The other day someone asked me how I was and how I was getting on. This sort of questioning always throws me because I avoid being put on the spot and being the focus of conversation. Its easy to talk about it from a blog or to someone you don't know, but its hard when someone you know asks an outright question and you want to give a quick and honest answer, but things are much more complicated than a two word answer.
So, one of the questions was, How is your sight different now to back in September? and, How has the floater affected you and what you see?....see what I mean? How can you begin to reply to that when you are standing at the bus stop and you hear the bloody thing rumbling around the corner. So, instead of being honest, I say...ohhh its not too bad, I am learning to live with it. Ignoring the first question and vaguely answering the second while I avoid any eye contact and fumble around in my bag for my bus pass when I know full well its already in my coat pocket. I then make myself look even more of a prat as I leap up on to the steps of the bus and nearly knock myself out on the wing mirror, when the bus driver said, Are you ok love? I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him to 'F**K OFF, or cry, noooo, I need a hug!!
When I got myself seated I began to think about the person and what felt like invasive questioning. I felt like I was being judged and that maybe this person didn't believe that my sight is so bad because I was catching a bus into town on my own, within five minutes I had managed to convince myself that no one believed me, and that people were mocking me because I didn't and don't 'act' blind. By 'act' I mean, I and people like me, learn very quickly how to act normally. Regular Joe with fully functioning eyes takes for granted his or her own sight, so we as folks with impaired sight find it easier to fit in with regular Joe than force our worlds on others. I argue with myself everyday about using my cane, if I use it I stand out, If I don't, no-one knows, people don't jump out of my way like I had burnt them, people don't stand and stare but there is also massive down side, like when you cant see the price of something, or read a label, if I had my cane and asked someone what was written on a label they would know instantly why I cant read it. So, the 'act' comes into play..you stand there with your bottle of shampoo, you have no idea what the price is or if there is a deal on, so you listen in on other peoples conversation, usually people will stand there saying...ohhh that's a good deal, buy one get one half price, so instantly I know to pick up the same bottles as they did, also getting shampoo AND conditioner can be tricky as often the bottles are the same colour, so you say to the people, ohhhh YESSS that does sound like a good deal, would you mind passing me a shampoo and conditioner...BOOM!! The people don't know that you cant see, they just think you are lazy!
Another trick, especially in Superdrug, is to listen to the radio, they have their own channel and they tell you all about deals and offers.
I know I slip into the 'act' very easily, maybe too easily, I have noticed that lately, when we are out in the car, my daughter says...ohhh Mum, look at that beautiful puppy, I say OHHHHH YESSS how lovely, instead of saying, where? I don't see a bloody puppy! and what's worse is, I still don't see a puppy, she banging on about how cute the puppy is and I have no idea what puppy she is on about!!
Well, anyway, getting back to the bus ride and the questions. After beating myself up for at least five minutes I gave myself a virtual slap around the face, shut my eyes and took a few deep breaths, how do I know what the person at the bus stop was thinking? Why did I assume that the situation was negative? Maybe, just maybe they were asking questions because they were interested. So, I thought about the questions.....
How is my sight different, how does the floater effect sight and what can I see? Since September last year there have been many changes, the floater that first appeared was very black, very big and I couldn't see past it, it made life very difficult. Now, in February, a good five months down the line, I am unsure if it is the floater that has changed or me. I know it hasn't gone away or moved like the hospital hoped. I know it is as big and as black as it was, however I seem to be able to cope better. My brain seems to have adjusted to either see past it, or, which is more likely, my brain has stopped trying to see what it saw before September and has settled down to a new 'sight level'. This would explain why certain things that I could do before I now cant do. Like reading and writing. Reading is a waste of time, if its not large print I simply cant read it, even with magnifiers its hard going. Writing on the other hand has been a challenge that I am winning! At first I just couldn't write, well, what I wrote was incomprehensible, when I was at school I was proud of my neat writing, so I was gutted that I didn't seem to be able to form letters properly, let alone produce a neatly written sentence that someone could read and understand. But as I am writing my list of jobs to do everyday, I made sure I took my time and practised forming letters slowly so now although I cant read what I have written, I know its neat. I have also noticed that I get tired much quicker than I used to and doing different activities can be exhausting and will take me a couple of days to get over it! We went to Milton Keynes on Sunday to do some shopping, MK is a big shopping centre and I haven't been there for years, so after three hours walking around, I was starting to get dizzy with the constant moving and flow of people and the concentrating on keeping up with the family. I am also less patient than I was and get frustrated easily, my contact lenses make my eyes tired quicker than they used to, but if I take them out I cant see a thing with my glasses on, this makes me feel like I am trapped in a little world of my own, as once my lenses are out, any thoughts of doing anything other than sitting still with the ipad rubbing on the end of my nose are impossible.
See, how was I supposed to explain all that in a matter of seconds, and not sound like I am moaning and feeling sorry for myself.
Guess what...the sun is shining, so I have to rush and put more washing on the line. But I leave you with a photo of Ralph, sneaky little git!!
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