I have had a really interesting week. At the weekend I had become really frustrated with myself, I miss being at work and I especially miss being there at Christmas time, Christmas at our school is a glitter filled crazy chaos, this year I have been so sad to miss all the cake and biscuit making, the visit to Church, decorating gifts to send home and creating Christmas cards that wont ever stand up on their own as they are so heavy with glue and glitter, if, at the end of the day, the classroom wasn't covered completely in glitter and tiny pieces of pretty paper, then we hadn't had a good day. I miss seeing the change in their behaviours as they get nearer to Christmas, good or bad, they are expressing that they know something is different. there is nothing more beautiful than seeing pleasure in an autistic child's eyes.
I spent all Sunday thinking about all the things they would be getting up too during the last week of school and found myself making the decision that I wasn't going to wait around for this big black mark to move off my central vision, and declared that I would be signing myself back to work in January.....this was met with a big fat NO from my family. Feeling slightly disgruntled I took myself off to bed in a foul mood and sat in bed surfing the interworld!
After a while of finding nothing but crap, I tapped in 'How to get rid of floaters' the stuff that I already know came up, but then there was this webpage all about home remedies, so, the first two important factors are to relax and avoid stressful situations,(haha) then followed some food types, diet changes, avoid watching television or spending too much time on the computer, sleep well, yoga, drink plenty of water, eye exercise and massage....
Out of the list, eating the foods listed will not help my colitis so I cant change that, sleep well never happens at this time of year, but I will try, relaxing and avoiding stressful situations...seriously, this year has been the most stressful year I can remember, yoga..yup I can do yoga, drinking more isn't a problem I can do that too, I don't really watch TV and I can limit the time spent on the computer. That leaves eye exercise and massage, so I gave it a go...well, fudge me! you would never have said massaging the skin around your eyes would make a difference, it also said to massage you thumbs..YES YOUR THUMBS, and it works, honestly, every so often throughout the day I rubbed the top of my thumbs and my vision became clearer. I don't know where all this yoga and massage originates, but these people really know their shit, it also said the massage your big toes, this also was pleasantly surprising. Through following these guidelines I have noticed this week that I am definitely coping better with the floater, it hasn't gone away, but my brain seems to be starting to see through it. This has put me in a completely different place, I have now learnt to explore different things, have faith in my ability to change the course of events, don't ask me how it works, I have no clue, but I am very happy to be standing in the middle of a busy Waitrose massaging my thumbs, because not only is it helping me focus, the massage seems to relax me too, which in turn is helping with the anxiety crowded places cause.
With all this new found confidence, I took my first topic assessment for the Psychology I am studying, I had already had a little chat with myself and had decided that if I failed the first test, I would give up as I clearly wasn't brainy enough for re educating myself. To pass you needed 80% or above, if you got below the 80 you needed to keep trying until your score was high enough....wellll, I am massively excited to say I came in at 90% on the first try, although I only got two questions wrong, one of them I knew the right answer, but it was one of those split seconds when you doubt yourself and opt for the wrong answer, but whatever it doesn't matter cos it appears I am quite clever after all!
And I continued thinking I was clever until today....this afternoon actually, I popped into Hitchin with Mum on the bus, we wondered around slowly, watching all the manic shoppers stuffing massive amounts of food and drink into their trollies, and we were feeling reasonably smug as we didn't really need to be there, I picked up a 9 pack of loo rolls and was happily swinging them beside me as I rocked up to the till to pay for them, I am pretty sure the woman in front of me had little beads of sweat forming on her forehead as she paid the £345 shopping bill. I happily paid my £3.50 for my loo rolls and Mum and I swaggered towards the exit and out. Only OUT was dark, night had fallen really quickly and we made our way towards the bus stop. I really wasn't feeling it, there were people rushing around, traffic everywhere as folks knocked off from work and fled for home, but we got to the bus stop fairly unscathed. When the bus rolled up, it was a double decker, which as usual sent a ripple of excitement through the old folks, I could hardly make it out as it pulled up because it was absolutely filthy, the windows were covered in dirt, sitting down stairs I couldn't see a thing out of the windows.
As we trundled along it suddenly dawned on me that I had no idea where we were, Mum was struggling too, but reckoned she would know when we reached our village, which she did. Mum gets off at a stop before me, which sent a shiver of panic through me as how would I know when it was my stop??? In her wisdom, Mum says its OK, your stop is four stops up. Well, its a bloody good job I had a back up plan cos the bloody bus didn't stop at any other stop, as no-one wanted to get on and no-one wanted to get off....thank god I had clocked a oldie who I know gets off at the stop before mine so as soon as she was off I pressed the 'bus stopping' bell and luckily it ground to a stop at the correct stop. Again I hadn't considered that sitting in a brightly lit bus would have such an effect when stepping off the bus into the darkness. I had to stand still and let my sight adjust to the change in light. I felt a right prat standing in the dark with my toilet rolls with people rushing past me, I felt the need to explain why I was just standing there, Don't say it....Why didn't you take your cane???? I dunno, another day another lesson learnt I suppose!
I don't suppose I will write again now before Christmas so I wish you all a very Happy Christmas xx
Thursday 21 December 2017
Saturday 16 December 2017
Snow Day
Once again I seem to have let two weeks at least pass without writing to you all. I would like to say that's because nothing much has happened and I have been quietly sitting around enjoying myself, but sadly life has been nothing more than carnage, with a few treats chucked in just to keep me from going completely over the edge!
Sometimes it is so hard to remember that everyone has shit going on in their lives and that I haven't been personally chosen by some wanker sitting high up in the clouds to experience every single situation and emotion in the space of a short year, hard times are not exclusive to me everyone has them......all that said, last week when my dishwasher broke I think it was the final straw. Its just a dishwasher I keep telling myself, how on earth did I manage without one before?...I could see better then, washing up by hand now feels like life is sticking two fingers up at me, reminding me that this is yet another job that I cant do as well as I used too. The dishwasher was a happy substitution for the fact that I keep putting 'rejects' on the draining board. I refuse to buy a new dishwasher at this time of the year when everything will be half price in two weeks time, so it looks like the attractive yellow rubber gloves will be staying over Christmas!
Over the last couple of weeks I have found that I have almost been begging that I would open my eyes in the morning and the big floater has moved away, its the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night, I so badly want to get back to some sort of normality that I am steamrolling through the day, just so I can go to bed. Do you know what I mean? Its sort of like a child at Christmas, they know the big day is getting nearer, so they ram all the things they should be doing during the day in to a two hour slot and then are in their Pj's by 2pm waiting to go to bed so they can get a day nearer...that's what I am doing, only there is no set date, so I am chasing something that might never come. Pre PTS therapy, I might have carried on until I was a complete blubbering wreak, but the therapy has taught me to refocus and rethink, so I sat one afternoon with the laptop and browsed on-line courses, I spoke to my contact at RNIB and he suggested that I tried a company called ALISON, they offer free on-line courses, you pay for your certificate at the end. So, I kinda though, I have nothing to lose, its not going to cost me anything, and the course that interests me came up, so I applied and started a diploma in Psychology, its great and is definitely giving me something other than floaters to think about. This was perfect timing, as we woke up last Sunday morning to a blanket of white fluffy snow and a message from my other half not under at circumstances to go out in it.....so I got dressed, put my wellies on and went out! I took Ralph with me and he was extremely disappointed when we got to the top of the road and I had to turn back. I had no idea where the safe places to walk were and the snow was so white it hurt my eyes, by the time we has slipped back to the front door I had the beginnings of what I call eye related head ache. Off came the wellies and the clothes, on when the slippers, fluffy socks and winter Pjs. And Ralph and I curled up under the blanket and I taught him all about 'The learning Theory, Neurons, Sympathetic and Parasympathetic division'....I not sure how much he listened too as he spent most of the time gazing out of the window at the falling snow!
Obviously, I am finding it a bit of a challenge as I cant see too good, but slow and steady wins the race eh? There are loads of different courses to do and I do love learning.
The snow hung around a bit and to make matters more dangerous for me and everyone else walking on the pavements the arrival of ice on top of the snow has meant that I have spent most days at home this week, if it hadn't have been for the course and my 'schedule list' I think I would be signing up for more therapy. The 'schedule list' has been fantastic, its one of the most simple yet effective ideas ever. The night before I sit and write all the jobs that I need to get done on a big note pad, the next day, as I do them, I tick them off and at the end of the day if there is a job that hasn't been done I move it to the next day, there is something enormously satisfying about completing every job on the list and tearing off the sheet and throwing it away. It innocently keeps me focused and on track.
I did have some photos of Ralph in the snow to show you, but my phone did a update and kindly deleted half my photos!
The one job that keeps getting pushed along to the next day and has done for over a week is writing Christmas cards, I just don't want to do it, I don't know why, I have always been really proud of how neat my hand writing is and lately its not been looking so legible, so it kind of feels like another failure that I cant produce such nice writing anymore. Parcel wrapping...now, I have been a bit crafty with that this year, I have made sure all my gifts are boxes or presents that are easily wrapped. Mum introduced me to M&S wrapping paper which has got cutting lines marked out in bold, so you follow the line with your scissors, but then I ran out so I opened a new roll that I brought from Sainsbury and was so pleased to see lines on the back of this paper too. As I was lent over the paper carefully snipping along the line, a voice says, what you up too? I say I am cutting along the lines of the wrapping paper stupid? the voice says...there are no lines on that paper, stupid! See, how incredible are we? My brain had remembered the lines from the other wrapping paper and was still seeing them on the new roll even though my eyes weren't!!
Well, I leave you with a photo of my lazy mate who likes to take up the whole sofa.
Speak Soon xx
Sometimes it is so hard to remember that everyone has shit going on in their lives and that I haven't been personally chosen by some wanker sitting high up in the clouds to experience every single situation and emotion in the space of a short year, hard times are not exclusive to me everyone has them......all that said, last week when my dishwasher broke I think it was the final straw. Its just a dishwasher I keep telling myself, how on earth did I manage without one before?...I could see better then, washing up by hand now feels like life is sticking two fingers up at me, reminding me that this is yet another job that I cant do as well as I used too. The dishwasher was a happy substitution for the fact that I keep putting 'rejects' on the draining board. I refuse to buy a new dishwasher at this time of the year when everything will be half price in two weeks time, so it looks like the attractive yellow rubber gloves will be staying over Christmas!
Over the last couple of weeks I have found that I have almost been begging that I would open my eyes in the morning and the big floater has moved away, its the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night, I so badly want to get back to some sort of normality that I am steamrolling through the day, just so I can go to bed. Do you know what I mean? Its sort of like a child at Christmas, they know the big day is getting nearer, so they ram all the things they should be doing during the day in to a two hour slot and then are in their Pj's by 2pm waiting to go to bed so they can get a day nearer...that's what I am doing, only there is no set date, so I am chasing something that might never come. Pre PTS therapy, I might have carried on until I was a complete blubbering wreak, but the therapy has taught me to refocus and rethink, so I sat one afternoon with the laptop and browsed on-line courses, I spoke to my contact at RNIB and he suggested that I tried a company called ALISON, they offer free on-line courses, you pay for your certificate at the end. So, I kinda though, I have nothing to lose, its not going to cost me anything, and the course that interests me came up, so I applied and started a diploma in Psychology, its great and is definitely giving me something other than floaters to think about. This was perfect timing, as we woke up last Sunday morning to a blanket of white fluffy snow and a message from my other half not under at circumstances to go out in it.....so I got dressed, put my wellies on and went out! I took Ralph with me and he was extremely disappointed when we got to the top of the road and I had to turn back. I had no idea where the safe places to walk were and the snow was so white it hurt my eyes, by the time we has slipped back to the front door I had the beginnings of what I call eye related head ache. Off came the wellies and the clothes, on when the slippers, fluffy socks and winter Pjs. And Ralph and I curled up under the blanket and I taught him all about 'The learning Theory, Neurons, Sympathetic and Parasympathetic division'....I not sure how much he listened too as he spent most of the time gazing out of the window at the falling snow!
Obviously, I am finding it a bit of a challenge as I cant see too good, but slow and steady wins the race eh? There are loads of different courses to do and I do love learning.
The snow hung around a bit and to make matters more dangerous for me and everyone else walking on the pavements the arrival of ice on top of the snow has meant that I have spent most days at home this week, if it hadn't have been for the course and my 'schedule list' I think I would be signing up for more therapy. The 'schedule list' has been fantastic, its one of the most simple yet effective ideas ever. The night before I sit and write all the jobs that I need to get done on a big note pad, the next day, as I do them, I tick them off and at the end of the day if there is a job that hasn't been done I move it to the next day, there is something enormously satisfying about completing every job on the list and tearing off the sheet and throwing it away. It innocently keeps me focused and on track.
I did have some photos of Ralph in the snow to show you, but my phone did a update and kindly deleted half my photos!
The one job that keeps getting pushed along to the next day and has done for over a week is writing Christmas cards, I just don't want to do it, I don't know why, I have always been really proud of how neat my hand writing is and lately its not been looking so legible, so it kind of feels like another failure that I cant produce such nice writing anymore. Parcel wrapping...now, I have been a bit crafty with that this year, I have made sure all my gifts are boxes or presents that are easily wrapped. Mum introduced me to M&S wrapping paper which has got cutting lines marked out in bold, so you follow the line with your scissors, but then I ran out so I opened a new roll that I brought from Sainsbury and was so pleased to see lines on the back of this paper too. As I was lent over the paper carefully snipping along the line, a voice says, what you up too? I say I am cutting along the lines of the wrapping paper stupid? the voice says...there are no lines on that paper, stupid! See, how incredible are we? My brain had remembered the lines from the other wrapping paper and was still seeing them on the new roll even though my eyes weren't!!
Well, I leave you with a photo of my lazy mate who likes to take up the whole sofa.
Speak Soon xx
Friday 1 December 2017
A Christmas Rant
I've been thinking.....I know, my lot tell me all the time I think way too much.....
I was thinking about how easy it is to cut ourselves off from the world outside our front doors, and I know I talk about that a lot, but what about when the tables turn and being cut off is taken out of our hands.
Take this time of the year for example, its the festive season and my Facebook page is alight with all the Christmas fayres, fetes, festivals and markets. I would love to attend some of the places that pop up, but I know without a doubt it would be a nightmare.
Lets all think about it for a moment.... Lets Take Mr and Mrs non disability, they get up on a Saturday morning and decide they will go off to, I dunno, lets say Wadderston Mannor to look at their Christmas light display and wonder around the market. No problem, off they go, parking is a bit of a bitch and if they were disabled they might have got a better parking space, but hey, they stomp across a muddy car park and enter through the gates. The place is packed with people wondering about, so busy looking at all the beautiful things that they aren't really aware of their immediate surroundings, so they might bump into someone, they might exchange apologies and the moment is forgotten. I know what it is like, I remember what it is like to be a 'normal' human, so I have lifted my children high above my head so they get the best view, I have pushed my way forward into the crowd standing around the stall selling hot chocolate and Gingerbread, I would happily pick my way though a over crowded café to buy lunch and still manage to spot an empty table and put my claim to it. I wouldn't feel pressured to move along as I looked at baubles and other Christmas decorations, and I didn't need to ask someone else what the price tag said, oh how things have changed. I hope I am not making it sound that I think that Mr and Mrs non disability are ignorant to others especially folks with a disability, because I am certainly not, I am, however, saying that these events are not very well thought out for people with a disability.
Yeah, ok, we do get the disabled parking. But from there on, to attend a large function is nothing more than carnage. Its impossible to use my cane in a over crowded venue, people shouldn't be expected to leap out of your way when they are enjoying themselves, they are focused on their families and savouring each moment, again, hands up, I have been there too. I once nearly landed in a wheelchair with a old lady because I was looking up at this amazing Christmas tree and had totally missed the carers sliding her along beside me, thankfully she thought it was funny and I was much lighter then so she wasn't too squashed, but within ten minutes I had forgotten it, but I can bet the carer and the old lady were on high alert for the rest of the day for strange women falling onto old ladies laps!
So, why cant these places open up for a couple of hours before Mr an Mrs non disability come along for people with disabilities and their families? I am fully aware that as a disabled person I don't always pay a full priced ticket because there are things I cant access, but I would much rather pay full price for a ticket for a couple of hours to be able to enjoy what everyone else is enjoying.
Just imagine, they could turn down the music a little, the place wouldn't be so busy, the pressure would be lessened and when the venue opened to the rest of the public they wouldn't have to worry about bumping into wheelchairs, tripping over white canes or standing open mouthed as a fully grown teenager has a complete melt down and because they haven't had any dealings with a autistic child they presume you are trailing a badly behaved monster around with you who deserves a slap!
Oh my god, and why isn't there some sort of system where we could go into a concert for example and the music doesn't get played so loud. The government goes on about inclusion, but there is no inclusion. #Debenhams....I dare you to open on a Sunday morning for two hours just for disabled people to do some Christmas shopping.
I long to experience Christmas as I used too, but I and so many others cant.
Maybe its because there is a bit of a taboo concerning people with disabilities and what the expectations are. wouldn't it be great if a company just said...look, what would you like? We are holding a Christmas event, its going to be over four days, should we shut to the general public for two hours on the first day of the event so that we can have a slot for disabled....but then I suppose you are always going to get some cranky old sod that disagrees.
Well, now I have got that rant out of my system I am going to switch on my Christmas lights and think about the fact that I want to go to a local Christmas market tomorrow.....
I was thinking about how easy it is to cut ourselves off from the world outside our front doors, and I know I talk about that a lot, but what about when the tables turn and being cut off is taken out of our hands.
Take this time of the year for example, its the festive season and my Facebook page is alight with all the Christmas fayres, fetes, festivals and markets. I would love to attend some of the places that pop up, but I know without a doubt it would be a nightmare.
Lets all think about it for a moment.... Lets Take Mr and Mrs non disability, they get up on a Saturday morning and decide they will go off to, I dunno, lets say Wadderston Mannor to look at their Christmas light display and wonder around the market. No problem, off they go, parking is a bit of a bitch and if they were disabled they might have got a better parking space, but hey, they stomp across a muddy car park and enter through the gates. The place is packed with people wondering about, so busy looking at all the beautiful things that they aren't really aware of their immediate surroundings, so they might bump into someone, they might exchange apologies and the moment is forgotten. I know what it is like, I remember what it is like to be a 'normal' human, so I have lifted my children high above my head so they get the best view, I have pushed my way forward into the crowd standing around the stall selling hot chocolate and Gingerbread, I would happily pick my way though a over crowded café to buy lunch and still manage to spot an empty table and put my claim to it. I wouldn't feel pressured to move along as I looked at baubles and other Christmas decorations, and I didn't need to ask someone else what the price tag said, oh how things have changed. I hope I am not making it sound that I think that Mr and Mrs non disability are ignorant to others especially folks with a disability, because I am certainly not, I am, however, saying that these events are not very well thought out for people with a disability.
Yeah, ok, we do get the disabled parking. But from there on, to attend a large function is nothing more than carnage. Its impossible to use my cane in a over crowded venue, people shouldn't be expected to leap out of your way when they are enjoying themselves, they are focused on their families and savouring each moment, again, hands up, I have been there too. I once nearly landed in a wheelchair with a old lady because I was looking up at this amazing Christmas tree and had totally missed the carers sliding her along beside me, thankfully she thought it was funny and I was much lighter then so she wasn't too squashed, but within ten minutes I had forgotten it, but I can bet the carer and the old lady were on high alert for the rest of the day for strange women falling onto old ladies laps!
So, why cant these places open up for a couple of hours before Mr an Mrs non disability come along for people with disabilities and their families? I am fully aware that as a disabled person I don't always pay a full priced ticket because there are things I cant access, but I would much rather pay full price for a ticket for a couple of hours to be able to enjoy what everyone else is enjoying.
Just imagine, they could turn down the music a little, the place wouldn't be so busy, the pressure would be lessened and when the venue opened to the rest of the public they wouldn't have to worry about bumping into wheelchairs, tripping over white canes or standing open mouthed as a fully grown teenager has a complete melt down and because they haven't had any dealings with a autistic child they presume you are trailing a badly behaved monster around with you who deserves a slap!
Oh my god, and why isn't there some sort of system where we could go into a concert for example and the music doesn't get played so loud. The government goes on about inclusion, but there is no inclusion. #Debenhams....I dare you to open on a Sunday morning for two hours just for disabled people to do some Christmas shopping.
I long to experience Christmas as I used too, but I and so many others cant.
Maybe its because there is a bit of a taboo concerning people with disabilities and what the expectations are. wouldn't it be great if a company just said...look, what would you like? We are holding a Christmas event, its going to be over four days, should we shut to the general public for two hours on the first day of the event so that we can have a slot for disabled....but then I suppose you are always going to get some cranky old sod that disagrees.
Well, now I have got that rant out of my system I am going to switch on my Christmas lights and think about the fact that I want to go to a local Christmas market tomorrow.....
Wednesday 29 November 2017
Appointment at Moorfields
Nearly a whole week later and I have finally started to get my head around my visit to Moorfields well enough to share it with you.
Any one living in the East of England might remember that last Thursdays weather was crap. We had freezing rain and high winds, stay indoors under a duvet weather, but I dutifully brought two return tickets, peak time, into London on Wednesday morning. I popped them in my purse all nice and safe. My appointment at Moorfields was at 9am (and I promise you now, if they ever give me a appointment at that time again, they can feck right off!) In my wisdom, because I am very astute and aware of how unpredictable our public transport is, I opted to get the train before the one I actually needed to get. So, my partner and I fought our way to the stain station at 7am in the wind and rain to catch the 7.15am train into London. I took the train tickets out of my purse put my way out journey ticket in my coat pocket and gave my other half his, and then put the return tickets back in my purse.
On the platform the rain was cold and the wind howled around us and I began to wonder why the hell I thought wearing a skirt was a good idea. I shoved my hands deeper into my coat pocket and did the stamping my feet thing that every single commuter on the packed platform was doing, then my nose felt drippy so I felt around in the pockets...nope, nothing in my pockets.....OH FUCK, THERE IS NOTHING IN MY POCKETS... total panic, I had lost my ticket, the other half doesn't panic and says..never mind we will just buy another....so off we go and squeeze into the packed ticket office to buy another ticket. I fought my way forward and explained to the lady ticket seller that I needed to buy another ticket because mine had blown away, she laughed and said she remembered me buying it yesterday, so she just printed me off another one. PHEW, ticket problem sorted and we made our way back up the platform to our spot! Only for an announcement to come on the loud speaker to say our train had been cancelled and the next one will be delayed. Dismay, I cant tell you how panicked I felt, a whole load of people left the platform, jumping into their cars and driving to the next station where there are more trains in to London due to the Cambridge and Peterborough lines meeting there. So what do we do? Do the same? Stay put and hope the train isn't cancelled? or Drive to London? The third option wasn't really an option as driving into London and then finding parking would be ridiculous, if we drive to the next station, we still have to find some where to park the car, so we opted to wait, we decided to walk off the platform and stand under the bridge for a bit of shelter, and there, in the middle of the road, being tossed along in the wind, was my lost ticket! Bloody thing!
The train rumbled in 20 mins late and had been reduced from twelve carriages to eight, you can imagine the carnage...there was no way all the people on the platform were going to fit on the already packed train, however I HAD to get on this train, there was already no way I was going to make the 9am appointment, so I do what I do best and started barking orders at people to move there fat arses down the train cos I was getting on even if it meant crowd surfing. Once we were on we spent the next forty minutes uncomfortably close to other humans, and our next train to Old Street was just as packed. How people working in London do this every day I will never know, I really hope they are paid well, cos there isn't any amount of money that would get me rubbing noses and other body parts with strangers every morning. We moved quickly with the flow of people towards the underground exit and onto the street, and luckily we were able to get to the hospital without much delay. I was twenty minutes late for my appointment but it didn't seem to be a problem for them, luckily. My heart was still racing as I was called in for a eye sight test and to have my eyes dilated, and the nurse made me sit quietly for a few minutes to calm down. The sight test was crap, but I already knew that there had been a big change. I was sat back out in the corridor to wait for scans, I was only sitting there about ten minutes before I was called in, fifteen minutes later I was sitting back in the corridor waiting for the consultant to call me in.
This is where things get really confusing, I was called in to see a junior consultant, who was lovely, but said the new scans do not show a hole, overwhelming relief warmed my entire soul (quite literally, I was so pleased) he said that he was sure I had been misdiagnosed BUT the scan did show that the jelly which is attached to the retina has detached itself and is now settled away from the retina, this is also good newsish, as the jelly is no longer pulling on the retina which means a tear or retinal detachment is less likely although the scan did show an accumulation of fluid which isn't so good. The reason I cannot see is because I have a very small patch of blur in my central vision (which has a name but I cant remember, spell or pronounce it) accompanied by this massive black floater which has also fixed its self right in my central vision. My consultant, the man at the top, was wondering around checking all his juniors were ok when he noticed me, after ejecting the poor junior from his seat, my consultant checks my scans and then my eyes, sits back and stares at me for a moment. He then went into much explanation and detail about how the floater might move on its own, he couldn't say when, and he couldn't promise that it would ever move or that once it had moved that it wouldn't move back. when I explained that it was having a big impact on my quality of life, as in I can't be at work, I can't go shopping on my own, i can read or write etc, he talked about operating to remove the floater, or rather he talked about removing a floater from someone's eyes whose sight wasn't as bad as mine, and then he talked about operating on me. His actual words were...The odds of us operating and us not making your sight worse, are fucking shit! 1 in 500. You know I am going to be that 1 person out of 500 that gets an infection, or the op causes a retinal split, Then there will be no way of regaining the sight I have now.
If you said to me the odds of me winning the lottery are 1 in 500 I wouldn't stand a chance of winning, and it wouldn't change my life. But, 1 in 500 chance that the operation will cause my sight to be worse WILL make a difference to my life isn't a sensible gamble worth taking.
My consultant felt the best thing to do is to leave it well alone, give it three months to see if it moves on its own, he then decided that he would like me to see the top surgeon guy there and then and went off to see if this man was willing to see me at such short notice and with out an appointment. Lucky for me he was and I was marched off across the hospital to meet the surgeon, he also looked at my scans and then into my eyes and concluded the same as my consultant. The operation to remove the floater is a very easy one, however its just too risky to perform this kind of surgery on me, he agreed that it might move on its own and that after a three month period I should return and go over options. In the mean time, go home, take it easy and go to see my GP. I feel lost, I don't feel like I am any further forward, in fact, a hole would have been easier to cope with, if there was a hole I would know what the expectations are and I would be able to prepare for the future. As it is, I cant prepare for any thing, its a waiting game for something that might never happen. Another factor is that my brain might adjust and I learn to cope with it, maybe even sort of see past it. I just don't know, time will tell. The return journey from the hospital went without a hitch, in fact I think from leaving my house in the morning to arriving at the hospital took longer than the whole time I was at the hospital and my journey home! I spent a lot of Friday feeling a mixture of sadness, frustration and anger, anger because I was told there was a hole, I had spent the last three months grieving for something I didn't have, but my CBT sprang back into my head, and I realise there is nothing I can do about that, the fact is, there is no hole, and that is a very good fact so what's the point in getting all crabby over something that is in the past. Put it to bed Lynda, its done, focus on the positive and don't let the negative take control.
So, here we are a week later, the floater hasn't moved yet. At the weekend we decided to drag out the Christmas tree, It was noticeably hard for me to decorate the tree, I got very upset when I couldn't see where the fairy lights needed to be and ended up switching them on so I could get them on the tree, then I got into a massive tangle. In the end I sat on the sofa and watched the girls do something I used to love doing. Its taken a few days to get it looking how we like the tree to look but its done.
Any one living in the East of England might remember that last Thursdays weather was crap. We had freezing rain and high winds, stay indoors under a duvet weather, but I dutifully brought two return tickets, peak time, into London on Wednesday morning. I popped them in my purse all nice and safe. My appointment at Moorfields was at 9am (and I promise you now, if they ever give me a appointment at that time again, they can feck right off!) In my wisdom, because I am very astute and aware of how unpredictable our public transport is, I opted to get the train before the one I actually needed to get. So, my partner and I fought our way to the stain station at 7am in the wind and rain to catch the 7.15am train into London. I took the train tickets out of my purse put my way out journey ticket in my coat pocket and gave my other half his, and then put the return tickets back in my purse.
On the platform the rain was cold and the wind howled around us and I began to wonder why the hell I thought wearing a skirt was a good idea. I shoved my hands deeper into my coat pocket and did the stamping my feet thing that every single commuter on the packed platform was doing, then my nose felt drippy so I felt around in the pockets...nope, nothing in my pockets.....OH FUCK, THERE IS NOTHING IN MY POCKETS... total panic, I had lost my ticket, the other half doesn't panic and says..never mind we will just buy another....so off we go and squeeze into the packed ticket office to buy another ticket. I fought my way forward and explained to the lady ticket seller that I needed to buy another ticket because mine had blown away, she laughed and said she remembered me buying it yesterday, so she just printed me off another one. PHEW, ticket problem sorted and we made our way back up the platform to our spot! Only for an announcement to come on the loud speaker to say our train had been cancelled and the next one will be delayed. Dismay, I cant tell you how panicked I felt, a whole load of people left the platform, jumping into their cars and driving to the next station where there are more trains in to London due to the Cambridge and Peterborough lines meeting there. So what do we do? Do the same? Stay put and hope the train isn't cancelled? or Drive to London? The third option wasn't really an option as driving into London and then finding parking would be ridiculous, if we drive to the next station, we still have to find some where to park the car, so we opted to wait, we decided to walk off the platform and stand under the bridge for a bit of shelter, and there, in the middle of the road, being tossed along in the wind, was my lost ticket! Bloody thing!
The train rumbled in 20 mins late and had been reduced from twelve carriages to eight, you can imagine the carnage...there was no way all the people on the platform were going to fit on the already packed train, however I HAD to get on this train, there was already no way I was going to make the 9am appointment, so I do what I do best and started barking orders at people to move there fat arses down the train cos I was getting on even if it meant crowd surfing. Once we were on we spent the next forty minutes uncomfortably close to other humans, and our next train to Old Street was just as packed. How people working in London do this every day I will never know, I really hope they are paid well, cos there isn't any amount of money that would get me rubbing noses and other body parts with strangers every morning. We moved quickly with the flow of people towards the underground exit and onto the street, and luckily we were able to get to the hospital without much delay. I was twenty minutes late for my appointment but it didn't seem to be a problem for them, luckily. My heart was still racing as I was called in for a eye sight test and to have my eyes dilated, and the nurse made me sit quietly for a few minutes to calm down. The sight test was crap, but I already knew that there had been a big change. I was sat back out in the corridor to wait for scans, I was only sitting there about ten minutes before I was called in, fifteen minutes later I was sitting back in the corridor waiting for the consultant to call me in.
This is where things get really confusing, I was called in to see a junior consultant, who was lovely, but said the new scans do not show a hole, overwhelming relief warmed my entire soul (quite literally, I was so pleased) he said that he was sure I had been misdiagnosed BUT the scan did show that the jelly which is attached to the retina has detached itself and is now settled away from the retina, this is also good newsish, as the jelly is no longer pulling on the retina which means a tear or retinal detachment is less likely although the scan did show an accumulation of fluid which isn't so good. The reason I cannot see is because I have a very small patch of blur in my central vision (which has a name but I cant remember, spell or pronounce it) accompanied by this massive black floater which has also fixed its self right in my central vision. My consultant, the man at the top, was wondering around checking all his juniors were ok when he noticed me, after ejecting the poor junior from his seat, my consultant checks my scans and then my eyes, sits back and stares at me for a moment. He then went into much explanation and detail about how the floater might move on its own, he couldn't say when, and he couldn't promise that it would ever move or that once it had moved that it wouldn't move back. when I explained that it was having a big impact on my quality of life, as in I can't be at work, I can't go shopping on my own, i can read or write etc, he talked about operating to remove the floater, or rather he talked about removing a floater from someone's eyes whose sight wasn't as bad as mine, and then he talked about operating on me. His actual words were...The odds of us operating and us not making your sight worse, are fucking shit! 1 in 500. You know I am going to be that 1 person out of 500 that gets an infection, or the op causes a retinal split, Then there will be no way of regaining the sight I have now.
If you said to me the odds of me winning the lottery are 1 in 500 I wouldn't stand a chance of winning, and it wouldn't change my life. But, 1 in 500 chance that the operation will cause my sight to be worse WILL make a difference to my life isn't a sensible gamble worth taking.
My consultant felt the best thing to do is to leave it well alone, give it three months to see if it moves on its own, he then decided that he would like me to see the top surgeon guy there and then and went off to see if this man was willing to see me at such short notice and with out an appointment. Lucky for me he was and I was marched off across the hospital to meet the surgeon, he also looked at my scans and then into my eyes and concluded the same as my consultant. The operation to remove the floater is a very easy one, however its just too risky to perform this kind of surgery on me, he agreed that it might move on its own and that after a three month period I should return and go over options. In the mean time, go home, take it easy and go to see my GP. I feel lost, I don't feel like I am any further forward, in fact, a hole would have been easier to cope with, if there was a hole I would know what the expectations are and I would be able to prepare for the future. As it is, I cant prepare for any thing, its a waiting game for something that might never happen. Another factor is that my brain might adjust and I learn to cope with it, maybe even sort of see past it. I just don't know, time will tell. The return journey from the hospital went without a hitch, in fact I think from leaving my house in the morning to arriving at the hospital took longer than the whole time I was at the hospital and my journey home! I spent a lot of Friday feeling a mixture of sadness, frustration and anger, anger because I was told there was a hole, I had spent the last three months grieving for something I didn't have, but my CBT sprang back into my head, and I realise there is nothing I can do about that, the fact is, there is no hole, and that is a very good fact so what's the point in getting all crabby over something that is in the past. Put it to bed Lynda, its done, focus on the positive and don't let the negative take control.
So, here we are a week later, the floater hasn't moved yet. At the weekend we decided to drag out the Christmas tree, It was noticeably hard for me to decorate the tree, I got very upset when I couldn't see where the fairy lights needed to be and ended up switching them on so I could get them on the tree, then I got into a massive tangle. In the end I sat on the sofa and watched the girls do something I used to love doing. Its taken a few days to get it looking how we like the tree to look but its done.
We also thought we would open a tub of quality street while we decorated, when we started to tidy up the lid of the tub was no where to be found......
Too dam cheeky x
Tuesday 21 November 2017
The Fall
Today I fell...
Not an emotional fall, not the sort of fall that is accidental but the sort of fall that reminds you who you are. Its a very dull day here, warm and windy, but very overcast and grey.
My 'schedule' or job list has been going great and I have managed to totally focus on it everyday, making sure the list is completed. I have had my PJ's on under my clothes once since last Tuesday and I have made sure my hair brush and my hair meet at least once a day. Top of todays list was to make a few telephone calls (which I have been putting off for months), take the dog for a walk and buy Daughter number twos train tickets into college for the rest of this week.
Because I am super organised and a woman who has multi-tasking down to a fine art, I thought I would get ready for the walk, take Ralph with me as I picked up the tickets and then take him over the railway bridge and over the fields where he can run and roll in as much fox poop as he liked.
So, up the steps I go at the railway station and in through the doors to the ticket office, managed to avoid Ralph trying to take a leak up someone's brief case and left through the other door which leads straight onto the platform. In my genius plan I had forgotten to factor in the swarm of people making their way to work and stepped out of the doors into a flood of people. I fought my way through the crowd to the bridge steps. Now, usually I hold the rail and tend to climb the steps on the right side, so use my right hand to hold on and the dog lead in my left, but there were people running down the steps on the right, and people sitting on the steps to the left. Not wanting to draw attention to myself or get in a fight with someone if I asked them to move, I decide to go up the steps in the middle..........VERY bad move! There's two flights of steps before you get to the top and a sort of landing thing half way between them, I recon I had only got half way up the first flight when I felt my balance start to go, within a millisecond of the message reaching my brain to say, 'be careful you need to hold on or you are going to trip', I was face down on the steps, I felt the palm of my right hand scrape on the concrete, my left hand, still holding onto the lead, do some sort of twisty thing and a sharp pain shot through the bottom of my back. The next thing a little wet nose was in my ear and a rough tongue licking my cheek. As fast I went down I was back up, With Ralph jumping up at my side I marched up the rest of the steps down the other side and walked Ralph over the fields.
I was fine until I got home and had a hot bath. Now every thing aches, my head aches, my back aches and I feel like someone has got hold of my shoulders and given me a hard shake.
But, I live to learn another lesson I suppose.
I am now going to have a little sleep as I feel so crappy, but I am back to the hospital on Thursday, will let you know how it goes x
Not an emotional fall, not the sort of fall that is accidental but the sort of fall that reminds you who you are. Its a very dull day here, warm and windy, but very overcast and grey.
My 'schedule' or job list has been going great and I have managed to totally focus on it everyday, making sure the list is completed. I have had my PJ's on under my clothes once since last Tuesday and I have made sure my hair brush and my hair meet at least once a day. Top of todays list was to make a few telephone calls (which I have been putting off for months), take the dog for a walk and buy Daughter number twos train tickets into college for the rest of this week.
Because I am super organised and a woman who has multi-tasking down to a fine art, I thought I would get ready for the walk, take Ralph with me as I picked up the tickets and then take him over the railway bridge and over the fields where he can run and roll in as much fox poop as he liked.
So, up the steps I go at the railway station and in through the doors to the ticket office, managed to avoid Ralph trying to take a leak up someone's brief case and left through the other door which leads straight onto the platform. In my genius plan I had forgotten to factor in the swarm of people making their way to work and stepped out of the doors into a flood of people. I fought my way through the crowd to the bridge steps. Now, usually I hold the rail and tend to climb the steps on the right side, so use my right hand to hold on and the dog lead in my left, but there were people running down the steps on the right, and people sitting on the steps to the left. Not wanting to draw attention to myself or get in a fight with someone if I asked them to move, I decide to go up the steps in the middle..........VERY bad move! There's two flights of steps before you get to the top and a sort of landing thing half way between them, I recon I had only got half way up the first flight when I felt my balance start to go, within a millisecond of the message reaching my brain to say, 'be careful you need to hold on or you are going to trip', I was face down on the steps, I felt the palm of my right hand scrape on the concrete, my left hand, still holding onto the lead, do some sort of twisty thing and a sharp pain shot through the bottom of my back. The next thing a little wet nose was in my ear and a rough tongue licking my cheek. As fast I went down I was back up, With Ralph jumping up at my side I marched up the rest of the steps down the other side and walked Ralph over the fields.
I was fine until I got home and had a hot bath. Now every thing aches, my head aches, my back aches and I feel like someone has got hold of my shoulders and given me a hard shake.
But, I live to learn another lesson I suppose.
I am now going to have a little sleep as I feel so crappy, but I am back to the hospital on Thursday, will let you know how it goes x
Thursday 16 November 2017
Demon Depression
Well everyone...Its official, Christmas must be on its way as I have successfully purchased my first Christmas presents!! It was one of those moments when you are standing in a shop and notice something that is a bit beautiful and would be a perfect gift for someone, Christmas shopping was not on the agenda but you know if you leave it on the shelf the chances are you aren't going to get back to that particular shop or you wont see anything like it elsewhere and spend the rest of the year kicking yourself for not buying it!................anyway, enough with the Christmas chatter, lets talk about the last CBT session...
Now, you know I was looking for an excuse not to attend the last session, but my Mum had made me promise I would go, Well, on Saturday I had decided that I would ring on Monday morning and cancel my last session with Steven because of a nasty case of the old 'D AND V' but I wouldn't tell Mum I had cancelled and just tell her that the last session was fine....perfect.
Perfect, until on Sunday we (Mum, Ralph and I) went for a nice long walk to the garden centre, while we were sitting outside the café with our tea and cake, she starts quizzing me on what I expect out of the last session, do I think they will recommend more? and what time do you leave to go to the session?...then, ohhhhh I know, I will pop round for a quick coffee before you go then'....great big fat hairy balls....now I have to go!
So, along comes Tuesday morning, I drag myself out of bed and take Ralph for a long walk, I was out an hour or more and when I got home Ralph took himself back to bed and I went out into the garden to hang some washing on the line. It was so quiet and calm, I stood there for a few minutes just looking at the garden and noticing how every plant changes for winter. Next door had trimmed some branches off of my tree and from my side of the fence there was a big gap, so with out thinking I went to the shed, got out the choppers and began to chop some of the branches off to make the tree look a little tidier. This brought out my Daughter and my partner, firstly to tell me I shouldn't be chopping the tree but when they realised that telling me I shouldn't be doing something is a complete waste of time, my partner just sort of hung around watching, sort of letting me do it but just being there just in case. Which is kind of lovely, and just knowing he was there made me feel happy. By the time I had finished tidying up all the fallen branches and put my chopper away both my daughter and partner had gone off to work so I went inside with the intension of doing a few jobs around the house before my partner came back to take me to the CBT Session.
I decided to empty the bins and was walking into my bedroom to empty my bin into the rubbish bag when I caught the shape of my body in the mirror. I stood looking into the mirror and realised that I couldn't see my self clearly, so I stepped closer. The person staring back at me in the mirror was a stranger....I was a mess, my hair hadn't been 'cared for' in ages, I had been washing it and leaving it to dry so it was frizzy and curly, I couldn't remember the last time I had brushed it, most of the branches I had cut down seemed to be tangled in my mop, then I looked at myself properly, with a jolt of fear I realised that I still had my pyjamas on under my clothes, I took of my jogging bottoms and fleece top and sure enough, there were my PJ'S. How long have I been going out with my Pj's on under my clothes? I cant remember the last time I wore a bra.
I went to the bathroom, ran a hot bath and stripped off my nightwear, how long have I been wearing these Pj's? I got in the bath and sat there, trying to remember....I get up, put clothes on over my PJ's, go out and walk Ralph come home and take the clothes off and put my dressing gown on. Even when I went out with Mum on Sunday, I was wearing what I had slept in the night before under my clothes. How often do I change my knickers? Why cant I remember and why do I think it is ok to do this?
Sitting in the bath I made a promise to myself and to the people who love me, this is a very slippery slope and it has to stop, what has made me stop looking after myself?
This, folks, is the demon, depression, without realising I had started the journey of self destruction and I was devastated, its far too easy to loose your way, too easy to wrap yourself up and ignore what is happing to yourself, too easy to convince yourself that you can pull yourself up and out of it... and that is the biggest mistake people make, someone with depression cannot just pull themselves out of it.
Still sitting in the bath I began to give my hair a good wash, gave all my bits a good clean, then I found clean underwear, clean clothes, dried and straightened my hair, sprayed a little perfume and then stood in front of the mirror again....ahhh now this is the person I recognise.
By the time my partner came to take me to the session I was dressed, clean, smelling nice and ready to go.
I explained all this to Steven at my session and when I said I feel like I should pull myself together it stopped him in his tracks, this is what he said.....
People with depression are unable to pull themselves together, telling some one to do that is not helpful, instead we must support them and give them strategies which will help them to find the strength to start to help themselves.
So, Imagine you are driving a car at 60 miles and hour, the sun is shining and the radio is playing a happy tune, the person beside you asks you to drive at 61 miles per hour....How easy will that be? How much effort will it be to increase your speed from 60 to 61? By making very little effort or changes you very gently push your foot on the accelerator increasing your speed without really noticing right? Easy, no problems....NOW, imagine its mid January, its been snowing heavily, the sky is black with a storm, its freezing cold and you are wrapped up under your duvet because of a power cut so there is no heating or light. Your car is parked three streets away because there was no spaces left outside your house, and someone asks you to go get in the car and drive at 1 mile an hour. How easy would that be? Its just one mile an hour, not much effort before but now, well, now you have to get out of bed, go for a wee, have a cold shower, brush your teeth, find some clothes, get a hat, scarf, gloves and wellies, find something to dig you car out of the snow with, and then begin to de-frost your car...how much effort is it now?
For someone with depression, its not keeping going that's hard, its actually starting that's the problem, so its not what you see, its what you don't see if you know what I mean, something that seems so normal and regular for one person can be just simply too much for another.
I made a promise to Steven that I would begin a schedule to help me ensure that I start....Tuesday evening I sat with a big pad and wrote a list of the jobs that needed doing the next day, being careful not to put too may in, one of those jobs is to get washed and dressed, might sound daft to you, but Wednesday was the best day I have had for sometime, I marked off the jobs as I went along and felt incredibly proud of myself, I made sure I looked nice, and I know my partner noticed the difference. Steven had originally told me to put up post notes around the house with one job on and to ensure I get the job done, but I am finding the 'Diary' much more helpful, I know today is only Thursday but I feel entirely different. When everything is marked off on my list, I have time to relax, I am fitting so much more in to the day and it seems to have increased my confidence and decision making, if its on the list I don't even think about it, I just get the jobs done.
Having a focus and a goal is remarkably helpful and is making me feel independent again.
So, don't ever feel like you should be pulling yourself together, be kinder to yourself, depression is not something that can be cured over night, it takes a lot of self belief, understanding and honesty.
The last CBT session came in on perfect timing for me, but not everyone is that lucky. If this blog encourages just one person to seek help for the way they are feeling I will be happy, because, I never would have said I was depressed, I truly never saw it coming.
Speak soon xx
Now, you know I was looking for an excuse not to attend the last session, but my Mum had made me promise I would go, Well, on Saturday I had decided that I would ring on Monday morning and cancel my last session with Steven because of a nasty case of the old 'D AND V' but I wouldn't tell Mum I had cancelled and just tell her that the last session was fine....perfect.
Perfect, until on Sunday we (Mum, Ralph and I) went for a nice long walk to the garden centre, while we were sitting outside the café with our tea and cake, she starts quizzing me on what I expect out of the last session, do I think they will recommend more? and what time do you leave to go to the session?...then, ohhhhh I know, I will pop round for a quick coffee before you go then'....great big fat hairy balls....now I have to go!
So, along comes Tuesday morning, I drag myself out of bed and take Ralph for a long walk, I was out an hour or more and when I got home Ralph took himself back to bed and I went out into the garden to hang some washing on the line. It was so quiet and calm, I stood there for a few minutes just looking at the garden and noticing how every plant changes for winter. Next door had trimmed some branches off of my tree and from my side of the fence there was a big gap, so with out thinking I went to the shed, got out the choppers and began to chop some of the branches off to make the tree look a little tidier. This brought out my Daughter and my partner, firstly to tell me I shouldn't be chopping the tree but when they realised that telling me I shouldn't be doing something is a complete waste of time, my partner just sort of hung around watching, sort of letting me do it but just being there just in case. Which is kind of lovely, and just knowing he was there made me feel happy. By the time I had finished tidying up all the fallen branches and put my chopper away both my daughter and partner had gone off to work so I went inside with the intension of doing a few jobs around the house before my partner came back to take me to the CBT Session.
I decided to empty the bins and was walking into my bedroom to empty my bin into the rubbish bag when I caught the shape of my body in the mirror. I stood looking into the mirror and realised that I couldn't see my self clearly, so I stepped closer. The person staring back at me in the mirror was a stranger....I was a mess, my hair hadn't been 'cared for' in ages, I had been washing it and leaving it to dry so it was frizzy and curly, I couldn't remember the last time I had brushed it, most of the branches I had cut down seemed to be tangled in my mop, then I looked at myself properly, with a jolt of fear I realised that I still had my pyjamas on under my clothes, I took of my jogging bottoms and fleece top and sure enough, there were my PJ'S. How long have I been going out with my Pj's on under my clothes? I cant remember the last time I wore a bra.
I went to the bathroom, ran a hot bath and stripped off my nightwear, how long have I been wearing these Pj's? I got in the bath and sat there, trying to remember....I get up, put clothes on over my PJ's, go out and walk Ralph come home and take the clothes off and put my dressing gown on. Even when I went out with Mum on Sunday, I was wearing what I had slept in the night before under my clothes. How often do I change my knickers? Why cant I remember and why do I think it is ok to do this?
Sitting in the bath I made a promise to myself and to the people who love me, this is a very slippery slope and it has to stop, what has made me stop looking after myself?
This, folks, is the demon, depression, without realising I had started the journey of self destruction and I was devastated, its far too easy to loose your way, too easy to wrap yourself up and ignore what is happing to yourself, too easy to convince yourself that you can pull yourself up and out of it... and that is the biggest mistake people make, someone with depression cannot just pull themselves out of it.
Still sitting in the bath I began to give my hair a good wash, gave all my bits a good clean, then I found clean underwear, clean clothes, dried and straightened my hair, sprayed a little perfume and then stood in front of the mirror again....ahhh now this is the person I recognise.
By the time my partner came to take me to the session I was dressed, clean, smelling nice and ready to go.
I explained all this to Steven at my session and when I said I feel like I should pull myself together it stopped him in his tracks, this is what he said.....
People with depression are unable to pull themselves together, telling some one to do that is not helpful, instead we must support them and give them strategies which will help them to find the strength to start to help themselves.
So, Imagine you are driving a car at 60 miles and hour, the sun is shining and the radio is playing a happy tune, the person beside you asks you to drive at 61 miles per hour....How easy will that be? How much effort will it be to increase your speed from 60 to 61? By making very little effort or changes you very gently push your foot on the accelerator increasing your speed without really noticing right? Easy, no problems....NOW, imagine its mid January, its been snowing heavily, the sky is black with a storm, its freezing cold and you are wrapped up under your duvet because of a power cut so there is no heating or light. Your car is parked three streets away because there was no spaces left outside your house, and someone asks you to go get in the car and drive at 1 mile an hour. How easy would that be? Its just one mile an hour, not much effort before but now, well, now you have to get out of bed, go for a wee, have a cold shower, brush your teeth, find some clothes, get a hat, scarf, gloves and wellies, find something to dig you car out of the snow with, and then begin to de-frost your car...how much effort is it now?
For someone with depression, its not keeping going that's hard, its actually starting that's the problem, so its not what you see, its what you don't see if you know what I mean, something that seems so normal and regular for one person can be just simply too much for another.
I made a promise to Steven that I would begin a schedule to help me ensure that I start....Tuesday evening I sat with a big pad and wrote a list of the jobs that needed doing the next day, being careful not to put too may in, one of those jobs is to get washed and dressed, might sound daft to you, but Wednesday was the best day I have had for sometime, I marked off the jobs as I went along and felt incredibly proud of myself, I made sure I looked nice, and I know my partner noticed the difference. Steven had originally told me to put up post notes around the house with one job on and to ensure I get the job done, but I am finding the 'Diary' much more helpful, I know today is only Thursday but I feel entirely different. When everything is marked off on my list, I have time to relax, I am fitting so much more in to the day and it seems to have increased my confidence and decision making, if its on the list I don't even think about it, I just get the jobs done.
Having a focus and a goal is remarkably helpful and is making me feel independent again.
So, don't ever feel like you should be pulling yourself together, be kinder to yourself, depression is not something that can be cured over night, it takes a lot of self belief, understanding and honesty.
The last CBT session came in on perfect timing for me, but not everyone is that lucky. If this blog encourages just one person to seek help for the way they are feeling I will be happy, because, I never would have said I was depressed, I truly never saw it coming.
Speak soon xx
Friday 10 November 2017
Rethinking myself
Hello everyone!
Well, Friday afternoon has come around again so quickly and I truly don't know where time is going, we are already a week into November, Halloween has been tidied away, the fireworks have fizzled out and people are talking about putting up their Christmas trees.
I have always loved Christmas, but this year I am having trouble getting into the mood, I feel like separating myself from the whole world and getting under the duvet and sleeping until January, but that's not real, real is shopping, shopping is busy...me, shopping and busy are not a good mixture. Do it on line you say, well there is a little problem with that, I just cant seem to concentrate on it for long, I mean, the other day I was checking out Argos website looking for some inspiration, I had to make the screen so big that most of the page disappeared off the screen, and the constant scrolling made me feel sick and my eyes got tired really quickly. Maybe I should have started shopping earlier, but I cant think past my hospital appointment on the 23rd Nov...just under two weeks to go and I hope I can get some of the many questions I have answered.
Tuesday, was a bad day. It started okay but before tea time a black cloud was firmly sitting over my head.
I think it may have started at 8oclock in the morning at my Doctors appointment. It was just a quick check that I was doing ok and to see if there was anything my Doctor could help me with, To be honest, I didn't really have much to say to her and I didn't really need anything, so stomping down to the surgery at 7.30 in the morning was a rude wake up call.
My doctor was pleased to see that I was looking better than she said she had seen me for a while. We talked about my appointment at Moorfields and then she signed me off from work for another 4 weeks but with the instructions to make an appointment for the following day after my Moorfields visit. This was so we can talk about options and it still gives me a week to organise myself.
As I walked to Mums house from the surgery, I thought about the conversation I had just had and it suddenly dawned on me how real this all is, and with reality comes fear of the unknown, all the 'what if' questions came flooding into my head as I walked the short distance to mums house and the urge to give up was pounding at the front of my brain. Give up everything and just sit, sit and do nothing, talk to no-one, just stay home and wait for the darkness to come. But what if it doesn't come, what if it takes years to come and then I have wasted time sitting around doing nothing, BUT then what happens if it comes tomorrow and I have wasted time wondering when it will come instead of living for today. All this went round and round my head until I felt sick. How do I prepare for the future? Answer...I cant, because I don't know what it is.
Later that afternoon I had another CBT session, and we talked about panic attacks. I honestly took away nothing from this session, I was talked into saying that a panic attack makes me feel like I am going to die...it doesn't, but it didn't seem to matter and I was then shown why a panic attack will not kill me, even though I know its not! When I am in a full blown attack, I don't think about anything, I don't stand there thinking...ohhhhh I cant breath so this must mean I am having a heart attack and my heart is going to explode and death must be immanent. Yes, my heart does beat faster, yes I do breath deeper and faster, but the very last thing on my mind is death, if anything just the opposite, I think about the quickest way to calm down and remove myself from the cause of the panic. Maybe what I think I experience as a panic attack is NOT what I think it is, maybe people DO think they are going to die, maybe I have got it all wrong. I do know its the most awful feeling and they are usually brought on by putting myself into situations that my brain and sight cant cope with. I had a urge to stand on a chair in the middle of the session and scream...YOU ARE NOT BLOODY WELL LISTENING TO ME, I AM NOT BLOODY STUPID I KNOW I AM NOT GOING TO BLOODY WELL DIE! unless of course I run out of a shop straight into the path of a lorry, but even then it wouldn't be the panic attack that killed me, it would be the bloody lorry! So by the time my 50 minutes was up I was in a proper bad mood, I felt frustration that I have never experienced before, so when He said same time next week? I looked him in the eye and said yes, but I have no intention of going back...that was until yesterday.
Yesterday was a lovely day, Mum and I went on a day trip... I say a day trip because it took all bloody day! We decided to go to Willington garden centre and because we cant drive we took the train and a bus, which was actually really easy and I enjoyed the ride. Then we did Christmas...there wasn't many people about so we wondered around looking at all the beautiful baubles and Christmassy nic-naks, then we had tea in the café, and wondered around again, picking up a few bits, then we did lunch and then wondered around again, then we took the reverse trip home, at some point during lunch mum decided to give me a lecture about continuing to attend the CBT sessions and not to be put off by a not so helpful session, but in my mind I had already decided to cancel the next appointment, but today I took Ralph for a long walk and though hard about it, sometimes its so easy to give up and walk away from something every time you got pissed off. I would never allow anyone I cared about to walk away from something just because they heard something they didn't agree with, so why am I doing that to myself? I think its time I learnt to love myself a bit more and be a little kinder to myself. There is only one of me (thank god) although I often wonder why people like me, I realise its because I am kinda cool, I care, love and think a lot, its time to enjoy being me again.
Have a good weekend everyone...I leave you with a photo of Santa's helpers and the goodies I brought to decorate the twigs I found on Shingle street beach back in October xx
Well, Friday afternoon has come around again so quickly and I truly don't know where time is going, we are already a week into November, Halloween has been tidied away, the fireworks have fizzled out and people are talking about putting up their Christmas trees.
I have always loved Christmas, but this year I am having trouble getting into the mood, I feel like separating myself from the whole world and getting under the duvet and sleeping until January, but that's not real, real is shopping, shopping is busy...me, shopping and busy are not a good mixture. Do it on line you say, well there is a little problem with that, I just cant seem to concentrate on it for long, I mean, the other day I was checking out Argos website looking for some inspiration, I had to make the screen so big that most of the page disappeared off the screen, and the constant scrolling made me feel sick and my eyes got tired really quickly. Maybe I should have started shopping earlier, but I cant think past my hospital appointment on the 23rd Nov...just under two weeks to go and I hope I can get some of the many questions I have answered.
Tuesday, was a bad day. It started okay but before tea time a black cloud was firmly sitting over my head.
I think it may have started at 8oclock in the morning at my Doctors appointment. It was just a quick check that I was doing ok and to see if there was anything my Doctor could help me with, To be honest, I didn't really have much to say to her and I didn't really need anything, so stomping down to the surgery at 7.30 in the morning was a rude wake up call.
My doctor was pleased to see that I was looking better than she said she had seen me for a while. We talked about my appointment at Moorfields and then she signed me off from work for another 4 weeks but with the instructions to make an appointment for the following day after my Moorfields visit. This was so we can talk about options and it still gives me a week to organise myself.
As I walked to Mums house from the surgery, I thought about the conversation I had just had and it suddenly dawned on me how real this all is, and with reality comes fear of the unknown, all the 'what if' questions came flooding into my head as I walked the short distance to mums house and the urge to give up was pounding at the front of my brain. Give up everything and just sit, sit and do nothing, talk to no-one, just stay home and wait for the darkness to come. But what if it doesn't come, what if it takes years to come and then I have wasted time sitting around doing nothing, BUT then what happens if it comes tomorrow and I have wasted time wondering when it will come instead of living for today. All this went round and round my head until I felt sick. How do I prepare for the future? Answer...I cant, because I don't know what it is.
Later that afternoon I had another CBT session, and we talked about panic attacks. I honestly took away nothing from this session, I was talked into saying that a panic attack makes me feel like I am going to die...it doesn't, but it didn't seem to matter and I was then shown why a panic attack will not kill me, even though I know its not! When I am in a full blown attack, I don't think about anything, I don't stand there thinking...ohhhhh I cant breath so this must mean I am having a heart attack and my heart is going to explode and death must be immanent. Yes, my heart does beat faster, yes I do breath deeper and faster, but the very last thing on my mind is death, if anything just the opposite, I think about the quickest way to calm down and remove myself from the cause of the panic. Maybe what I think I experience as a panic attack is NOT what I think it is, maybe people DO think they are going to die, maybe I have got it all wrong. I do know its the most awful feeling and they are usually brought on by putting myself into situations that my brain and sight cant cope with. I had a urge to stand on a chair in the middle of the session and scream...YOU ARE NOT BLOODY WELL LISTENING TO ME, I AM NOT BLOODY STUPID I KNOW I AM NOT GOING TO BLOODY WELL DIE! unless of course I run out of a shop straight into the path of a lorry, but even then it wouldn't be the panic attack that killed me, it would be the bloody lorry! So by the time my 50 minutes was up I was in a proper bad mood, I felt frustration that I have never experienced before, so when He said same time next week? I looked him in the eye and said yes, but I have no intention of going back...that was until yesterday.
Yesterday was a lovely day, Mum and I went on a day trip... I say a day trip because it took all bloody day! We decided to go to Willington garden centre and because we cant drive we took the train and a bus, which was actually really easy and I enjoyed the ride. Then we did Christmas...there wasn't many people about so we wondered around looking at all the beautiful baubles and Christmassy nic-naks, then we had tea in the café, and wondered around again, picking up a few bits, then we did lunch and then wondered around again, then we took the reverse trip home, at some point during lunch mum decided to give me a lecture about continuing to attend the CBT sessions and not to be put off by a not so helpful session, but in my mind I had already decided to cancel the next appointment, but today I took Ralph for a long walk and though hard about it, sometimes its so easy to give up and walk away from something every time you got pissed off. I would never allow anyone I cared about to walk away from something just because they heard something they didn't agree with, so why am I doing that to myself? I think its time I learnt to love myself a bit more and be a little kinder to myself. There is only one of me (thank god) although I often wonder why people like me, I realise its because I am kinda cool, I care, love and think a lot, its time to enjoy being me again.
Have a good weekend everyone...I leave you with a photo of Santa's helpers and the goodies I brought to decorate the twigs I found on Shingle street beach back in October xx
Thursday 2 November 2017
CBT
Hello there everyone!!
I have had a little break from blogging for a couple of weeks, don't think for one moment this means that I have been sat on my backside doing nothing...well, I suppose I need to be sat on my backside to be blogging, so the truth is I have been too busy to sit down!!
Everything I do seems to take so much longer at the moment, so the housework that used to take a couple of hours now gets spread over two days. My front garden....My front garden was in a incredible state...everything had over grown and was in need of some attention, the lavender needed cutting back and harvesting for winter (I say harvesting like I am some sort of international lavender farmer) what I mean is I need to trim the tops off the lavender, stick it in a envelope and put it in the airing cupboard to make all my sheets smell nice! So I spent a good few hours, while the sun was at the back of the house leaving my front garden in the shade, chopping and trimming, again this is a job that I don't usually think twice about and only takes a hour or so, but now with the change in my sight I need to just go that bit slower. I had a really lovely time (how sad is that!) in the garden, all by myself, just quietly snipping away. The best therapy.
Talking about Therapy, I have now had my third session of CBT with Steven, its going great and I am definitely finding it useful and am confidently putting what I have learnt into practice. We had a conversation about not carrying everyone else's monkeys, I didn't realise how much I do this without even thinking, carrying other peoples monkeys doesn't just refer to listening to other peoples problems and worrying about them as well as my own, but doing things for other people instead of letting them do it themselves, I do this ALOT, I didn't perhaps see how much I do it, not because I don't think people can do things, but I struggle with people not moving as quickly as I do (or as I used to) and I try to accommodate everyone even if it means making life harder for myself. So, I have been learning to say NO, and doing things that make life easier for me instead of others....you have no idea how hard this has been, but the fact that I am sitting on the sofa in the middle of the day blogging, speaks volumes.
I have also been learning how to have a more relaxed outlook on life, which has helped me get back out into the community independently. This week I went to the Dentist on my own!! I took the train to Biggleswade, made my way to Asda, brought a couple of things, went to the Dentist and took the train back home. I used my cane, and no one attacked me!! There wasn't one problem and I felt very proud of myself when I got through my front door without a hitch!
This week Steven showed me this...
NEVER EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYONE! YOUR FRIENDS DONT NEED IT AND YOUR ENEMIES WONT BELIEVE IT....
I have been really struggling with this, I find myself explaining why I do things the way I do it all the time, I even plan the explaining just in case someone asks me why I have done something a certain way. But did you know....KNOW ONE CARES, literally no-one, like it says above, my friends and people who love me know why I do things they way I do them, and people who don't know me or don't like me don't matter, so I will not be (or trying not to) explaining myself anymore!!
All this retraining my brain has kept me busy, and is exhausting in a strange way, so I threw myself into a little decorative therapy for Halloween and made a little display in the porch to greet trick or treaters....
I have had a little break from blogging for a couple of weeks, don't think for one moment this means that I have been sat on my backside doing nothing...well, I suppose I need to be sat on my backside to be blogging, so the truth is I have been too busy to sit down!!
Everything I do seems to take so much longer at the moment, so the housework that used to take a couple of hours now gets spread over two days. My front garden....My front garden was in a incredible state...everything had over grown and was in need of some attention, the lavender needed cutting back and harvesting for winter (I say harvesting like I am some sort of international lavender farmer) what I mean is I need to trim the tops off the lavender, stick it in a envelope and put it in the airing cupboard to make all my sheets smell nice! So I spent a good few hours, while the sun was at the back of the house leaving my front garden in the shade, chopping and trimming, again this is a job that I don't usually think twice about and only takes a hour or so, but now with the change in my sight I need to just go that bit slower. I had a really lovely time (how sad is that!) in the garden, all by myself, just quietly snipping away. The best therapy.
Talking about Therapy, I have now had my third session of CBT with Steven, its going great and I am definitely finding it useful and am confidently putting what I have learnt into practice. We had a conversation about not carrying everyone else's monkeys, I didn't realise how much I do this without even thinking, carrying other peoples monkeys doesn't just refer to listening to other peoples problems and worrying about them as well as my own, but doing things for other people instead of letting them do it themselves, I do this ALOT, I didn't perhaps see how much I do it, not because I don't think people can do things, but I struggle with people not moving as quickly as I do (or as I used to) and I try to accommodate everyone even if it means making life harder for myself. So, I have been learning to say NO, and doing things that make life easier for me instead of others....you have no idea how hard this has been, but the fact that I am sitting on the sofa in the middle of the day blogging, speaks volumes.
I have also been learning how to have a more relaxed outlook on life, which has helped me get back out into the community independently. This week I went to the Dentist on my own!! I took the train to Biggleswade, made my way to Asda, brought a couple of things, went to the Dentist and took the train back home. I used my cane, and no one attacked me!! There wasn't one problem and I felt very proud of myself when I got through my front door without a hitch!
This week Steven showed me this...
NEVER EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYONE! YOUR FRIENDS DONT NEED IT AND YOUR ENEMIES WONT BELIEVE IT....
I have been really struggling with this, I find myself explaining why I do things the way I do it all the time, I even plan the explaining just in case someone asks me why I have done something a certain way. But did you know....KNOW ONE CARES, literally no-one, like it says above, my friends and people who love me know why I do things they way I do them, and people who don't know me or don't like me don't matter, so I will not be (or trying not to) explaining myself anymore!!
All this retraining my brain has kept me busy, and is exhausting in a strange way, so I threw myself into a little decorative therapy for Halloween and made a little display in the porch to greet trick or treaters....
From the things I have learnt from the CBT so far I would definitely recommend it to others, although you have to be prepared to work at it yourself, you have to be able to trust and like your Counsellor, if you have someone who irritates you, you are not going to listen to them let alone take their advise. Its not easy, the hardest thing is to believe in yourself and open up to thinking in a different way, if you can get past those two things the rest is a doddle!
I am enjoying spending more time with this boy...
While my girls are out he is great company, we've been on some lovely walks and he follows me around the house as I do jobs, looking at me like I have two heads as I chat to him about all sorts of things, and when I sit down he is great for a warm cuddle...although he snores like a overweight bloke who has been in the pub all day drinking Guinness.
We seem to have leapt into November and I am now counting down the days until my appointment at Moorfields where I hope to learn what to expect of the future. xx
Thursday 19 October 2017
Worry
Hi everyone, I just wanted to talk to you about this photograph I took on my mobile phone a few weeks ago....
So, this was at the end of a dog walk with my Daughter, Ralph and one of the dogs she was looking after. As we crossed the bridge the sun was setting and the sky was a magnificent colour, we stood on the bridge for a few minutes just watching one of life's naturally beautiful scenes. It looks darker in this photo than it actually was, the air was warm and there were swans swimming up the river, we were talking about how fantastic nature is and as we turned to walk back to the car it hit me. Like a cold hand slapped hard across my face, What if I never see another sight like this again? How will I cope? I want to see these things. Panic began to overwhelm me and I began to cry, big fat silent tears rolling down my podgy cheeks. I felt so sad, I don't want to miss the things there are to see.
That evening has stayed with me ever since, it is always at the back of my mind that it could be the last time that I actually see particular thing. It has made me really sad and I think about it a lot. That is until this week when I went to cognitive behaviour therapy. Now, earlier in the week my partner and I had chatted about it and he said I should stop worrying about what might happen because I am missing what is happening now.
But at my first CBT session that should have been 50 minutes long and I was still in there 80 minutes later, one of the issues that were addressed was the amount of worrying I do. I was shown in a very clear manner that worrying is a complete waste of time and energy. We all do it, but what's the point in it? It makes us feel sick, we cant concentrate, we get cranky and moody, so why do we do it? Why do we let ourselves become so completely focused on worrying about something that everything else passes us by? Some people are programmed to worry more than others, or so you would think, but since my session I have been looking at things differently. Its no good saying life isn't as easy as not worrying, because actually it is! AND not worrying doesn't mean you don't care, it means you have the confidence to deal with what happens with the problem. You see, take the problem.....think about the thing that is worrying you....can you do anything about it...(from here things can go two ways)....YES, I can do something about it....so bloody well get off your arse and do something about it then...OR NO there is nothing I can to about the thing which is worrying me, SO if you cant do anything about it WTF are you worrying about it for??
I don't want you all to sit there reading this and saying ohhh IF ONLY IT WAS THAT EASY...it is that easy.
There is nothing I can do about the possibility of never seeing a beautiful sight as in that photo again, but there is fudge all that can be done about that, and the sooner I stop worrying about that the sooner I will be able to enjoy what is going on around me.
Retraining the way we think is huge, and will only work if you want it too, no one is going to do it for you, you have to work it yourself. I do feel that a weight has been lifted, and I have been approaching the things that worry me differently. It doesn't mean that I don't worry about them, it means as soon as I realise something is worrying me I mentally put it in a category of yes I will deal with it, nope theres nothing I can do so bugger off out of my head until there is something I can do about it.
For example...I got a problem with my council tax, they sent me a bill for £700, I cant afford to pay it, I have been worrying myself stupid over it, can I do anything about it? YES, ring them and tell them I cant pay it, they have sorted out a repayment plan for me, job done, sorted. Being prepared for loosing more of the sight I have is a different matter, but with the same out come, I literally cannot do anything about it, so each day I Open my eyes and the sight hasn't got worse is a blessing, I know it will get worse but worrying about it is a complete waste of precious time.
Hope you all have a lovely weekend xx
Monday 16 October 2017
Doctors orders!
Hi Everyone, another week has passed and I don't really know where it went! My visit to the doctor last Tuesday ended in a possible referral for a chiropodist, apparently these days there is a very small criteria in which you must fit in order to have someone chop your toe nails, and it seems being sight impaired is not one of them. So despite the massive emotional and soul destroying step it took for me to totally admit that I cannot longer make out my own toe nails in order to cut them, I discover that I don't fit in under any of the labels on the doctors list, luckily for me my Doctor didn't care much for lists and sent a referral anyway with a letter explaining that she felt the list was actually crap.
She also had a long chat with me about all the things that might happen after I have been to see the consultant, she made me feel very reassured and there have been times this week when I wish I could have recorded our conversation to play back each time I felt the doubt and feelings of being out of control come back, she gave me lecture about worrying...DONT WORRY!! Its all very well for her sitting behind her desk, looking at me and passing the box of tissues and telling me not to worry...I am worrying about everything, I worry about what is going to happen, I worry about not being able to work, I worry about all the people that I work with,I worry what people will think of me, I worry that people will leave me behind, I worry I will be a burden on my family, I worry that I make everyone else worry, I worry about what my eyes will look like, I worry about what sort of sight I will be left with....but its OK the Doctor says don't worry, so I wont....yeah right!!
She also gave me a talk about the difference between depression and grief, and she says, as I already know, I am grieving, grieving is supposed to make me sad, I am supposed to cry, I am supposed to feel guilty every time I laugh, I am supposed to get caught up in a moment which is so beautiful it makes me so happy only for to be turned to sadness a second later as I wonder if I will ever 'see' this moment again.
So, no I will not be prescribed any little pills that will take the sadness away, or numb me from the pain I feel in my heart, because apparently time will help , and allowing me and my body to go through the process will help. The Doctor did give me some fantastic little yellow pills for the terrible head aches I have started getting. The trouble is, if I wake up and feel good, feel positive and like my 'old self', I try to act like my 'old self', and pack too much in to the day or try to push myself too hard, this then leads to a 'crash' and I am exhausted, cry a lot and end up with blinding head aches. Saturday Morning I woke up with a thumping head ache, it felt like someone was scratching the inside of my skull with a wire brush and pulling my eye balls out with sharp finger nails, every time I moved my head forward I could feel the contents of my stomach rushing forward, and I spent too long lying in bed wondering if I was sick the pain might go away, but I am a wimp when it comes to being sick, after I had finished wondering if I could get my head off the pillow long enough to get down stairs and get a drink I remembered the little yellow pills. Just one little yellow pill, that's all, within half and hour I could sit up and felt semi normal.....trouble is now that I know I have these little pills, I am sort of more dare devil with myself because I am confident that I can remove the pain BUT I have my Mums
voice constantly ringing in the back of my head saying....Prevention is better than cure Lynda....So I only climbed the ladder once this weekend to clean the gutter on the conservatory AND you will be pleased to know I even asked someone to help me!!!....YEAH HELP!! See I can ask for help after all.
Today was a struggle, nothing to do with my mood, but something I could do nothing about, the very lovely storm 'Ophelia' brought some very strange weather, and visibility was terrible for regular sighted folk let alone us wonky sighted peeps, I found the heat as Ralph and I went for our morning walk really oppressive, the wind was so strong a couple of times I wondered if I should put Ralph back on his lead as I had a vision of him flying through the air like a little balloon!
By the time we got home the sky had gone dark and we were covered with a cloud of dust brought in from southern Europe and Africa via Ophelia. Too dark for sun glasses and too bright to go without them.
She also had a long chat with me about all the things that might happen after I have been to see the consultant, she made me feel very reassured and there have been times this week when I wish I could have recorded our conversation to play back each time I felt the doubt and feelings of being out of control come back, she gave me lecture about worrying...DONT WORRY!! Its all very well for her sitting behind her desk, looking at me and passing the box of tissues and telling me not to worry...I am worrying about everything, I worry about what is going to happen, I worry about not being able to work, I worry about all the people that I work with,I worry what people will think of me, I worry that people will leave me behind, I worry I will be a burden on my family, I worry that I make everyone else worry, I worry about what my eyes will look like, I worry about what sort of sight I will be left with....but its OK the Doctor says don't worry, so I wont....yeah right!!
She also gave me a talk about the difference between depression and grief, and she says, as I already know, I am grieving, grieving is supposed to make me sad, I am supposed to cry, I am supposed to feel guilty every time I laugh, I am supposed to get caught up in a moment which is so beautiful it makes me so happy only for to be turned to sadness a second later as I wonder if I will ever 'see' this moment again.
So, no I will not be prescribed any little pills that will take the sadness away, or numb me from the pain I feel in my heart, because apparently time will help , and allowing me and my body to go through the process will help. The Doctor did give me some fantastic little yellow pills for the terrible head aches I have started getting. The trouble is, if I wake up and feel good, feel positive and like my 'old self', I try to act like my 'old self', and pack too much in to the day or try to push myself too hard, this then leads to a 'crash' and I am exhausted, cry a lot and end up with blinding head aches. Saturday Morning I woke up with a thumping head ache, it felt like someone was scratching the inside of my skull with a wire brush and pulling my eye balls out with sharp finger nails, every time I moved my head forward I could feel the contents of my stomach rushing forward, and I spent too long lying in bed wondering if I was sick the pain might go away, but I am a wimp when it comes to being sick, after I had finished wondering if I could get my head off the pillow long enough to get down stairs and get a drink I remembered the little yellow pills. Just one little yellow pill, that's all, within half and hour I could sit up and felt semi normal.....trouble is now that I know I have these little pills, I am sort of more dare devil with myself because I am confident that I can remove the pain BUT I have my Mums
voice constantly ringing in the back of my head saying....Prevention is better than cure Lynda....So I only climbed the ladder once this weekend to clean the gutter on the conservatory AND you will be pleased to know I even asked someone to help me!!!....YEAH HELP!! See I can ask for help after all.
Today was a struggle, nothing to do with my mood, but something I could do nothing about, the very lovely storm 'Ophelia' brought some very strange weather, and visibility was terrible for regular sighted folk let alone us wonky sighted peeps, I found the heat as Ralph and I went for our morning walk really oppressive, the wind was so strong a couple of times I wondered if I should put Ralph back on his lead as I had a vision of him flying through the air like a little balloon!
By the time we got home the sky had gone dark and we were covered with a cloud of dust brought in from southern Europe and Africa via Ophelia. Too dark for sun glasses and too bright to go without them.
The little dot was a big eerie looking sun, these photos don't really do it justice.
Anyway, tomorrow I start the first of the cognitive behaviour therapy sessions, I will let you know how they go, and my consultants secretary contacted with me a date, 23rd Nov, if there is one thing I have learnt, its go to these appointments armed with questions, so I have written them all down and will be expecting answers!.....well, hopefullyxx
Monday 9 October 2017
Waking up grumpy
Today I woke up feeling like I just didn't want to be bothered with anything and I seriously considered asking the Doctor at my appointment tomorrow to give me something to help me with these low days, I dragged myself out of bed and went through my usual morning routine, contact lenses in, brush teeth, go down stairs and tidy up after the night before and think about what to do for tea.
As I was standing at the kitchen window gazing out at my overgrown garden, Ralph came and pressed his nose against my leg, I gave him a fuss and told him we were going for a walk. I ran upstairs and chucked on my dog walking attire and came running back down the stairs, noticing very briefly my reflection in the mirror, I stopped realising that I have seen better dressed tramps, I wondered if I should change but Ralph was sitting by the front door, so I thought bugger it, and put my wellies on and off we went. As we walked....I thought....I did a lot of thinking and before I knew it two hours had passed and we had walked the best part of ten miles.
My mood had begun to morph into something less self destructive and I begun to notice my surroundings...I know that might sound odd, but you know when you are in a shitty mood you don't really notice anything around you, many times I have stomped through the countryside in such a foul mood that I could have been walking down a motorway!! Sometimes you have to force yourself to stop and weigh up what's really important. Ralph led the way and I followed, trying to empty my brain of all negativity, and it worked I soon realised I was chatting away to Ralph about the size of crows and why some dogs just don't want to be friends with him, he trotted along beside me looking up at me every now and then with a look that said...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT WOMAN, I AM A BLOODY DOG, ALL I CARE ABOUT IS WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET AND PULL OUT ANOTHER TASTY TREAT...by the time we got home my mood had lifted and we were both shattered, Ralph of course found the sofa and curled up like a pretzel and slept all afternoon while I had a bath, nipped to the post office, cleaned up the kitchen (again) made lunch and a coffee cake, oh and cleaned up the kitchen, put some washing on the line then twenty minutes later had to get it back in again as I could hear rain on the conservatory roof, but now I feel relaxed again. I don't want anyone to think that I am putting down needing a little help with getting through this difficult time, my difficult time isn't a patch on what some people go through and we are all different, we all cope with the shit life throws at us differently, I was lucky today that the exercise did improve my mood, and I know that exercise helps..bla, bla, bla. But the truth is, if I hadn't have had Ralph, I wouldn't have gone out, therefore the mood would have got darker, not everyone is as lucky as I am, and tomorrow I will discuss with my Doctor about having something to get me through, and I will not see it as a failure, I will see it as acceptance that some days are just harder than others, and that in a perfect world we could all just snap the lead on the dog and walk in the sunshine around the beautiful countryside or pick up the phone and there will be someone on the other line who has got nothing better to do than listen to the wining and moaning of a 45 year old woman who got out of bed the wrong side, I know in comparison to some people, what is happening to me is massive, BUT it isn't, life could be a whole lot worse...and whatever happens, I will still be me, I wont let it win, although I am realistic and now understand that making sight loss secondary might need a little tweeking as I now understand the need for a 'balance', to keep me safe, make life easier, let others see and understand me. I am now going to join Ralph and have a quick afternoon nap, I leave you with a photo of a beautiful flower we found on our walk this morning...well, I thought it was beautiful, I have no idea what it is and Ralph found it excellent to pee up..
Speak soon x
As I was standing at the kitchen window gazing out at my overgrown garden, Ralph came and pressed his nose against my leg, I gave him a fuss and told him we were going for a walk. I ran upstairs and chucked on my dog walking attire and came running back down the stairs, noticing very briefly my reflection in the mirror, I stopped realising that I have seen better dressed tramps, I wondered if I should change but Ralph was sitting by the front door, so I thought bugger it, and put my wellies on and off we went. As we walked....I thought....I did a lot of thinking and before I knew it two hours had passed and we had walked the best part of ten miles.
My mood had begun to morph into something less self destructive and I begun to notice my surroundings...I know that might sound odd, but you know when you are in a shitty mood you don't really notice anything around you, many times I have stomped through the countryside in such a foul mood that I could have been walking down a motorway!! Sometimes you have to force yourself to stop and weigh up what's really important. Ralph led the way and I followed, trying to empty my brain of all negativity, and it worked I soon realised I was chatting away to Ralph about the size of crows and why some dogs just don't want to be friends with him, he trotted along beside me looking up at me every now and then with a look that said...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT WOMAN, I AM A BLOODY DOG, ALL I CARE ABOUT IS WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET AND PULL OUT ANOTHER TASTY TREAT...by the time we got home my mood had lifted and we were both shattered, Ralph of course found the sofa and curled up like a pretzel and slept all afternoon while I had a bath, nipped to the post office, cleaned up the kitchen (again) made lunch and a coffee cake, oh and cleaned up the kitchen, put some washing on the line then twenty minutes later had to get it back in again as I could hear rain on the conservatory roof, but now I feel relaxed again. I don't want anyone to think that I am putting down needing a little help with getting through this difficult time, my difficult time isn't a patch on what some people go through and we are all different, we all cope with the shit life throws at us differently, I was lucky today that the exercise did improve my mood, and I know that exercise helps..bla, bla, bla. But the truth is, if I hadn't have had Ralph, I wouldn't have gone out, therefore the mood would have got darker, not everyone is as lucky as I am, and tomorrow I will discuss with my Doctor about having something to get me through, and I will not see it as a failure, I will see it as acceptance that some days are just harder than others, and that in a perfect world we could all just snap the lead on the dog and walk in the sunshine around the beautiful countryside or pick up the phone and there will be someone on the other line who has got nothing better to do than listen to the wining and moaning of a 45 year old woman who got out of bed the wrong side, I know in comparison to some people, what is happening to me is massive, BUT it isn't, life could be a whole lot worse...and whatever happens, I will still be me, I wont let it win, although I am realistic and now understand that making sight loss secondary might need a little tweeking as I now understand the need for a 'balance', to keep me safe, make life easier, let others see and understand me. I am now going to join Ralph and have a quick afternoon nap, I leave you with a photo of a beautiful flower we found on our walk this morning...well, I thought it was beautiful, I have no idea what it is and Ralph found it excellent to pee up..
Speak soon x
And a snoozing boy....
Sunday 8 October 2017
Healing
Good morning everyone, I am back from a few days away at my friends in Suffolk......wait there, the washing machine just finished and I need to hang it on the line (not the washing machine, I mean the washing).....right, I am back, I swear it takes me longer each time....anyway, On Tuesday morning my lovely friend drove all the way from Suffolk to pick me up and then drive all the way back, Daughter number two had forgotten to take some paperwork she needed to take into college so my friend and I did a detour and met the daughter for lunch so I could pass on the paperwork. We had lunch and the student made her way back to college and my friend and I started to make our way back to the car, I am not sure why but I suddenly remembered Mum telling me that the weather was going to turn cold, which triggered a depressing realisation that I had forgotten to pack a jumper. So into Tesco we go and I find a thick pink jumper perfect for the job, we made our way to the self service check out, I paid for the jumper and went to leave, totally not realising there was a security tag on it which set off the alarm, back I go and a member of staff removed the tag and held the jumper out for me to take, she didn't speak so I didn't see her holding the jumper towards me, my friend stepped in and took the jumper and we left, but not before I had seen the significance of using my cane, I could see the member of staff but when she held out the jumper it was right in the middle of the blurry spot, so lesson learnt, I defo need to use the cane more.
As we sped along the motorway I began to feel more and more relaxed and as we approached the Orwell bridge my friend suggested we go and look at the food hall and café that is under the bridge, the bridge its self is a fantastic structure as you drive over it but you cant see the Orwell river from the bridge, however underneath the bridge is simply beautiful...this time I used my cane and we walked around the food hall and stopped for refreshments in the café with no problems.
Wednesday we woke up to sunny skies and high winds and a sonic boom from a military plane which was escorting a plane into a London airport, it was a massive sound and shook the house!
We spent the day shopping, eating, walking and eating again...ohh and a lot of talking.
We had a lovely day, and as it got dark we drove into Felixstowe to do what we always do when we go to Felixstowe, check out the pier, walk along the front and run on the beach in the dark.
But this time things were different, Felixstowe pier has been 'done up' and now is a bright, beautiful and clean building with neon changing lights on the outside which light up the little bit of pier that is accessible, we brought chips and walked around the outside along to the back of the pier looking out to sea, I don't know what came over me, maybe because it was the first time since my sight had got worse that I was out in the dark or maybe it was the sound of the sea smashing against the underneath of the pier, whatever the reason, I was really frightened, I felt like the dark was touching my face and I couldn't breath, the noise of the sea was deafening...well to me it was. I just needed to get off, I used to be able to supress these feelings, in fact I am not sure I have ever felt that frightened, it annoyed me but I had to say I needed to get off the pier, my friends are so understanding and helped me to get my feet back on concrete.
I wanted to do all the things we used to do, and the coloured lights which hung all along the sea front looked so beautiful, I wanted to walk along the front, but I just couldn't do it, again, maybe it was because the neon lights of the pier were so bright that it made the dark darker or simply that it was just too much. I hadn't wanted to use my cane in the dark as I feel that I become vulnerable, an easy target for someone wanting to steal my bag, whatever the reason I wasn't comfortable and wanted to get back in the car and cry.
We did get back in the car and I didn't cry, my friends drove me down to Felixstowe port where there is a little car park where you can sit and watch all the ships come in, unload and reload and sail away...obviously its not done that quickly and we sat and watched the cranes lift these massive containers off the ship, I began to calm down as my friend chatted through the process of how the port works and I even got out of the car and stood watching the lights of the other ships getting ready to come in, behind us there were lorries trundling in and out but you couldn't hear them, all I could hear was the sea, this sea sounded different to the sea under the pier, and I felt safer, when we left the carpark we drove around looking at the factories all lit up, some still buzzing with activity others all locked up for the night.
We got back to the house and I immediately put on my PJ's and got tucked up under a blanket and we tried to understand why I got so emotional, in the end we came to the conclusion that we didn't know and trying to understand it is a waste of time, as all I am doing is thinking about things that HAVE happened rather than the things I am doing now, I did find the port really interesting so it was all good in the end.
As we sped along the motorway I began to feel more and more relaxed and as we approached the Orwell bridge my friend suggested we go and look at the food hall and café that is under the bridge, the bridge its self is a fantastic structure as you drive over it but you cant see the Orwell river from the bridge, however underneath the bridge is simply beautiful...this time I used my cane and we walked around the food hall and stopped for refreshments in the café with no problems.
Already the quiet open space was making me feel relaxed, there wasn't many people about and although there was tones of traffic going over the bridge you couldn't really hear it, there were boats moving up and down the river and plenty of places to sit and watch.
Next stop, my friend house, this house has a very calm feeling about it, you know some houses you go into its just busy and loud, even when there is no one at home, this house and the people who live in it radiate calmness, and so I took my position and didn't move for the rest of the evening...
We spent the day shopping, eating, walking and eating again...ohh and a lot of talking.
We had a lovely day, and as it got dark we drove into Felixstowe to do what we always do when we go to Felixstowe, check out the pier, walk along the front and run on the beach in the dark.
But this time things were different, Felixstowe pier has been 'done up' and now is a bright, beautiful and clean building with neon changing lights on the outside which light up the little bit of pier that is accessible, we brought chips and walked around the outside along to the back of the pier looking out to sea, I don't know what came over me, maybe because it was the first time since my sight had got worse that I was out in the dark or maybe it was the sound of the sea smashing against the underneath of the pier, whatever the reason, I was really frightened, I felt like the dark was touching my face and I couldn't breath, the noise of the sea was deafening...well to me it was. I just needed to get off, I used to be able to supress these feelings, in fact I am not sure I have ever felt that frightened, it annoyed me but I had to say I needed to get off the pier, my friends are so understanding and helped me to get my feet back on concrete.
I wanted to do all the things we used to do, and the coloured lights which hung all along the sea front looked so beautiful, I wanted to walk along the front, but I just couldn't do it, again, maybe it was because the neon lights of the pier were so bright that it made the dark darker or simply that it was just too much. I hadn't wanted to use my cane in the dark as I feel that I become vulnerable, an easy target for someone wanting to steal my bag, whatever the reason I wasn't comfortable and wanted to get back in the car and cry.
We did get back in the car and I didn't cry, my friends drove me down to Felixstowe port where there is a little car park where you can sit and watch all the ships come in, unload and reload and sail away...obviously its not done that quickly and we sat and watched the cranes lift these massive containers off the ship, I began to calm down as my friend chatted through the process of how the port works and I even got out of the car and stood watching the lights of the other ships getting ready to come in, behind us there were lorries trundling in and out but you couldn't hear them, all I could hear was the sea, this sea sounded different to the sea under the pier, and I felt safer, when we left the carpark we drove around looking at the factories all lit up, some still buzzing with activity others all locked up for the night.
We got back to the house and I immediately put on my PJ's and got tucked up under a blanket and we tried to understand why I got so emotional, in the end we came to the conclusion that we didn't know and trying to understand it is a waste of time, as all I am doing is thinking about things that HAVE happened rather than the things I am doing now, I did find the port really interesting so it was all good in the end.
Thursday I did what I came to do, my friend, her husband and I had a lovely day, we went out to breakfast in this little barn café, then we drove to shingle street....Shingle street is a place of natural beauty, and oh my god, its beautiful, its constantly changing, breath taking, clam, peaceful but loud, and for me has healing qualities that you cant find in many places.
As you walk back over the shingle the marshes stretch out infront of you, we walked along for miles seeing nothing only a few other dog walkers, listening to the sea gulls and breathing in the fresh air, I stood still just letting the silence and the beauty of the country around me envelope me, such a enchanting place.
And then we drove to Woodbridge tidal mill and we walked along the river Deben so I could get my fix of tinkling boats, There is nothing that pleases me more than the sound of boats when the masts chink together and the sound of the water slapping on the side of boats, another pleasing place.
After sitting watching the boats we decided the perfect way to end the afternoon was...CAKE, we went to this little chapel what had be turned into a café where I had the best orange and chocolate cake ever.
That evening my friend and I went to see a friend of our that we used to work with, we had a lovely meal which he cooked and chatted a lot.
Friday I came home feeling relaxed and ready for whatever happens next.
Thank you Pam, Martin, Jane and John for putting me back where I need to be.
Lots of love xx
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