occupational Health

Another week has whizzed by, and there have been a few of those moments where time seems to stand still for you, but what's happening around you carries on, those moments are often the ones which firstly make you grateful for who you are but also make you remember what you are. 
Sitting in the MacMillan care unit on Monday at Lister Hospital I found myself looking around at all the people sat on the sofas and arm chairs, all sitting hand-in-hand with a loved one, some not speaking, others making empty plans for the future. I watched as one by one people were called in for either appointments with their Doctor or to receive treatment, sitting by the nurses desk I couldn't help but watch as the nurses called each patient to be weighed before their appointment, the nurses showing fond familiarity with most of the people they called and if not familiar they showed kind, gentle friendliness towards the newly terrified patients.
I heard snatched of good news and bad news as people passed where I sat, with strangers giving mumbles of sympathy or hope as these people passed by. There were people at all different stages, and although we were all sitting as part of a massive hospital, the waiting area felt like the only place left in the world, no-one minded that Chemotherapy was running an hour behind, it just meant more cups of tea and biscuits and a longer time holding the hand of that loved one. The heavy feeling I feel in my heart hasn't left me some five days later, and I keep wondering how the very sick man sitting in his wheelchair dressed only in his pj's and dressing gown is, or how his daughter is coping watching her Father become weaker, knowing that the colour his skin had turned to and the pain that rippled through his body each time he moved can only mean one thing, Or the lady and her husband, the husband looking wretched, terrified, and watching his wife's every move as if scared she might disappear while the wife was full of questions, positivity and defiance, and then there was the family, a family of three, man, woman and a tiny baby, the woman pushed the buggy with the baby and the man walked in front of them. I expected the woman to get up on the scales to be weighed as she looked so lost and scared, but no, it was the man, this perfectly healthy looking man, as they walked through the doors that connected the waiting room and the doctors consultant rooms I could hear the nurse explaining that his blood samples had come back and then she started explaining there showed a problem with the cells. Her voice drifted off as did the disappointing and devastated noises coming from the man and the woman as they were led through the doors to see the Doctor. I am still wondering about the lady who was so pleased as she had put some weight on and that she had been given happier news that day. There is nothing that can prepare you for something like this, no-one can tell you how you will feel or what will happen. This is a place that puts things into perspective, never take anything for granted, Cancer doesn't care who you are, what colour you skin is, how rich you are. Even though I have a very good friend who has been through this, I feel ashamed that it didn't feel real to me at the time, I only saw it from the outside looking in, instead of sitting on that sofa, Monday made me realise how real this is and how very different life would be now without her. 
I have spent the rest of the week feeling emotional and sensitive, I have cleaned parts of my house I didn't know you were supposed to clean, I have washed walls down, scrubbed floors and polished windows, all the while thinking of those folks I saw on Monday, and hoping that they know that people are thinking of them.
All this activity meant that Thursday came around too soon and I wasn't prepared for it, the Occupational Health appointment was upon me and it wasn't going away, so armed with the person who is very much my strongest defence, we barrelled off to the appointment not knowing what to expect. My previous experience with Occy Health was many years ago, and I saw a Doctor who wasn't very pleasant, and sent me back to work, which was fine but there was nothing really decided about what I needed only that I have a sight problem and I seem to be managing, so....carry on then dear. 
The lady we met on Thursday was not like the Doctor I met before, she explained who she was, what her qualifications were and what Occupational Health was there to do. I have always tried to look at things from the employers point of view and tried to remain as efficient and hard working as I can for fear of others  feeling that I was incapable of doing the job. But this lady made me turn the situation on its head and made me consider myself first, She made me remember that I have a condition that enables me from living my life as I would like to but there are also adjustments which can be made. She understood my need for normality but made me realise that my normal is normal, not someone else's normal! We talked for a long time about what to expect and how to prepare for returning to work. There are so many considerations and situations that I will need to be ready for. The emotional side of things, the staff I haven't seen for six months, I know some will want a hug, Others will be afraid to ask questions in case they might upset me, some staff will be new and wont know me while others wont care. Having to take a step back instead of taking the lead, learning to say out loud that there is something I cant do instead of just thinking it. Exhaustion, my brain works so hard to absorb all the information it receives, desperately tucking information away in memory for the next time I need it, the information I need for work has been asleep for months, it will take a while to get it pumping around my head again. Life doesn't stop when you finish work for the day, there are still Mum matters to get on with, meals to cook, house to clean, dog to walk, I know this process is going to take a while and it will be tiny steps as I become familiar and confident around the building again, and then building and rebuilding new and old relationships with staff and all that is before I am let back into the classroom. Above all she was very clear about the level of support they are there to provide and was keen to look into ways of helping me manage better. I am happy to come away from the meeting not feeling like a hindrance and with the knowledge I still valued as a member of staff. All that I have to come is nothing compared to what those people in that waiting room are going through and I count myself very lucky that the only thing I am loosing is sight.  Life can be cruel, don't take it for granted, do the things you want, tell the people you love that you love them and above all don't take chances with your health.
Speak Soon x