like I am walking a very fine line between success and disaster. Lets take yesterday for example, So I needed a new light fitting for the hall and living room, my friend messaged me on Friday afternoon to say he would pop round Saturday morning to do the job. No problem, except I had picked up the living room light fittings in the week, but the hall one I couldn't decide what I wanted to put up there. When his message came through I was out walking dogs with my eldest daughter. This put my brain in a complete tizzy, but I worked out a plan that would mean rushing home, changing into clothes that weren't covered in mud and dog hair, jumping on the next bus and running to Argos before it shut to pick up the light fitting, and getting the next bus home. My heart was thumping in my chest as I changed clothes, grabbed my handbag and bus pass and was just about to go charging out of the door to run to the bus stop......Maybe I should check the item is in stock...so back in I go and check. Dam thing was out of stock. So I order it in for the next morning, take off my coat and shoes and relax. The following morning, I get up early with a fresh plan in my head, this was instantly scrapped as my daughter said she would drive me to get the fitting. We arrive at Argos and I have my reservation number ready for the young lady on the till, so I sent the daughter off to the bank to get cash to pay my friend for fitting the lights. Everything was going swimmingly, until the young lady informed me that my light fitting was on clearance because they no longer stock the bulbs for it. I felt so sorry for the young girl, my face must have looked like I had just witnessed a murder, and in that split second, my act was trashed. I couldn't go look through the magazine to order a different one, and asking for help from a teenager seemed too humiliating so my instinct was to run away. A few seconds later, the daughter was back and I was walking out of the shop after thanking the young girl for her help but cancelling the order as I didn't really see the point in buying a light fitting that you couldn't get bulbs for. So we went to another shop, and the daughter helped me choose a less lovely light fitting and light bulbs. As my daughter was with me, everything was fine and my act was restored, but if I had been on my own there would have been no way I could have purchased the fitting and the correct light bulbs.
I have come to realise that there is much more to this acting thing than even I give credit too, and I do feel that if I am seen doing something without my cane then I should be behaving a certain way. Like walking Ralph, I can walk miles over my learnt route and not see a soul, but then, I will see someone who knows me, but doesn't know enough to understand that I am walking a route that has been taught to me and I feel like I have to explain myself because I should really be sitting in a chair safely at home, never going out, never experiencing slipping arse over tit in the mud or standing calling your dog for ten minutes only to realise the little bugger has been standing beside you all the time, nor do they see that after the dog walk I am exhausted and barely have the energy to do anything else for the rest of the day. Of course, when I am with someone it takes the pressure off, I tend to let others take the lead and am happy to be guided. But, its not always practical to have someone there to do things with me, and then there is the whole matter of independence, why shouldn't I be doing things on my own? Its not that I don't need my cane, its that I have learnt to manage with out it. Mind you, maybe I do feel that it is time to start carrying it around with me, its just a shame that it doesn't fold up smaller.
Anyway, like I said, its so easy to pretend that I have seen something when someone passes me their phone and shows me a picture of their cat, its not that I don't care about their cat, it just easier to say ohhhh yes how lovely. All this makes me worry even more about going back to work, having eyes watching me, expecting me to be acting a certain way, or expecting me not to be able to do certain things. I have been in this role for fifteen years, I understand Autism like a mechanic understands a car, I don't need sight to continue working along side my colleagues, I need trust and honesty. Although I have worked in the same building for all that time, its going to take me a few weeks to get back to grips with it, I will never be able to work at my usual speed again and that is something else that might be difficult for others to understand. Again I find myself wishing I looked different, if people could see it, they might understand it better.
I am starting to depress myself now, so I will stop banging on.
Oh, I know what I meant to tell you, The RNIB contacted me again to tell me that I wrote a fab review for The Royal Albert Hall and asked if they could use it, which of course I agreed too. The more I think about it, the more I love the thought of writing reviews, a fairy tail world where I could go off visiting loads of different places with Mum and then I could report back on all our adventures....A lottery win is needed I think! That said, I have put my name down to be put in the ballot box for the next trip to the Royal Albert in a couple of weeks, I don't rate my chances this time but you never know.
I leave you with a couple of photos of my walk with Ralph today and my very first glimpse of spring. x
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