Hi Everyone,
I feel like I haven't written for weeks, and I am sorry for that, I seem to have been floating around in some sort of bubble, you know when everything starts to pile up on top of you? so you have a choice, collapse, cry and have a complete meltdown or bury your head deep in the sand and plough on until its safe to come out.
So, with my head buried very deep in the sand I ploughed on, but with no sign of life calming down there was only so much I could ignore, in the middle of all the chaos going on above the sand I managed to smash my phone, which then meant I lost communication with the three people who keep me sane through conversation that doesn't revolve around work, the next academic year, whose turn it is to cook dinner, who left a tissue in their jeans when they went to the wash, or why the toilet roll holder has a empty cardboard tube swinging from it. It also meant that I couldn't access my emails as easily, or have those delightful little notifications that constantly ping on your phone to tell you someone has written on Facebook! (see, every cloud has a silver lining!).
On the last day of term, I decided to pull my head out of the sand and face the world, we (as a team of hard arsed teaching assistants) pulled ourselves through a emotional last day, ensuring our students had a lovely day, we took them to a café, we sat in the sun drinking fruit shoots and eating cookies watching people scurrying around the market, and when we had sent them all home, with full bellies and dirty clothes we went to the pub!
I know I have shared with you the struggles of going out with people who I need to learn to trust, but I was determined to go and relax with the people I have worked so closely with for the last three years, we have become a little family, and in September I will have to work on learning to trust a whole new 'family'.
Anyway, my very pregnant Teacher and I got to the pub first and sat outside while the place filled up with employees (and now ex-employees) from our school, 45 minutes later I was on my way home, just enough time to have a nice chatter, a coke and slip away before it all got to much, learning my limitations you see!!
For the rest of the first week of the holidays it has done nothing but pour with rain, this has forced me to sit and think rationally about the amount of pressure I put myself under in the build up to the end of term, some of it couldn't be helped, but most of it I could have done differently and would have prevented the whole sand scenario. Somethings have to stop, and somethings I have to do differently. If I am to get through the next academic year without a meltdown, volunteering for the RNIB has to go on hold, it is unrealistic to think I can work four days, support my girls and my partner, give Ralph all the love and devotion he has become accustomed to, keep a clean house, put decent meals on the table and have some sort of a social life.
Once I had managed to sort all this stuff out in my brain, and make concrete decisions the heavy clouds began to lift, the sand drained out of my ears and the bubble popped.
This has led to me being brave enough to go to a food festival, where I knew there would be lots of people, but I wasn't prepared for the reality of it, loads of noise, music, chatting and laughter, every single food smell you can imagine....and people sitting on the floor!! Not the best combination for someone who has a vision impairment, but nevertheless, Mum instantly linked arms with me and we pushed ourselves into the crowd, but I hated it so, she steered me back out of the crowd straight to Zizzi for tea, Mum, my girls and I stuffed out faces with pasta, and then braved the festival again, this time from a different angel it didn't seem so bad, so we found a place that was selling Crepes and had our pudding.
By now I was feeling on a bit of a role, so I cleared out the loft, gathered a load of stuff we haven't used for ages and took it all to a car boot sale yesterday, we made £130, which was great, but I found it exhausting, watching people walking up and down, and trying to read peoples body language, and then you get the people who are trying to go through your car before you have even parked up! My plans for the rest of Saturday dissolved and a lot of sleeping happened instead.
Finally and thankfully I am feeling like me again, and I hope to be talking to you all regularly again.
Speak soon, when I can get a new phone, I will start taking photos to share again too xx
Sunday 30 July 2017
Sunday 9 July 2017
Baby Shower
Hello everybody,
I'm back again! Hope you are all doing ok? Time seems to be flying by and if you work in a school, you will understand how ridiculously busy this time of the year is, school trips, sports days, summer shows, Prom nights, leaving do's, that's before we start tidying the classroom, ensuring all the kids stuff is up to date and ready to pass on to their new teachers in September, and then there's the heat we have here at the moment, we don't have Air conditioning in our classroom, and by 10am the room is like a furnace and our group of children are hot. sweaty and grumpy...and the staff feel 50 times worse!
But, never mind, there is two weeks to go and then six weeks of crazy lazy days....or madly rushing around getting on top of all the things that get neglected on the build up to the holidays because we are to dam knackered to be bothered with anything by the time we get home from school!!
The teacher I have worked with for the last three years, is really very pregnant right now, and will soon be going off onto maternity leave. A few weeks ago she invited me to her Baby shower at her best friends Mum's house, I said I would go and put it to the back of my mind to deal with nearer the time, well, nearer the time flew along and soon became yesterday.
Still determined to go, I spent most of Friday evening on the loo having what can only be described as nerves! What if I fall over? What if I cant get close enough to someone's face to see if they are smiling at me or not? What if someone tries to talk to me while I am concentrating on adjusting to the environment I have never been in before, what if there is food and I need help identifying what the food is? A buffet is my worst nightmare! I knew I wouldn't be on my own as I know three other ladies who were going, one of which I trust with my life, but she has a baby herself and I cant expect her to watch out for me and her cute little one, one of the other ladies has never seen me out of my safe zone of school and our familiar routines, and the other lady also has a little girl and has just come back to work after maternity leave...ohhh and then there's Mrs Baby bump herself, but as it was a Baby shower for her I kinda thought she might want to be mingling with her family and friends instead of watching to check I hadn't ended up face down in a flower bed!
So, anyway, I spent a lot of time repeating a scene from The Grinch....i'm not going...I cant find anything to wear...yes, I will go because I am a tough chick....NOPE, I am DEFINATELY not GOING...lets sleep on it am see how I feel in the morning.
Saturday morning I found myself feeling much more in control, I didn't need to go to the loo, maybe this was because I was empty, I dunno! but I was frightened to eat just in case. I took Ralph for a long walk, and had a bowl of cereal when I got home, it stayed in, so all good.
Then I kept myself busy until it was time to get ready. My pregnant teacher, one of the other ladies I work with and her little daughter were picking me up, so that already took massive pressure off knowing I could follow them in, find somewhere to sit and stay put. I went for a wee just before they arrived and made a mental note not to drink too much so I wouldn't need the loo while I was there. It was a very beautiful afternoon, the sun shone and we sat in the garden, I tried so hard to style it so no one would know I couldn't see, and I totally would have failed if it hadn't have been for my friends, telling me there were steps on the patio (I literally had no idea there was a step and would have landed in a heap), filling up my lemonade and helping me at the dreaded buffet table, which was actually the most delish and posh buffet table I have ever experienced, and for flanking me while I ate, whether this was intentional or not, there is nothing worse than sitting eating with strangers when you have no idea what you are putting in you mouth! Thank you ladies for not leaving me sitting like a twat, for recognising that I need help, but doing it with dignity. Thank you to our pregnant lady for inviting me and a very special thank you to pregnant ladies Mum, best friend and her Mum (who I don't suppose will ever read this) but thank you anyway it was lovely to meet such kind, friendly and beautiful people.
I cant tell you how much yesterday did, not only for my self esteem and confidence, but for the trust I have in the people around me, which is something I have lost over the years, there aren't many people I trust outside of my family, and I don't mean the every day type of trust, I mean the trust that I wont be single out as the one that has sight loss, trust that I am included but respected as someone who needs to be quietly guided and trust that my friends understand my need to appear 'normal' I hate all that overwhelming sympathy, its demoralising.
You ladies were perfect and I thank you form the very bottom of my heart, I was very tired when I got in, and when I closed my eyes I got the flash backs of the day, which I haven't had for a long time and now realise that's because I haven't pushed myself to go anywhere different for a very long while, yesterday was so much more for me than just a Baby shower, sometimes I find myself wasting time wondering what it must be like to just be able to got to parties and things and not have all these underlying factors to consider, but there is nothing I can do about that so it would seem the best lesson I have learnt this weekend is that there ARE people who care about and will willingly watch out for me, and I need to let go and trust these people more often.
I leave you with a photo of the preside I got at the end of the shower, what a lovely idea...we got cake too, but...I ate it before I could take a photo!!
I'm back again! Hope you are all doing ok? Time seems to be flying by and if you work in a school, you will understand how ridiculously busy this time of the year is, school trips, sports days, summer shows, Prom nights, leaving do's, that's before we start tidying the classroom, ensuring all the kids stuff is up to date and ready to pass on to their new teachers in September, and then there's the heat we have here at the moment, we don't have Air conditioning in our classroom, and by 10am the room is like a furnace and our group of children are hot. sweaty and grumpy...and the staff feel 50 times worse!
But, never mind, there is two weeks to go and then six weeks of crazy lazy days....or madly rushing around getting on top of all the things that get neglected on the build up to the holidays because we are to dam knackered to be bothered with anything by the time we get home from school!!
The teacher I have worked with for the last three years, is really very pregnant right now, and will soon be going off onto maternity leave. A few weeks ago she invited me to her Baby shower at her best friends Mum's house, I said I would go and put it to the back of my mind to deal with nearer the time, well, nearer the time flew along and soon became yesterday.
Still determined to go, I spent most of Friday evening on the loo having what can only be described as nerves! What if I fall over? What if I cant get close enough to someone's face to see if they are smiling at me or not? What if someone tries to talk to me while I am concentrating on adjusting to the environment I have never been in before, what if there is food and I need help identifying what the food is? A buffet is my worst nightmare! I knew I wouldn't be on my own as I know three other ladies who were going, one of which I trust with my life, but she has a baby herself and I cant expect her to watch out for me and her cute little one, one of the other ladies has never seen me out of my safe zone of school and our familiar routines, and the other lady also has a little girl and has just come back to work after maternity leave...ohhh and then there's Mrs Baby bump herself, but as it was a Baby shower for her I kinda thought she might want to be mingling with her family and friends instead of watching to check I hadn't ended up face down in a flower bed!
So, anyway, I spent a lot of time repeating a scene from The Grinch....i'm not going...I cant find anything to wear...yes, I will go because I am a tough chick....NOPE, I am DEFINATELY not GOING...lets sleep on it am see how I feel in the morning.
Saturday morning I found myself feeling much more in control, I didn't need to go to the loo, maybe this was because I was empty, I dunno! but I was frightened to eat just in case. I took Ralph for a long walk, and had a bowl of cereal when I got home, it stayed in, so all good.
Then I kept myself busy until it was time to get ready. My pregnant teacher, one of the other ladies I work with and her little daughter were picking me up, so that already took massive pressure off knowing I could follow them in, find somewhere to sit and stay put. I went for a wee just before they arrived and made a mental note not to drink too much so I wouldn't need the loo while I was there. It was a very beautiful afternoon, the sun shone and we sat in the garden, I tried so hard to style it so no one would know I couldn't see, and I totally would have failed if it hadn't have been for my friends, telling me there were steps on the patio (I literally had no idea there was a step and would have landed in a heap), filling up my lemonade and helping me at the dreaded buffet table, which was actually the most delish and posh buffet table I have ever experienced, and for flanking me while I ate, whether this was intentional or not, there is nothing worse than sitting eating with strangers when you have no idea what you are putting in you mouth! Thank you ladies for not leaving me sitting like a twat, for recognising that I need help, but doing it with dignity. Thank you to our pregnant lady for inviting me and a very special thank you to pregnant ladies Mum, best friend and her Mum (who I don't suppose will ever read this) but thank you anyway it was lovely to meet such kind, friendly and beautiful people.
I cant tell you how much yesterday did, not only for my self esteem and confidence, but for the trust I have in the people around me, which is something I have lost over the years, there aren't many people I trust outside of my family, and I don't mean the every day type of trust, I mean the trust that I wont be single out as the one that has sight loss, trust that I am included but respected as someone who needs to be quietly guided and trust that my friends understand my need to appear 'normal' I hate all that overwhelming sympathy, its demoralising.
You ladies were perfect and I thank you form the very bottom of my heart, I was very tired when I got in, and when I closed my eyes I got the flash backs of the day, which I haven't had for a long time and now realise that's because I haven't pushed myself to go anywhere different for a very long while, yesterday was so much more for me than just a Baby shower, sometimes I find myself wasting time wondering what it must be like to just be able to got to parties and things and not have all these underlying factors to consider, but there is nothing I can do about that so it would seem the best lesson I have learnt this weekend is that there ARE people who care about and will willingly watch out for me, and I need to let go and trust these people more often.
I leave you with a photo of the preside I got at the end of the shower, what a lovely idea...we got cake too, but...I ate it before I could take a photo!!
You plant the seeds and watch them grow, that way the little baby growing is never far from your mind, just a fab idea.
speak soon xx
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